What are some alternatives to spanking?

Question

My toddler son (16 months old) gets into everything and I'm trying to teach him to mind. My mom and mother in law think I'm a wimp because I don't spank him. Redirection, giving him toys or other distractions, do not work at all. If he wants to do something, nothing will stop him. I can't get him to sit still for a time out. He also doesn't understand any language yet. I can't keep him in a cage, and I'm running out of ways to babyproof. Oh yeah, he also wants to climb all the time. What do I do? Are my mom and mother-in-law right? Will I raise a terror if I don't spank?

Answer 1

No, you should raise your child the way you want. He is 16 months..and just exploring. I think you should try getting down to his level and using a stern voice. I don't spank my son..and I refuse to. This usually works for him...and being consistent is key.

Answer 2

You will *not* raise a terror if you don't spank.



Personally, I do spank in extreme occasions (not listening and running into the street, things like that), and while my youngest is very active, he is not a terror. Also, I believe that 16 months is too young to spank. If he's too young to understand going into time-out, he's too young to understand that spanking is a consequence to his actions.



The things that I have found to be the most effective are consistency and fairness. When I say fairness, I don't mean that your child goes unpunished or is even happy at the end of the scenerio, but rather that you as the parent punish appropriately for the infraction. You as the parent will know what is fair.



The MIL and the mother... they come from a different era. When my oldest was a baby, I was constantly told by the older generation to "just let her cry.. its good for her". Perhaps that philosophy worked for the older generation, but it's not the philosophy that I wish to parent by, so I just said "thank you for the advice.." and did it my way. For some reason the older folks seem to think that the "spare the rod and spoil the child" is true. I know many fine upstanding citizens who are not spoiled and yet were not spanked.



Stick to your guns, take a deep breath when dealing with the family members and remember that you are probably doing a great job... It just takes time!

Answer 3

Your mom and mother-in-law grew up in a different time when spanking was the thing to do, but as I remember as a kid, a spanking was easier because it was over with quickly!!! I hated it more when I had to sit in a chair or have my priviledges taken away! You are the mommy now, and I am sure they both mean well, you get to decide what is right for you and your child.

I have only spanked my daughter once, and that was for running into the road and she almost got hit by a car! Other than that, I found that by gating off an area (I did it for my living room) and making that room as baby proof as possible was really a help to give her a free space to play. I think 16 month olds may not understand language as well as older children, but they do understand being removed from the undesirable behavior, and having to sit in a chair, or having a toy removed, that kind of thing. You can say, for example, " I don't want you climbing, and if you climb I will make you sit in a chair/take away your toy". Also, I would say "you did this, and this is why I am putting you in the chair/taking the toy away." This is more practice for you but I am sure he will understand as he gets older. You have to be diligent though, and if he gets out of the chair, put him back into it...to reinforce that you mean what you say. I also told my daughter in advance (as she got older) what behaviors I would not find acceptable, and what the punishment would be if she did those behaviors. I also would give a warning (say for example when she would be fooling around with the TV or something) that she needed to stop and then count to 3 to give her more than enough warning to either stop or be punished. Eventually, if we were in a store/in public all I had to do was raise my hand and start raising one finger, then two, and she knew what would happen if I got to three! It is very very difficult, and believe me I sympathize!!!. But, the alternative is trying to establish that discipline later and having to work even harder to have them respect you and listen to what you say.





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Answer 4

I agree with the consistency and stern voice.

But, at that age, they do not have cognitive reasoning, so a "conversation" isn't going to be processed - hence, it won't have any effect.

You still need to get his attention and force is very effective at that. Spanking is a form of force and if used correctly is OK. Unfortunately, it is an action that a small child can repeat (and they will repeat everything), so if you spank it has to be on the bottom so they can't really "see" and won't repeat. The other options are pinching and "thudding" (flicking your finger onto their nuckle). It gets the child's attention, doesn't hurt much, and is something a child can't repeat because they aren't strong enough.



The other option is 'hold in place', as someone else mentioned. If it is a boy, I use the hand on the back of the neck to hold him. If he wiggles too much, I will sit him down or lay him on his belly and hold him down like a dog. And - mentally & emotionally - a small child is not much more mature than a dog being trained, so the same techniques are effective. For girls I recommend holding her in your lap or on the chair next to you, with a hand on her shoulder so that she cannot leave. Either way, they may scream a bit put putting your face in theirs tends to intimidate and cause them to pay attention - which is what you wanted in the first place.



In regards to your last question, we've raised many, many generations of children whose discipline was spanking. It has only been these most recent generations who were not spanked due to changing social norms. Now look at the society we've got. It almost makes one wonder if spanking shouldn't be mandatory. :)



You will certainly raise a terror if he isn't taught respect. That's why it is one of The Ten Commandments, after all.

Answer 5

As foster parents, we are NOT allowed to spank, so we have to come up with alternatives.



a 16 month old is exploring - sounds like a very smart little guy. However, you are giving him too much control over you (by saying "if we wants something, nothing will stop him").



I keep my younger kids busy by letting them "wash dishes" (which is actually playing in the sink with water and plastic dishes). Time outs don't work, but ignoring him will. At that age, we really need to be with kids at all times - to say "no - that might hurt you", or to pick him up and bring him into a different room.



Climbing kids are really a challenge. Check out some helpful suggestions at www.disciplinehelp.com. Without knowing what is in your home, what you've already tried, and what you're willing to do, it's hard to make suggestions.



For climbing kids, I would highly suggest a playroom where there are soft mats and nothing major he can climb on. Then, if he climbs in other rooms, you can bring him to his "safe room" until he learns not to climb. However, I know this would be very difficult in our small home.



You will NOT raise a terror if you don't spank. However, you WILL raise a terror if you let the child control you and your home. As long as the child is safe, ignoring negative behavior works best at this age, as long as it is coupled with lots and lots of attention when he is acting appropriately.

Answer 6

You shouldn't think that spanking is a bad form of punishment, My mother wasn't afraid to pinken up my butt when I was bad and I have nothing but love and respect for her. U could use the counting to 3 and putting in time out but that generally leads to the child doing whatever for 2 more sec and using whatever amount of time in the corner to figure out his next terrorist act. You need to let your Yes mean yes and your no mean no. You don't want to be one of those mom's in the store with the screaming toddler who is mad because he didn't get the cereal or toy he wanted, I learned real quick if My mom said no we better not argue or we had a tanning coming when we got home so Like I said before I love my mother she spanked us and we still respect her for it today, she is my best friend.



PS: I have been reading some of the other answers and I would just like to let people know that I have no physiological disorders or feelings of hate or anything because I was spanked as a child.. That is just ridiculous

Answer 7

no there is nothing wrong with not spanking but heres what i would do although it might be hard because he doesnt sit during a time out but its the best possible way to teach your child what hes doing wrong....when he does whatever it is that he does take him and put his nose in the corner for time out keep redirecting him there stand there with him if you have to to make him stay tell him when he calms down and stops crying he can come out or if he is not crying keep him there for how ever old he is so since hes about 1 1/2 keep him there for a full min. n a half...then when he has eaither stopped crying or his time is up explain to him is short and simple sentences what he has done wrong and why yooh put him in time out and y its bad for him to do what ever he did be patient it prolly wont work the first time but after a few times he will begin to learn!! good luck

=)Livie

Answer 8

First of all, no, your mother and mother-in-law are not right. You don't have to spank your child to discipline him. At this age, even if he knows he shouldn't do something, everything in his little body is saying, "Do it. Do it." all the time. It's normal--toddlers want to explore.



I suggest this book: Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic (Paperback)

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka



I saw Ms. Kurcinka speak at a parenting event I attended, and her approach makes a lot of sense. It's all about using misbehavior to teach your child more appropriate behavior. All children misbehave. Mothers and Mothers-in-law who say, "My kids never" are having memory loss.



If you really think your child doesn't understand any language yet, I'd have his hearing checked. He should understand what you're saying--it's more likely that he understands you but doesn't have the self-control to stop what he's doing.



Continue redirecting, move things away, and try holding him for a time-out if you think he actually understands that he's violated a rule. But I think at 16 months it may be too early for time-out.



This is normal. I'd suggest spending less time with your mom/mil and more time with other moms of young toddlers. That might give you a better idea of what is realistic at this age.

Answer 9

i'd say concepts your own organisation. it is your brother's newborn, and it really is his excellent to self-discipline her as he chooses, short of kid abuse. there is honestly no longer something incorrect with spanking. My mom and father spanked all their little ones, and that i surely purely had to be swatted a nil.5-dozen circumstances in my life. the different time i presumed about misbehaving, I took the further 2 seconds to comprehend what the outcomes will be, and did not do it. by the years, i realized why my mom and father had regulations hostile to certain issues. and that i daresay my siblings and that i grew up a recommendations extra nicely-behaved than maximum children, and we surely are not violent. i can surely say that i'm happy my mom and father spanked me. it really is not any longer "violence", it really is showing outcomes to little ones that are not fazed with the help of "time-outs" or the different non-technique of self-discipline. i recognize it really is not any longer what you had to hearken to, and that i can't get any factors right here, yet I felt I had to assert something. btw. I purely graduated with optimal honors in engineering, and received a Fulbright fellowship to study overseas next 3 hundred and sixty 5 days... did spanking ruin my life? i imagine no longer. Edit: that is a debate without unmarried answer. you'd be living evidence that there is not any favor for that type of self-discipline FOR YOU, yet different little ones (the unholy terrors of the community) would take advantage of it. and that i'm living evidence that spanking would not harm some human beings, yet i am going to freely admit that there are likely children that would have problems with it. it really is the reason it will be left as a lot because the mum and father to pick, on condition that they're finally responsible for his or her little ones and recognize their little ones a recommendations extra effective than every person else.

Answer 10

Spanking him really wouldn't do any good. He'd still be getting the attention (even if it is negative) that's causing him to act out. The discipline you choose really depends on what the action is. I know you say he doesn't understand language yet, but you'd be surprised at how much they get. They know when you are upset/disappointed/etc. at them. You just have to be consistant in whatever method you choose. Stand your ground. I'm a big fan of time out to discourage unwanted behavior. I know you said he won't sit still, but that's when you just have to put him back in the timeout spot. When he misbehaves, explain that the behavior is unacceptable and if he does it again he'll be placed in timeout. Then, the VERY NEXT TIME he does that behavior, immediately place him in timeout. Tell him he has timeout and take him to the timeout spot. Do not pay anymore attention to him. Walk away. If he gets up, Do NOT speak to him or anything. Just pick him up and set him back in time out. Refuse to give him the attention he craves until he demonstrates that he deserves it. I

Answer 11

First of all, he understands some language. You have to figure it out what it is and use it. Don't explain things to him like he's 8 years old. Use small phrases. Let him know that you know what he wants to do. exmp. "you want to go up, up, up. No, no up. Down." And stop him or take him down. If and when he goes back up, discipline. To the bedroom (screaming and all) or play yard. You can't let him win. And never make threats without carrying them out. That's a no no. If you're not going to do it, don't say it. It will make you less credible. Condition him to the unrelenting consequence of his action. If he's misbehaving during his timeout....*sigh* you may have to spank him. It's better you now, than the cops later. He needs to learn that there are rules and rules must be followed...or else, and there are no second chances. Don't repeat yourself or reason with him. exmp. "are you gonna stop, are you gonna stop?!" Tell him NO, if he does anyway PUNISH.

Answer 12

No you won't raise a terror! It sounds to me like you're raising an intelligent, curious child, and you're at your wit's end. All I can offer you is that this will pass. Remember he's barely over a year old. He doesn't understand that he's doing anything wrong - he's just trying to learn his world. That's a wonderful thing, as long as there are boundaries, which you clearly have set. You don't let him play with scissors and stick his fingers in the stove. :)



Breathe, A LOT, and understand that what he's doing, however maddening, is actually good. And someday you will miss it. Good luck.

Answer 13

My Mom spanked only when whatever the child was doing was actually dangerous. The intent was to get the kid's attention (which it did) rather than punishment (which is pointless). She also used a playpen as a sort of time out. I had two brothers, one was a climber, that wanted to do what they wanted. Over time, they gradually learn their limits.



Some kids respond to authority easily. Not all kids respond to timeouts and redirection. My uncle never did that. He just screamed at the kid. That was worse, frankly. I'll be looking forward to other answers people give as my cousin's GF needs this advice as well.

Answer 14

You know I use to think spanking was the only way to go. But just climbing and getting into stuff is really just learning. He is just 16 months old, so try to use the word NO and mean it, like with your tone of voice, and maybe a little pat on the butt. Just to let him know that you mean what you say. I wish you luck!

Answer 15

stay consistent. don't let him see you weak. i know that may sound silly, but its true. you don't have to spank. i don't unless i asked them to do something three times and don't get the response i want. then its just a pat on the but and time out. sometimes the shock of a pat on the but is enough. take privileges away. along with a time out. but the best is BE CONSISTENT no matter what you do, stick with it. he will come around. just that you care to ask shows you are a good mom. he will be a good kid no worries mom

Answer 16

GRACIE,



SPANKING IS NOT A GOOD OPTION FOR THE FOLLOWING REASONS.

1. IT SHOWS HIM THAT YOU ARE BIGGER AND LESS LOVING BECAUSE YOU HURT HIM.

2. IS TEACHES HIM THAT DISAPPROVAL OF HIS BEHAVIOR CAN ONLY BE HANDLED THROUGH VIOLENCE.

3. IT BEGINS TO CAUSE HIM TO BE RESENTFUL TOWARDS YOU.

SO THEN WHAT ARE THE ANSWERS?

FIRST REALIZE THAT EVEN AT 16 MONTHS HE DOES INDEED UNDERSTAND MORE THAN YOU REALIZE. SO CALMLY TALK TO HIM.

SECOND, TAKE AWAY HIS FAVORITE TOY WITH THE STATEMENT THAT WHEN HE STARTS TO BEHAVE BETTER AND LISTEN TO YOU HE'LL GET IT BACK HIS FAVORITE TOY BACK.

THE WAY YOU TREAT HIM HAS TO BASED ON HIS BEHAVIOR. BY REWARDS FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR AND LOSS OF PRIVILEGES FOR BAD BEHAVIOR, YOU WILL ACCOMPLISH FAR GREATER COMPLIANCE.

DON'T BEAT, RATHER REWARD OR WITHHOLD PRIVILEGES. BEST SUCCESS!

Answer 17

No, you won't raise a terror if you don't spank. You'll raise a child who isn't afraid of pain from his mother. Maybe spanking "works" but it's too large a price to pay, in my book.



If he has a developmental problem (you mention he doesn’t understand language), you may need outside help to develop a good method of discipline for your child.

Answer 18

Babies that young do not understand, "time out" or "talking to" and redirection is not the way to get them to mind you or teach them that what they are doing is wrong or dangerous. A loud, firm, strong "NO!" can scare them enough to stop what they are doing if you dont want to spank. Personally, I spanked, not hard. Usually a swat on the leg( not on the diaper it does no good) gets their attention, but doesn't hurt them. In some cases, spanking is best, like when they run to the road, or play with something dangerous. Unfortunately, a this age they are pretty self-centered and that wont change for another year or so. Your son is in the "ME ME ME" stage. move everything you dont want him to get up really high, put plugs in the sockets, get a baby gate, and bare with it for now, hes just curious.

Answer 19

My name is Sara Beth and I am a married mom of 5. My oldest is my 6yr old stepson. I use a time-out chair. I start with 5 mins. If he acts up it goes up by 5's. I do this with my 5yr. old, and my 3yr. old. My twins ar almost 2 and I plan to do the same with them.

Answer 20

Not to take sides but ur family members are right but then wrong just because there are other ways to discipline a child. I mean spanking isn't all that bad, but only to a certain point! My advice to u would b not to over due the punishment. Another way to punish would be taking something he really likes that is not toys! Like for instant his favorite food and if that does not work u always have spanking to work with.

Answer 21

Redirecting is one of the main things caregivers do. I'd keep on tryin? When he climbs U should ask him "Do you want mom to help you get your feet on the floor or do you want to get them on the floor yourself"? And if you want him to sit just ask if can put his "pockets" on the seat or couch? It works most of the time. GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 22

This to me is the hardest age of all - when they're active but have no sense of danger. I spanked, and have never regretted it. But why not try putting him back in his cot? Say "No! I told you not to do that" and pick him up and put him in his cot? He'll soon get the message.

The answer to good discipline isn't in the spanking/not spanking. It is in the consistency of the discipline and making it clear what is acceptable and what isn't.

Answer 23

Shake him! JUST KIDDING

Teach him "NO" and redirect, then when he's good, even for 1 second praise him. When he's bad again, tell him no again, and redirect.

You don't need to be physical to get a point across. Be vocal all the time, praise and correct often!

Answer 24

You might want to spank him once to show him that you are in charge and that you deserve respect. If you threaten to spank him or put him in time out, keep to your promises. If you don't want to spank him, it is alright. Be open to advice from your mother-in-law and mom, but remember - it's your kid and you get to decide how to raise it. There are also online classes on parenting that you can go to. Don't worry - I bet you're doing fine!

Answer 25

Just have a one-to-one ''conversation'' with your kid. You must know, how younger they are, how faster they learn. You will raise a terror if you DO spank. Later in life, the spanking may have a psychological effect on your kid. He might think that you have abused him or something, don't do it!!!



Just look him right into the eyes and just tell him (with raised voice) what you want to tell him... He might not understand it, but have patience.



An alternative is to remove his possessions. (explain why!) Then when he's nice again, return them... after a couple of times, he will understand.



I don't guarantee that this will work.

Answer 26

He does to understand language! Try telling him "No!" and then slapping his hand and moving him away from whatever he isn't supposed to be in. It will take a little patience, but I bet you will see an improvement when you say no!

Answer 27

my mom would get down eye to eye with me and not smake it but taped me on my hand and say "no" not to powerful but in a mad way(ur a mom u would know what kind of no to use)

dont let ur mom and mom in law tell u how to raise ur own kid let them have an opion but raise ur baby ur way!

Answer 28

Please don't resort to spanking, your child should grow up trusting you not to hurt them. Respect comes from trust and reason, not fear.



At 16 months they are fairly new at being able to get around and they need to explore! It's up to us to put them in a safe environment to do so. Use baby gates to section off an area that you can thoroughly baby proof.



Time out works better for 2 years and older when they are more able to understand, and to start you might need to sit with the child in time out.



It gets easier. Follow your parenting instincts, don't do what others tell you if it doesn't feel right to you.

Answer 29

I spank and my kids aren't terrors. If he won't sit when you put him in a time out, hold him there (sit with him in your lap, but don't talk to him [he might think he's being rewarded])

Answer 30

Yes you will! You have too show him that you are the boss, otherwise he will never have respect for you and could end up taking you for granted. Beat his little tail and then put him in time out. He may not like it but he will respect you for it and will appreciate what you did to teach him some discipline when he gets old enough to make his own decisions.

Answer 31

the first guy had some good alternatives, may i also suggest smacking and wacking

Answer 32

tapping on the hand twice then give him a choice.

Answer 33

Im a firm believer in spanking. When my kids were little it just about killed me to spank them but you have to do it.. they will learn.

I also tried time out when they got older and that worked fine but only when they were 2-3.

Answer 34

try taking away his toys, tv, snacks, privileges etc....

Answer 35

i don't like to spank my daughter but i use these methods to get her attention....i pop her with my hand just hard enough for her to look at me and i use a fly swatter especially for her all i have to do it grab it now and she will stop.....my daughter is 2 but we are learnin the countin rule i get to 3 and you are mine lol and if she is being bad i send her to her room she hates it!

Answer 36

Ice cold water shot through a water gun. It is like a miracle! And more importantly it does not hurt.

Answer 37

KIDS NEED TO BE SMACKED sometimes. When all else fails put some fear into that kid.

Answer 38

electric shock, duct tape, food deprivation, all will yeild the desired results.