I have a child with no empathy?

Question

I have a 16 year old boy I have been taking care of for the last 2.5 years. He seems really charming and sweet to people that meet him, but he has absolutely no empathy or compassion for anyone, including his biological mother, or myself who is now solely taking care of him.

His bio mother is an alocholic and drug user, as was his biological dad. Both were using while he was conceived and as a fetus. He has a short temper, no ability to figure out cause and effect. He was heavily sexually abused by an "uncle" from the time he was 11 to 13 and says he wanted the sex because he got nice things out of it.

He has problems with telling lies. He actually will lie about the dumbest of things and gets angry when caught. He will tell you he's being honest even if there is a room full of people who saw him do it. He's a master manipulator that can turn any situation around to make it look like you are crazy and have mental issues. He never says sorry, and says if he hurts someone, physically or mentally that its "their issue" and they need to get over it. He can scream horrible things one minute and then two minutes later be there smiling.

If he can hurt you emotionally he will sit there with a smug look on his face and brag about it, both to you and others. He says he doesn't feel love for anyone but his mother and the "uncle" that molested him repeatedly.

He generally tries to sneak off to have sex with a list of girls that all think he loves them, and think they are the "only one". When they find out they've been used he says they were lucky to be with him for that night, or that weekend or whatever and to quit whining about being lied to and used.

He is extremely stuck on himself. He spends an hour in front of the mirror each morning, and freaks out if one little hair is out of place. He will tell you and anyone that listens to him that he's the hottest guy out there and that he can get any girl at any time.

I love this kid, but I am being driven nuts by the lying, the lack of emotion (other than anger) and the sneaking around and trying to constantly have sex. The therapist says he has no compacity to show empathy and has Reactive attachment disorder and possible BPD. Add in the fact that he hurts animals and kids and I am frustrated.

Also, he is currently clean and sober, but in the past was an extremely heavy drinker ( DUI at 14) and drug user ( Pot, huffing freon, sniffing paint, and glue, mushcrooms, acid a couple times as well as abusing his "uncles" stash of Oxies and norco pain pills for a couple years.

Has anyone had success in dealing with a child like this and making a break through? I am on my last nerve with it. I would hate to make him leave, but my self esteem is shot, I am tired of wondering if I am going to get hit, and the fighting is driving me nuts. I have three other sons that I raised from toddlers and they are turned out fine and went on to good lives. I can not figure this kid out.


Any ideas???

Answer 1

I wish I had better ideas to share, I take care of my adopted brother who has equally disturbing but different issues.



You know that what you have here is a long and difficult future ahead of you both. It's important that you be healthy and be there for him though. It's not likely that these issues will be fixed before he is 18, maybe by 21 or 25 if he has a really lucky life and he tries hard.



It's most likely that he will be lying, cheating, manipulating and taking the hard road in life while creating pain for everyone around him for many years. The best thing that you can do is to take time for yourself to recharge (As often as possible!) and Read Read Read Read Read books about Reactive Attachment and BPD. Read books, read articles, subscribe to journals, watch movies, and keep talking to people who deal with similar problems.



He will need love and support more than 99% of other people out there but you have to keep learning new ways of handling the trouble he is going to get himself into.



Try hard to inspire him to know that there is a different way to live and it's up to him to figure out what that is.

Answer 2

that's a very good question. I would just focus on teaching them about other ppl in general, that other ppl don't have what they have, in some ways. I would teach them to be thoughtful and giving, and I think empathy will be natural then. Like, for Christmas, if you're financially sound, maybe find a program, where you can take presents to a family who can't afford them. If your children are old enough, they can help pick out the presents, and really feel involved in making someone else's life better. I think empathy will come, from being an unselfish, giving thoughtful person, which of course, you'd love your children to be.

Answer 3

I don't have much advice, but I want to offer my sympathy. I am a teacher and I have a student that fits this description in my class. I can't imagine how difficult it is to parent a child who has these kinds of issues.



Reactive Attachment Disorder sounds very likely. That is what the student in my class was diagnosed as having. I would recommend finding a school that has a behavioral treatment program, if possible (I don't know what is available in your area). Other than that, I am not sure. The guardian of my student says that very strict, very rigid rules are what helps at their home. But the student that I have is much younger than the boy in your situation, so I don't know how that would look in your situation.

Answer 4

first he is NOT in control of YOUR self esteem.. you are... and second and the rest, he has only been with your 2 and half years and has had all this crap done to him before your house.. is he or has he been in any kind of therapy.. if not he needs some really fast..or he may need to go to a different one..



he is confused about everything , hence the loving his mother and 'uncle' and having sex with girl he thinks he loves..



things take time.. 2 and a half years may not be enough time to get things to normal. it may takes years.. you love him, and will do anything to help him right.?