Are there ugly effects in attachment parenting?

Question

I practice attachment parenting with my 16 month old. We live in an apartment, so we were never able to practice the crying out method. We do not co-sleep with her, I carry her in a sling sometimes, but on walks, we put her in her stroller. I breastfeed her here and there. Her doctor said she will naturally ween herself off, and she has started to. When she has her fits of demanding something, I let her cry a little, and she soon stops.

My question, my parents' generation did not practice this..they believed in letting the baby cry it out. I am a triplet, and did not get the attention most babies get; but I was still attached to my mom. I remember crying at preschool and in grade school because my mom left me. My mom did not practice the method I am, and she still had some ugly effects. Doesn't the baby's disposition make a difference in attachment later in life? Coping is always different for each kid, my siblings were not as attach to my mom as I..and now, 20+ years later, they are more attach to her, and I'm independent. What method is best? And why is attachment parenting criticized and the crying out method glorified?

Answer 1

One isn't generally "better" than the other. THe method that is best is the one that matches the philosophies, beliefs, values and lifestyle of each individual family.



"And why is attachment parenting criticized and the crying out method glorified?"

I ask myself the same question on a daily basis. The only thing I can figure is that parents of today still subscribe to the odd societal beliefs that if left to cry alone, they will somehow learn something - either to self-soothe, STTN, not be hungry anymore, not want mommy or daddy, not be afraid...etc.etc. How a child learns these things while being left to their own devices in a dark room I have no idea.



And yes, child temperament is a huge factor. I have two girls, one is 5 and one is almost 3. My 3 year old is, and always has been, hugely attached to me. As a baby, I couldn't even leave her with Daddy. As an almost 3 year old, we still sleep together many nights. My oldest STTN by herself at 6 months, with no help from me. We did nothing different.



EDIT - One further comment. As far as "ugly" effects of one style or the other. It seems like the age-old arguments that "I was spanked as a kid and I turned out just fine" or "I drank cows milk from birth and am healthy as a horse". Sure, that may be true some of the time. But many people who were not spanked or were breastfed turned out just fine too. It depends on alot of other factors.

Answer 2

Apparently you end up on magazine covers....I would consider that an "ugly effect".:o)



There have always been many different ways of raising children, which is good, because no one method works for everyone.



I did some of the things that are called "attachment parenting", but nobody called it that, because the term did not exist at the time. Sometimes I also let my kids cry....one of them seemed to need to cry for a few minutes to relieve stress before he could sleep.



It would be hard to separate the "effects" from personality, as each child is different. There are no guarantees that you and your siblings would not be the same if your mom had done things differently.



Parenting just goes through fads, just like everything else. Do what makes sense to you, and ignore the rest.

Answer 3

There is no right answer. It depends on the circumstances of the parents, on the child, on many different things. For my family, baby wearing and breastfeeding were easier on me most of the time. Occasionally, my son prefered to play by himself, so I let him. Even though that would only last about 20-30 minutes, it gave me time for a quick shower or to do some cleaning without him. We didn't co-sleep because I couldn't sleep if he were in the room -- I was too busy listening to him breathe. We put him in his own crib at night in a separate room. I even turned the baby monitor off so that when he woke up, fussed a bit and then settled back down to sleep, it wouldn't wake me, but if he cried, I would hear him.



My mother did not breastfeed or cosleep or carry her babies any more than necessary. We all love her because she is a very good mother. There's a lot more to mothering than taking care of an infant and the hard part is in your future.



Just do the best you can. That's all any of us can do. There are no absolutes when it comes to raising children.

Answer 4

I doubt anyone has actually condoned "cry it out" for small babies in a long time. But reality says eventually the child needs to go to bed without crying or argueing.....and while attachment parenting is a good thing ........to a point...it can go on and on too long. Children need to learn that you will go away and you will come back, they need to learn they can go away and you will be there waiting for them to come back. You cant raise them in a vacuum.



Certainly the childs disposition and the method of parenting will make a difference. A timid child is more likely to be upset by Mom leaving them at school where a confident child will go off to play. One of the reasons for timidity in children is lack of proper exposure to others......so don't hold your little ones too close.......yet not to far.



Which method is best - the one that works best for you. Only you know what works for your child and you!!

Answer 5

The cry it out method is nothing other than selfish parenting. Parents who don't want to be at their newborn's beck and call decide to let them cry it out and pretend it's for their own good, when in reality they just don't want to have to tend to the baby in the way that they should. I have seen detrimental effects of letting babies cry it out. It's a cruel method no matter what anyone else says.



As for what you are doing, the attachment parenting, keep it up. There are no cons in loving and attending to your baby. You can't spoil your baby with love and affection, it's literally impossible. You can only spoil them with lack of discipline and excessive material things. Keep doing what you are doing, you are reassuring your baby that you love them and will always be there for them.



Not practicing attachment parenting doesn't mean your child won't be attached to you and love you. You'd be amazed at the crap that parents can do to their children and their children still love them back. It's just that the great bond a mother has with her child when she does not practice attachment parenting, could have been even more phenomenal had she done attachment parenting. It's not the only source of bonding, it's just a great source of enhancing the bond.

Answer 6

I'm not sure about attachment parenting, but I've created my own parenting style that works very well- Having a somewhat close relationship with your kids and not letting them become socially inept, but demanding only the best grades. My two high school-aged kids (15 year old boy and 17 year old daughter) are both #1 in class ranking, while my son is the only sophomore on the school's varsity football team and my daughter is head cheerleader and prom queen (sorry, had to brag there).

Answer 7

It's actually only a 5 -7% chance. So it's pretty low. But u can even get blood tests now to check those things first. Abotion is a terrible thing. My parents r bro and sis and I turned out great. So if u do finally hook up it would probably be ok. :) I'm here if u want 2 talk.

Answer 8

I wont say that your way is wrong.. its just different to my own way and that is okay, if that is what you feel works best for you and your child then go ahead and do it :)



I let my daughter cry it out after she wouldnt sleep until 4am atleast!!! I was a wreck! we would have to take her in the car or on midnight walks (we lived in a village so it was safe) to get her to sleep.. the cry it out method saved our lives! she cried for ages the first night. the second night she cried for half the time and the third night she barely cried at all.... however I did co-sleep, walk with her in a sling, breast fed on demand and we have an amazing bond I think that the closeness we had when she was a baby helped that a lot

Answer 9

My parenting style consisted somewhere in the middle with my daughter. I have always been confused by the "attachment parenting" vs "crying it out." I just don't understand how you can stick to one parenting style. My daughter has responded differently to every different situation, where I would have to change around my game plan lol.



So, to answer your question, I don't think there are ugly effects. You just have to do whatever works for you and your child.

Answer 10

Attachment parenting:

Baby wearing

Cosleeping

Breastfeeding (often extended breastfeeding)



None of which are new ideas. Infact, things society has done since the beginning of time. You should really wondering WHY our grandparents generation has been moving backwards.



Baby wearing: comforting for baby, eases baby stress, hands free for mom/dad, skin to skin promotes breast milk production



Co sleeping: natural, humans are the only mammal who don't sleep with their babies, hearing moms breathing/smell/warmth reduces the risk of SIDS, the skin to skin helps promote breast milk production, it's a bonding experience, it promotes healthy breastfeeding habits, it promotes healthy sleeping habits.



Breastfeeding: well, it's best for baby, plain and simple.



Letting your baby cry it out can increase unhealthy amounts of stress and adrenaline hormones, and once baby finallys gives up from exhaustion, it increases the risk of SIDS. Likewise, NOT letting baby cry it out, allows baby to grow independently on their own terms, and Reduces separation anxiety when the child gets older



So what's the ugly side? I'm not sure. I sure haven't seen one.



Oh, I should add, attachment parenting also encourages postive reinforcement and 'gentle' punishment over discipline like spanking. I suppose that could be your only 'ugly' side of attachment parenting as parenting is subjective and what works for one child may not work for another. Still, not spanking your child is a far cry for what I would call an 'ugly side efftect'

Answer 11

I wouldn't consider what you have described as attachment parenting.

Attachment parenting usually means co sleeping long past the baby stage as well as extended breastfeeding. Attachment parenting in that sense is very damaging to the child's emotional growth and well being.

Crying it out can be good to a degree but your baby still needs to be comforted by you or you will end up with a child who is emotionally stunted. There is a happy medium in there and it sounds like you have found it. Parenting is 99% about finding what works best for you and your baby.

Answer 12

You have to do what works with your child. If your kid is screaming half the night even when you co-sleep and respond immediately to every cry, then maybe you need to try another approach. Again, it depends on you and your personality and your individual child. Obviously, you know first-hand that the same style of parenting doesn't have the same effect on every child. I can make the same argument *against* attachment parenting - my mom did it with me (of course it wasn't called that then) and I can remember crying when she dropped me off at school too. Every child is different.

Answer 13

Most of the ill effects of attachment parenting are on the parents. For one thing, it's not possible to do if both parents work. The child could turn out clingy or spoiled but it's not like you're ruining their life by doing attachment parenting. It doesn't sound like you are doing it in the extreme though. If you ever read some of those books your eyes will pop out of your head at how much they want parents to bend over backwards. If you don't have kids and read those books you will run to get sterilized. Kids will be attached to their parents no matter what in the vast majority of cases. Even children of abusers are still attached to their parents. The idea that your kids won't have anything to do with you because you let them cry it out or you didn't let them cry it out or you breastfed or didn't breastfeed is just ridiculous.

Answer 14

My daughter just turned 5 this week and she has always slept in the bed with us. I carried her everywhere as an infant. I never, ever let her cry it out. I always made sure that her needs were met and she was content. I have also never had to resort to spanking or screaming or really any type of punishment. On her first day of preschool, after being home with me for 4 and a half years, I took her to her classroom and I barely got a wave goodbye from her. She has never cried once when being dropped off at school. We have always talked with her about being polite to others and making good decisions, rather than punishing. Now she is sweet and polite, she loves to play by herself, she loves to do things for herself. I feel that when you are always there for them and attending to their needs during the early years, it makes them grow up feeling secure about themselves and not needy, scared individuals.

Answer 15

I think attachment parenting makes more sense. People argue that it makes the child totally dependant on the parent, that they never learn to self soothe, etc. I think it's exactly the opposite and that children learn to be independent from consistently feeling secure in whatever environment and/or situation they find themselves in. I don't really believe that a baby left to cry learns to self soothe anyhow, I think they become exhausted and hopeless and fall asleep.

Answer 16

I can only tell you what I have seen but please do not take this as a correct answer.



I've known parents who have done attachment parenting and their children grow up in a wonderful adults. Yet I have also seen the negative side of it.



I grew up in a family bed which is common in attachment parenting. Or just a crib next to the parents bed. I honestly feel my sleep problems are due to this. By age 10 my parents kicked me out of their bed. It was very troubling and confusing for me. I didn't understand why. I spent most my life sleeping in their bed then they suddenly expected to sleep in my own bed.



My sister even at the age of 18 would crawl into my parents king size bed (two beds put together) after our dad left for work around 5am. She said she slept better with our mom.



I did kind of attatchment parenting with first child. She even slept on me for naps. So for 2-4hrs in the afternoon I'd be stuck on the sofa unable to move.



I've seen older kids who were brought up with attachment parenting ordering their parents around and the parents jump to do what they were told. Some were also spoiled.



Yet like I said please do not take my answer as correct. This is only what I have seen.



While we didn't do attachment parenting my kids were very attached to me when they were little. I use to sit all 3 of them down on the floor while I took a shower. I had to peek out now & then to stop the crying. lol



Not doing attachment parenting doesn't mean you ignore or don't love your child.

Answer 17

Strenuous and Demanding on Parents. One criticism of attachment parenting is that it can be very strenuous and demanding on parents. Without a support network of helpful friends or family, the work of parenting can be difficult. Writer Judith Warner contends that a “culture of total motherhood”, which she blames in part on attachment parenting, has led to an “age of anxiety” for mothers in modern American society.[10] Sociologist Sharon Hays argues that the "ideology of intensive mothering" imposes unrealistic obligations and perpetuates a "double shift" life for working women.[11]

Not Supported by Conclusive Research. Another criticism is that there is no conclusive or convincing body of research that shows this labor-intensive approach to be in any way superior to what attachment parents term "mainstream parenting" in the long run.[12]

Co-Sleeping. The American Academy of Pediatrics's policy SIDS prevention opposes bed-sharing with infants (though it does encourage room-sharing).[13] The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission also warns against co-sleeping.[14] Attachment Parenting International issued a response which stated that the data referenced in the Consumer Product Safety Commission statement was unreliable, and that co-sponsors of the campaign had created a conflict of interest.[15]

Non-DSM Definition of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Attachment Parenting International (API) utilizes an attachment therapy resource (Peachtree Attachment Resources)[16] to define reactive attachment disorder, which claims the criteria are based on the DSM-IV. Attachment therapy definitions and symptoms lists of RAD have been criticised as being very different to DSM-TR criteria and as being "non-specific", producing a high rate of "false-positives",[17] and "wildly inclusive".[18]

Ambiguities in usage. A form of parenting called attachment parenting is sometimes used as an adjunct to attachment therapy.[19] The term "attachment parenting" is increasingly co-opted by proponents of controversial techniques conventionally associated with attachment therapy such as Nancy Thomas,[20] whose AP methods differ from those of William Sears.

Answer 18

My mom baby-wore and breastfed, and this was 35+ years ago. AP is nothing new. I don't see what all the fuss is about. Everyone should do hat works best for their family and child. Separation anxiety and AP are not mutually exclusive.