Tell me honestly. Do you think I am being too mean?

Question

Okay, here's the situation. My husband is deployed (been gone for three weeks) and will probably be gone until Thanksgiving. I have five kids and the oldest is a 15 year old boy. My children are all pretty well behaved so I don't really have too much trouble with them. But lately, my oldest son has taken to calling his younger brothers stupid and dumb. He'll say, "You're so stupid. why do you do......(whatever)"
Now we have never allowed our kids to name-call and we ESPECIALLY do not allowed them to call each other stupid. What on earth makes him think he can start now?!?
I think it has to do with his dad not being here, so he thinks he's a man now. Though I must say even the "man" of our house never calls anyone stupid!
Anyway, I have started a new thing with him. Every single time he calls anyone stupid or dumb, I get his phone for 24 hours. I put it away and turn it off and he doesn't get it back until exactly 24 hours later. The first night, he lost it for three days in the first hour! For the next three days, he never said it again. So I gave him his phone back after three days and he went a week without saying it. Then one day he said it again. I took his phone and this time I told him it was for two days. I gave it back after two days and I told him if he says it again, it will be three days. Do you think I am being too mean? I want it to stop. He loves his phone. He got it for his B-day last March and it is very important to him. But do you think three days is TOO mean, or is it justified?

What do you think?

Answer 1

This is completely consistent with how you have parented your son, not too mean. I think his age has to be a significant factor. Remember when you were a 15 year old. Children typically rebel in a major way at this age, we've all been there. It is a tribute to you as a parent that when he chooses to go wayward as a teenager it is simply calling a sibling "stupid". Most teenagers get into much deeper trouble to finding themselves. Continue your consistent discipline, and I am sure he will return to the way you have raised him and abandon his spree of calling siblings names.

Answer 2

Taking the boy's phone is hardly being mean, and it seems to be working. However there's obviously something eating at him which the punishment is not going to address. He is a teenager after all and that is a dificult age in the best of circumstances. I'm sure he's missing his father, and may feel anxiety over his absence, especially considering he is at war, and he's old enough to realize the possibility that his dad may not return. You should take him aside when he is receptive and have a very personal conversation with him, and ask him what's bothering him. Granted he will probably say nothing and want to leave the room, but be persistent, and probe while assuring him how much you care.Ask him about his dad, and how he feels about that. If his dad has the oportunity to call home, have him talk to your son about how he's feeling about his dad being gone. He's at the age where he needs his father the most and he is probably scared and a little angry about him not being there and doesn't know how to express those feelings in a constructive way.



I hope this helps, most of what i said came from personal experience, from my father not being there, although for him it was by choice.

Answer 3

NO! Three days is NOT at all mean! You need to show him that you are in charge. If you don't make that impression on him he will run roughshod over you. He is obviously acting out because his dad is gone, and he's behaving in an unacceptable manner. My mother is a retired teacher who, ironically, just taught a college class today about classroom management and THIS CONCEPT (taking away something for misbehavior until they learn) is EXACTLY what she taught.



Keep in mind that he is 15, and therefore needs more then what you would do with a 10 year old. I would follow up the loss of phone privileges with a serious sit-down. To teens, having to sit there at the kitchen table while your mom lists all of inappropriate behavior and then asks you what is wrong is torture. He'll hate being in the hot-spot, but if the conversation goes the way you want it to, he'll eventually break down and start having a real conversation with you. Part-lecture, part heart-to-heart - that's what you need.



Good luck!

Answer 4

I think you're going to end up desensitizing him to this punishment, whether you're justified or not. Take it away enough times, frequently enough, and he'll stop caring because it really beats down a kid. At least, that was always my reaction. When i was a child my parents had a similar mindset and the end (extreme) result was complete cutoff from the outside world for almost three years. I was allowed to go to school and that was it. I know that's a lot farther than you're going with this, but trust me, I always had a technical 'out' but the situation got so overbearing that I couldn't deal with it at all. Try combining reprimands for bad behavior with rewards for good behavior - it's less depressing to the child.

Answer 5

You're doing a great job! Don't let anyone tell you different on here. It's very refreshing to hear about mothers like you who actually ACT on their discipline. Taking his phone is a great consequence and since you follow through, it should work...eventually! Your son isn't perfect and he may slip up and say "stupid" once in a while, but be right there, as you have been, to take that phone from him. Kudos to you!



Does he play any video games? That could be next after the phone!

Answer 6

No for a 15 yr old I think that is good, if he Keeps doing it though he obviously isn't learning his lesson, so you need to let him know, if you haven't already that you are going to talk to his father about it too, he is still dad and can be in charge even if he is deployed, (I'm sorry about that too, that would be Really hard) and I think you should also ground him when you take it away. Because eventually if he keeps doing it you have to change up the punishment, make it more severe.

Answer 7

It sounds like the punishment is having some effect on him so keep it up. Just make sure you stick to your 24 hour rule (every time he says it he loses the phone for 24 hours). If you start changing the rules he'll see the inconsistencies as an excuse to try and break the rules even more.

Answer 8

Im around your sons age, and i think three is a little overdone. honestly, i dont think its his father being away. it could just be the school. most kids at school call each other stupid.

i mean, it COULD be the father being away. was the father more strict and made the rules? maybe hes taking advantage of you, thinking "its much easier to get away with my mom". if this seems to be the case, try another punishment. if he's a social kid, tell him he cant hang with his gf/bffs for a certain amount of time, and keep extending the time each time he calls his siblings stupid.



its tough being a mom. gl, and i hope this helps!

Answer 9

I'm the same age and at first I would think that it was pretty stupid. But I think that could be good for him. I know how much he loves his phone and it could just work. But also let him know why you don't want him saying those. For example other people don't like it, it's rude, it's usually not attractive for a guy! Good luck!



p.s. maybe also give him rewards for not using them...like if he doesn't use it all week then he gets to go to a sports game or something. I dunno...what ever works for him.

Answer 10

It sounds like a fair punishment to me. As the mother of a 17 yr old I completely understand how hard it is to find the right way to get your point across. My son also loses his phone from time to time. If you son is going days with out calling names then it is working.



Sounds like you are doing a great job raising a man.



Blessings.

Answer 11

I don't think you are being mean. Your job as a parent is to set rules and stick to them. I have learned with my two children if they do it once it is a verbal warning after that something of theirs gets taken away as punishment. I don't think you are being mean, I think it is the right thing to do. It teaches them to obey the rules if not this is what happens. I hope this helps but don't second guess yourself or the choices you make.

Answer 12

hey its me dawn r i think that is a great idea, its hard to disapline teens most of all i think boys. teens do love their phones and that is a good one. you are so right about a name calling is a name calling, i would feel just as bad being called stupid as i would bi**h. i hope all goes well, it must be difficult at times being a "single mom" for awhile i wish you the best of luck. oh ya i am sure your son thinks he is the man of the house now, i think teens think it makes them look mature when they smoke, say bad words ect... i know it happens but it doesnt make it right

Answer 13

LoVEME is right. For goodness sakes, we're talking about a fifteen year old here! You're not just overreacting, you're assuming powers that neither you nor any other parent of a teenager is entitled to!

If I were him I'd have only one thing to say when to you: Who the [fill in the blank] do you think you are?

Answer 14

I don't think you are being too mean. I have a 15 year old too, and thank you for the great idea, because she does the same thing. I am constantly telling her not to call the younger ones stupid or moron, that no one called her names when she was little, but it hasn't been working. Keep up the good work.

Answer 15

i don't think your being to mean at all... i think your completely right and i would do the same thing. that's the kind of thing my parents did to me. (although we never had cells phones or anything else like that.... on time i got grounded for an entire year for talking back... no phone, tv comp. etc... and they stuck to it..) (I'm 22) and i would say I'm very respectable, have good morals and a head on my shoulder.... i also have my own business....stick with what youre doing, and if he contiues they same way, take something else away as well...

Answer 16

I do not think that it is mean. He is old enough to know what the consequences are for saying words that he is not supposed to say . Being 15 years he has no "need" for a phone, so to take away a privilege seems perfectly fine and necessary to me.

Answer 17

No, not mean at all. In fact, things like that is what most people do.



I understand he is acting out because his dad isnt there. That is a normal response. But that doesnt mean you can let it continue. You cannot let yourself feel guilty just because dad isnt home. Thats how people end up with out of control kids... parents who are afraid of being too mean, or feel guilty over something and try to make it up by letting things slide.

Answer 18

i think that is very fair, u started with just 1 day and he obviously is not listening, so it is time to up the game!

3 days is fine, and if he still doesnt listen take it for a week, if he knows all he has to do is be ok for 3 days and he gets his phone back he will do it all the time

dont feel bad!

u need to control ur children how u see fit and no one can tell u that its wrong, we all have different ways of raising children, and ur method seems ok to me!!

good luck and i hope ur husband comes back to you and ur family soon!

Answer 19

I don't think you are being to harsh. I think it is perfectly justified. Kids need boundaries and rules and they need consequences when they don't follow them. If taking away the phone works, stick with it. He's got to learn his place. He's got to learn to not say those things, especially to his siblings. We are especially adamant on that here. We are trying to teach our kids that their siblings are the most important friends in their lives and they need to build good strong relationships with them. Siblings are around forever, while friends come and go.

Answer 20

No way are you too mean. I'd do worse myself.



He loves his phone which is exactly why you are right--it's hurts to lose it. You love respect in your home. You win.



After a couple more times of 3 days, tell him, next time it's a week. The threat of punishment he knows you will enforce is sometimes enough.



Whatever you do, don't back down. He'll lose respect for you. It's his choice to lose it, not yours.\



BRAVO MOM!!!

Answer 21

Justified! Calling names is awful. He's the man of the house now and needs to set the example! Well done!

Answer 22

Sounds like the perfect punishment for the crime. Seems like its starting to work too. You said he didn't do it for a week after the first time. That's an improvement!

Answer 23

Bravo, mom, way to go!! Nope, he knows the rule - he's got to live with the consequences. He wants to act like a man? Stop calling others names. I think you're doing great!

Answer 24

No I dont think you are being to mean. Just dont cut off all means of comunication, maybe you could try something else that he is interested in if he continues to misbehave. maybe switch to the computer instead of his phone or something like that.



Dont "ground" him though, telling him he can't see his friends at all because of a slip of the tounge would be a little to harsh

Answer 25

your right,great idea by the way.its reasonable enough,I'm like that i usually take away something my children love for a while then when they behave they get it back,its better than slapping the children.good for you.your not being mean just a very loving caring mother.;-)



ps:looking after 5 children can be tough so i applaud you so much,you should be very very proud of yourself.x

Answer 26

Calling someone stupid is not the end of the world. Depends on his tone of voice and how he's using the word. Maybe he's using the word as a common everyday word and not in a mean tone. I'm not there listening to it, you are.



If he was using a word worse than stupid, then maybe. But if it's working for your son, so be it.

Answer 27

I think its justified but its not really working. If it was working, then after the first time he wouldn't have done it again. You need to find something else to take or ground him.

Answer 28

no not at all. you set rules, and he must follow them, if not, there must be consequences, and if he STILL cant follow them, then the consequences need to be increased, as you are doing.



what my mom would have done (had i had a phone at this age of course), she would first have taken it away, but left it on, and if someone called, she would make sure i was standing nearby when she answered it in some humiliating way...

Answer 29

no you're not being mean. he's not working or need the phone for any particular reason, except socializing with his friends. so you're taking away a commodity not a need. you'd be mean if you took away his dinner! you're a good mom - we need more like you these days, and our society would be a better place!

Answer 30

Calling younger ones stupid when they look up to sib is serrious as well as taking phone sit down ask if he loves ??? then ask if he wants ??? to grow up believing the lie that his bro. told him. call on his hummanity then do whatever it takes to make it stick.

My sis drove me to annerexia as a teen I was 5" and 86 lbs my sister called me fat and I almost died getting skinny enough for her trust me sticks and stones will bend and break the bones but words will scar the soul!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 31

I don't think that is mean at all. Maybe you need to have a talk with him about it, (the name calling) . Maybe he is angry about something, and he is using this as an outlet. hope all works out for you, you sound like a good mom. good luck and thank you to your husband and your family for your service to America.

Answer 32

no i dont think it is mean. i think if he says that then he should be taught his lesson. maybe 3 days is too long. but just take it away for a day then give it back then if he says it again take it away for another day. then eventually he should stop saying it and then you wont have to take his phone away any more.... i hope i helped.xxx

Answer 33

Your not being too mean, if it works, then use it. He has proven that it is his choice when he calls his brothers and sisters names when he does not do it when his phone is taken away.

Answer 34

I think it's justified, you're teaching him that being a man is treating others with respect...not name-calling. It's definitely not too harsh a punishment! Very fair.

Answer 35

I think this is very fair. If I did this more then twice I would lose my phone permanetly (except I dont have a phone. lol...) and my mom would ground me.

Answer 36

NO not at all. That is the best thing to do IMO is take away something that is important to him. I think he is just becoming a rebellious teeneage. I wouldn't worry much about it, but no you are not being to mean at all.

Answer 37

Very much justified. I think you found a punishment fit for the crime.

Answer 38

TOTALLY JUSTIFIED! Dont feel bad by doing this! This is the best way to let him know you are serious by taking away his fav thing! I totally support you!!!

Answer 39

I think that this is a very debatable situation.

The boy clearly misses his father..

and he need something to do in the meantime.

I truthfully think that what your doing is perfectly okay.

so keep it up (:

Answer 40

I think it is justified. He is old enough to stop himself from saying it. And I have made it clear to my kids we do not talk to people that way especially your siblings, period.

Answer 41

I would wash his mouth out with soap every time he called his brother that.

Answer 42

i think this is a wonderfull way to show your children that name calling is bad and coneecting it with a punishment that hurts somewhat

\this methood your trying will work

you are not being mean at all !

Answer 43

OMG, you are being so nice! How else should you correct this behavior? If telling him doesn't help, then you need to take something away so he can feel the pain.



BTW, KUDOS to you for not resorting to hitting your child.

Answer 44

Justified.

Answer 45

no i don't think it is mean!! I think it is great!! There are to many kids who run the house... the parent is in charge - good for you!! keep it up!

Answer 46

no, you have it right on target. ma'am. he will learn. he will second guess himself eventually when he goes to call someone stupid. it will work out. hope i helped. and thakyou for the 2 points!

Answer 47

No it is justified having a cell is a privilege that can be revoked.

Answer 48

praise the good, punish the bad - even if he is 15 he'll like to feel appreciated and should have learnt by now - rats learn faster than teenage boys though!!!! good luck, keep at it.

Answer 49

I do not think you are being too mean. I think you are being a good parent!

Answer 50

i think you are doing the right thing

Answer 51

too mean

Answer 52

its justified

and if its working i would keep on doing it

Answer 53

you've gotta do what you've gotta do

Answer 54

I think you are doing the right thing.

but I say first give him a warning

Answer 55

I am not a parent, but maybe try rewarding him for not name calling.

Answer 56

I think you should kill him.

Really, after all you got 4 others that might turn out ok