a LOT to read but I NEED suggestions, answers, HELP!!! PLEASE!?

Question

i dont really know where to start, so maybe with a litte background info. I'm 21, live with my mom & sibs ONLY because I'm a college student & trying to take care of an 18 mo. old @ the same time. but what I need is a way out. I can already see the wave of "get off your butt & quit mooching"...'lazy'...'denial'.... *eye roll* "shoulda kept your legs closed" "where theres a will theres a way" "stop making excuses" "get a job"...and the 10 million other paint-me-as-the-badguy things I've been told so far, so please try to listen & help, NOT judge. my baby was a rape baby I never chose to make her but I just couldnt give my flesh n blood to a stranger so I kept her. But now, living in my mom's house, is getting unbearable. She controls my every move, borrows most of my $(w/kickout threats if I dont give) never to be seen again & asks for me to pay groceries on top of it(which I mind a LOT less than the "borrowing").She plays mindgames with me, interrupts CONSTANTLY
......more

Answer 1

I hate to promote the "get on welfare" but single moms can get genuine help and become independant with the help of the government. It is very difficult but it works. Start with the local county AFDC (Aid for Families with Dependant Children), Food Stamps, Medicaid, Childcare Assistance Programs, HUD, Section 8 housing, Homeless and Needy services. You can go to a women's and children shelter with your child if you really want to get drastic and accusatory towards mom about abusivness. You can get Pell grants for school, finish your degree, then get a decent job and get off all the government programs and become something. Single moms can really get some genuine help, but it takes a lot of paperwork filling out and you have to keep asking questions to get the answers you want. Good Luck

Answer 2

Well first of all...I didn't see when you would graduate? If it's not too far away then why not just stay where you are for now? If it is a long time why don't you consider holding off on school for a while. You would be able to get a job (even working at a fast food restaraunt or two) and be able to support your child. I don't know where you live so I have no idea how much the cost of living is. Why don't you consider getting on low income housing? I don't like people who use the government for the wrong reasons but I think you would really benefit from trying. At least until you were able to get on your feet. There will be alot of people telling you that they (taxes) are paying to raise your child but who honestly really cares what they say? You did great by taking care of your child. I have no idea how hard it would be to make that decision but I believe you did the right thing. Now you just have to make sure that you give her the life she deserves and get her out of that house. Good luck with everything though.

Answer 3

Being a single parent and going to school is difficult, yet you are doing it to better your life and your child's life, keep that in front of all the time! --- You are doing a good thing...---

This is an investment in your future, a very good investment!!! Stay Focused !!!! Don't let anyone talk you out of this or any other of your dreams, especially cuz of there own misery.. wish the best for them, see them being happy and moving on, or helping...



Creating a support network is so important as a single mom!! Maybe you could even find another and you could share/trade childcare, apts, anything to get you into a more positive environment.

There should be support groups for women in similar situations, if not Start One!!!



Check with Student Services, county or state resources, there are usually help for those doing what you are in terms of school, child-care, etc...



If you can not create a way to move out with another more supportive person, try to be somewhere else most the time, with your kid if possible..



Maybe even put an add in the school paper, bulletin board, put it 'out there' that you need a more supportive living environment, it WILL come to you when you believe it, create it, visualize, Know it will happen for you...

Get the movie The Secret should be a good resource for you.

You will find someone else that you can share this time with that will help you and make it fun even!!

Answer 4

That is not a good atmosphere in which to raise a healthy baby.



Tell your mom she's getting no more money from you. Tell her you will buy your own groceries but lend her no more money. If she complains, tell her you will help with the housekeeping, which is fair. Don't fall victim to mind games. When she starts, clam up and go do something else. Be consistent. Never stoop to her level.



If she persists, you persist right back and let her make her "kick out" threats. See if she will carry through with them. She either won't, in which case you can stand your ground and not have to worry about it. Or she will, in which case you should go to your local woman's shelter and tell them you were kicked out of your home. They will assist you in getting on your feet and being independent.



In the long run, this is the best thing you can do for your baby.

She is learning about life from you. When you show strength and determination and a strong will, she will learn to do the same.



If you have friends to turn to, now might be a good time to seek their support. Promise them that it will only be short-term and you will pay them back.



It's difficult enough to raise a baby when you're married and have support. Your situation is really tough and your mother should be supporting you. You may be happier living on your own, even if you are on a very tight budget and have to share an apartment with roommates.

I wish you all the strength to get through this. You sound like you are trying to do your best. In that, you are setting the best example for your child that a child could have. I commend you for that.

Answer 5

Many years ago I was in your shoes, I could have wrote every word (except I hadn't been raped) anyway it is hard and there are some things you won't be able to change (like what people are saying). There are some things that you can change though so focus on them. First be the best mother you can be, babies grow up fast. (And put the rape to rest, the little one doesn't need to live with that burden, and neither do you, that only allows the rapist to continue to have power in your life). Talk to your mom about how much money she expects you to give her each week, or month, then decide if it is more economical to stay in her house or move out. Then if you agree to pay your mother a set amount for your share of the expenses, you are also paying for the freedom to make your own decisions. Don't be to proud to ask for help, but don't let the help slow down your motivation. Do the best you can do in college, stay focused, and graduate so you and your child can make it without having to depend on anyone else. If you do this then you can make choices that you can't make when someone else is paying your way. Probably the most important thing is to put God first in your life, He is amazing and with Him we are never alone. He will give you His Holy Spirit to be inside you always guiding you and protecting you . There isn't space here to tell you all the wonderful ways He is here for us, so please, please find a good church where they teach from the Bible and become a regular face there, God will do the rest. My prayers are that you will have a wonderful future because you have found and excepted Jesus as your Saviour. God Bless After reading your p.s. - If there is violence in the house it is important that you GET OUT ASAP - your child could get hurt. Look at what your families actions are teaching this child. No respect or love for each other, this surely isn't what you have planned for your daughter. I watched a young mother go through school and her children went through many sitters, no stability in the home, no rules, alot of bad influences, this young women finished school and is now self supporting but her children are out of control. It is hard for them now to try to live a life with any sense of normalcy after growing up with so much chaos. It takes time to change bad habits. This mother is turning her life and the kids life around since she found Christ. (He is the BEST Counselor).

Answer 6

The dilemma here you made, you are not a child and I am sorry that you had to have a child that was the product of rape, but it wasn't that child's fault and your little drama isn't the child's fault either. As far as being in college with an 18 month old, girl, you have it made, there is a such thing as welfare and child support, yeah, the rapist should pay child support. Okay, you are in college, there are low or free childcare services offered to anyone wanting to continue their education and with a child. Stop being depressed, there are also low income and reduced rent apartments in every state, county and city, get it together, do your research and use the system while you can. There is nothing holding you back but your own inhibitions, loose them. Be a parent, be a grown up, raise your child and protect your child and make that child have a better life, because of your going on to be somebody. You can do it, forget the drama and all the other crap, it is about YOU and your Child. God Bless.

Answer 7

Hey ,you sound just like me.I'm a 23 year old with 3 sons and at one point I had one son and 8 siblings all of us living in one house.I signed up for public housing and 1 year and a half later , My son and I were out of my moms house , and i WAS IN SCHOOL PAYING 104. FOR MY RENT IN A VERY NICE APT!The best advice I can give you is to constantly pray and cut your classes a little. As a single parent we all wish we could go to school or work more or something but that's where the sacrifices comes in . In order for you to keep your sanity,you should consider cutting your classes and working and saving.Then maybe apply for some government housing. Let me just say being stressed all the time will make it very hard to succeed in life , you've first have to get rid of all the access stress in you guys life.Trust a young women who has been there.

Answer 8

First, I will praise you for keeping the baby. I don't know if I could do it. Second, you have to get out of there. Since your mom takes mist of your money you probably don't have alot of money to move out on your own. This doesn't sound like a place your baby's needs to be either. You should try your local Family support office. Sometimes they can help people in your situation, especially since you are a single mother and a student. If they cant help try some churches. If all else fails, try looking into your local Low Income Housing. I know its probably not what you want. But it would be a place of your own until you can save to get on your feet. Take care of yourself and the baby and GOOD LUCK in whatever you decide to do.

Answer 9

Okay first of all do not think i am judging you because im not. I am 18 have 2 kids and have never worked a day in my life..there for i have no room to judge but honey the only thing I can real see for you to do is get a job and move out. Now there are govt. assistance programs that you could use just until you get on your feet. Yes I know that welfare and food stamps tend to be embarrasing to get but heres the thing...if you love your daughter you will do it anyways. The environment you described is not good for her to be in. you may not want to cut down on classes because of your dream but guess what..sometimes dreams have to remain just that..dreams! No you did not make the choice to get pregnant but you did make the choice to keep the baby. Now it is your responsibility to do whatever you can to bring her up right. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh because I dont want it to. I hope you figure it out

Answer 10

Well I admire you for keeping your baby reguardless of how she was conceived. In my state there is so much out there for single moms and for a lazy single who just wants to mooch off the state I would not give this advice but you are clearly trying to make a better life for your child. Call the Dept of Health and Human services and see what they have to offer you. They will pay rent..foodstamps...wic...help with college tuition and daycare. Just call them make an appt, tell them your situation and see what they can do for you. At least you will be someone that is using the system for the reason why it was set up. Your mom is going to keep using you as long she sees she can. I would honestly tell them about your sister to and maybe they can suggest some programs for her to your mom.

Answer 11

Seeking out your campus counselor is a good place to start. They can in turn help guide you to a professional in the community that may have many resources at their disposal to help with things like housing, finances, parenting support as well as maybe pastoral support through a local ministry or church. One thing you can not do, is to allow your family to make you feel at all guilty for making the necessary changes in yours and your babys life so that the both of you can move on to better circumstances. It may be something extremely hard to do, but if it comes down to it and it could, you may need to contact social services concerning your family i.e. mom and other siblings.



By the way, staying in school is a great thing for you and your baby, but if you have to stop for a time please don't let that discourage you as you do have plenty of time to finish. It is never too late to go back and complete your education. Whatever you do however, for the sake of you and your baby do it soon. Life does not have to be this way. I am 56 yrs. old and am finally getting to finish my Masters degree.

So hang in there and God bless you and your baby. There is a way out of this situation and into a better one.

Answer 12

Can you move in with your Grandma? Try and find some daycare that would allow you to pack her lunch. I think it is against the law to turn babies down without immunizations, especially since she has had problems. Will a Dr. give you a waiver slip? This sounds strrange, but if you go to a Crisis Pregnancy Center that does not support abortion, and explain your situation, they may be able to help you find resources. If you don't get help there, try churches...keep looking until you can get out of that situation. Your baby doesn't need to hear your mom put you down.

Answer 13

I concur with John M. Welfare/ foodstamps/childcare was inacted yrs ago for people in your situation. Welfare is there to help those that want and need the help, not a way of life. In your case your taking several classes and you are in an unfortunate situation, by all means get all you can and get educated so you can live the life you deserve.



Might I comend you on the decision to keep your baby. I know its tough, but that life you care for makes it all worth it and one day, it will pay off.



May I also extend to you an invitation to accept Christ as your Lord and Saviour? Jesus Christ died for you in order to pay your sin debt, because all are sinners from birth. Salvation is a gift of God Thru Christ all you have to do is Repent, and confess, ( turn from your sin ) and Christ will save you. I urge you, if you are not a Christian, find a local new testiment church and go, you and your child will be better for it. The best help for you is not of this world it is of God the father thru his son Jesus...



God Bless you dear







d

Answer 14

OMG. This is so overwhelming to read, and must be so so overwhelming to live. If you are totally convinced that no matter what, your baby will get everything he needs for his whole life, and you will never ever resent him for how he was conceived, then try to get into a young mothers group, a mothers group home, or even a good shelter. Get educated, work, learn how to care for your precious baby properly, and learn how not to repeat what you came from. If there is any doubt that you can do all of this successfully, then consider placing your baby for adoption with a couple prepared to parent, keep up with you baby, recieve counseling, and move on with your life. But most of all, never ever refer to this baby as a rape baby again.

Answer 15

First off was this a "date rape" baby or were you raped by a complete stranger? If you actually knew the person that raped you then you should be able to get some financial help from him. You mentioned that your sister lived with your grandmother, maybe that's an option for you and the baby. Give up the pipe dream of becoming famous, you need maybe take less classes and get a job.

Answer 16

I understand it is hard I was in a similar situation with my mom also, but what you could do is use public assistance to your advantage, they will pay for your child to attend childcare and they will give you finacial help to find a place until you finish school, because your mom is being unfair she should respect the fact that you are trying to better yourself instead on being a statistic. Keep your head up everything will work out.

Answer 17

Whoa, whoa, whoa...it's all about me, right? Hey, ya have a baby to take care of. Hey, who comes first...the helpless baby or you?? Get a life. Speaking from experience, you must 1) Get a job; 2) there is subsidized daycare available in all not-for-profit daycares; 3) a school class at a time, not seven. We all want to have graduated yesterday. Ain't gonna happen when you have a child (and who cares how she got here?) Your baby should be NUMBER ONE and ex-posing her to the household you described is unfathomable.

Get with it, and take care of your creation; she can't take care of herself. You brought her into this world, she's your responsibility. Grow up, be a mom, and be a d+++good one!

She will be learning from what she sees you doing. You, and only you, have the responsibility to help her grow up to be the best that she can be, period!

Answer 18

You mentioned that you're in college. Most schools have counseling and financial advisers provided free to the students. As a single parent, (which is how you should think of yourself, not as someones daughter or sister) there are numerous sources of aid available to help you live on your own. Have the professionals at your school help you find them. Staying with family only makes sense if they are helping you, it sounds as if yours are too wrapped up in their own issues to be of any assistance. Also, many schools have child care available for students while they are in class, see if yours does. Going it alone won't be easy, but it sounds as if your family is making it harder for you than it would otherwise be.

Answer 19

Do you want to get out of your mothers house or do you want to get out of being a parent..?



If you want to get out of your mothers house.. Do you own a car.? If you do then I would say pack up and live in it for awhile.. Serious. People have done it.



Do you want to get out of being a mother. If you do then do it fast. That 18 month old is over a year and knows who its mommy is. The older that child gets the harder it will be on them to adjust to being sent somewhere else.



Will your mother take the child for you and raise.? If so then let her.. Like I said pack up the car, leave the baby with her and live at a truck stop or a rest area.



Your going to college.. Is there no housing on campus for you and the baby.. Or low income housing that you can move into. Even with out the baby you still could get low income housing..



Until then hide your money, lie about your paycheck, stay out of the house as much as possible. Go to the library, or park with the baby, Tell your mom you are doing home work at the library



Good Luck and you should find counseling.

Answer 20

I would suggest that you seek some counselling. Often you can find free or low-cost counselling in your community (maybe Planned Parenthood could point you in the right direction) or on your college campus. This sounds like a really serious problem that will affect your life (and your baby's life), so I would suggest going to a professional. Don't worry - therapy can really help, and you should never be ashamed to ask for help when you need it.

Answer 21

How very overwhelming for you and for your precious daughter. I'm not sure what state you live in but you should contact your local welfare agency, now known as department of human services. They can help you with money for housing, (tell them you need a place to live) childcare, and food. Your child can also qualify for WIC. (women infant and children) http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/howtoapply/default.htm

It sounds like you love you daughter very much to work so hard for her. You need to get yourself and her out of that house before it's too late. As someone else posted, you can check into child support if you know who the man was who raped you, but keep in mind that if he pays you support he will have rights to see the child. Your best bet is to stay clear of him anyway! Check out your local churches and do whatever it takes to get away from the hell your child and you are living in. I dread to think of what may happen to your baby when you are not around. My prayers are with you. You are doing a good job....just try to get away soon! Feel free to email anytime for support.

Answer 22

There are several organizations within your community that you can go for help. Catholic charaties, american red cross, any local woman shelter. Dont be ashamed if you do need to accept help from social services either. I dont promote this but its a great thing to help when you need a hand. It is hard to hold down school, a job, and care for your child. Living with your parents while you try to raise your own can be difficult to do. Keep faith, contact local agencies to see what they can do to help. Good luck with everything!

Answer 23

Honey it sounds like you're in a really awful situation.



I wish I could help you, but it sounds like you're in the USA and I'm in Australia and not familiar with the services on offer there...my understanding is that the USA doesn't have very good services, which makes me really angry, because you deserve all the help you can get.



I really hope you can continue with your studies and get into a better situation. Sounds like you'd be better off out of that abusive household, but it can be hard. I wish you the very best of luck.

Answer 24

Proud of you for keeping your baby. I know its hard, is there an organization that can help get you set up in your own apartment?

Like welfare or some church, maybe fish organization?

I would call around, it really sounds like you need to be on your own. Also I would seek some counseling or have some one to talk to you have gone through allot.

Best Wishes

Morgaine

Answer 25

Poor thing - but don't dwell on it.

Straighten up (literally) and tell yourself to be strong until you are through with your college. I admire your strong will to finish college.

So you have to be strong to hold out at home. Can you not ignore most of it? try.

After college you will have to land a job and establish yourself, before you can give up "mother's home" Just be convinced : there is a bright light for you and your kid in the future.

Good luck and God Bless

Answer 26

What I would do..

Take fewer classes, move out, move in with a relative

or close friend who will treat you better. Maybe even get a job.

-- Good luck. P.S. your mom sounds like a control freak

that needs to get a second job..

Answer 27

talk to your local ...well I don't know what it is called where you are but it helps with money for low income. It is possible they can help you with housing and money. You need to get out of this situation. Even go to your local church to get help. They may be able to point you in the right direction for help. Talk to your school counsellor they could help too. There is help to get you out of these situations you just need to find the right person to ask

Answer 28

Sweetie, if you afford to move out, I think that would be your best option. I don't think your mom is treating you fairly. She should be supportive of the fact that you made a difficult choice to keep your baby and to continue your education.

Answer 29

this is called life.

even if its hard, live it.

If u care about ur 18 month baby so much, am sure ur mom has even better feelings for u.

if u r being pushed, bear it.

Independence is not required from dear ones.....the sooner u know of it and bear ur moms hassles.....the better.

Answer 30

look just move out and find you a 1 bdrm apt I want to congrad you on going to college unlike most people who give up after having a child...............pick your self up pat your self on the back and get you own................like my mom once told me .................there aint nothing like you own................and when you get your own stay there no matter what start looking ASAP because as the days go on its only going to get worse

Answer 31

Get the hell out of that house and that way your mom will stop manipulating you!

Answer 32

yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah.....I read up until you claimed your kid is a "rape baby". Are you sure about that? Look, you need to just GET OVER YOURSELF and STOP WHINING and B!TCHING about your life. If you want things to be better, you're going to have to stop telling yourself "you can't afford to work". Are you freaking SERIOUS? I cannot believe you're complaining about having to pay for your own groceries!!! LOL Welcome to life, little girl!!!!! You chose to "open your legs" and have a kid, so you also chose the consequences. Live with it.

Answer 33

Your mom sucks. Sorry but she is the one that needed to keep her legs closed. (Don't take that the wrong way)