Question:
If you discount advice from non parents,?
Star is a chick
2011-09-23 11:40:48 UTC
When does their advice count? Upon conception? Birth? When the baby is a few weeks old? When their children are grown adults?

I'm just trying to understand the defining line of when a person becomes a parent whose advice matters.

What if the person is a parent who has lost custody of their children due to physically abusing them? Or a drug addict who neglects all of her children's needs? Does their advice still count, because they are a parent?
Twelve answers:
Momma Yoga
2011-09-23 11:48:56 UTC
Advice begins to count when people have experience with children. Wait, everyone has been a child, most people I know went to school with other children... so I guess I don't discount anyone's advice based on small criteria.
Just tryin' to help
2011-09-23 19:24:50 UTC
I don't discount advice from non-parents...I just take into account that their advice comes from the 'outside.'



A few years ago, I was in your position - I felt more of a mother to a child than the actual mother. Why? I watched the girl at least six days per week, from 9a - whenever the parents go home (generally after midnight). After having my own child, I *still* think I was more of a mother to this child than her own mother. However I can now also see that in all actuality I knew NOTHING about "real" parenting. It's a whole different ball game when you ARE the parent. I have no idea why.



And I also don't believe you're a parent when you're pregnant. I needed medical intervention to get pregnant so I was in "mom" mode for about a year before I conceived. I still wasn't a parent until I gave birth to my little girl. (She was born DAYS after mother's day - I didn't celebrate because I wasn't a mom.)
bleuroze
2011-09-23 18:54:40 UTC
Anytime an individual has dealt with something and tried something that worked, or has witnessed a method work, their advice could be valuable.



Of course, taking any and all advice from anybody, experienced or otherwise, is completely optional.



For example, my mother in law successfully raised 6 children and is now raising 4 grandchildren. My mom successfully raised two children. Any advice from either of them is appreciated, but I am free to decide whether their methods work for me or not. Anybody who has had or babysat or helped with kids will have used different methods and may want to impart what did and did not work.



I took all the advice I could get, including the book "it worked for me" from parents magazine. A lot of the advice was conflicting and I still figured a lot out myself. Just listen to all the advice given and decide whether it would work for you and/or your kids.
anonymous
2011-09-23 18:58:15 UTC
I'll take advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation (ie. a parent with a child the same age or older than mine). Barring that, I'll also accept advice from someone who has observed what they're telling me (ie. their parents used it for them/their siblings) or also from non-parents who work with young children. If a non-parent who has worked for several years in a daycare gave me a suggestion on how to get my daughter to eat green beans, let's say, I'd say that counts. I would also NOT accept advice from a parent who I don't think can give me any worthwhile advice (ie. one who had never actually raised a child).
Snowbarbie
2011-09-23 18:45:36 UTC
It depends upon the context of the advice - even if someone had never had children, they are qualified to say "Hey, your child should be in a car seat".



Even if a person had their kids taken away because of neglect, they could still give you valid advice because they learned from their experience.



I have found in my 35 years of being a mother, to listen to advice, smile sweetly, say thank you and then decide whether I am going to take that advice or not.



Just because you listen to advice, doesn't mean you have to take it.
Michael Sigl
2011-09-23 18:47:29 UTC
Any advice from an outside source should just be taken into consideration just because they suggest it does not mean that you have to follow it. And besides having someone give you non biased advice is always helpful even if its just to show you what not to do.
anonymous
2011-09-23 21:24:08 UTC
You take this board too damn seriously for a teen.



Go do teen things and live some life. Get over the fact that everyone in the world doesn’t want your advice. Booohooo.
Mom2Max
2011-09-23 19:16:25 UTC
Star - I like you, and think you do offer good advice, but anytime this 'not a parent' thing comes up you flip out. Quit taking it to heart.
Star
2011-09-23 19:14:57 UTC
I can scarcely remember when I did NOT have children. I just cannot imagine not having children. So when a person tries to give me advice, or tell me how experienced they are with children or teenagers, AND THEY ARE NOT A PARENT, it makes NO SENSE to me. You cannot possibly understand something you have not lived and experienced.

As far as birth, that is an entire experience in itself. Carrying the child. Fathering a child. The birth. Watching a baby grow. Their first step, their first word. There's NOTHING like it. With every year, every week, every day of your child growing, it brings a new experience, a new milestone, and sometimes a new heartache.

The teenage years are rough for both the teenager, and for the parent. Sometimes the child struggles, and they have a few bumps in the road. My oldest did. I experienced a terrible thing where my son was actually sent away for three months when he was 17 years old. EIGHT HOURS AWAY. Every Sunday I would wake up at 2am to drive clear across the state to visit with him for ONE HOUR. I was not permitted to touch him. To hug him. To comfort him. We sat across each other from a table, with a guard watching. For those three months I thought I would die. Now a person who was never a parent cannot possibly feel, or even comprehend what that does to a mother. The pain was unbearable, and a non-parent simply cannot identify. There is no other love as strong as the love of one's children. It is non-judgemental, unconditional, and everlasting. You cannot take advice from someone who never had children of their own. Never felt their feet kicking inside of them, never watched their wife's intestines being removed to the side, and being placed on the operating table during a C-section, and watching your son be lifted out and placed on your wife's chest. You just cannot. The best advice I ever received was from a 70 yr. old mother I worked with.

The same son used to dress crazy, and I was very embarrassed of him. One day he came to the office I worked at with his friend to ask for some money. I acted very cold to him, and practically pushed them out the door. After they left, this woman came to me and asked me what I was doing. She said I had obviously treated my son very coldly. Her son worked at the same office with us, and was in his 40's.

They both had a good talk with me.

Her son said to me "don't you think I drove my mother nuts with the way I dressed?". And the mother told me to never do that to my son. That I treated him poorly because I was afraid it was a reflection upon me. Little did I know was that what WAS reflecting on me was the terrible way I treated my son. He is nearly 28 years old now, and of course no longer dresses that way. It was only a temporary phase. He was just being a kid. Expressing himself. I never forgot what she said, and from that day on, never judged my son for the way he dressed again, nor commented on it. That was HIS thing. Not mine.

So in answer to your question, an older mother, with grown kids is the best one to get advice from, and definitely not a person who was never a parent. They do not have a CLUE.
desmeran
2011-09-23 18:45:33 UTC
lol, that sounds so much like a question i would have asked that it's actually scary.



except that in this case i don't think it's about logic at all, but about some vague sense of "i'm better than you because i'm a parent and you're not." it's so much easier to assert superiority based on status than based on sense.
?
2011-09-23 18:45:18 UTC
Yes we get it, it's ignorant to do so.



Get over it. They don't have a reason, they just feel like it.



Same for religion, parenting, same they feel about gays and politics.



There is no rational behind it, just belief.
pdooma
2011-09-23 18:44:45 UTC
"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is." - Yogi Berra


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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