How do I deal with my son?

Question

He was suspended from school, again.This time he was mad and yelled in class that he was going to kill the MF that stole his pencil. This is the last chance school. He is 17 and will be 18 on 3 months. He is already grounded till Jan 20th for being late. Grounded means no computer, tv, phone, company, leaving, electronic games. What more can I do to help him see he HAS to grow up and behave? The only thing I can think of is to give him kitchen duty, cooking,and cleaning, till he is no longer suspended. He HATES kitchen duty. Please help with any ideas. He does admit what he did was wrong but he can't seem to stop himself!

Answer 1

He needs to see a psychiatrist. Please do it soon. He needs help and what you are doing obviously isn't working. Maybe he has learning disabilities that is fueling his anger. Maybe he is bipolar. Maybe he has problems with depression. I think at this point punishing him isn't worth it, you need to find the root of the problem. I'm sure he knows what he is doing is wrong...hope this helps.



Reading the second blurb, It really sounds like bipolar. My Nephew has problems with this too and I think you have to try as hard as possible to help him before he turns 18!! Then it is very difficult to help him because I don't think you can make him get help? Can you locate a Dr. that specializes in ADD or BiPolar? A lot of times you can find a good newsgroup that can steer you toward a great dr. or ideas. I know there is a website for BiPolar disorder and depression. Don't give up!! I really don't think punishment is going to help at this point. I think he needs help! Aren't there any resources at the h.s? Have you contacted the local hospital for ideas?

Answer 2

Does he sometimes seem to have ADHD but doesn't seem to have it all the time? He is old enough that he should be able to stop himself but he just doesn't seem to have any impulse control right? Kitchen duty isn't a bad idea but I would include making him write you essays in his punishment. Ask him to write you a whole page or two on how his behavior made the teacher and the other students feel and another on what could happen if he says things like that, what will people think of him and what could they do to him. As tempting as it is to come down harder, he will only get angry and be even more self-destructive. Approach him with the respect you would give him if he were a doctor or something. No one wants to disappoint those who respect them and if he feels respected he is more receptive to help, and to making positive changes.

I would take him to his doctor and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. Bipolar disorder and some other types of depression can actually look like ADHD or anger management in young people and these behaviors cause real problems that can have a dramatic effect on his life forever. When I met my husband, he told me he had ADD but was taking Adderall and it was better. He then proceeded to do all sorts of weird things over the next few years (including messing up his credit and getting into trouble and getting fired) until I dragged him to the doc. He has bi-polar disorder and with the right treatment is now a really great husband and friend.

Your son is becoming a man, ready or not, and you need to do what you can to get him to understand this but he is, after all, a man and as much as we don't want our kids to suffer or face hardship, life will surely teach him what you weren't able to.

Best wishes

Answer 3

Has he seen a psychologist? They can be very helpful at giving him an outlet to speak what is on his mind and to help him cope and manage his emotions. My son went to a counselor and it really helped him. He still has an anger problem but now he has better skills to manage it.



Good luck and I understand your frustration. However, I don't think giving him more chores to do is going to get to the root of the problem, although I think it's great at keeping him busy and there's nothing wrong with that. Still, there could be other things troubling him that are preventing him to be the best that he can be.



Has he been tested for ADD or ODD? I have Attention Deficit myself, so I've done a lot of research. Sometimes people with ADD or ADHD don't think before reacting and thus, say the most inappropriate thing -- even when it's not entirely what they mean. They then feel guilty and sorry for saying such outlandish things.



Edit: I just read your additional details and think that maybe you should take more drastic measures. Would you consider some type of boot camp or even a military school? My friend's son went to military school as a last chance thing, which I thought was really strange at the time. However, it turned him around one hundred percent and she said it was the best thing she could have done for him. He's went on to college, when before it wouldn't even have been an option.



I think those are extremely expensive. However, your son is so worth it and there is something more going on in his brain than he is able to tell you or that he even knows. Deep down I think he is crying out for some kind of help.



I really feel for you because I understand. My son had so many problems the first few years of his schooling. The principal was calling me two to three times a week and it made me just so sick. However, therapy has really helped my son and he's doing a lot better now. He still sometimes blurts out weird stuff but he controls himself so much more now.

Answer 4

Has he had any counselling? Do you mean what you say and say what you mean or do you give in when you don't want to deal with it?



We are supposed to have freedom of speech in the USA and while the child probably didn't truly mean what he said, the statement was no doubt perceived as a threat under our zero tolerance rules. The best thing I can recommend is that you

have him write down what he does wrong and then work with him to help him develop proper reactions and responses to those actions. For example: Have him write down the statement he made about the pencil. Then have him write how he would have responded to someone else if they had made the same statement or accused him or stealing his pencil. Then ask him to write what kind of response he would deem an appropriate response based first on his feelings and second on his fact grounded argument.



Additionally, you might send him to the States Attorney's office and have them tell him what kinds of things are crimes and what the punishments are. Then give him alternative actions he could take that might solve the problem through the proper and legal channels. Oh, and for every decision, there is a consequence. So have him write the pros and cons of every action he wants or thinks he should take and teach him to choose the one with the best consequences. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Sit down with him and have an "adult" conversation. Let him know that in 3 months he is going to be an adult and therefore has to start acting like one.

Talk about what his path in life will be. What does he want to do? What is his plan after h.s.? Let him know that if he wants any life whatsoever, that he's got to get his act together.

Guide him towards setting some career goals that will motivate him and keep him focused. Inform him, that unless he graduates high school, he will never be successful and never achieve these goals. These days its hard enough to get by without a college degree, much less a high school diploma.

If he doesn't have a clue as to what he wants to do, suggest the military. He will get much needed discipline, and in a couple years, when he's figured out what he wants, he will have some options.



At this age grounding him is not going to change anything. If the career discussion does not go over well, try involving a counselor or academic advisor.

Answer 6

Grounding your son or prescribing kitchen duty isn't going to work. Your son is almost 18 and has major anger issues. The best thing that you can do for your son is get him some therapy. You need to do this NOW. He needs to learn positive ways to deal with his anger and if he doesn't he will end up hurting someone. I know it's hard to admit the extent of his problem, but you need to get real about it. He wouldn't be in a last chance school if he didn't have history of unacceptable behavior. You can't ignore it anymore, get your son some help. Please keep in mind that I am not criticizing you as a parent, I just think you need to get more aggressive for everyone's sake. Good luck!

Answer 7

Being a parent to a teenager now a days is hard, but talk to him, let him know all the things he is doing bad and reassure him you love him always, even when he does bad things and gets you mad. Apologize to him if you have ever called him something bad. Have a heart to heart talk with him. I am sure that might not be the only solution, but also think about the idea of military school, before he turns 18. Also look for a family counselor, that will help too. I know it's hard, I have a teenager, I have one too and he drives me insane sometimes and I feel I am being tough on him but every night I talk to him about why I reacted the way I did when he did something.

Remember : All kids need to be disciplined with one hand and loved with the other

Good Luck

Answer 8

Wow, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. The teen years can be very difficult - it sounds like your son may be having a harder time than most. I recommend taking him to a therapist. If you don't have good insurance, see if the school can help. He needs some coping skills.



I recently read that the frontal lobe of the brain is not full developed until around age 25. The frontal lobe is what moderates impulse control - like your son not "being able to stop himself". I'm not sure what this means in terms of parenting, but it may relieve him to know that it is at least partially a physical issue.



That being said, his reactions seem to be on the extreme end of adolescent behavior. I'm not sure if it is just hormones and brain development that are contributing to such extreme anger. I think he should be evaluated and helped by a professional. Good luck and hang in there!



Remember, this, too, shall pass.

Answer 9

Taking things away , and grounding has neer been a successful means of changing a child's behavior. We don't want to hurt our kids, just make them understand there are consequences for our actions.



That said, what you should be doing is Talking away, not Taking away.



How much time do you spend talking to your son? Not yelling but discussing? His reasons for the behaiours? Is he having trouble in class? Is he having a hard time relating to others? Is there something bothering him?



Do you talk about his hopes, dreams, what makes him happy in life? Where does he see himself after high school and what are you both doing to see that he achieves those aspirations? It's up to you as the parent , not him as the child to set up " Life skills" for him to use in these situations and in the following adult life that is soon approaching.



Really talk to your son, like an equal but a parent.. you can catch more flys with honey than vinegar....



good luck!

K

Answer 10

Parenting is always a very hard job. What works with one don't do a thing for another. When I was a teen, I had a very hot (Red Hot) temper. One of the reasons was because My parents were violent and abusive. I got interested in psychology and I learned that emotion are a personal decision we all make. After that I started making better decisions. My anger was much slower after that. We are all different though.

Answer 11

It seems very obvious to me that your son has some pent up rage. Has something happened(that you know about)?

Threatening someone's life over a pencil is a bit extreme, don't you think?

If he isn't willing to open up to you(which is perfectly normal-- he is after a teenage boy), then perhaps you can look into some sort of counselling.

The good thing is that he recognizes that he has a problem that he can't control, that is the first step.

You need to get to the bottom of this rage, otherwise it will get worse.



Good Luck to you and I wish you and your son all the best.

Answer 12

An anger management class may help, it sounds like hes just having trouble in that department. Counceling and anger management are the two best things to do if your serious about getting past this.

Or sit down and talk to him about it, punishment will not always work in these types of situations.

Answer 13

Tell him the day he turns 18 he has to get a job and he has about a year to save up and move out.

He is acting like a 10 year old. Getting ajob will introduce him to the real world and see that people will not put up with this crap. Having to survive on his own will be the wake up call he needs. Otherwise you will be stuck with an 18 year old with the behaviour of a 10 year old for a very long time. As long as he knows he can get away with this behaviour he wont change it.

Answer 14

unfortunatly he will soon be 18 and probably just leave if you continue to punish him so the best thing is let him go out on his own and see how hard it really is and if he decides to come back let him as long as he continues school or get a job and shape up or hes out of the house again till he does get his act together

Answer 15

he has a temper problem.

check the diet (eliminate sugar, caffeine)

eliminate overstimulation.

of course a kid that age can always run away.

spend every waking moment you can with him.

gently talking and using love an empathy.

consider having him work outside the home.

you can't actually 'make' him do anything.

he will figure this out.

he has a temper self-control problem.

he needs counseling

crainial-sacral therapy

you could consider kicking him out when he is 18

Answer 16

What about anger management classes?That will work for his additude.What about of job core?they will teach him about disipline,he will get his GED,he will get a job,they will give him $350.00 every 6 months for clothes,etc.It is very good.Long as he is does not have a court date coming up he is fine.

Answer 17

i think you should try and take him to some sort of behavioral classes because he never find a job if he keeps having these outbursts and learn to have control over his temper but easy said and done when there this age

Answer 18

He seems to be having some anger management problems. Why don't you try therapy, that might help him figure out different ways to deal with his anger. Talk to your doctor about it and they should be able to give you some advice.

Good luck to you

Answer 19

HI, DOSE NOT SEEM THAT BY GROUNDING IS WORKING. WHY DO YOU SET AND TALK TO YOUR SON AND SEE WHAT IS REALLY GO ON IN SIDE OF HIM. TELL HIM THAT YOU LOVE HIM AND YOU WHAT TO KNOW WHAT IS THE MATTER. HAVE A HART TO HART WITH HIM. TALK TO DON'T YELL AT HIM JUST TALK. IN MY HOUSE TALK GOES A LONG WAY.

Answer 20

Sounds like he needs anger management classes for that incident in school. I would see about putting him in some kind of military school his last semester if thats available to you. I guaranetee they will straighten him up

Answer 21

Please look into Asperger Syndrome. Does he understand the consequences to his actions? Is there any subject in school that he really excels in or really likes? My nephew has this syndrome and sounds a bit like your son.

Answer 22

Kick his a s s out for a week, so he can see how un-tough he really is. Then tell him the next time he doesn't get to come back so have fun being a loser the rest of your life.

Either that or send him to military scool

Answer 23

It sounds like there is something eating away at him. Take him to speak with a professional.

Answer 24

Get him some anger management classes and be more stircter in your discipline.

Answer 25

welcome him to the real world.. Start charging him for rent and food make him do his own wash at the laundrymat do it for six months charge him for rides make him experience life on his own as much as you can so he will realise how poor he will be without an education..

Answer 26

TAKE HIM TO A COUNSELOR OR A TEEN PSYCHIATRIST MAYBE THERES SOMETHING GOING ON WITH HIM IF NOT TRY TO TALK TO HIM

Answer 27

Se a phyciatist there is something bothering him...

Answer 28

Give him up for adoption. Or teach him a hard lesson! You are not putting your foot down for him to know you're the boss!

Answer 29

when he turns 18 make him move out.

Answer 30

you should talk to him and try to find the reason for his behavior

Answer 31

well i think u shuld talk to him very seriusly .....or say that ur tird of his s h i t......n give me his nimba i love bad a s s's LOL

Answer 32

Ask him why he's so mad.