My son is being bullied?

Question

Well, my 12 year old son goes to private school, a very expensive, posh one at that, and he has always loved farming. My ex-husband (my son's father) is a farmer, and my little boy farms over there with his dad every day that he can. It's his passion. So, for his 12th birthday, I bought him a very rare book on tractors and farming, which was an old, original book that I can't ever get again. My son absolutely adores this book, and so he took the book to school one day. He told me that at lunch break he had come into the class room to eat his lunch to find that all the 'popular' gang of boys were throwing his book around the room and it was getting ripped (which the bullies were aware of) and it was broken by the end. All the pages had been ripped out, and the gang of boys were laughing. My son came home devastated and crying, it broke my heart. The boys had been calling him 'geek', 'loser!' and 'nerd-face!' because of his passion for farming and also, his passion for science, as he is amazing at science, always does fantastic in his science test. The next day, when my son hopped onto the school bus, he came home after school and told me that the bullies had placed one piece of ripped page from his book beloe his locker. The next day they put another ripped page below his locker, it happened every day, my son was so upset...I felt so unhappy to hear this too. So, I rang up the school and on the weekend they had agreed a meeting with me about what was happening to my son. I told them the story, and they said they would discuss how to treat people with respect to the bullies. Anyway, when my son went back to school a couple days later, my son said he saw one of the teachers having a word with the bullies, but apparently later on the day when no teachers were around they starting rumaging through his bag for more things of his to wreck. It seemed to never end.

It's now the summer holidays and my son is off school now, and I have been asking him whether he wants to move to a nicer school, which he says no to, despite the bullying. I don't know what to do..he has such amazing test results at this school but I think it's best if I send him to another, just as good school, but he insists that he doesn't want to move. I mean, if I do make him move, he'll be upset with me, but if I don't make him move then he'll be always bullied! It kills me.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

Thanks in advance for your help,
Sara

Answer 1

Sara,



I am SO sorry this is happening to your son!!! My heart would be breaking as well!!! But I really think that if your son says he doesn't want to change schools then you should listen to him and leave him in his current school. He now knows that option is available to him and if it gets too terrible for him, in a way he feels he can no longer handle, he will let you know.



Couple of things:

I would also ask him (as others have suggested) if he would like to take a martial arts class. NOT so he can fight...those places teach respect for physical altercations and that it should be in defense only...but so that his self-esteem can benefit from the confidence it will give him. And so he won't have to be scared when things like this happen.



I would also be very proud of him for not wanting to run away from his problems...not allowing these few boys to intimidate him into leaving a school that he must love since he wants to stay in spite of the bullying.



Also, there are now bullying laws. I'm not sure where you live but in the states it has become a huge topic!!! Refer to these websites for tips on how to STOP bullying from occurring to your child and for individual states laws on the topic: http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/HHS_PSA/pdfs/SBN_Tip_6.pdf

http://www.bullypolice.org/

http://www.hazelden.org/web/go/olweusparent



All three of them have VERY good content!!!



Good luck to you and your son!

Answer 2

-Never say, if 'i dont make him move he'll always be bulleid.' Because that shows that you have given up on making change and youve given up on finding solutions before youve even started. Negativity is NOT good.



I am presuming he is starting year 8 of high school this sept?



Im a mother of a 2 year old, and I have ben through the whole bullying thing, my parents had a horrid time and yes I was moved from a state high to a private paying 3k a term one...Luckily my father had the money. I didnt move school because of the bullying but for other reasons. Then at the private school I didnt fit in at all. I was there for year 10 and 11, the last years of school and it was awful. I prefered the normal state school.



The fact that you are 'paying' for his education means that you would expect any matter to be resolved promptly.



Now, I would again take a harder stance on things. I found that the school didn't take much notice untill my dad kept being persistant, he'd write and hed turn up at the school to voice what he expects them to do.



In other words, hed express the concerns, the problems it causings to his childs education, and how after speaking to the school x amount of times, he hasnt seen a good enough change. And to the school- although ' I understand you are taken the matter seriously and trying to solve it, I am yet to see an improvement.. tHERE ARE MANY OPTIONS. You can write and say, you want a meeting with the bullys, and their parents, yourself and the teacher and untill this meeting you will not be bringing your son into school. You could write a request and ask the school to write professional letters to the 'accused' parents.



They will then have no choice but to act.



The thing about private schools is, they have a reputation to keep. They wouldnt want the press or any one finding out that their school has bullies. It would ruin there credibility. Use this to your advantage.



Another good thing about private school, is usually the majority of the parents of the pupils tend to be middle class and would NOT want to hear that their child is a bully.



I remember sitting in a school meeting room with my form tutor, the head teacher, my father and all the parents of the people who where treating me like rubbish.





If the parents are mature and value a good educational environment the parents of the bullies will also get involved and tell their child to start behaving. Luckily the parents do care otherwise the kids owuldnt be in private school to start with.



After the meting this may all cause a bit of a different environment because there will be hard feelings but if the school is as good as is costs (lol) then they school will also explain to the students, that every person/pupil has there own interests and in the out side world when they leave school and gain employmnt they will have to work among all different people and they should 'practice that now.' They are in there 1st few years of high school and should be expected to get on.



Another thing - if Bullies that dont change they hould be thrown out of school. A private school should have no tolerance,. ZERO TORERANCE. I would not pay for my child to get bullied. Its insane.





I would only move him out of school oiter a year you felt that the school itself where inadequate. For example, if you felt you couldnt trust or rely on the teachers to provide a 'happy stable working environment,' despite al youve raised with them, I presume they advertise in their prospectus, that they provide all the above. Oh and if the school fail on resolving the matters and you have to resort in moving your son - just make very well sure you take the schools 'incompentancy in dealing with bullying,' to the press.



There is no guarantee that if you move him to another school the same thing wont happen there or it could be worse. I belive in dealing with what you have and making it better and solving the issue. Just as we do in the adult world.



And last but not least. Teach your son, to be strong. To be higher than them, to be better than them. Let him know that this can be resolved. It just takes time.



Maybe if it all gets sorted, the boys, maybe months down the line will be able apoligize and shake hands with your son, and embrace 'diversity,' and 'individuality.



Trust me - Ive been there. And we shook hands...

Answer 3

I would personally change school if you live round islewoth take him to isleworth and syon where thy take bullying VERY SERIOUSLY.

No-one has the right to stop him from going to school. His school has a duty to protect your son from bullying and keep him safe. Ask him to try taking a quiet moment to talk to someone you trust and tell them about the problem. Tell him that could be a teacher or someone else he feels comfortable talking to.



Also tell the headmaster again and they should be expelled.



How can he protect himself from being bullied?

The best way to protect himself from being bullied is to tell someone so that you can get some help. If you try to fight back, you might make the situation worse or get into trouble yourself. Plus you could get badly hurt.



Here are some other ideas about how he can deal with bullying. Think about his situation, and what options might be best for him.



TELL HIM TO READ THIS OR SEND IT TO HIM OR TELL HIM



Don’t ignore bullying – it won’t go away on its own and it may get worse.

Tell someone you trust – such as a teacher, parent or friend.



Remember – it’s not your fault. No one deserves to be bullied.



Here are some other things he might want to think about:



Keep a record – and save any nasty texts or emails that you have been sent then show the headmaster, the bullies parents.



If possible try to stay away from the bullies or stay with a group when you don't feel safe.



Ask your mates to look out for you.



Check your school’s anti-bullying policy. This will tell you what your school should do about bullying.



Hope this helped and make sure things get better or he may lose focus on studying and he womt get a good career then.

Answer 4

Poor Darling. I am a farmer, and there is NOTHING geeky or nerdy about it. It's a tough job, so kudo's to your son for being so passionate about a tough trade.



If your son doesn't want to move, don't make him. I was never bullied to the extremes, but I was called a Geek my whole life. And I am proud of that.

Just don't let him take anything that can be damaged. He only has another what 4 years of main stream school left, then it's off to college. Most bullies grow up a lot in these last few years of school.



I went threw State schools for my entire schooling, met a few in my time. I am a Mum now and I still see them around, but I learnt long ago running away never helps much. :)



Good Luck to you both.

Have you spoken to Dad about it?

Answer 5

Hi there. I sympathize with your situation as i go to private school myself and although i wasnt bullied, i have witnessed it first hand. Im now in sixth year(not sure what this is in english schools, its the highest year in scotland) and i can tell you that most people mellow with age. When i first started at my school there was alot of bullying especially to those who had went to non-private primaries. Our school runs some initiatives which i am involved in but most children find it difficult to talk to teachers and the schemes dont work.



Often in my opinion, teachers dont help. So one option for your child is to hang around with friends all the time. Bullies dont bully when there are others who can support your son. I know i will get stick for saying it but often the only way to stop getting bullied is not making yourself a tagert. Sometimes violence is the answer especially when teachers cant help.if force is used then the bullies will know that you are no longer a vunrable person. This may not be your sons best option but for some it is the only one as they find it difficult to talk and can only speak through actions.



If i were your child i would seek the help of an older boy, especially in the top years for help. Children are very narrow and will be intimidated by size. This is my answer and i think even you as a parent could talk to some older pupils after school.



I hope your son stays at the school as moving school is very disruptiv and may harm your sons good results. He seems to have adapted to this enviroment and moving him would make it worse.

Answer 6

Re: chuckles - Yeah like that's going to stop the bullying, get a bl00dy grip. Anyway, back to reality. Approach the school again and point out that you pay a lot of money for your son's education and well being and if this isn't stopped you will send him to a different school, pointing out that you can easily give the school a bad rep for not looking after it's pupils. I was bullied every day at school so in hope everything works out. . . . .Pray? I ask you. Like that's going to help. Sorry to harp on about that other answer but idiots like that make me sick. Further to my answer. The people above are right about mixed martial arts a.k.a. cage fighting is very disciplined and not as brutal as some people think. If he became proficient in this he could easily turn the tables on the bullies.

Answer 7

If you have discussed your fears at length with your son and he still wants to remain at the school , then I would respect his wishes.



Sometimes as an adult we feel these incidents much more deeply than the children. If he was truly upset by the situation he would be asking to move not insisting he stay. He is obviously strong enough to cope with these idiots and values other aspects of his school.





If I were you I would let him stay and continue to stay in very close contact with teachers....ring them frequently if it makes you feel better. Do not be afraid of what they may think of you. You deserve reassurance that the situation is being controlled by the adults concerned.





These kind of situations are very hard to bear for a mother, but I find his insistence on staying quite reassuring of a strong and independent character.

Answer 8

Go into school with the names of all these bullies ang get it sorted out. In the meantime do not send anything of value into school. Personally I would cause a very big fuss and refuse to send him back, the school must be able to guarantee your sons safety if not they shoulsd be reported to the authorities. i would also demand payment for the ruined book. A little manure in their lockers sounds nice but it would only make the situation worse.

Answer 9

I don't know if you are willing to go as far as I did when my son was bullied. I called the police and reported the bullying (dist ruction of private property, assault if they are hitting him, etc). The police went to the school, talked to the principal; then talked to the parents and children involved. A jacket/report was made at the police station, put on file, and if it occurred again then they would be arrested and take the consequences. In my son's case, though, they were doing physical harm along with taking things. The principal, as in your case, was ineffective.



Needless to say, it stopped. Bullies do not want consequences. They are relying on the victum to just put up with it.

Answer 10

I personally hate the idea of getting police involved when it comes to children being children. You can give these children a record for what...? Being bullies? That's not fair to them. I do think these kids need to learn a lesson, including your boy. That's why teaching your kid to defend himself is the best option. If he corrects the situation all by himself, he can not only win respect for himself but also win the respect of his bullies... especially if he beats them. The best way to do that today is have a sit down with the parents and get them to agree to allow your boy to teach these bullies a lesson himself.

Answer 11

What annoys me most about situations such as these is that the schools are so slow to do anything about it-most of them won't admit they have a bullying problem and tend to play it down as a bit of 'messing about' or a 'misunderstanding'. In the meantime desperate mothers have to keep sending their bullied children back to school for fear of themselves getting into trouble from the authorities if they don't send them. As you can't deal directly with the bullies-although you would dearly love to get them somewhere quiet!!-you have to keep on at the school.Make a big nuisance of yourself-ring the head constantly,send letters,go into school etc.For gods sake you're paying enough money to them! Schools have a LEGAL right to protect your child so threaten the school that you will bring the police in if it continues and that you will report them to the Local Education Authority if they don't act immediately.Make it known that you are not going to go away until something is done about it.So many parents end up removing their child from schools that they otherwise like because of bullies and the bullies just move onto their next victim and are able to stay in the school.A very good friend of mine had this problem with her daughter and it wasn't until she threatened the school with legal action-she told them she would sue them for breach of contract as they were supposed to keep her child safe-that they did something.

In the meantime, try to give your child some tips on how to stand up for himself-verbally, not physically.If they get onto him again, tell him to do a very exaggerated yawn and say to the bully 'Oh not this again! this is so boring.aren't you getting fed up of this because i am'!! etc.

Answer 12

Have you considered empowering him by enrolling him in defense training? Karate? Can you change his classes so he is not near the bully? Could you get a restraining or protective order? Then it forces the school to have to keep the bully 200 feet or whatever away from your child at all times. This has been going on way too long and its time to take action. Be sure to document every single thing you do....who you talk to, the time and date, their response etc. Long term bullying like this can cause psychological problems for your son. Kids never want you to get involved because they are afraid their peers will ostracize them over it. But chances are that other kids are being bullied by this same bully too and will appreciate your action. Your child will get over it if it makes his life better.



here is some other answers and the websites they came from:



What can I do if I think my child is being bullied or is the victim of disability harassment? (return to top)



Be supportive of your child and encourage him or her to describe who was involved and how and where the bullying or harassment happened. Be sure to tell your child that it is not his or her fault and that nobody deserves to be bullied or harassed. Do not encourage your child to fight back. This may make the problem much worse.

Usually children are able to identify when they are being bullied by their peers. Ask your child specific questions about his or her friendships and be alert to possible signs of bullying—even if your child doesn’t label the behaviors as bullying.

Talk with your child’s teacher immediately to see whether he or she can help to resolve the problem quickly.

If the bullying or harassment is severe, or if the teacher doesn’t fix the problem quickly, contact the principal and put your concerns in writing. Explain what happened in detail and ask for a prompt response. Keep a written record of all conversations and communications with the school.

Work with the school to help establish a system-wide bullying prevention.



that was from http://www.bullysafeschools.com/website/...



look at these too:



http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/be...



http://www.schwablearning.org/articles.a...



http://www.lfcc.on.ca/bully.htm



As far as switching schools, im surprised he doesnt want to switch. You dont take prescious items to school though. Nothing of value. Even your supplies you write your name on and protect!

I wouldnt switch him if he doesnt want to. You still have other avenues open you havent tried.

As far as the parents....usually the parents of bullies are bullies too. I would pressure the school more by getting a restraining order against the kids.

Answer 13

I know its not an easy situation to deal with.I got bullied in school myself.The best bet is where possible to keep away from them.It sounds to me that he could be a bit of a loner.He needs to have more friends in school so he has a group to hang around with,this makes him less of a target for the bullies.In an ideal world they should be expelled but as you know yourself it wont happen.He also needs to stand up for himself when he gets in the real world leaving school,try not to be too mothering as its not that unusual,everyone gets some bullying from time to time.Good luck and at least it is not physical abuse which is far more worrying.They will move onto somebody else in time.

Answer 14

I admire the lad,he is trying to face it but has not yet realised one thing,to stop it he will have to get hold of the leader and throw the glove down.I had to do this at school,i nearly got expelled for the damage i did to him.He will get respect and fit in once this is done,cowards cannot get anything out of a fighter.Your son sounds as though he is trying to make his mind up.Have a word with him and ask him what he thinks about the idea.

Answer 15

I think ur sons really brave as he obviously wants to fight his own battles. I think u shud let him be and not interfere as that wud make it worse for him- i kno, i was bullied at school.

If he says himself that he wants to move schools then do it, otherwise dont. Let him join some a group with like minded ppl, like boy scouts or something so he'l kno that he's not a 'geek' and make friends and eventually be able to stand up to those weak-minded ppl who're doin this to him.

Best of luck, but u have to accept that for some of us bullying will be a part of growing up unfortunately.

Answer 16

I think it time to tell the lads father and see if he can't convince the parents of the bullies to make them see the error of there ways,then enrol him in a matrial arts class,in these classes they yeach the kids when to be and when not to be aggressive,as it is all based on self defence

Answer 17

I'm sorry to hear that, you have a brave son, if he's saying he doesn't want to move. i would go to the school and tell them it has happened again be firm, and say that if it doesn't get sorted by them then the police will get involved, get in contact with the parents of the bully's and have a word with them and if it persists get the police involved. the parents will be held accountable. hope this helps

Answer 18

Sir MBL, please tell young Cecil to remove his cravat and top hat, and any other formal articles of clothing. Next, have him don a pair of baggy jeans, a large Red Sox t-shirt, and expensive athletic shoes. Lastly, have him think up some delightful informal nickname like "Cees!" or "C.B." Once he makes these changes, he can mingle with the common people without notice, and will avoid future onslaughts.

Answer 19

I would be very upset with the school for not disciplining those bullies.You pay a lot of money for him to attend this school and they should not let this behavior continue.Your son should not have to be ridiculed everyday he goes to school.

Answer 20

Take him to martial arts classes,he will learn to defend himself and you never know he might be in the olympics one day.Its worth a shot,it will stop him being bullied im sure about that.

Answer 21

Talk to the bullies parents.

Answer 22

sadly sending him to another school maybe the only way to help him through this

Answer 23

you should enroll your kid in mma (mixed martial arts) itll teach him how to defend himself and the bully wont be able to touch him

Answer 24

Enrol him into some boxing lessons.Toughen him up a bit.

Answer 25

This is going to sound really stupid, But get him some weights. Make him weight lift.

Answer 26

If I were in this situation I'd do what any mother who loves her son would do - pray like there's no tomorrow!



'I can do all things in Christ which strengtheth me'.

Answer 27

Toughen him up. He sounds like a bit of a wimp. (No offence)