Childcare question - Am I unreasonable to ask my husband to do this?

Question

My daughter's nursery rang me yesterday to tell me my daughter was throwing up and really not well. Straight away I left work and picked her up. On the way to pick her up I called my husband and told him what I was doing. I spent the day with her yesterday while she was throwing up etc. This morning, although she had stopped being sick she hadnt eaten anything the previous day and was still listless and clingy so I told my husband that he would have to stay at home with her as I had appointments I had to cancel yesterday to see to today. He kicked up a fuss saying he was busy at work etc. He said I should have given him the option of staying at home with her yesterday instead of todyay as he was particuarly busy today. I told him that I had called him as soon as I had heard from nursery and he could have volunteered to pick her up but he didnt. That shut him up! The outcome was that as long as she was eating ok and looked well enough, he could drop her at nursery late morning.

Anyway, he dropped her off at nursery after telling me she ate some breakfast and has been playing happily. 30 mins later I get a call from nursery to say she is running a temperature and is upset and wont settle.

I phoned my husband and tell him to go and pick her up and that he shouldnt have taken her to nursery in the first place. He said he was really busy at work and that he thought she was ok.

We both have busy jobs and we are both managers of the companies we work for.

My question is, should I have insisted my husband takes turns looking after our daughter or do you think I should have taken more time off work?

By the way, if my daughter is still too ill to go to nursery tomorrow, it will be my turn to stay at home which I will do without moaning.

My main gripe I think is that whenever one of our kids is ill, he never volunteers to stay home, I always have to tell him to which usually ends up in a row.

Answer 1

Full-time working parents really don't get it easy do they! You find yourself in a position where you have to work to pay the bills etc, yet your first priority is the children, unfortunately many employers do not accept that your children can fall ill and you'll need to spend time away from work with them because 1) they need you and want to get better in their own home rather than with a childminder 2) the childminder refuses to take them if they're ill because they could infect the other children 3) the school won't allow them to attend due to an infectious illness 4) you have nobody else to help out! All the while you're worrying that your employer will raise disciplinaries against you if you take so much time off for your children or otherwise.



Do you think your husband is less than confident at looking after your daughter when she's ill compared to when she's not? I only say this as mine tends to panic and just doesn't know what to do. Unfortunately some men assume that their job is more important than yours, and that you can just drop everything and pick up the pieces a few days later when we all know it doesn't work like that. As you're both in demanding careers you really would think he would have a bit more understanding, I completely agree that he should take just as much responsibility as you when it comes to the care of your child.



The only solution to this should it happen again is that you both firmly agree to taken equal amounts of time off work, no if's no but's and your husband needs to realise that unfortunately you cannot predict when she will be ill so that he can slot it in his diary. Sometimes these things happen with children and it's time he accepted that!



Good Luck x

Answer 2

Yes of course he should have taken the time off today to stay with her. Obviously she was too poorly to go to nursery and you both have busy jobs.



I think it is good that you both take turns and maybe tonight when the children have gone too bed you could have a talk with him (not argue!) and sort this out in case of other times.



I grew up with parents that worked so I know it must be hard. I am lucky enough to be a stay at home mum while my partner works. But if we were desperate for money then I would go back to work in a flash.



Oh and by the way my daughter also has a good holiday once a year, nice clothes and toys as well as days out at zoo, park etc. You do not need to be working to afford things like that, you just need to be able to budget well

Answer 3

First of all, you should not be telling him anything. He does not work for you. Next, you can give yourself a pat on the back for being the only responsible parent. The guy is a jerk for dropping off his daughter at day care and he knew damn well she was sick. He was just hoping he could get away with it. (And that has nothing at all to do with anything. He left his daughter in responsible care and did not cause her any harm, this time. (Don't play the "what if" game. It goes noplace good.)



Now, let's get back to the root of the problem. Both you and your husband are acting like idiots. You say that you both run businesses. Well why not take some of those skills and apply them to your family? Your employees are doing something in a way that is not working. Do you sit around and wonder who is right and who is wrong or do you just fix tha dang problem and get on with business?



Obviously what happened this time did not work. It looks like it is time for a manager's meeting and a bit of brain storming so that a new policy can be drawn up and agreed to.



There seems to be no point in making matters worse than they are by blaming. Get to the bottom line. This is not working, what can we do?



Perhaps there is a third party you can count on? Perhaps you just have to suck it up and actually take turns. Now put it in writing and sign it.so there can be no confusion in the future.

Answer 4

first of all, what's his incapacity? And has his healthcare expert proclaimed him disabled and no longer able to paintings? additionally, is he getting incapacity advantages from State or government? out of your question i'm getting the sensation his incapacity is such the place he can not cope with a new child - substitute diapers etc! Has he lost an arm, leg or whathaveyou? Sorry approximately all MY questions, yet, your employers DO have the final to alter your shifts. It sounds like they have given you some warning, so which you additionally could make the suited ameliorations at homestead! i might advise, ask the childcare you're turning out to be throughout the time of the week, in the event that they could no longer acommodate you on those weekends you ought to paintings! i'm assuming, you will get carry of two days off sometime between Monday and Friday. so - IF it fairly isn't available, why no longer prepare issues around the homestead, so your husband can manage a small infant.- it is basically another weekend. as far as having to coach he's disabled, what approximately different workers with similiar issues? i might attempt to make the terrific of it, as jobs are problematic to locate, and in the event that they enable you bypass, you could finally end up in a worse dilemma! I had 4 toddlers, and had to make many ameliorations while i replaced into working.

Answer 5

Firstly, my opinion is that it is simply reasonable to share the responsibility of looking after a child together. (take note of the keyword, together.) 'Together' implies that is a duty that is to be shared between both spouses, not just either the mother/father of the child.

Secondly, I assume that your daughter is in preschool, am I right? My suggestion is this. If your preschooler is unwell or running a temperature, I suggest that the child is to be taken care of and for safety precaution, keep the child at home for two days. I used to be a preschool teacher and I notice that it is easy for young children to pass their illness to one another.

Thirdly, I feel that it is weird that as spouses, there is a need to discuss who should be taking the child from school. It feels that the child is not a priority because it seems like the child is being placed 2nd place and that 'work' is the main importance.



Raising a child is not an either wife or husband part of the job. Its not a chore. Its a responsibility of a pair of parents.

Answer 6

Unreasonable, no, realistic no.



Does he earn more than you? He may feel that his job is more important & that it's more your job to look after the kids.



Discuss it with him & try to come to a reasonable compromise. You put back your appointments to the next day but did you discuss with your husband if he would be able to look after your kid that day, or ask him if he had important appointments? If he told you he was extra busy that day, maybe you could have worked out a two day rotation or something.



There is always a primary care giver - one parent is usually more hands on than the other - and it's usually the mother. That's just the way it is. In my opinion, (as long as you can afford it) mothers no 1 priority should be to look after their child, not their work being their first priority, regardless of how much the father is or is not involved in the childs upbringing but that's just my opinion.

Answer 7

My husband has never stayed home to take care of sick kids. But then again, they always want mommy anyways.



I agree with some of the replies; it is not unreasonable for one parent (either one) to stay home and it depends on who has what going on. The alternating turns may or may not work on occasions. You need a third, back up plan. Is there a nanny service or anyone you know who could come to your house ot sit when the child is ill? Could either of you work from home?



You will need to have a plan and then a back up because kids will be getting sick for years. And even when they are old enough to stay home alone, they still need the comfort of someone nearby.

Answer 8

If it's happened in the past I don't think he's ever really going to be happy about having to stay home. Especially if he's being told/asked to.



Of course being a woman myself I do not think in any sense that what you are asking is illogical or ludacris in the slightest.



I don't think this is a battle you can win by forcing him to stay him. IF you can sway him, i think the only way is to state your case over a discussion (that doesn't happen to be the same day you've made him stay home from work ;) ).



If you are both truely busy as each other than he should take notice of your actions towards your family and be able to reflect them.

Answer 9

No I dont think you are being unreasonable. I believe that it is both parents responsibility to look after their child and you should take it in turns unless there is a particular reason why one cant do it.



I dont work at the moment so obviously I wouldnt expect my husband to stay home from work but he would be more than happy if for some reason I had to go out and couldnt take her with me.

Answer 10

First off our day care's rules are no throwing up or fever for 24 hours so your lucky your day care took her today after going home yesterday. In our house we take turns too, it should be expected that this is good practice, obviously your both working because you need to be other wise you would be a stay at home mom and he would never have to deal with a sick child. SO since you do work and everyone only has so many sick days or time off, or even flexibility in their work environment, you as parents need to agree that there needs to be an even exchange when children are out sick. You wouldn't want to lose business for your job because you took too much time off, or lose your job in general because they are sick of your sick kids. He needs to step up and realize your a working woman he is a working man, your equals when it comes to the job force, his job is just as important as your job. He needs to be home with the kids every other time, remind him next time you have a sick child.

Answer 11

You are not being unreasonable, in a way I would feel really disappointed then sad if my Husband were to act this way when our child is sick. We work to provide for ourselves, our children, our way of living, for some our children is our purpose of living and the most valuable thing in the world. What is more important to him, his child's well being or work? Work may get busy, there are deadlines, etc. but literally it is something that can wait while a child's health issues or needs cannot.

Answer 12

You have every right to be frustrated/upset. Both parents should share this unpleasant task equally. No one likes it when your child is sick. No one wants to have to shuffle and re-schedule work responsibilities, but it falls equally on both of you.



On another note, being a manager, he should have some authority and be able to "delegate" in such a situation. Things come up. He had yesterday to prepare, and organize and plan for today. I think you made a great/valid point and he should have mad those arrangements and stayed home with her today.

Answer 13

It sounds to me like you and your husband are fighting over who has the biggest career and most important job, and your poor daughter is stuck in the middle. Your child isn't a chore or secondary to your work, she should be the most important thing in both your lives. Your husband clearly isn't that interested in her, (or in you, by the sounds of it) preferring work. You clearly don't want to give up your career to care for her as clients are more important. I wonder why you both had her at all? The poor thing is clingy because of the damage being shoved with strangers every day is doing to her. And clearly she can sense that neither of you really want her.



When I was a kid in the 60s/70s mothers stayed at home with their kids. I wouldn't say that that is 100% healthy for everyone but if your job is more important/lucrative than your husbands, then he should stay home with her. Can't one of you work from home or part time / delegate stuff? Dumping kids in nurseries does them mental harm as they need to bond with a parent not a bunch of strangers. I expect you both earn a lot - I am sure when your child is older she'll tell you that she would have preferred a poor childhood with love rather than a posh nursery and loads of toys. Check out Freud for the psychological stages in a child's development and you will see how important it is to the developing mind to have parental contact as a child - if you can be bothered that is, there might be a client waiting :-(

Answer 14

You and he should DISCUSS and PLAN. As to your job and his job - being busy, and having appointments - doesn't automatically translate into URGENT, or IMPORTANT. Your discussion should involve your commitment to each other, your responsibilities to your child/family, and the true nature of what you are doing at work.



It is conceivable that his work, on these particular days is such that he MUST be there. The same is conceivable of your work. You never know unless you DISCUSS HONESTLY.



Your plan seems to be to take turns: this may or may not be the best, most reasonable plan for your family. (what if taking a day off is benign for one of you and job-threatening for the other?) TALK to him, in advance of the next incident.

Answer 15

honestly i know how difficult it is to have to leave work to stay at home,im a Single Mum and i work fill time and go to university full time so my and boss is not happy if i miss work because my son is sick.

I really think your husband need a reality check,your daughter is both of you responsibility and he needs to understand that.the correct thing for him to do is let go of his job in a hurry and stay with her,just has you did.

try to talk with him and make him understand that your job is just has important has his and that when you both decided to have a child the responsibility's are to be shared.



hope your baby gets better soon.

Answer 16

I cannot understand parent's with high powered jobs having families.

To be honest you both want a good talking too. I cannot understand how selfish you are both being in any circumstance and ask any parent the Child/Children come first.

In my house anyway, if the child is sick one of us stayed at home with the Child preferable me.

You both really are the most selfish self centred people to write such nonsense.

Get a grip either share the task or better still give up your job or you could book holiday time if your child is ill.



UK based infuriated retired Nursery Nurse.

Answer 17

Which job is more important in the family? Which one of you gets caught up easier at work? Maybe one of you should go down to part time for situations like these.

Mothers are more comforting then fathers. Mothers know what to do with a sick child better then fathers. I would also be upset in your situation. But the best way to handle it is to find a solution. Taking off work is a hard thing to do.

Perhaps you two should get a nanny instead who will come to the home.

Answer 18

While I don't think that it's too much to ask for your husband to stay home with your sick child, sometimes when a child is sick they just want their mom. It should comfort you that this is the case. Also... I'd suggest that you sit down with your husband to talk about this for the future - these decisions would be easier if you had a foundational plan to work with. Each of your jobs is obviously important, but sometimes being a working mom means juggling it all.

Answer 19

I feel for your daughter, She is sick and unwell and you are both moaning about who has to say and look after her. If you are both managers surely you can get someone to cover while you make your young child your priority as she should be? And if she was being sick you are supposed to keep your child off for 48hours after the last time they are sick so the bug is not spread to other children. As for your husband he is being selfish but my opinion is that when your child is unwell you drop EVERYTHING to be there to comfort them

Answer 20

1/2 his kid so 1/2 the work is his

my wife & i split it even with our kids when they were sick

Answer 21

Maybe you and your husband should of thought a bit more on the timing of starting a family you cannot have it always. yours.

Answer 22

that's because youre the mom, and we don't have to be 'asked' to do things. i guess there are few dads like this, but it's rare.

Answer 23

Perhaps you should put your daughter first and quit work til she is at proper school. or if you both have jobs hire a nanny ?



ps your hubby sounds unhelpful and selfish !