How do I raise my step children without their father saying I hate them?

Question

How do I raise my step children without their father saying I hate them?

Answer 1

The only thing you can do is reinsure how much you do love them. Let them know that no matter what anyone says or does you will always be there for them and you will always love them. As long as they know that what their fathers says is going to go in one ear and out the other which in most cases is what happens with children any way. And if their father is your spouse then you need to leave your husband for making your life miserable. Cause if that is the case then he wants his children to not like you and maybe that is his way of trying to get out of the marriage.

Answer 2

First off you need to be a friend to the children. It is like a good cop bad cop relationship. You get to be the good cop. In step families the key to success is that you need to remember that you are not their father, so when it comes to discipline you let their mom and dad take care of the situation. And you get to be the supportive friend to the kids. As long as you step back and let the biological parents discipline while you show the kids that they have a supportive friend then you should have nothing to worry about. Also don't ever show resentment toward the children, Understand that they may not like the idea of a stepfather but it is not you they don't like they just want their parents together. It is only natural.

Answer 3

Well the first question you need to ask yourself, is why is my husband telling my step children that i hate them? If you are divorced then thats ok, but then the other question would be why are you raising his children?



The best advice i can give you is, tell your kids that you love them no matter what anybody says, and if they say you don't, then they need to let it go in one ear and out the other. Kids are persuaded easily, but to show your kids that you love them without showering them with gifts is one of those things thats probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Everytime you tell your kids to do their homework instead of playing video games, or to eat their veggies instead of ice cream, just smile after and say "its only because I love you" Eventually your kids will understand and meanwhile, you have to just tell them all the time that you love them, because the way you show your love is through discipline and molding them into something great in the future, your kids will see that as--she doesn't really love us, she just says it. Take them out on outings when they make good grades or when they do their chores the way they are supposed to make them their favorite dinner or dessert. Let them pick what to watch on tv. There are little things that you can do, while still raising great kids. Just remember that if you do have fights with your kids, that eventually when they are older they will see how much you love them and trully care for them.



*Don't talk about the dad around them if there are harsh feelings. They will not see that as a good role model, if they have complaints, take it to him, do not express your hatred toward him with kids. Be Strong and you will be great!

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 4

It takes time for blended familes to adjust. I would begin with sitting down with your husband and talk about each other's philosophy of raising children. Listen as much as you can to learn about his way of parenting, and listen deeply to how he loves his children. Find a way to understand and/or negotiate the differences. You might have to listen to him first to hear all he has to say, so be careful to defend yourself at this point because your first goal is to understand his views. Then, you both can work on agreement for parenting both of your children (step or not).



Remember to affirm for him that you love these children, too.



A good resource and a good method for raising children can be found in the Love and Logic parenting series. It is a very good approach and it is also a good way to identify both of your parenting styles. The book is called "Parenting with Love and Logic" and it is by Foster Cline.



Also, if it is practical, don't take your husband's word of "hate" get in the way of being the best mom you can be. He's using that word in an insecure way and I don't think he actually believes you hate them. So, work on affirmation and work on relationship. You both will have different styles and different gifts to bring into the parenting relationship. Use your unique gifts and remember to love and guide them with your actions and words. It will work out.

Answer 5

Their father is going to say whatever he is going to say regardless of what you do or don't do, so don't let that color how you would raise a child (ANY child, not just a step-one!). I have always found that if you encourage the child to talk about the mother, feelings about and for her, and that sort of thing it creates a bond and lets them know you are not there trying to replace her. When they behave differently toward you, their father should, as well.

Answer 6

You can not control what their father says or does. Raise them exactly like you would raise your own. Treat them exactly like you would treat your own. If your a good father you'll be a good step-father...and maybe not until their all grown up , but someday they will see things through adult eyes and know who you are and have always been to them. Short term you may have to deal with some real garbage, but remember, don't walk on egg shells or try to avoid making them angry, Treat them like you would your own, someday they will respect that. (Dad of 4 , Step-Dad of 3)

Answer 7

I assume that your trying to establish boundaries, rules and consequences for breaking those rules. If your husband feels you hate them, why? Is it a free for all in his house? If so, then he isn't going to change his parenting style for you.



Step-Parents and Parents need to be a team. If you two cannot come to a compromise on this or that, then you will come to resent him as a father and the children. Which is not what you want to be a part of.

Answer 8

Your step children will know you by your actions and your words. Give them the love and support that they need.



You cannot control their father but can control your own actions with them and with their mother.



Putting down the dad only helps him, not you. Just be the good example.

Answer 9

First of all, you need to confront him. If he isn't giving you support them he is the one with problems. If you feel you are doing your best, then don't change. If you give your stepchildren the same attention and devotion that you would give your own children, you are on the right track. It is always hard to come into a family like this. God bless you for taking the challenge.

Answer 10

if their father tells them that you hate them then I'm sorry but you shouldn't be with him. Unfortunally guys with kids are a whole package....they'll never be able to see you as a parent with an attitude like that from their father. I'm sorry your in this mess. Try talking to the father. If he can't change then nothing will get better.

Answer 11

I don't even understand this. Are you saying that the man you're with now has children from a previous relationship and he tells them that you hate them? is that it? If so, why are you with him?



If I've got the situation wrong, you need to write your sentence a little clearer.

Answer 12

I had a hard time being a step mother. I just looked at it like this, this child is here to love and be cared for, you don`t have to love them like your own, but you do have to give them love and respect like you would any other human being.

Answer 13

Show them it's not true,show them lots of love and tell their dad to quit tring to hurt the children because he's hurting. there is already enough pain in the world than tring to hurt your own children.

Answer 14

by being kind, show him you acctually care for his kids. When they get an a+, or an a on a quiz take them out for icecream, don't try and replace their Mom, just be a new family member.

Answer 15

By loving and raising them as you would your own!

Answer 16

Try to show him you care about his kids, there is WAY MORE responsibiltiy on stepparents then people think, Good luck

Answer 17

You don't. Unless the kids in question are all under age 3 you are NOT NOT NOT their parent. You are their parent's spouse END OF STORY. You do not discipline, you do not set rules. You can discuss rules in private with your spouse but the children should never know they come from you.



The only time you may step in is if you are the only adult present and they are about to do something dangerous. Otherwise it can wait until their real parent is home to deal with it.



Almost every child psycholoigst, therapist, etc agrees with this.



http://www.fortnet.org/ParentToParent/PFellers/par_step.html

Advice For Step-Parents



* Education yourself on what being a step-parent means; it is different from the role of a biological parent. Join a support group or read books on the topic. Recommended is "Step-Family Realities" by Margaret Newman. Contact the Step-Family Association of America, out of Lincoln, Nebraska. Step-parents themselves, the group offers a newsletter, catalogue of books, conferences and on-call counseling. Call 402-477-STEP.

* Work on your relationship with your spouse -- for the couple is the architect of the family. Discuss expectations and problems that arise.

* Introduce children to a possible mate gradually during dating. After marriage, realize that it will take time (from 18 months to two years) for children and adults to get acquainted and adjust. After all, it was the adults who fell in love with each other, not the kids.

* Be flexible and understanding in your expectations, demands and time. Situations can be even more complicated with two sets of step-parents, step-children, and half-brothers and sisters. Biological parents and children need time together, as well as the newly formed family unit. Responding to individual needs is even more important when mates bring adolescent children to a new union. The teenager's goal is for autonomy, at the same time that a new family requires greater togetherness to bond.

* Make your mate's job as step-parent as easy as possible. Remind children that he/she should be treated with respect. Remember that the biological mate has the primary responsibility. A step-parent shouldn't be a co-equal with the biological parent in terms of discipline; this could be a set-up for failure. But the step-parent can be empowered to deal with situations when necessary. Use a family conference to establish house rules and avoid power struggles. The babysitter model works well in terms of discipline. The biological mate can state to children, "Your step-dad will be in charge while I'm gone". And the step-parent can state, "This is the house rule." or "Your mother wants your homework done before you watch television."

* Realize that as a step-parent, you can play a special role as a mentor and friend. But don't try to replace the biological parent or put the child in the middle of parental quarrels. Even if the biological parent is dead, he or she still holds an emotional place. It's important to say, "I can't be your dad, but I care about you. I am here for you as your step-dad, if you need me; and I want to be your friend."



http://www.theparentreport.com/resources/topics/family_life/teen/381.html



http://www.flc.org/hfl/parenting/stepparents.htm

Strategies for Step Parents

by Gigi Cook



If parenting is the hardest job in the world then step parenting must be close to impossible! Statistics show that half of all Americans will be in a step relationship at one point in their lifetime. What is the secret to great step relationships? Many times putting simple daily principles into practice over time will produce the results you are looking for. Here are 10 tips to help you become a successful step parent:



1. Understand the differences between step families and first families.

Step families are formed out of a loss from death or divorce, resulting in the dissolution of the first family. Children, at any age, may assume their step family will be a re-creation of their first family, often resulting in expectations impossible to fulfill. The key to re-defining "family" is to develop an identity as a group. Hobbies and interests encourage bonding. Whether it is rock collecting, traveling, or Sunday get-togethers, develop a unique identity for your group.



2. Don't expect an instant relationship.

While you cannot expect instant attachment or love, you can expect to be treated respectfully. Model respectful behavior towards your step children and let them see you set the example. Encourage trust by never making negative comments about the biological parent or siblings around your step children.



3. Discipline by the biology book.

When it comes to discipline for step children, biology is the key!! Once you and your spouse have set the rules in your home, let the biological parent take the lead, especially with older children. If the biological parent is absent and the step parent must discipline, take the position of "adult in charge," not parent.



4. Get the "You're Not My Parent" conversation out of the way quick!

No matter the age, this topic is inevitable. When it happens, be confident and clear about who you ARE. You may consider actually saying: "You're right, I'm not your parent. You have a mom and a dad and I do not intend to replace them." If the child has overstepped one of the rules and the biological parent is unavailable to handle the situation, you may need to add, "At the moment, I am the adult in charge. Here is the rule you are expected to keep in this house."



5. Keep a united front up front.

When problems arise the kids need to see you and your spouse in agreement. Develop an expected code of behavior for the entire household that applies to ALL children present. If you and your spouse are having a disagreement over discipline, go for a walk and air your differences. But when the kids are watching…you two are one!!



6. Carve out one-on-one time with each child.

While creating a group identity is key to becoming a family, one-on-one time is key for developing a good relationship with your step child. Find time to spend alone together. Where possible, get yourself into their world. Consider volunteering on your step child's sports team or rearrange your schedule to drive to or from school. Drive time in the car can be a good time to communicate.



7. Avoid creating competition.

Your biological children crave your undivided attention and it is important to spend special time with them. Help your step children to avoid feeling left out by keeping your special times with biological children low key. Don't make a big deal out of what you do when the step kids are away.



8. Make a daily attitude check.

When it comes to your step kids, become the poster person for a positive attitude!! Every day, make a conscious effort to forgive the small hurts that eventually add up to a big grudge. No matter how stressful the situation gets, never resort to criticism or sarcasm when communicating with your step children.



9. Avoid the split personality approach to step parenting!

Scheduling step life can be brutal. Two days here, one night there; the whole family can end up with a spilt personality! Remember, your kids may be important members of two households. When schedules clash, put the child's needs first even if it means extra driving, inconvenient timing, or a missed opportunity for you. Your child will remember your cooperative attitude more than anything else.



10. Keep the success of your marriage in focus.

The most vulnerable relationship in the house is your marriage relationship. It may feel selfish at times, but do whatever it takes to keep your marriage in good shape. Statistics show one of the main causes for divorce in step families is the stress of step parenting. Set aside "alone time" with your spouse and guard that time carefully.