Do you have to ask your SO for help?

Question

I was at work complaining that I have to constantly ask my husband to help me. This guy here said, "It's in our DNA not to ask, Men don't ask other men for help because it would be offensive"

To me, if you see me putting the kids in the bath, you should help. I'm annoyed with the constant asking... Do you have to ask?

DISCLAIMER: I love my husband dearly.

Answer 1

One thing I learned in marriage counseling is if I'm going to wait for him to offer or just do it on his own I'm going to be waiting a long time. My problem was that I wanted him to help on his own because I felt that would show he cared. When he sits there and does nothing unless I ask it made me feel he didn't care. What I learned is that most men just don't think of it and they also don't know what we want them to do. I couldn't expect him to be a mind reader. I learned that he was more than willing to help I just needed to tell him what I wanted help with.



So I started asking without feeling the resentment for having to ask and I noticed the more I asked the more he started doing it on his own. Now after almost 15 years of marriage he is much better and in fact he is constantly driving me nuts with "is there anything I can do to help?" and I am like, yea get out of my way! LOL

Answer 2

I have been married almost twenty-five years and our oldest is almost thirteen. I have had to ask for every bit of help, both before and after children. He can be sitting in the front yard and see me pull up with a load of groceries, and if I don't ask, he'll sit there with the dog and watch me do everything. When our children were little, he would wake up, see me running back and forth cleaning up vomit, getting soiled laundry in the washer, and holding back hair, and roll over and go back to sleep. It doesn't help that we are both strong willed people who like to believe we can do everything. Over the years, I've had to learn to ask him to help and then had to relearn the skill after he'd been deployed most of the last few years he was in service.



I can honestly say that after twenty plus years together, he's not going to change. Since I know he's a keeper and I have no intention of parting ways, I'll just keep asking when I need a hand.

Answer 3

no.



I am really blessed with a very helpful husband. That is how he is raised. He was taught to help out around the house very early on. He also was taught how to cook, clean, sew, knit & many other things. He was the one who taught me how to do laundry, cook & do other things my mom should have taught me.



I doubt it is in the DNA. I think it is more on the way the child is raised. My husband has a younger brother who was adopted when he was 3. By the time he was old enough to help out around the house he was sent out to play and just never learned. He is now married and he joked how his wife had to teach him how to do things around the home.



My sister married a man who was an only child. Spoiled and never had to lift a finger. So she complains a lot. She often lets the trash pile up and stink so he will get the idea to TAKE IT OUT.



At times I ask for his help on certain things, but usually he just pitches right in. I was cooking supper last night when he came home. After reading the mail he stood next to me and helped me cook.



I'm making the point of teaching my own son to pitch in too. Not just the girls. He is the youngest and his middle sister often is talked into doing things for him. lol But I pretty make sure he helps fold laundry, empty trash and scrub counters. When he gets married or even living on his own I want him to be able to do it. Also I don't want him to be ashamed for helping around the house.

Answer 4

Sometimes i have to ask, but more often than not...he offers.



The times when i have to ask are the times when he's just sitting around. It's his thinking that i'll ask if i need help and if i don't ask...i must have it handled. Which makes perfect sense to me actually.



But when i've been on my own for a while, for example while he's working or when he goes into work out and then comes out he'll ask if there's anything i need help with.





You know, i don't much mind having to ask for help. I mean, nobody's a mind reader. They don't know if you want help or if you're struggling with something. It doesn't take much for me to say, "Hey hon...can you come unload the dishwasher quick?" or "Can you come grab Rylan and keep him occupied, he's all over the place in here and i'm afraid i'm going to step where i shouldn't."

Answer 5

Just going by your example - I can't imagine why you'd need help with bathing a child(ren).

If you have done it in the past without help, how is he supposed to know you want help. Men are funny. You have to ask otherwise you won't get it. They aren't mind readers. If you are tired of asking, sit him down and make a list of situations where you need help.

Answer 6

Its on a guys dna to be totally oblovious to their wives needing help lol. Yes there are a loite of times I need to ask my husband for help...it gets annoying but I think its really something alll guys do lol

Answer 7

I also, am CRAZY about my hubby. But I also have to ask for help. And sometimes it is just because he doesn't realize that I need his help. And I am sure there are times when he needs it, and I don't notice it. But after we had our second, and the work load got not twice as hard, but 4 times as harder it seemed, I talked to him about it because I was tired of being the middle of cooking, my son needing me in the bathroom, and the baby crying, and him not doing anything to help. I said if you notice that I am busy and this happens, just chip in! I would do it for you! Make it so you aren't making him sound lazy, just that you would reall appreciate his help, without having to say HELLO??? Lol!! Been there!!

Answer 8

My husband isnt a mind reader. Sometimes he thinks to offer, other times, he thinks I've got things handled, and he's usually correct. If I need help, I'll ask, otherwise, leave me alone. Same goes for him. If he needs my help, he'll ask, and I'm happy to pitch in, soon as I know what he needs.

Answer 9

I do ask him to help but he always does it. It is not so much as asking but us deciding who is going to do what to get the nights chores done. For example: if i am bathing our son, he will do the dishes.

Answer 10

Sometimes. When it comes to my daughter he's very helpful and I almost never have to ask him. But, when it comes to laundry or anything like that - a reminder or two is needed!

Answer 11

Yes, I do ask my husband for help. He is my moral support and I am his. We ask each other for help, not just when it comes to our son, but when we both need it for each other.

Answer 12

yes I always have to ask... he never jumps right in. Its the way they are programed! Sometimes I snap "will you come here and help me with the kids please!" His response "Yeah, but you don't have to be bitchy about it!"

welllllll maybe I wouldn't be but I am pregnant wrestling a 2yr old and 4yr old to bed while you are playing your music HELLOOO



I love him to death though and always will <3

Answer 13

We usually offer to help each other.

Sometimes I have to ask, but really only if I'm in another room with our son.

Answer 14

He doesn't offer to help, he just jumps in.



We both pick up the slack around here, it's just how we've always done things.

Answer 15

Nope. And I'd tear his head off if it ever got to that point.

Answer 16

No you may as well figure it out - you MUST ask.....otherwise they just don't get it