Should I let him see his son? What is best for my child?

Question

I will make this story short...my 7 week old son's father is trying to get out of paying child support. In addition he is completely unreliable when it comes to visitation, and has recently started not showing up to visitation to get back at me. Any time I try to ask him where he was when he was supposed to see his son, his response is "I don't want to argue". Of course he doesn't, he would lose.
Now he is accusing me of not letting me see his son because he asks me 5 minutes before he wants to come over.
He never signed the birth certificate, insisting on paternity test. The test came back that he is the father (of which I had no doubts), but it will be months before I get a revised birth certificate in my hands. We went to CSEA today to establish a child support order, and he put in a motion to have it moved to juevenile court, meaning it will be months before I see any money, in the meantime I am paying almost $900 a month out of pocket for child care, after I just took 2 months off work to have his baby and stay home with the baby.
Here's my dilemna...I want to do what's best for my son, but I have no obligation to let him see his baby until he starts paying for him. Every decision he has made so far has shown that he only cares about himself (having me take my baby out in a blizzard to come see him, then he wasn't even home...telling me he didnt' care what happened to me when he didn't pay his child support and I couldnt take my son to day care so I can keep my job, stating that he had to "protect HIMSELF", etc. etc.)
I feel like he is only wanting to see his son so he looks good in court when he tries to get out of paying support. My son is precious, he is not a toy!! Do I let him see him, or tell him to live with his decisions and wait for the court visitation order??? What is the right thing to do? My emotions are clouding my judgement.

Answer 1

Initially when I saw your question, I assumed your son was alot older. Since he is only 7 weeks, luckily there is time to figure it all out before the kid is old enough to have memories. That said, I think you should maybe have a serious talk with him, with another party as a witness (your mom, friend, even a lawyer) and basically state the things that you need/want from him (financially, physically, and mentally) and also state the things that are NOT acceptable (getting last minute calls about seeing the baby, taking the baby out in bad weather, and obviously him not showing up when he is supposed to) Telll him, that while he may still be immature, you have had no choice but to grow up, since you are raising a child basically on your own. The talk can't all be about ultimatums, or you will most certainly lose his interest and possibilty of compromise. Say things like, "I really don't want my son to have a part time Dad. I would rather he have no dad at all, than a Dad who isn't reliable and lets him down."



As a last resort, if he really is being immature and unreasonable, then say "Either be in his life, or don't. You can't have it both ways. And regardless of whether you are there or not, it took the 2 of us to make this baby, and it will take the income of us both to make sure he has what he needs. If you won't help on your own, then unfortunately I will be forced to make sure you are taking care of him. Neither of us want your paycheck to be garnished, I am simply asking that you pay for diapers, wipes, formula, food, and clothes as needed."



PS If you are seriously thinking about fighting for sole custody, then start keeping a journal of all the times he let down you and your son. I bet if the court knew that you took the baby out in a blizzard for him to not even show up, they would certainly not give custody to him. Good luck!

Answer 2

The court will tell you that child support and visitation are two different things.

If you go to court he will be made to pay child support ..but its pretty easy to be lax about paying it unless he has a good job.

He will be given visitation unless you can prove him unfit to parent/abusive/neglectful.Or unless he does not ask for it...

You do have the right (for now) to insist on 24hours notice that he will want to see the child.

You can (for now ) say no he cant 'take" the baby away from where you are..

But later - the court will grant him regular scheduled visitations.. and he can take the child with him...and you will have no choice.



Whats best for the child...for you to work with the childs father and create a peaceful transistion .. so the baby feels comfortable..when he goes with him. Working together to figure out how to parent when you are not together is necessary ... you need to figure out what works for all of you.

Answer 3

Have you considered letting him come over and visit your son? Or maybe a mutual friend or your parents can supervise? I know it is hard for anyone to tell you what to do not being in the situation and knowing every little fact. Because all facts are crucial when speaking of a child. For example, how old is he? Not that age should matter..It has a lot to do with maturity. Also, he may still love or care for you and it is hard for him. When we are hurting, we tend to handle situations in a childish manner. Start out slow by letting him come see the child for a few hours a week. See how he interacts with the child. Because in the end, you want to be able to say, you done all you could.

Answer 4

well it depends on how your relationship with the father is. I mean did you do something to upset him about the baby? Don't you think you could buck up and act like a mature mother and sit him down and ask him and talk to him like an adult?

If you can, that's what I would do. My husband is not able to see his daughter and he is a fantastic father. The mother wanted more money MORE & MORE & MORE that she doesn't NEED.

How about you make sure that you are not the one who pushed him over the edge. Mother & father, weather together or not need to be on the same page. He has feelings too. so do you. I suggest sitting down and being logical and talking to him about what his NEEDS are and what yours are and your baby. DO NOT EVER TAKE THAT BABY AWAY UNLESS THE FATHER IS SERIOUSLY HURTING THE BABY.

Answer 5

Every child deserves to see there father/mother if there not together. Him acting this way probably makes you super pissed off(I would be to) But to be fair to your son I would let him see his child once a week maybe until he starts taking responsibility. but to say you have no obligation to let him see his son until he starts paying? No a parent shouldn't have to use money to see his own flesh and blood but just paying child support so you can get your son stuff he needs I understand. You may just have to take it to court. I hope you work it out for you and for your baby. Good luck hun.

Answer 6

You do have an obligation to allow him to see his child even with out child support being paid. For some reason a lot of people think that, it's not true. Child support and custody have nothing to do with one another.

Allow him to see his son, write down every time that he does, and every time that he is suppose to, but does not. Do not walk anywhere with your child in a blizzard. If he wants to see his son that bad let him walk in the blizzard. You not allowing him to see him when he shows up at your door, makes you look bad...and you walking with your child in a blizzard makes you look bad...He will not be able to just get out of paying support. But you need to remember that your child is his child to and even if he is trying to see him "to look good", you not allowing it doesn't make you look good either.

Answer 7

its been 7 weeks... how unreliable could have been "lately"? I mean if he was reliable and "lately" he has not been but the kid has only been around for 7 weeks what exactly is the time scale here? I think you need to take a deep breath and think about how to cooperate, this kid is going to have to be with both of you for 18 years, and honestly from what I can see you have a knack for over exaggeration and he has a knack for not steping up to the plate. Not a good combo.

Answer 8

Your son is 7 weeks old. He doesn't care about seeing his father. He has no idea what is going on around him. All he knows is pooping and eating. Just leave things as they are for now. Best wishes.

Answer 9

If there is no court order yet, you don't have to let him see the baby at all. Tell him he must give you more notice if he wants to see the baby.