Stay-at-Home moms...please help me understand. Please know that I am really not trying to offend any one.?

Question

I'm wondering why SOME OF YOU (not all, I know!) are so hard on working mom's?
Here are some of the things I've heard:
Working mom's miss thier child's firsts-How do you know that won't miss your child's firsts when you step away to go to the store, etc.?
Working mom's call you un-educated-most of the SAHM's I know are highly educated and intelligent
A stranger raises your kids-a person that my child sees everyday isn't a stranger if I have thourougly checked them out
So that you can further understand my point of view, here is my deal-I work full time and my son stays with my sister and her two children. I spend all my free time with my son. I love my job and worked hard to get where I'm at and I REFUSE to feel guilty about the accomplishments and the choices I've made. That being said, I hope to soon be in a position to stay at home with my son, because although my work is extremely important to me, my son is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in this world to me. I do resent the guilt trip.

Answer 1

Because women hate women. Women have huge egos, are incredibly judgmental, believe their way is the only (and better) way to do everything, and pull each other down by doing all the backtalking and gossiping. You can see it starting in elementary school and it only gets worse as we get older.

Answer 2

I have been on both sides of your question. I think that stay at home moms are great and I also think that working moms are great. I on the other hand am a stay at home mom. I am also going back to school to further my education so I can join the work force again. I know that every mother loves their children and its hard being torn between the two because both sides are not easy. I do not feel guilty because I stay at home, I also have a job to do every day just like working moms do. I can see your point about working and spending time with your son. All I have to say is if you are comfortable with what you do then do it cause you are the one that has to make the decisions in your life and you are doing what is best for your family.

Answer 3

I'm a SAHM and I don't knock the working mom, I have friends that work and put their children in daycare and it doesn't bother me. Me on the other hand just couldn't do it. Daycares are very costly and wouldn't be worth it if I worked full time paying for daycare. I am planning on eventually going back to work and getting a part time night job therefore I can still stay home with my son. If it works for you and your family it doesn't make you bad parents or people.



Being that my son stays home with me doesn't mean that he will have developemental problems. It doesn't mean that I stay home all day long! We get out a lot and I have friends that are SAHM's. I don't understand how people could say that!

I just really feel that children really need their mother and or father at least the first year of their life. Your lucky that you have family close by because I don't. I just couldn't leave my son with someone I personally don't know, even if I checked them out to the fullest I still don't know them and neither would my son. They eventually get the hang of it because they will be dropped off everyday. I just couldn't imagine being away from my son 8-9 hours a day and having someone else take care of him. I'm not saying that none of that is hard on the working mom's mind because Im sure it is. You can't put a price on the welfare or raising of your child. Now this is just me and my feelings but it doesn't mean I have anything against working moms. You shouldn't feel guilty because Im sure your son is happy, healthy and well taken care of....Your lucky he can be with family......

Answer 4

I don't judge people like that, whether working or not, we all have our hands full. Why do you care what other people think. I've chosen to leave the work force to stay at home and work with my child of 15 months by my side and 3 teenagers now so I don't miss anything. I wouldn't have it any other way! My child won't go to daycare and will not be raised by a stranger. This is going to make her a better person. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Nothing like that offends me. People who are unintelligent don't understand the full JOB of being a house wife or stay at home mom. I just tell people I work part-time and keep my children when I'm not having to work. As for a term, stay at home working mom sounds good to me :) Seems like Zorro has an arch nemesis!

Answer 6

I've been both a stay at home and a working mum (I'm english we don't have moms here) I think you are talking about a more fundamental aspect of human behaviour than child care. For some reason people think they have a right to make judgements about how other people choose to live. We see it on yahoo answers all the time don't we, judgement questions and answers on almost every aspect of life.



Make your choices, don't feel guilty about them, you must live as it suits you to live, if other people can't cope with that then that is there problem. Ignore them, pity them, but don't be affected by them. If we were all just happy to let everybody else get on with what they needed to do and just got on with what we needed to do I'm sure the world would be a much happier place.

Answer 7

I have been on both ends. I was a working mother for my sons' first years and missed out on alot of firsts. My job and my single hood made it hard to be there for my sons'. Now I am remarried and I am a SAHM w/ my two daughters', out of necessity, as well as want. It is hard to afford daycare for 4 children and still maintain a pycheck. I totally believe that no matter what your 'outside' job is, that as long as you make your 'home' job your priority, then you are doing the best thing for your child/ren. As long as you are doing what makes your home life thrive, whether it be, working outside the home b/c you have to, or b/c it fulfills you. And you are making sure your child/ren are being properly taken care of and you spend the quality time w/ them, b/c I know SAHM that spend the quantity time and not the quality time w/ their kids, then you are doing exactly what is needed. And don't let anyone else tell ya differently!! ;)

Answer 8

I love my son to death. I am a working Mom and in a way I kind of have to be, most of the time now a days you need two incomes coming into the house.



I used to think that I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I miss my son so much during the day, but I want to work. I don't love my job, but I want to have some extra money and get a chance to interact with others, and use my degree that I have worked so hard for.



I think that it is great for those that stay at home with their kids. I think that it is one of the most difficult jobs to do! I also think that being a stay-at-home mom doesn't give you or your child an opprotunity to develop and grow in themselves and life.



When you are a stay-at-home mom I think that you ("you" being general) can make you be more overprotective of your kid. I am only speaking from what I have seen, from other women that have been stay-at-home moms and friends that grew up in this environment.

Answer 9

If your not trying to offend anyone they why are you attacking the SAHM?

I understand that not everyone is lucky enough to be a stay at home mom financially- my family cant that is why i made sure to get a job where i can take my baby with me. That way I am the one raising her.........not my sister, not my mom, not some daycare, me. Your kids should be the most important thing in your life (after your hubby) your job and career should come afterwards.

And also nice try onthe point that a stay at home mom would "miss" the firsts because the kids go EVERYWHERE with the mom, includeing the grocery store. Its a lot less likely to miss it when you have your kids day and night then a mom who is working and not anywhere around.

I think its a jealousy issue that working moms have towards SAHM's.

Answer 10

I am a sahm and I feel that mothers make choices by what is best for them and there familys. I don't feel that working mothers are bad mothers because they work that is there choice or in some cases it is what they have to do in order to raise there family. I had a great job before I had my daughter but after I had her my husband and I discussed it and a majority of my pay would go to daycare, and the cost of me working(car payment, gas, eating out(lunch), etc) so in our case it just made more since for me to stay home. Basically everybody does what they need to do or want to do for there family and I have respect for working moms because they do a lot and they are under respected(although being a sahm isn't easy either)

Answer 11

i understand completely. I have been on both sides, so I can present a full picture here. As a working mom, i did miss out on SOME time with my child. As I had more children, i decided to work in the daycare so i could still pop in on my kids when necessary. i am the type of person who needs to work, not only for the finacial part of it, but it's just part of who I am. After the birth of my 3rd child, daycare costs were skyrocketing, even with me working in a daycare with them, forcing me to stay at home and work from there.

I do enjoy spending lots of time with my babies, but I also love to work. Some women just think they are the mothers of the year because they dedicate all of their time to the kids. I believe that you can have the best of both worlds and still be the worlds best mom.

Don't listen to anybody who says otherwise, I'm sure you are doing what is best for you and your son. As am I.

Answer 12

I have never heard that. I am a SAHM, and I do not put WAHM's down. I put my son in daycare when he was 11 months so that I could further my education. I don't regret it. He got to play with children everyday and loved it. Now I do my classes on-line. My husband was going to join the military and I decided to pursue my education on-line because of that. Then, I decided to keep it going so that if my son got sick or couldn't go to school, I was able to stay home with him and still do my classes. It works for me. I am also getting a job soon. And my son will continue to go to school.

Answer 13

I had no choice but to work outside the home. I would love to have stayed at home. Now that I have 5 kids, I'm grateful for a part-time job. :) No one should judge another--I think that's ridiculous. Same as bottle vs. breast feeding. Ridiculous--it has to fit the person and the situation.



Thanks for the great post...you hang in there. The first step you see your son take is still the first step you see. And really, there is many more important things than that. He knows you love him and that's the most important. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!

Answer 14

For the same reason some working mothers feel the need to say rude things about SAHMs .People often feel the need to critasise the things they do understand or want but can not have. I have said it before and I will say it as many times as asked.Untill we stop tearing each other down and start trying to understand each other neither side will get the respect it truely deserves.

Answer 15

I'm not one to judge. I myself am a stay-at-home mom. I love being able to spend every waking moment of everyday with my son. But part of me feels that I'm not doing my part to contribute to my family. There is nothing wrong with being a mom and working too. You are helping to insure that your child has cloths to put on their back, a good roof over their head, food, and an education. Those are the best gifts you could ever give your child.

Answer 16

I don't think you should feel guilty at all about going to work. In fact, I think you should feel very proud! You work two full time jobs. Your son is in the care of someone you love and trust, I see nothing wrong with that.



I am a stay at home mother and I am in no way uneducated. I made the choice to be at home with my daughter. I plan to return to work when she starts school. I actually admire working mothers. Sometimes I wonder how you do it! :)

Answer 17

you are lucky to have family close this is why i stay home when i had my second child i also had a fantastic job making over 50 thousand a year i had no intention of giving that up my husband also works but doesn't make as much but it's close we hired this sweet old lady (late 50's) and boy were we shocked when the cops came to where i worked and told us they had been watching our house because this sweet old lady was selling crack and meth out of it so she was arrested and my kids had no idea they there wern't harmed thank god you would think i would have taken this as a sign but no not me so i put her in daycare (my other child is school aged and used after school care) the first day in this daycare center another baby pulled on a eletric cord that was connected to a crock pot on top of a fridge the crock pot fell on the baby was full of hot water this baby got 3rd degree burns on more than half of her body and has suffered some brain damage also when the center called me at work to say there had been an accident but it did not involve my child but they needed the parents to come pick them up right away i went and was shocked i called my boss later that day and quit the day care centers in this area are horrible and the ratio for 2 year olds (my youngest is 2) is 1 care giver to 12 two year olds a few months ago another daycare (the one my girls was in was shut down) locked a 4 year old boy on a bus for about 4 hours another center was fined because it did not do background on several employees........i thank god every day that nothing happened to my children while my husband and i put them in jepordy it was unintentional but it it happened .we struggled with the decision and my husband almost stayed home but in the end we decided it was best if i did so we moved in to a smaller house got rid of our second car and we shop at discount stores i miss my job and the money i made but i know that my kids are happy and safe so that's why i stay home i would never bash any one on there personal choices and wish that people would try harder to understand each others different situations ..i also wish i had family close the closest relative for me is 1036 miles away so you are lucky to have your family close by i also look forward to going back to work as soon as my daughter is in elementary school . i am also trying to work on changing the law here in florida so we can lower the ratios of these daycares to make them safer for all the kids but it is proving to be hard work and i really don't think anyone but me cares about this issue but i'll keep trying anyway

Answer 18

If you feel so strongly about your position, then why feel guilty. I'm a SAHM and frankly I couldn't care less if you work or don't work. I don't care if your educated or not. I just know that I want to stay home with my son and I don't really care what anybody says about it. Sure it means less money for my family and my husband works very hard so that we can do it this way,but it's a personal desicion. So why worry about what they say to you, tell them to mind their own business.

Answer 19

From my personal experience, working Moms say they have to work to support THEIR lifestyle, not support their children. I'm a stay at home Mom, and I don't have a new car sitting in my driveway, we don't go out to eat that often, I have the same clothes I've had for years, I don't get my haircut at a salon, or get manicures or massages. In some people's eyes I lead a dull boring life. However, I get to take my kids to the park at 2pm on a Tuesday. I can bake cookies from scratch because I have the time. I don't have my kids on a strict schedule so everything can get done on Saturday or Sunday. I wouldn't change my life for the world. My kids know what it's like to go into a store and not get something. They know how to listen to ME instead of daycare providers. I see my kids for more than two hours each day. There are pros and cons for every situation. The only thing that gets me angry is when working Moms take advantage of Stay at Home Moms. My friend will call me at the last minute to see if I can watch her son because "I'm home doing nothing anyways". My husband works days, I work part time nights. Stop saying how "hard" it is to work and be a Mom, you made your choice.

Answer 20

I'm a SAHM and I have heard others really dissing working Mom's quite a bit! I think that each person has to make their own decisions. It would be really bad for somebody who really got a lot of their self-worth from their job to go be a stay at home Mom. It would be horrible for them. It would be torturous for somebody who's total self worth is family/child centered to leave the home and work outside of it. The person taking care of your kids has got to want to be there is my point!



When you're leaving the kids with a family member it is an ideal situation. About 3/4 of my SAHMS I know have worked in home or public childcare centers and would never leave their kids there!



A lot of SAHMS actually do some work at home. I tutor kids after school since I used to be a math teacher. Many do volunteer work for organizations etc. Other's run small internet businesses or sell crafts etc. So the whole SAHM thing is in a lot of ways a misnomer. Most of us are only "part-timers"!



I find that the ones who've got to go dissing the working Mom's are trying to justify their own decisions! Maybe they're feeling a little low on the whole self-esteem scale or their decision to stay home is being attacked by family members or their spouse. Sometimes they say things that aren't meant as rude but the working Mom is so sensitive about the situation they just take it that way.



My neighbor that works always says "I couldn't do it, I would get bored." On my bad days I think "What am I not as smart as you and am simply pleased?" On my good days I think "She admires my contentedness to live simply." Oh hormones!

Answer 21

(SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH)

What I have learned is that you choose to give in to the guilt trips or you don't. My dad constantly give me a guilt trip, because he doesn't understand how we can possibly give our son all that he needs on one income. We make do! His needs are all met. We have a roof over our head, food on the table & clothes on our backs. We do less expensive fun things like go to the park & matinee movies, etc.



I am completely fine with women who choose to work, many of my friends choose to work & not stay home... It is what ever you feel you want to do... I know that many, many women that work provide better care than some stay at home moms, to say there is only one way is not fair, and that it is what ever works for you, what ever allows you to do the best for your child.



In my opinion, though, when women went out into the work force, there was a marked increase in juvenile delinquency! I feel that mothers have taken on the role of fathers, as in being providers. And those women lost a part of themselves by admitting that they needed to work as men to be women. (That seems backwards to me, giving up your role as a woman, to be more of an equal to the man???) I feel husbands & wives are equal, even when ones job is to stay home and run the house. Now, not many are at home to teach their sons how to be fathers and providers & their daughters how to take care of the house & children. Day care & baby sitters may provide your child with excellent care while you are away, but they cannot teach your child the things necessary about caring for a family or a home. When they are at home they can be included in things such as cooking & chores, teaching them while also giving you help.



Also when most women chose to enter the work force I feel it completely messed with the economy. Making it very difficult to survive on one income. As the couples were earning more & more on 2 incomes the cost of living began to rise. Giving many women no choice but to enter the work force.



There are many other reason I find beneficial to being a stay at home mom. The only reason I can see being a working mom is for more money. So then is the choice between your kids or money? But it really all boils down to what you feel is right in your heart whether that is working or not.



BTW House work and raising kids 24/7 is hard than a 9-5 if you ask me! Good luck with your decision, and whatever you choose for your family will be the right choice, don’t let anyone make you feel bad!

Answer 22

Obviously some women have no choice but to work, and no one should make them feel bad about it. I think it's important to put your children first though, and if you are able to spend more time with them I think you should. I have to work, but I worked ot out so I could just work 12 hours a week. My daughter goes to daycare during that time, which she loves. It gives me a break from her and gives me something else to focus on. But yet we have most of the days together. I feel I have the best of both worlds. The only thing I have a problem with is women who have children but choose to work 60 hrs/wk when they don't really need too, and let someone else raise their children. I think that is selfish.

Answer 23

I have been a single working mom, married working mom and now a married stay at home mom so I can see it from all angles. I love being a stay at home mom but sometimes wish I still worked so I can have some grown up time (especially when hubby is deployed). So my response is that you know what is best for you and your family so be proud of your decision and don't let others make you feel guilty about working!

Answer 24

I am a new sahm and it would be nice if I could go back to work to help support or family. However, I don't have a family member to watch my daughter. If it was a family member like you have maybe some of the sahm would go back to work. I would much rather a family member watch my daughter than someone I don't really know personally.

Answer 25

If you have to work, then you have to work. You cant help that. I am a stay at home mom and cant imagine working and being away from my kids, but I also dont see anything wrong with a mother working. I have lots of friends that work and have children.

But that goes both way, because they say things about stay at home moms too. I have one friend that is always makng comments to me about not working and having my kid with me all the time. I dont get her way of thinking, but I also just try to ignore it , because its my choice.

Answer 26

I don't understand either.

I am a nanny, and people are so mean to the mom for having a nanny. She HAS to work, or she can't feed the baby, keep a roof over his head, keep him clothed, ect.

But I also noticed, noone has ever spoken ill of the father for having a nanny. At least, nothing past "Well get a better paying job so the mom can stay home."



It's the old steriotype that women are good for nothing but sitting at home raising kids and cleaning. Some people are just mad that women have gotten out there to work and broke free maybe.



But I must say, even though I'm with the little guy alot and have seen quite a few firsts, he saves alot for his parents. Kids do save them alot of the time, they don't KNOW they are doing it, but it just happens to wait for mommy to see it.

Answer 27

Why do working moms keep saying that stay-at-home moms are denying their kids experiences at day-care, the moms can't grow when they are at home, etc...? I get tired of that! Don't give the stay-at-home-moms a guilt trip.



I have my opinion on the subject and it worked for me. I'm not going to tell anyone what they should do.



Personally, my husband and I work together and our main office is in our home. WE were there for the parent -teacher meetings, first steps, potty training, etc... It was good for the kids and WE raised them, not some day-care place.

Answer 28

The need for both parents to work is just another step toward the destruction of the family. Don't listen to them, work as hard as you can and raise your children the best you can. There are plenty of parents out there that arn't even doing THAT much.

Answer 29

oh honey, i have 3 kids. worked full time (and then some) until the oldest was 5 and the middle was 3. have been home full time since the third was born, going on 3 years now. i have experience on both sides and i have discovered that moms are moms no matter if they spend their days working at home or out of it. we all worry, love, miss and enjoy. try not to worry so much about those single-minded-holier-than-thou people and continue to focus on yourself and your child. good luck.

Answer 30

Maybe it is because so many working moms are also hard on stay-at-home moms. They feel guilty on their own about going to work instead of being home with their kids, ot if they HAVE to work they are jealous of the ones that don't work outside the home. It is not all one-sided and each side needs to chill.

Answer 31

Dont listen to those people that say that,and dont feel guilty either .Im a stay at home mom and i could care less what people say.With my first son i worked and i felt guilty about leaving my son with strangers ,but you leave yours with your sister ..thats good..cause its a family member.I dont listen to what people say , they say things about stay at home moms ,like theyre lazy and such.I dont care and neither should you .and it doesnt matter people are going to say what theyre going to say.

Answer 32

Speaking as a soon-to-be working mom, I don't think your question is really fair to stay-at-home moms. It sounds like you are overly defensive and feel like you need to confront someone over this, but you are choosing the wrong forum. If anyone has ever made you second-guess yourself as a working mother, you need to confront that particular person or those people.

Work-out-of-the-home moms and stay-at-home moms need to realize that they are BOTH MOMS and are both trying to do what is best for their children.

Answer 33

Because working moms have put us down for years, they think we have nothing to do so we should be always available to help them out with their problems. We actually envy working moms you get paid for your work and get to hear complete sentences.

Answer 34

Do what is best for YOU and your family.



Usually I find that when people are adament that their way is the only way and attack other people they know what they are doing isn't right for them.

Answer 35

WHY DO YOU CARE??? EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN OPINION AND THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. YOU DO FOR YOU AND STOP FEELING GUILTY ABOUT WHAT A FEW WOMEN HAVE TO GRIPE ABOUT. THEY DON'T KNOW YOU, SO WHY STRESS IT!!.

Answer 36

Good for you and well said!