Overall work: Stay-at-home v. Working Moms?

Question

My mom had to go back to work when I was 2 weeks old. She was lucky that she had my grandparents to watch me, so she didn't have to pay a daycare or a babysitter, but she was still responsible for her own house and me and my brother.

I was raised by a single, working mother, and I came into my marraige expecting to be a working mother; I went to college and got 2 degrees, and I wanted to put them to use and be a part of the income. But it looks like I'm going to end up a SAHM...for a while anyway...I was never able to find a job after we moved to a different state, and I figured "why not just start the family now!?" (Instead of waiting 3 years: another year searching for a job, then waiting a year so I'd have the rights to maternity leave, then a year for conception, pregnancy, and birth, lol, give or take a month :o)

I don't have anything against either side. I can see the pros and cons of both situations. But I'm curious about other people's opinions.

I see posts where people try and argue that a working parent works twice as hard as a SAHM, since she has to work, then come home and maintain the house and take care of the children, at the same time, making up for the time she hasn't spent with her child. But I can understand that argument; I don't see how it CAN'T be true...she DOES have to come home and do the same amount of work as the SAHM would to cook and clean the house. So I would have to give the "amount of work" vote to the working mom.

But for the child rearing, I can understand the benefits of being a SAHM. Not only does the parent benefit from being able to spend more time with the children and not risk missing out on anything (like the first step, the first word, etc), but the children can benefit too. I can understand the negative arguments about seperation anxiety and not receiving the same amount of social interaction as the child would receive at a daycare...but the SAHM can make up for that easily with a daily trip to the park, babysitting other kids, or spending time with their own adult friends who have children of their own. So I'd give the child-rearing point to the SAHM.

I suppose the phrasing of my title question is poor. Raising a child is hard work no matter how you go about it! And it shouldn't be a matter of whether what's easier for the parent, but rather, what's best for the children.

But still, what's your opinion? Do you think one side has an advantage for the child over the other side? Do you think one side has it any harder than the other side? What do you see as the biggest pros and cons of each side? Which would you prefer?

Answer 1

I've done both, I was a stay at home at first, but then it got to the point that things would be easier with another salary and I personally wanted to return to work so I went back, and they are just different kinds of work. Stay at homes have a harder time socially and mentally, because they have to spend 24/7 caring for the children, its hard going through your life with very little adult interaction, plus you are always on the job. Working is more stressful and physically draining, because you have to do everything you do as a SAHM, with a full time job on top of that, so I spend my day at work and come home and have to clean the house and make dinner and get everything done around the house (with the help of my husband of course) and still spend time with the kids. As for the advantage for the child, I spent the beginning of my childhood being raised by a SAHM and she went back to work when I was about 5 or 6, and I honestly dont think it really has an impact on the child as long as the parents still provide attention, sure they may get some separation issues at first, but its nothing that will effect them in the long run, I think its more of just a personal choice of the mother and what works best for her, so no, I dont think one side gives a bigger advantage to the child, it really doesnt matter in the long run. I work a 40 hour week, but I still spend a ton of time with my kids, we are very close and they know I will always be there for them and they always come first. I have four children, im pregnant with my fifth, I was home for the first few years of my older two's life and I was working for my younger two and they really havnt developed any different.



Angela Chambers- so I dont love my kids as much as you because I dont spend 24/7 with them...

Answer 2

Well I've only ever been a working mom so I'm afraid I can't look at both sides of the coin like some other answerers...and as such, I cannot say if one is harder than the other. I do know that I've gotten myself all worked up over similar questions in the past and the bottom line is that each has numerous advantages and disadvantages...and this goes beyond just "which is more work". Because more important to me than how physically demanding it is to be a working mom is how emotionally sh!tty it is. Do you have any idea what I would give to be able to spend all of my time with my daughter? Going back to work when she was only 7 weeks old was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and not a day goes by that I don't feel immense regret and bitterness about the fact that I simply have to hold a job right now in order to keep my family afloat. It KILLS me. So I start thinking about this and then I'm 100% being a SAHM is "easier" and I can't wrap my mind around how anyone would disagree...BUT I've never been there. Never played little kid games and made snacks and did laundry and dishes and such all day long. To me it sounds like a vacation but only because it's not my reality. And there are a bunch of other emotionally/mentally trying scenarios when you're a SAHM, such as being fully respected by your spouse. Obviously not ALL SAHMs have arguments with their husbands about who contributes what, but it IS a fairly common complaint of all the SAHMs I know personally, including ones here on Y!A.



Anywho, I think it depends on the individual...what is hard to you isn't necessarily hard to me and vice versa. There is no right answer.

Answer 3

Honestly it depends on the Mother and the other family dynamics. I know working Moms who realize they may not see their kids as much so they go to great lengths to make sure the times they do spend with the kids is quality . Then I know SAHM that maybe in the same room as the kids but put them infront of a TV and never take them out to the park and don't even do much around the house. So no one can say one is better than the other in any area



I just have to say I agree with you on the money issue.It depends on the job a mom has too if it is worth working.. not all my money goes to child care, my kids are in school and need to go to care for less than an hour a day and I make more than enough to cover that cost. Plus I have good benefits, the kids have healthy college funds ( which we would not have if I did n't work). If my husband lost his job it would hurt us but we would be ok and not have to worry about losing our home. For some women working is not possible, but in todays economy when Daddy can lose his job at any minute, it is probably a good idea for all Moms to at least have some kind of marketable job skill or education to fall back on

Answer 4

My husband and I have alternated being guilt-free working parents and stigma-free stay at home parents. Both positions have been very demanding and complex in different ways. Both are also very gratifying situations and our family has thrived in both. Balance and self-confidence are key, or so I believe.



I wouldn't say that I work more than a SAHM or a WOHM, regardless of which one I am at the moment. I do not feel better about my life by trying to one-up other people and if SAHMs and WOHMs out there believe that someone has it easier, the best thing is to acknowledge their effort and dedication to their multiple roles and not to turn things into a competition. I know how hard I work and how much I want to be a good parent. So does my husband. Parents shouldn't need a disclaimer to validate their choices.



Some SAHMs have very comfortable arrangements to have plenty of me-time and enjoy their homes quietly but others have very demanding kids and make do with very little. Some WOHMs are very succesful in their careers and are lucky to have good, familiar care givers to lend a hand. Other WOHMs are tired and also make do with very little. There is no general rule.



I am not ashamed to admit that I have been a very lucky WOHM and SAHM. Yes, caring for our children's special needs has been an absolute struggle and a hardship that changed us forever, but I enjoy my home and dedicating extra time to the house, the garden and of course, the kids' daily routine. And yeah, my job allowes me to take time off when the children need me and my co-workers are very supportive of my role as a mother. I am not a martyr.



If a SAHM or a WOHM walked up to me and tried to convince me in every way that their roles are so much harder than mine, I would smile and say "and for that I am grateful". As long as my family knows I do my best and things work out, I don't care if others want to take the spotlight :) Life is too short for imaginary competitions.

Answer 5

I am a stay at home mom, so I obviously prefer what I'm doing. I can give you the pros and cons from my side.



I get to stay at home with my children. I don't have to worry about what will happen while they are in someone else's hands. I get to see the light bulb come on when they learn something new. I never had to hear about a first (step, smile, solid food, etc) from a baby sitter. When they are sick, it's me that comforts and cuddles them until they feel better. I don't have the guilt of having to call in sick or find someone to watch them. As a result of being home, I have more time to plan and make healthy meals, home made snacks, and run errands alone so that I have more time for my family. Now that the children are in school, I am able to run forgotten items, volunteer in classrooms, and help out with parties.



There are a few cons. The pressure of ensuring they make it to kindergarten knowing their letters, colors, and how to print there name was one of the early ones. I have a tendency to take care of everything, so now we are having a bit of a struggle encouraging a little more self reliance -- not independence, but responsibility for ones self. Keeping the house tidy was a lot more effort since we were home doing crafts and learning activities all day -- something that has gone on into the school years, only now it is projects that either go to school or enhance what they are learning at school. It takes a little more effort to make adult friends, since my life is centered around my family and I don't have the outlet of a job that is adult focused.



Even though I sometimes feel like I'm just someones mom or wife, I don't ever have the guilt or frustration of having to deal with a job and home. There are days where I have a lot to do and my life seems very stressful, but I've watched my working friends and I think I'll keep my stress.

Answer 6

I have been a single working mom and a SAHM. Some days at home are harder than when I was working a job, some aren't. I respect all moms who take care of their children and keep a tidy house, working or not.



My son is 8 and my daughter is 2. My son spent the first 5 years of his life at daycare all day while I was either working or at school and now I have had the luxury to stay at home with my daughter since she was about 9 months old. I love spending my time with her all day and really wish I could have had this opportunity with my son. Unfortunately it wasn't an option since I had him when I was 15 and stayed in school and worked too. I did the best I could for him but didn't get to spend much time with him.

Answer 7

I am 21 years old and a mother of two beautiful children and for me there is no better thing than being a stay at home mom. Although I am young mother I am proud to say that my kids are growing with good manners, and are educated well, something a babysitter or anyone else could not do. I know that although I'm dying to work, my kids are more important. For all you stay at home mothers or fathers let me tell you that you have the most important job in the world. Enjoy it as much as you can and you will be rewarded as your children get older, you will see the time you spent with them was worth it all the way.

Answer 8

I think you start with what you want for your children. For example, we did not want day care, so that helped us make our plans. As for working....I think some people are simply more productive than others, regardless if its a wage paying project or not. Do what works for you, and honestly, as a society sometimes we need to slow down and enjoy the down time, enjoy our family and friends. I have been at home and worked, and I can honestly say that taking care of my babies was exhausting in a way that nothing else comes close to. Maybe that is my personality, maybe not. I always make my kids a priority and everyone around me knows that. Right now I work part time for our small business, am trying to help hubby establish a second business, home school both kids, and maintain a household. Hubby helps a lot with cooking and groceries and errands, but I do the majority of laundry, tidying, doctor visits and extra curricular activities.

Answer 9

Being a parent is a 24/7 job. It doesn't matter if you work or stay at home. You don't get a break when you have kids. There is always something. Working parents still have to clean the house and take care of the kids like anyone else. People that stay at home just get to save themselves the commute. The amount of work and effort you put into something depends on the person, not the "career" choice. Both titles work just as hard as the other. The only difference is your schedule and the order in which you do things. People who think they have it harder have ego issues.

Answer 10

My opinion is that it is better for the child to have a stay at home mom. I think that it is better for the children for a couple of reasons. First of all the question of who raises the children. If you work then you cannot be the child's primary influence. who ever is around the child most during their waking hours is who they will be most influenced by, and you will never know what influence they are getting when you are not around. Second, discipline. Other people don't have the ability to discipline in the same way that you do. So the children get confused that they get one set of rules and fallow through from the care giver and another set through the parents. Third, their is more stress on the marriage because you are so busy with the house, the children, and your job. You wont have the time that you need to spend with your husband because you have so much other stuff to do and then the children can feel the tension in the family and it upsets them. Fourth, If you work do you realize that almost all of you income if not all of it will just be covering the child's care? So you will not really be bringing any more income into the family. Childcare is very expensive. Also if you child is sick, you can't just not go to work because your work will be depending on you and children get sick very often. So I think that it is mostly cons for working mother and all pros for Stay at home mothers. Just think about it.

Answer 11

I'm not going to delve into it much. They are both hard jobs at times and both have perks that may make it less physically or emotionally draining depending on which factor you're looking at. As far as work at home goes. When I was completely an SAHM, I had more housework because we were home all day making messes and cooking/cleaning up after those. Now that I work part time, I have less actual housework but also less time to do it in. It balances out thatway.

Answer 12

My life is super easy, I'm not going to lie. I am a SAHM, I go to school Tues and Thurs nights, and the rest of the time I just do what I want. My son isn't that messy, and how hard is it to keep the house clean? Not very... My day is pretty lazy, and I'm sure it is a hell of a lot easier than pulling a 40 hour week outside the home...

Answer 13

I agree with most of what you said.

Not so much w/ the child rearing statement though. There are moms at home w/ their kids who are wrapped up in something other than their children all day and there are working moms who rush home and cherish every single minute, taking nothing for granted. (And, of course, this works both ways.) It varies person to person and there's your answer to all of the above... no one person is the same. Working or not working doesn't make you a good mom. Being a good mom makes you a good mom.



I work. I chose to work. I'm a better mom because I work. That's right, I didn't say I'm a better mom than you because I work, I said I'm a better mom because I work. That's just me. I am as patient as patient gets but if you were to give me months at a time, in a house w/ a 6, 3, and 14 month old... that patience would be gone.



On "one of those" Saturdays, when the kids are tired and cranky and arguing and all 3 of them are crying at the same time and I want to pull my hair out and scream, I simply remind myself, "THIS is why I work".



ETA: And I would like to add this after reading the other answers...... Note... I'm not saying one is harder than the other (see my Saturday story above) but, do you guys have toddlers???? It takes 30 seconds for mine to make a mess. Give them 10 minutes while we are at home in between running errands while I'm unloading groceries and a single room can be destroyed. Destroyed! Seriously, my 14 month old is a house-wrecking terrorist, LOL.

Answer 14

I am a stay at home and working mom. I do home daycare. I am at home with my kids but I also take care of other children. I have a 4 year degree in Business Management and I am hoping when my 4 children are all in school to someday pursue that area again. For now, I work at home with my kids and other children as well. Its a great way to earn a decent income and be at home with your children while they are young. You should look into it on my website www.daycareheadquarters.com.

Good Luck!

Angela

Answer 15

Well being a SAHM is a bit harder than being a working mom b/c someone is in your house 24/7 making a mess and your cooking 3 meals a day vs only being home to mess it up in the evenings.



I have a college degree and planned on working, but once my baby was born I just couldn't bear it. Maybe you should give being a SAHM a chance and see how you feel.

Answer 16

I've done both. I don't know that I can say that I prefer one over the other; there are pro's and con's that accompany either decision. When I was staying home, I loved getting to spend so much time with my kids, but I was worn out and felt like eventually I wasn't capitalizing on that special time because we had so much of it... if that makes sense. I began to yearn for some "adult time" and got exhausted of being "on call" 24/7. Now that I'm working outside of the home, I miss my kids like crazy when I'm at the office. Sometimes it gets quite difficult to deal with, I pour on far too much of that "mommy guilt", etc. But it's so, so nice to go pick them up from daycare and have that reunion with my munchkins. I've come to discover that it's not the _quantity_ of time you spend with your kids that matters, it's the _quality_ of time you spend with them.



There have been studies done where the data shows that kids who stay at-home with a parent for their first five years of life do not have any advantage over daycare kids, school performance-wise. I think that's a bit of information that's interesting and worth passing along.

Answer 17

My dad workes a good job and my mom stayes home and cleans cooks and she is technically a receptionest to my dad job.she anserws call get number all that.she also home schooles me and my 3 brothers. (dont judge) so we spend alot of time togeather i like stay at home moms better (if they can afford to stay home)

Answer 18

Everyone can work at home and make money, but you need to learn (how it works - and what do you do)

One way to work (Internet Marketing).

Answer 19

This article might help offer support.



http://articles.philly.com/1990-04-12/news/25919110_1_superwoman-homemaker-marjorie-hansen-shaevitz

Answer 20

"I don't see how it CAN'T be true...she DOES have to come home and do the same amount of work as the SAHM would to cook and clean the house."



?!?



Bit of a difference in cleaning/maintaining/cooking for the occupants of a house that is totally empty all day vs a house that has children in it all day. Do you not ever go out for a full day, and feel relieved when you get home in the evening and find that the house is clean?



"not receiving the same amount of social interaction as the child would receive at a daycare"



I am relieved to not have my kid exposed to the 'social interaction' of being barely spoken to with little one-on-one time with an adult, being shepherded along on a rope or quintuple stroller... What 'social interaction' do people think exists in institutional day cares? Does anybody really feel it's beneficial to a kid to have another barely verbal tot come over and steal crayons while a twenty-two-year-old non-parent is busy elsewhere?



Many reasonable arguments to be made on both sides but...

Answer 21

I feel that working mums do have it harder. Although i have ready studies where their children have more benefit because those mums tend to be keen on spending QUALITY time with their child - its not the quantity of time, its the quality of time.

Answer 22

My Opinion~



I plan on being a stay-at-home mom...



Why? Because I'm going to love my kids that much, that's why...