Disciplining a four year old? Young mother looking for advice?

Question

My four year old daughter Paige is an absolute angel 90 percent of the time.. the other ten percent though, that is another story. I am a young mother, I had her just out of high school. We have learned so much from each other and she has been a blessing.
Lately though her behavior is becoming a problem.. I have tried several methods of discipline and nothing seems to be working. Yesterday I did something I had never done before. Her daddy has given her a spanking a couple of times, like the time she ran out in the road and when she told him to shut up. I had never done it until yesterday though. She was just out of hand yesterday. I am in school, and finishing up my degree, and I am taking an online class. Paige was running around the house and just misbehaving and not listening. I sat her in timeout and she had a fit. I had just printed off a report for my friend to proof read for me. She got it and acted like she was going to tear it in the middle of a tantrum. I told her to put it and down and sit back down or I was going to spank her. She ripped it and threw on the floor.
I pulled out the kitchen chair and told her to come to me. She looked at me as if to say are you kidding me? I sat her on my lap and told her I loved her with all my heart but this kind of behavior was going to stop. I had short talk with her then turner her over and spanker her hiney.
She cried her eyes out and I felt like such a mean mommy? It didn't hurt her that much, but I think she was just suprised that I spanked her. As much as I hated it, I can tell a difference today. Her behavior twoards me has automatically improved.
I have tried everything else.. I never pictured myself spanking her. I don't want to be the mean mommy, but I do not want a bad behaved child who will not listen either. Did I do ok? Can anyone give me advice?

Answer 1

You did the right thing. If she's acting better for you today then you made your point. In the future the threat of a spanking may be all it takes to get the behavior you want. Just be consistent, that's the key.

Answer 2

I can't believe everyone else on here agrees with spanking, and I know that you will probably ignore this response and it will just be overwhelmed by all the others, but I feel like I should write it any way.



I never grew up being spanked, and cannot imagine what it would feel like. My mother once got extremely mad and lost control for a split second, grabbing me. After that, you might say I listened to her. But it was because I was incredibly sad, not because I learned anything.



I'm not saying you're a mean mommy, I know you were just trying to do what's right. But there are other ways, even when you're at your wits end, there are always other ways.

You sound well educated, and you're right: you should never threaten something and not follow through. Empty threats are the worst thing you can do. The solution is to not threaten spanking.

I'm going to give you a few alternatives, and you might scoff at them, or feel like you have already tried them, but it's worth it to continue. The minute your daughter does something wrong, have a corner that she must sit in. Depending on the offense, the length can change: 4 minutes or 15 minutes, whatever you need. The first times if she does not listen, tell her that if she does not go to the corner and stay until she's told she can leave, she will have something taken away. A favorite show, A treat she's been looking forward to, a playdate with a friend cancelled- and then if she doesn't listen- FOLLOW THROUGH. After a few times she will just go to the corner. The longer she's cries and is loud in the corner, the longer she stays there. The minutes have to be QUIET. If she cries they do not count.

For the instance with the paper, punishment can be more severe than a trip to the corner. That does not mean spanking. One of the things listed above, would work. Believe me.

This will take more time than just flipping over your daughter and hitting her, but it is just as effective. Please stop your husband from spanking too, there ARE OTHER WAYS.



I know you love your daughter and care enough to put the effort in, and I know my answer is one small one amongst many saying you are doing well. But if you listen to me, I promise the results will be much better.



What do you do if your daughter starts hitting? How do you explain it to her, if you hit her yourself?



I don't agree with spanking, it is abusive. Please, you can contact me through email if you have another situation you need help with and don't want to spank. At any time- [e-mail].



I hope you hear me. Just hear me, I have experience and I know that physically hurting your child is a nasty cycle. You love your daughter, so do what is best for her.

Answer 3

You are finding out what I found out when I had my daughter. Prior to that I had been brainwashed by the liberal education and psychology professors that spanking was terrible (even though both myself and my sister turned out just fine and according to these "experts" it is especially astonishing we did not turn out to be neurotic basket cases since Mom's spankings were extraordinarily "psychologically damaging"-- usually bare bottom and sometimes she even used a wooden spoon or hairbrush).



When I actually had to face the issue in person I got to thinking about it, and went back and really seriously reviewed all the anti-spanking research and literature--and it is at best inconclusive, at worst horribly misleading. There is actually good research out there (you never hear about in the mainstream media) indicating that spanking is the very best way for parents to get their kids to comply with their wishes--and does not cause violence or any other harm.



I gave it a try and have never looked back. I don't want to give the impression I run some kind of boot camp--but I don't feel spanking is just a "last resort" measure. I actually don't feel the need to punish all that often--talking works quite well most of the time (and often just showing up with the paddle in hand negates any need for its actual use--lol). But, when there is a need for punishment I generally don't mess around with ineffective timeouts, naughty chairs, etc--I spank.



The reaction of your daughter is the only proof you need!



I actually think a lot of us younger parents are going back to some of the the tried and true methods of raising children, including spanking--we are just sick and tired of the spoiled brats and recognize the utter failure of the nospanking social experiment started in the sixties.



Don't feel guilty!!! Keep it up--and be consistent---that is the hardest part.

Answer 4

Mainly, however you do discipline her, needs to be from Mommy when she is misbehaving with Mommy, and Daddy when she misbehaves with Daddy. Dont let him do all the disciplining bc she will walk all over you when he isnt around. The other important thing is to follow through. If you tell her, "I'm going to spank you if you do that..." and she does it... SPANK HER! You only get a couple of chances to pave the way for childrens behavior, and if you give her empty threats, that will have a lifetime of impact. Good luck, you did the right thing!

Answer 5

Kids will constantly "test" you to find their limits and structure and boundaries. They depend upon us as parents to place those limits and boundaries...it makes them feel secure, even though deep down you feel like a crud and worry about being "mean." You did just fine and I like that you were in control and not hitting out of frustration but rather you were following through on what you told her. She learns that you mean what you say, you aren't just spewing words out your mouth, and that you do have limits and boundaries, and certain behavior is simply not allowed. Good Job Mom! When she gets older you can pretty much dump the spankings and move on to other discipline, like taking away favorite toys or privileges or assigning chores or writing lines etc.



Just keep in mind that it is the nature of kids to test you, so just when you feel you've got it under control and you let a few misbehaviors slide, they push at you with full force and you've got to get right back to being consistent!



Consistency is the key, too bad I'm not always consistent! LOL

Answer 6

Your child is getting to the age that she discovers she can push your buttons and wants to see how far she can get with you. Try sitting down telling her that her behavior is unacceptable and you will not take it anymore. Stick to your guns. Don't just threaten her, make promises of discipline and then follow through. Stop feeling guilty. If you don't discipline her others will not see the angel she can be and when she gets older she will be even more wild than she is now. Remember, you discipline her because you love her not in spite of loving her. teach her how to be an angel for everyone.

Answer 7

Ok, I'm not a mommy, but I have lots of experience with children. It sounds like you did the right thing. What most people don't realize is that different children need different types of discipline. Discipline also means teaching, and it sounds like you TAUGHT her by what you did. You taught her that her behavior was not acceptable. You didn't do it because of anger, you didn't overdo the discipline. You're helping your child in the long run. Good job.

Answer 8

Spanking your child is not a bad thing. Obviously she needed it. If it means that she will listen to you and obey (especially if it means listening to you when she's in a dangerous situation), it's worth it. I think you did a good job by explaining to her that you love her, but he behavior was unexceptable. She can certainly understand at the age of 4. Just be consistent, even when it's hard.

Answer 9

the bible says spare the rod spoil the child, if you dont want her misbehaving sometimes you might have to use spankings, and no this dosent make you a mean nor bad mommy

Answer 10

as a young mommy myself I can understand. my husband and I pull are hair out at times with our daughter, she is almost 4 and is acting the same way, I don't know why they call it terrible two's it should be terrible two's through 4's. I don't think you did anything wrong. my daughter is going through the same thing thinking she can get her way by kicking and screaming. good luck.

Answer 11

Please dont be one of those parents that "feel bad" and "mean" evrytime they have to dicipline there child by spanking..i had the same problem when my kids were that age and yes i did spank them..it only takes a few spankings for them to know you mean buisness!!...

Answer 12

You sound like a good mom. I think when kids are lashing out there is a reason for it. Maybe she is angry about something, or wishing for some attention.

Answer 13

you did the right thing