People think we're teen parents.?

Question

Just wondering, how would you all deal with this? Me and my girlfriend are 25 and 26 years old. We have been together many years, and as athiests we have decided not to get married, unless maybe it is from a Shaman or something. We both just feel it is disrespectful for us to get married in a church. Anyway, we have a child together (newborn), and we both look very young for our age. I smoked up until about 6 months ago, and I would still get carded everywhere I went. In fact, people often thought my ID was fake when I was purchasing cigarettes or alcohol. Anyway, she has the exact same problem. If we go out to the wine bar together, we get carded every single time. People say we both look about 17 years old. So, I have a very good job, and she is basically a stay at home mom right now, but we are both educated and she also had a very good job. I dropped $1,200 for us to head to a very fancy resort in Sedona for Valentines weekend. I work in a very casual environment (programmer), and I do not have any dress slacks and shirts. We went to Macys tonight so I could get some shoes, slacks, and shirts. We walked around the store for a about 45 minutes without a single salesperson approaching us. After 45 minutes or so I asked a salesperson for some assistance finding black pants with no pinstripes. He then said "we are in a rather expensive section, follow me." I followed him and he took me to the area where pants are $20 on sale. I didn't say anything. After finally finding everything I needed I went to the checkout. The guy at checkout gave me a really great discount (which was awesome), because he had a kid at 17, and he knows what it is like to be a teen parent. When we go out with our kid we get really terrible looks, and I see people talking. We live in a upper-middle class white/republican area of Phoenix. It's really bothering me the way we're being treated. How would you all handle this?


P.S.: We are both 1/2 Mexican as well, with me being a little darker. I have dealt with salespeople following me around stores until I was about 18, but that has been years. I do not think this is discrimination though. I really just think we're looked down upon, even though the fact is that we probably have a lot more financial stability than the salespeople at Macys.

Answer 1

I look a lot younger than I am, too, so I can relate. My first child was born when I was 26 and married - but whenever I took her out on my own, people assumed I was a single teen mother. We live in an upscale area, too - and I enrolled her in some baby gym classes, hoping to meet some other mothers from our community. I couldn't figure out why I was never included when the other moms made lunch dates or play groups - and then I discovered that everyone thought I was the nanny!



But don't worry, it gets better. As people get to know you, and find out who you really are, their first impressions (false as they may be) will fall aside. And as your baby gets older, starts school, and becomes involved in various activities, you'll meet parents of all ages and backgrounds - and the only thing that will matter is what you have in common: your wonderful children. And trust me - looking young is a blessing that you'll really appreciate as you get older!



In the meantime, try not to let things bother you. Just laugh it off, and be confident with who you are. In the big scheme of things, what really matters is that you're wonderful, loving parents and happy, confident people. The opinions of people who don't even know you can't change that!

Answer 2

Well, you can't really control other people's behavior. I'm 24 and just had a baby and I have similar problems with people think that I'm some single teen mother.



As for the salesperson--I wouldn't take it personally. I worked at Macy's in college, and they generally understaff clothing departments. The salesperson has to clear out dressing rooms, ring up customers, straighten merchandise, etc. I rarely had time to cruise around looking to help people. They also don't work on commission so many of them don't badger people.



People do make snap judgments based on how you look. I know I get treated a lot differently in a store based on what I wear. It sucks but that's how it is--if you don't like how you are treated, I would suggest dressing differently. Even if you just want to wear jeans and a shirt, make it some NICE jeans and a NICE shirt--something age appropriate. That's the only thing you can really change because you can't make yourself look older and you can't change the fact that people are going to be ignorant and judgmental.



BUT either way, since you have a good job, a partner, and a wonderful new baby you are probably better off than 99%+ of the people judging you, so who cares? Congrats and try not to let it get you down.

Answer 3

Well, I have to deal with the same sort of thing. While I am only 19, people expect me to act like a typical 19 year old and be an annoying, disrespectful person. However I am far from that. But the way I look says otherwise. I am a rocker, so I have long hair, and my shirts have band names on them and such. So people treat me as if I am a druggy and an overall criminal type of person. I just learn to ignore it because I know that I am most likely a better person than they are anyway. I try really hard to help those in need, so I have no reason to feel bad because others think I am a criminal. I think you should just ignore it and it will eventually go away. It seems like you are intelligent, grounded people, so you don't really need to worry about what they think.



I don't exactly know how to help you much more, but I really want to thank you for respecting religious beliefs by not wanting to get married in a church. I have a lot of respect for you since you respect others boundaries. I hope you find a way that suites you to get legally married (if you want to) as you deserve it :)

Answer 4

Well that does seem to be a problem. It's hard to be taken seriously in an adult environment when people don't think your an adult. I have a similiar problem since i'm a "little asian girl". I find that the best way to cope with this is .. and you may not like it .. but the honest best way is to revamp your *style*.



Yes your style. Clothes, accessories, hair. Changing the way you walk and speak can also help. When you dress like a teen it doesnt matter how old you look you will be treated like one. As a CS major myself I understand the casualness of the programming field but a button up collared shirt with a nice pair of jeans with some dressier (like leather) shoes can go a LONG way in the world. Add a more mature haircut and a nice watch and you'll be guaranteed to get a little more respect. Have your wife get some more tailored looking jeans (the straight leg, but not tight kind) with some low heals or wedges and a nice necklace/bracelet with a mature haircut.



Speaking and acting more mature also help. I'm not saying you act immature, i'm saying you probably could act *more* mature to compensate for your looks. Walk a little straighter, speak with a little more confidence, form your sentences in ways to make the listener comprehend your level of understanding.



These tips are actually pretty easy, you just have to really work at it

Hair - ask a more expensive stylist to give you a "mature adult but stylish haircut" you don't have to have a expensive stylist to maintain it, but to shape it in the first place this is a must!



Clothes - shop in the adult department, no matter your size. Invest in a few pairs of nice jeans, some nice shoes, a nice jacket, and a watch. You don't have to buy a new wardrobe, a few key items can really make a difference in your style.



Just remember, if you look and act more confident and mature than them, then they will think you are, even if your face looks young.

Answer 5

Well my friend in retail this happens all the time the best thing to do is ignore this and let them think what they want. Getting into their crappy behavior is not the right way.



Ok, as far as retail sales go if you walk into a store with classy clothing on see how much more often you get help, rather than coming into the store with casual dress on. If you live in a republican/conservative area then maybe they would look down on you because you are a minority. Sales people often think that minorities won't have as much money as the next white guy.



Regardless of how you dress, look or act I understand what you are saying that you never know how much money someone spends.



Or when a black guy comes into the store, people think that person is going to steal something. It's wrong but every store does this. The best thing to do is ignore it and be a good parent to your kid.



I am atheist too by the way, you don't have to get married in a church, you can go down to city hall and get a certificate as to marriage.

Answer 6

With your parents' permission (or insistence to get the hell out, as it may be), you can legally move out before 18...bun in the oven or not. If you're a pregnant teen, your parents are probably in agreement that it's time for you to grow up and support yourself, so.

Answer 7

I get this all the time too. However, I am 27 next month and have THREE children, lol! They are 6,4 & 7months. I have dealt with this from when I fell pregnant with my daughter and still do now. I just walk confidently, hold my head high and know I have nothing to be ashamed of. People can think what they like and say what they like but they don't know me! I too get asked for ID all the time, but I take it as a compliment! At least I don't look older than my age!



too many people are quick to judge but I dismiss them immediately and only associate with people that accept me for me, and not people that discriminate, even subconsciously, because of my age and family situation

Answer 8

I can relate. I was 26 years old and about 8 months pregnant and I got carded for a rated R movie. I started laughing and asked the guy if he was serious. I was with my husband at the time and we were holding hands and he carded my husband too. Unfortunately for me, that seems like the last time I got carded. I'm almost 31 and with two kids, I feel I now look my age. I think you're right that people think you are younger and don't give you the respect you deserve.



Funny store that relates to yours: My sister worked at a bank and she was amazed to quickly learn how the guy who drove up in a nice car, nice suit, and looked like he had it all together was the one with hardly any money in his account and the gardener that came in with the beat-up truck had loads of money in his checking and savings and was depositing more money while the other guy who looked rich, was trying to figure out how much he could withdraw without going negative in his account. Too funny, right!

Answer 9

It happens all the time - mexican or not, parents or not, if you look like you don't have money, salespeople will not approach you. there's been days i ran out of the house to go shopping looking like a mess while my husband stayed home with the kids - no one approached me to ask me if i needed help. however, if i go dressed nicely with or without the kids, i get approached. they work on commission, don't take it personally. as for the looking like teen parents - who cares? just think you'll look young as you get older and that's not so bad. i had a teacher at my son's school think i was his babysitter not his parent because i look like a kid - and im not! i take it as a compliment. know that you are taking care of your family and that's what counts.

Answer 10

See, I'd be a little more confrontational than the other posters here.



Doesn't mean I'm right.



But I'd not take any crap from the retail store employees, certainly.



I had a woman follow me around a fundraiser one time because I was wearing my husband's camoflauge jacket (sue me; I was cold, lady!) and she was sure that I was some "alternative teenager" that was going to steal something. (I know because I overheard her talking to someone when she thought she was being stealthy.)



For one thing, I'm thirty.

For another, I was there on payroll as a reporter covering the event; which I told her when she came to try to throw me out. I asked for her name with a big smile, and she went white.



I'm a white female, so I'm sure I have less prejudice to deal with than you and your partner might. That's grossly unfair. I'm afraid I don't have much experience on that front.



But I totally get the age thing; as I said, I'm 30 -- and I still get strange looks from random passerby when I'm shopping with my now-12-year-old step-daughter.



I do my best to pleasantly remind people that they're idiots.





BTW - regarding your search for athiestic services, it's totally possible to find something you're happy with. There are many avenues to either officiate or skip altogether a formal wedding.



My husband and I are not atheists, but Gnostics. Not exactly a lot of those services in Tennessee, let me tell you!



We were married formally in a church, but I wrote the entire service myself. Check out the link below for some other ideas that may help...



Instead of dedicating our baby in my birth family's church (as I was), we had our own private "birthday party" for him his first day home. We plan to have a celebration later with our close friends of widely different faiths to announce our support of him as he grows and searches, and our willingness to stand behind him whatever he chooses.



(The running joke between us is that he will grow up to be an evangelical Republican accountant, and we'll have to grit our teeth and follow through as we promised, lol!)



PS - After posting this yesterday, I realize that it may not have sounded the way I meant. I don't mean to imply that there is a single thing wrong with being conservative or religious (or an accountant, for that matter...), just that it's the direct opposite of the way my husband and I have chosen to live, and we'd have to accept our child choosing opposite of our own lifestyle. No offense meant toward anyone!

Answer 11

hate to say this but it is discrimination, ageism to be specific.

there is a way to improve the way people treat you, and that is to dress in a way that looks like you have money.

wear leather look accesories such as shoes, wallets, bags and phone holders. make sure your shirts have collars and wear either comfy slacks or good quality jeans in dark blue with no wear marks (even the trendy ones!)

Answer 12

this is why idiots like you should not be using yahoo answers. very stupid question.





why would you ccare what other people think of you?? and maybe because you ACT like teenagers



why are you explaining yourself to other people if you were mature you wouldn't have to and not think twice about how ppl view you



you look young so what your lucky get the f over it and stop whinnying and try to ask a legit question!





who ever let you have kids?





"I just want to say that I do NOT think any parent should be treated like this unless they are a terrible parent. I am not saying that I shouldn't be treated this way, but teen parents should."

uh way to contradict your self genius!

lol woowwwww!!!!!!



and FYI



YOU are the one thats quick to judge. you are a very big hypocrite

Answer 13

do you think it is acceptable for a teen parent to be treated like this? or are you just having a little rant because YOU are being treated like this? i am 19, and my partner is 22 in a few days. i get treated like this everywhere i go. i get shunned at mother baby places, because the parents are older (so therefore better) than me.



DEAL WITH IT! you are never going to change peoples opinions. just smile and move on.

Answer 14

I know it's hard, but take it as a compliment. The longer you look young, the better!

If you have anyone speak down to you, ask them if they realise how rude they are. Most people will pull their heads in when you pull them up on it. Just say something along the lines of "If you're judging me on how I look, then YOU'RE stupider than YOU look". Harsh, but generally works lol.

Answer 15

Update: Hey Sully. Your mean-spirited comment doesn't take into account that sometimes people just want to know what others out there in YahooLand think. Sometimes people just want to be reassured. SOMETIMES people just want to rant and blow off steam! What gives you the right to blast this guy for asking his question? I've been told throughout my life (and I firmly believe it) that the only stupid question is the one that doesn't get asked.



By the way, since you've taken upon yourself to show how far superior you are in intellect, I'd just like to point out two things to you from your own words.



1) You wrote, "...and i seem smarted then you!" Don't you mean "smarteR thAn you"? If you're going to make the point, then make sure you're above reproach yourself.



2) You pointed out the fact that you're a FORD model who seems "smarted" (sic) than someone else. So are you suggesting that the modeling profession is rife with people of such low intelligence that someone who asks a SUPPOSED dumb question makes you look, by comparison, more intelligent than you really are? Honey, you've just done yourself and everyone within your profession a disservice!



Do yourself and everyone else a favor. Learn to be kind. You can disagree with a person or wish to critically challenge someone, but you don't have to belittle others to get your point across.



Recommended reading: "How to Win Friends and Influence People," by Dale Carnegie.



********************************



Wow...lots going on in your question. There are several things I'd like to respond to (and do so only because you mention them).



1) Marriage isn't reserved for people of faith. Just because you're atheists, that doesn't make you disrespectful or hypocritical if you wish to get married. There are a number of avenues you can take that are devoid of religious content. As long as a person is licensed to marry, you can do so without having it solemnized in a church or religious ceremony. Or you can just continue to live together long enough for your state to recognize your common-law marriage.



2) Welcome to the ranks of "former smoker"!! Good on ya' for quitting, especially since you now have a child. I'd give you a high-five if I could. ; )



3) As someone who looked 16 at the age of 24 (when I got married), I completely empathize with you. But being a woman, I didn't mind so much! hehehe I know it's a bit difficult to deal with now, but you'll be happy when you hit your 30s and 40s and still look like you're in your 20s. It's fun....really! I'm 42 and recently got carded twice within the same day. lol But I understand why you and your girlfriend struggle. It's really rough when people...TOTAL STRANGERS...make snap judgments about you based on what they see. And since you have a child, that only gives people more to talk about. You know what? It's none of their business. You and your girlfriend and the rest of your family and friends know what the deal is. They're the ones who know you all and they're the ones who genuinely care about you. You can't control what others think about you, but you can control your response. I encourage you to just ignore them. Kiss your girl and your baby and smile at those who would disdain you. You know you've got nothing to be ashamed of.



4) The perils of shopping! *sigh* It's a sad reality that retail sales people (especially at the higher-end stores) are conditioned to judge people based on customer image and what they deem as status markers: age, personal hygiene, clothing, jewelry, accessories, etc. The higher the status markers, the more likely they are to believe you've got money to burn...which means a greater profit to the company and a larger commission for the sales person. It sucks. To illustrate this, I did an experiment for a college class many years ago. I enlisted the help of a friend. We went into our town's fanciest retail store one day wearing sweats, jeans, t-shirts, flip-flops, etc. We looked every bit like we were poor college students (which we were, but that's beside the point). We went to several different departments during our 2 hours there. Not ONE person helped us in any department. And when we asked for help, we were given the brush-off. One week later, same day and time, we went back to the store. Only that time we dressed up in our nicest clothes, borrowed some fancy purses, got dolled up with make-up, etc. We weren't in the store more than 5 minutes before we had several salespeople ask us if we needed help. And guess what? They were the SAME PEOPLE we had seen working the week prior. Very sad. But it proved my point, and I got an A on my project.



So, this leaves you with a couple options when you go shopping (since you're likely to experience the same thing). a) You can let it bug you that people judge you but not say anything. b) You can not let it bug you, but still not say anything, and let yourself be led to other departments (even if you don't want the other ones). c) You can kindly, but firmly, inform the salespeople that you'd prefer to look at clothing in a higher price range. If he/she helps you, great...sale made. d) If not, inform them you'll be taking your business elsewhere...after you've flashed your wad of cash or platinum Visa. Then leave. ; )



Again, you can't control what others think, but you can control what you think about yourself. YOU know who you are. Don't let others get under your skin because of their own ignorance or prejudices. And make no mistake...it IS discrimination. I'm sorry you and your girl have to deal with that. Just keep holding your head up. Don't let the lesser behavior of others dictate your feelings or actions. If you want to give your community a chance and perhaps influence their way of thinking, then prove to them you guys are better than they are. Reach out to them in friendship. Show them they're wrong by being friendly, welcoming, accepting, kind, helpful, etc. You'd be surprised at how one little act of kindness can change a person's whole outlook. Not just their opinion about you guys...but about others, as well.



I wish you all the best.



P.S. I'm an upper-middle class, white Republican Christian woman... and I think you're cool. ; )

Answer 16

for real its probably cause you're mexican.. seriously.