What is a reasonable bedtime for an under ten-year-old?

Question

My boys at that age were always in bed by 7.30 p.m schoolday or not but then *they* got up early on a Saturday to do their chores and help me with the shopping and I had them up early on a Sunday too in order to prepare them for Sunday School.
I have my Grandsons (nine,eight and three) on a Friday so that their parents can go out and I keep similar bedtimes for them as I did for my boys - in fact I allow them until 8p.m. to be settled down in bed which is a concession on my part.
Now my daughter-in-law has just telephoned me (drunk I have no doubt) to enquire after the boys and I simply mentioned that my eldest grandson was complaining earlier about going to bed at the same time as his younger brothers as he doesn't have to at home (she favours him).I 'phoned back and insisted on speaking to my son and he agrees with me - as *she* did when I said that I would have the boys on a Friday night (for *her* sake) but it would be "my house my rules".
Anyhow she is no doubt making a big hoo-ha about all of this and I want to be able to confront her in the morning when she comes to pick the boys up.
My boys all went to bed at the same time as they shared a room ( as my grandsons do when here) and didn't complain so why should be eldest grandson be the cause of so much dissention?
Briefly - for growing boys why should 8.p.m. be "too early for *me*" (that's what he said!) to go to bed for an *nine*-year-old and why should he be favoured over his younger brothers?
I think that 8p.m. is a reasonable bedtime for the under-tens especially when they share a room - comments please.

Answer 1

I agree that children under the age of ten should have that early of a bedtime. If she still wants you to watch her kids at your house every Friday, then she should respect your house rules. And she should teach her eldest son to respect his elders!



In my house, weekdays and weekends do not matter. 8 pm is the latest my children will be able to stay up until at least middle school. Unless the grades and behavior are magnificent, no argument could sway me. Children need their sleep.



Tell her and your son that if she does not like your rules to find a new Friday night babysitter or to come home by 8pm to pick the boys up.

Answer 2

How do you know that she's making a deal of it? And why do you need to confront her about it?



There are four years between my brother and I, and my cousin (around my brothers age) often stayed with us when we were younger. I always remember complaining when they got to stay up later than me, it's just the way things are when you're kids. Obviously, a 4 year old will need more sleep than an 8 or even more so a nine year old. And it's not really fair to make a nine year old go to bed the same time as a four year old, especially on a weekend night; it's a vast difference.



When I babysit my two younger cousins, 5 and 11, the youngest goes to bed at half eight and the eldest is usually allowed to stay up until she decides she's tired, which doesn't get any later than quarter past ten. On school nights though, she has to be in bed by 9 and the youngest 8. If made to go to bed any earlier, I doubt they'd be able to get to sleep until these times anyway, due to their natural body clocks.



I think it'd be better for the boys if you follow what their own mother has decided for them, it may be different to what you did when you had your children to look after, but these are her children, it is up to her how to bring them up. Fair enough, you can have your say, but it's then up to the mother to consider such points. She should respect your views, however at the same time you should respect and accept hers. Neither of you should look for problems within eachother, as not suprisingly children arent stupid and can pick up on such atmospheres very well and would you really want them to feel awkward whenever you're brought up? I doubt it. Stop picking faults and just let simple little things drop, rather than planning the petty little arguments/confrontations you're going to have, chances are she'll not even be that bothered until its brought up again.

Answer 3

I think that your rules should stand in your house. I also think 7.30-8pm is too young for the 8 and 9 year old on a weekend, but, again - your house, your rules. In my experience the 4 year old will be sound asleep in an hour, and probably won't even notice the others coming in later.



I think that your daughter in law should be able to drink on a Friday night if she wants, particularly as the boys aren't home. If she is not happy with "your house, your rules", then don't have the boys.



And two personal points. One: Perhaps I missed something in your question, as I'm not sure how you know she is making a hoo-ha. From what I gather, you mentioned the boys were going to bed and then you phoned your son later to discuss it. How do you know that she was annoyed about it? Are you sure you're not just guessing? Two: Are you sure that you aren't a little down on your eldest grandson because his mother seems to favour him?



I hope that things went okay this morning and that you were able to tell her that your rules apply in your house calmly and firmly. It must be awful for the boys to see you at loggerheads with their mother all the time.

Answer 4

Wow, that is too early for the 8 & 9 year old on a Friday night, and I say that as the mother of a current 8 year old. Why not put the 4 year old to bed at 8 and then the older kids at 9 or 9:30? It's not out of line to let older kids stay up a little longer than the preschoolers, and that way the youngest gets his extra rest while the older kids get that extra privilege of staying up because they are older.



It's not about being favored over the other brothers, it's that developmentally they are not the same. If you put my daughter in bed at 8 on a Friday night she will read with her flashlight for about 2 hours before she even feels sleepy.



In fact, my daughter is going to a community event for kids her age tonight from 6:30 to 9:00 p.m. I am not exaggerating, that 8 pm night time is out of line to me. Even on a school night it's 8:30 when we start getting ready for bed.

Answer 5

your house your rules. Simple as that.







BUT... Their also HER children. You have a right to be a grandparent. BUT NOT THE ACTUAL PARENT. Other things like, what they can watch on tv, whether or not they washed their hands for dinner, those thing you can control. You do have the responsibilty for them while they are in your home.. But, messing with a childs clock, when their so used to being with their parents.. is kinda blah!





On the weekends it's different. Or I see it that way. There's a friday & saturday that could be spent awake! 7:30-8 is a bit early for them. It's just TWO days out of the week they can go to bed later. My cousin is about 10 1/2 now, and on weekends her mother let's her stay up doing as she pleases.. like...movies, drawing, talking to friends, all that stuff.. but if it get's to 10:00 the phone get's cut off... but she can still be in her room watching movies and such. She usually ends up falling asleep by 11:00/30 anyways.. During the week... she is in the bed no later than 9 since she doesn't have to be at school until 7:45am the next day.













-This is just my opinion and experience with family. :)

Answer 6

I have a four year old that goes to bed at 9:00 and sleeps until 8am and still takes a 2 hour nap. That is 13 hours of sleep. Young children require 12-14 hours of sleep. When he stops taking naps my husband and I think we will move his bedtime to 8:00.

I can tell you that her favoring one child is no good. My parents always had separate rules for my brother and I. There is only 2 years difference between us and I hated it.

But on the other hand as a child gets older they do need to have more privileges as well as more responsibility!

I would tell her that if she doesn't like your rules she can come get them at your 8:00 bed time from now on!

And last thing I would like to point out is that you are the grandmother it needs to be there parents that enforces the rules

Answer 7

Between 8.30pm - 9.00pm on a school night is an acceptable time for a 9 year old to go to bed. 10.00pm on a Friday on Saturday night



There is four years age difference between my children, and my youngest always goes to bed before the eldest, and they share the same room! It has always been that way, and I won't change it. It works well for us and I have never had any problems because of it!



I can completely understand why your eldest grandson would want to go to bed later and I think 8pm is too early for him to go to bed, especially on a Friday when there is no school the next day!



If you don't want to have your grandchildren while their parents go out for a well deserved evening out together, why do you agree to babysit?!



I've said it before and I will say it again, times have changed a lot since your children were young and the sooner you accept it the better! My parents don't expect me to bring up my children the way they brought me up, because times have changed so much!

Answer 8

It is not fair to treat the older boys the same as the 3 year old. If you put the 3 year old to bed between 7 and 8 let the older boys stay up til 9 it is the weekend after all and a lot of children their age are at youth clubs til 8.30 anyway on a friday night. What is your problem with your daughter in law? PS its your sons youngest child not yours.

Answer 9

I think that the way that you have things set up is fine. If they are with you, then it should be your household rules. You need to make sure that your negative feelings about your daughter-in-law are not taken out on the child that she "favors". Your son, if he agrees with you, then needs to settle that with his wife. Especially if the boys are sharing a room and settle down together, then they just have to live with that. I totally agree that an early bed time for kids is a must. 9:00 would be the latest time! As the boys get older however the eldest one will have a later bed time and that is natural..it won't be favor over his brothers, they would have to understand that he's older.

Answer 10

I find it hard to believe you have three grandchildren. You are so pathetically immature it's unreal. Grow up, you're getting boring.



And yes, 8pm is FAR TOO EARLY for a 9 year old to be going to bed, especially as it's the same time as his 3 year old brother?! Just because your sons did it without any fuss, doesn't mean your grandchildren will. You should spread it out a bit, why are you so eager to shove your grandchildren to bed anyway?! It's the freaking weekend woman, JEEZ!



Do you have no respect at all for her husband.. your son? So what if she was drunk when she rang you? You had care of the boys, she can do what she wants quite frankly, why should she have to ask you for permission?!



EDIT: Has it ever occured to you that you could be banned from seeing your grandchildren? You are extremely lucky you haven't so far. You really shouldn't push it.

Answer 11

Weekends my girl can stay up as late, sometimes till 11. She goes to bed at 8:30/9 on weekdays (she is 8)

Also, I would not expect a 9 year old to go to bed the same time as a three year old.

Answer 12

For a Friday evening, I would not make them be in bed by 8:00. It's not even dark here by 8:00! But, then again, it is your house.... So, I guess it's your call. It sounds like you are used to a lot of structure, which is not bad. But, I wasn't raised to be in bed by 8:00, nor does my son have to be in bed by 8:00. Maybe 9:00 or so is more reasonable.

Answer 13

I am 39 and when I was nine I was going to bed at 8.00pm. My younger brother went to bed earlier than me, as my parents thought it was only fair that I should stay up later as I was two years older than him. When I was ten, I found it really hard to get to sleep. My mum took me to my GP as I wasn't sleeping well at all and he advised a bedtime of 9.00pm, weeknights and weekends.



I say this because I know you have a bee in your bonnet about 'modern parenting' so rather than tell you what I do with my own children I thought I would tell you what my mum did - she is older than you so maybe you can respect the fact that it is not modern parenting that is wrong, it is you.

Answer 14

wow 7:30pm sounds really early to me.



i do believe it's your house, so your rules. if they don't like your rules, then they can go PAY $100 for childcare each friday.



but maybe you should relax your rules alittle bit. if you want 8pm on a school night that is reasonable. I believe kids need ALOT of sleep, especially on school nights. but it's friday!! maybe you should let them have a nice, fun, lose weekend since kids are woken up way to early for school the WHOLE week. let the youngest 4 year old go to bed a 7:30/8pm and then let the 10/11 year olds go to bed at 9pm.



i liked how the guy above me wrote ben franklin's quote: "early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."



i completely agree with that quote. but let the kids have a little fun on the weekend too. :)

Answer 15

I agree that when children are sharing a room they should all go to bed at the same time. Unless there is a large age difference. I would never expect my 11 year old to go to bed at the same time as my 17 month old. But in your case if they are all going to bed at 8 pm that seems resonable to me. My 11 year old goes to be at 9 but that is only because she doesn't have to wake up until 7:45am. Children need 10-12 hours of sleep a night in order to function properly. Also bedtime should never be extended even on the weekends and they should not be allowed to sleep in more than one hour. Now the one thing is what time do they go to bed at home. If you are putting them to bed more than an hour earlier than their bedtime at home it could throw off their circadian rhythms. But if not then your house your rules. Mom and Dad should be happy that you are there to give them a night off every week. If a slightly earlier bed time is the only issue they have when the boys are at your house then God bless you!!!

Answer 16

My son is 4 now and he's in bed for 7.30 on weeknights and 9 on weekends.

Answer 17

right i have a lil cuz at the age of 4 and she goes to bed at 8 on a week day and 9 on a weekend



u need to relax a lil bit ure see great results in there behaviour my lil cousin used to be a lil nightmare but since she's gone to bed later

Answer 18

I'm not going to bother reading the rant about your DIL... Considering children that age need a few more hrs of sleep & they need to wake up at 7? for school. 9:00 would be a good time.

Answer 19

If they have a particularly hard time getting up when they are supposed to, and are tired throughout the day, then they're obviously not sleeping long enough.



But honestly, when I was ten, an 8:30 bed time was torture.

Answer 20

Lady, I hate to break this to you but it doesn't take a psychologist to realise that your son was only agreeing with you to shut you the f**k up and get you off the phone so he can enjoy their night out. He seems to be sticking by this "awful" wife. I think you're just jealous because your son is happy and you don't wanna give him up. You say you're religious, yet you are sooo EVIL. I won't even ask you to put yourself in her place because I'm certain you'll say you would never do the things she does.



Guess what?! You're not going to heaven.

Answer 21

My 8 year old goes to bed at 8.30pm.

My 4 year old goes to bed in between 6.30pm-7pm.



As long as they don't have a problem with getting up in the morning, its fine.



Leave your poor DIL alone!

Answer 22

In Jimjams by seven thirty then bed time at eight should be about half pat when you get them in, bit of reading lights definitely out by nine!

Answer 23

7 -8

Answer 24

'blah blah blah my DIL is so evil' please change the record will you?



and yeah i agree with your oldest grandson , whats the fun of being a big kid is you cant stay up a little later than the little ones? i mean come on its friday night , they should get a lie in on saturday.

Answer 25

Depending on the age, No earlier than 7:00pm and no later than 8:30pm on school days. On weekends no earlier than 7:00pm and no later than 8:30/9:00pm.



Good Luck =]

Answer 26

8:00 p.m. A child needs 12-14 hours of sleep to be healthy. Remind your son and daughter-in-law: early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Answer 27

Joan face it your son needs some balls to tell you to back off and leave them to raise their children their own way !

Answer 28

Okay, first of all:



It's a freaking Friday!!! I'm 10, and I go to bed at 11:00 on weeknights, and I get to choose on weekends. Let them stay up till at LEAST 9:30. It's not like they have school or anything.



xoxo

Answer 29

you really need to get over this feud with your daughter in law. really.



when a woman is so disrespectful of the woman her son chose to marry, it reflects so poorly on that woman and the way she was raised.



if she wants to drink while you have the kids, it's no business of yours. hey, maybe your son, seeing that nothing can get through to you, encourages the drinking because you just cannot back off.



and stop referring to them as "my youngest" or "my oldest." they are HER youngest and oldest, not yours. your days of being a parent are over, so get used to it.



really.



i seriously doubt that such a dominating person like you would have appreciated YOUR mother in law nagging you every which way about how to properly raise your kid.



leave it alone.

Answer 30

8:00 to 9:00 no later

Answer 31

Nine if they have school the next day, ten half ten if they don't.

Answer 32

like you said " your house rules". If she has a problem with that, then let her keep her own kids every Friday. She can't run your house and hers too. I'll bet she'll give in if you say then you can't keep the kids anymore. Good Luck!

Answer 33

You really do have a bee in your bonnet about your daughter in law

Answer 34

NOT YOUR KIDS. Leave them alone.

Answer 35

8pm no later