love for your kids vs love for your spouse...?

Question

ok... i got into an argument with a friend about this earlier... it kinda went like this...

she asked if i love my husband more or less than my children. I responded by saying that it's not a more or less thing but rather a different kind of love. I love my children very intensely as a mother and I love my husband very intensely as a life partner.
My friend was very shocked that I felt that way. I think her issue was that I didn't say I loved my kids more then anything. She said that her husband was "nothing" to her and that it should be obvious that the kids come first. To that I said that I thought it was sad that she would talk of her husband like that (being "nothing") and that even if my husband and I were to split i would never consider him "nothing".

Anyways... I went on to explain that if I had to choose then of course my children come first and that yes, i would in fact kick my husband out if need be... but that that still did not mean that I loved my children more, simply that it was different...

she still didn't get my point so i just switched to talking about potty training... lol

so... am I really a horrible mother for not saying that I love my children more?

Answer 1

You're so right! It's a different kind of love, and, although I know you're not a believer, that's the way God intended it to be in the Bible..



Your husband is the person you chose to spend your life with, your kids aren't even truly yours as they will, one day, move on and make their own life and family, you're, of course, right to love them endlessly, but your husband is the person that will be by your side forever, and, to me, that is more beautiful and valuable than anything.. My son is the light of my life, but my husband is ''the one''.. You can't top ''the one'' :) Good Q



Oh and I wouldn't want to be that woman's husband, my husband knows he's on the top of my list, and I am very glad & proud to be on the top of his.. Not meaning that we love each other ''more'', or that we care more about each other's needs than our son's.. You know what I mean, right?



God Bless

Answer 2

You are right on the money, I think. I agree with you. You love them intensely, but it's a different kind of love for your children than it is for your husband. You can't possibly have the exact same kind of love for your children that you would have for your husband. I am the same way you are in my feelings, and yes, my children DO come first no matter what, but my husband also takes priority over other people (besides my kids) because of the type of love I have for him. The kids will always be first over anyone though, including my husband. He holds me at the same respect, which is the way it should be.

Answer 3

I find it rather shocking that she says that her husband is NOTHING! Wow, that's sad!!! Without your husband there wouldn't be any children. I love my husband more than anything and I also love my daughter more than anything! But like you said, it's an absolutely different kind of love.

You are not a bad mom at all!!

Answer 4

While I agree with you that I love both very intensely, I think she just didn't *understand* what you mean. I think what she MEANT to say, but didn't ask, was.. "Who would you choose over the other if you had to?"

I think that's only real excuse for her offense, not that she really has one. I mean if you had to save your kids or your husband, you would obviously choose your vulnerable child. I think she asked a question with an idea in her mind and used your answer to feed her ego. *I love my kids more than you do* sort of thing.

Answer 5

Wow! Sounds like she doesn't care about her husband at all, which IS sad.



Choosing the well-being of your children over what your husband wants isn't about amount of love. He's a grown-up and can look after himself; your children are, well, children. Dependent.



Of course you're not horrible. You sound perfectly sensible to me. The idea that EVERYTHING can be ranked into first, second, third, with no ties, is just silly. That way of thinking does NOT map on to reality at ALL.

Answer 6

As I read the title the first thing that came to my mind was "its a different kind of love". I could not choose who I loved more because I love my family equally in different ways. I couldn't imagine saying that my husband was 'nothing' to me. That question would be like someone asking me which one of my kids I loved more. =)

Answer 7

Their's 2 different kinds of love, Love for your children and love for your husband, you cannot compare those 2 loves! I would however never kick my children out unless they were rude and dis respectful to me and over 18.

Answer 8

The love is very different between the love of spouse and love for a child! But that being said never ever would my spouse come before my children! My children are here for me to raise and take care of and protect.

Answer 9

As you said, it's not a "more or less" thing, but an entirely different kind of love.



How sad that she compares the 2 loves and says that her husband is "nothing." I couldn't imagine thinking of my husband that way.

Answer 10

I agree with you. How could she think of her husband as "nothing"? Why is she even with him if she feels that way? Sad.

I love my husband and son in different ways, but I wouldn't say I love one more than the other. I will say that I seem to love my son more unconditionally, while I feel like my husband has to continue to earn my love by treating me with respect, being faithful, upholding our marriage vows, etc. My son shouldn't have to do anything to earn my love.

Answer 11

I completely agree with you...i love both my fiance and my son deeply, those loves are just very different. I would do anything in the world for both of them...and would protect them both with my life. But when it gets down to my son being in danger, i would choose him over my fiance.



If it came down to my fiance becoming dangerous physically or mentally, yes...i would choose to kick him out in order to protect my son. If it came down to the house starting on fire, yes...i would run to get my son rather than make sure my fiance gets out because i know, ultimately...my fiance is self-sufficient and a big boy while my 3 month old son is not.



However, this does not mean i love or care for one more than the other.

Answer 12

I love my husband, yes, but I could certainly imagine circumstances in which we would part. But me and my son are forever. (My husband feels that way about our son too.) It's different. But I would not say my husband is "nothing" to me. That's weird. Even if we broke up, he's still the father of my child...

Answer 13

I bet her children appreciate the tension between their parents with that kind of love!





I feel the same way.I love my kids, my dogs, family, friends, spouse all...just in different ways.

Answer 14

The love for a spouse/lover (eros) is different than a love for a child by a parent (storge) is different than the love you can have/receive from God (agape) is different than a love for a friend (philia). Or so I've always seen the explanation.

Answer 15

I totally agree with you. I love my husband and my son. I don't love one more than the other, but I love them differently.

Answer 16

No. Two completely different types of love. Besides Why would you ever be in the situation where you would have to choose?

Answer 17

i'd hate to be in a marriage where we were "nothing" to each other.



i love my husband, i love my kids, and i agree it's different, primarily because my husband can take care of himself and my kids can't. but ranking love is generally a bad idea. there's plenty to go around.

Answer 18

No you are closely bound family unit so everybody loves each other equal.

Answer 19

No way, it is a different love. I think your answer is great!

Answer 20

you're completely right sweety. that's exactly how i feel. you'rea great mother and sound like a very wise person. (:

Answer 21

no, certainly not.



in our house, there is no "more" or "less". we all love each other lots and lots and lots. that's all that needs to be said.