Did I Do The Right Thing? I Need To Know!?

Question

I placed my daughter up for adoption when she was born. I was in an abusive marriage and i was certainly not going to have my husband hurt her too. She went to a wonderful family who love her very much. I know i should have thought of that before i got pregnant but I did not. It has been over two years since then and my mother hates me for it. She says i was childish and made a poor decision, but I think I made the right choice in wanting to keep my daughter safe. Please tell me what you think. Did I do the right thing for her?

Answer 1

Is your daughter safe?



Is she happy?



Then what you did was right!! End of it!

You are only second guessing yourself because you miss her, you wish you hadn't given her up, and your mom is angry because that is her granddaughter and she had no control. All those things are valid.



But get back to the point - your #1 job as a parent to provide a safe, loving, stable home for your child. And even if you had left your husband - what type of stability were you prepared to provide. So giving her up was a good, mature, and selfless thing for you to do. It takes more courage to do the right thing then to try and raise a child yourself to her own detriment.



More mothers should learn from your example of maturity and selflessness.

Answer 2

You shouldnt doubt yourself. You did the best thing as having a child in a unsafe environment could be very traumatic for you and her. Your mother is wrong to hate you, she should understand what a hard time you must have gone through and how terrible the concequences could have been if you had kept the child.



Your daughter should be very proud of you as you gave her a good start in life without any abuse or pain. It would have been terrible for her if she had been hurt in some way and left with bad memories.



Don't put yourself down in any way, you made the right decision and should be very glad that you did so. You can still visit your daughter and spend time with her, when shes older she'll understand why you put her up for adoption and I promise she wont have anything against you.



I hope that has set your mind at rest. Maybe talk to your mother and try to resolve things, hopefully one day she will realise that what you did was for the best.



Never think of your daughter as a mistake and if your mother does then she should be ashamed. Your daughter is very precious and will probably add so much value to the world. If your mother thinks it was worng of you to have her then she should rethink. It is so good to see people not aborting children, everyone desrves life. I'm so glad to see that you gave your child a chance in life, she will be very grateful.

Answer 3

You did the right thing and in my eyes- you did the most LEAST-SELFISH thing a mother could do. You protected your child the best way you knew how- you put your child's needs above your own. You gave her the greatest gift in the world: A happy stable life. And dont ever think that your desicion was "childish". You didnt know where to go and you were suffering through an abusive marraige. THe way I see it- YOUR MOTHER is the one being childish by commenting on the most mature, selfless, adult decision you ever made in your life. If more people made decisions like yours- perhaps there would be less problems in the world today. Your strength is amazing and dont ever forget that. Hang in there! You did the right thing to not bring a child into a situation like that but surrender her to a better one. I am proud of you

Answer 4

Sorry to say this but your mother is an idiot. She should be glad you did what you thought was best for your baby and put it up for adoption even though you didn't want to and you saved your child from being abused as well. Hopefully your not still with that guy. Yes you did the right thing. Don't listen to your mother. Don't let anyone tell you what you did was wrong or a mistake. If you are with that guy still get out and go to a shelter for battered women.

Answer 5

I think that it depends on a lot of factors. I mean yes you were thinking of her well being and that's why you gave her up, but then again, there were other options. You could've walked away from your husband and made a life with your baby. Then again, it could've been a hard life, maybe you wouldn't have been able to make it and had to give her up in the end. There are all kinds of scenarios, anything could have happened. Maybe she would have been happier with you, maybe not, you'll never know. Don't beat yourself up about it though, think that she's with a good family that loves her dearly and YOU did that for her. Nowadays you hear in the news about an abusive husband, like yours, kills the wife and kids, and hey pat yourself on the back, you saved your baby from all that pain and heartbreak. Make peace withyourself and try to move on. Hang in there, I can only imagine what you're going through. I myself am a single mother of two, because I left an abusive husband, and it's hard as hell, so you could've been in my position, but you're not. Next time though, think it through, if you don't want to have to go through this again, then prevent yourself from getting pregnant. Good luck.

Answer 6

If you feel like you protected your daughter, and you know she is in a loving family situation, then of course, you did the right thing. Families, in thier grief, forget that placing a child for adoption is one of the hardest, but often most responsible decisions a parent can make. Have peace with yourself. You are the one who would be held accountable for anything that might have happened to your daughter in that situation. You made one of the greatest sacrifices a mother can make. You chose what was best and safest for your baby over what was easiest or most pleasant for yourself. You deserve respect and support for that. But try to remember that everyone involved with you will feel some loss over that child. It is normal. Use it to bond closer, not separate from each other.

Answer 7

In a way, you did the right thing in making sure that your abusive husband could not harm your child. However, what does that say about you? You are saying that you were too weak and foolish to leave him, so you opted to give away your child. Your child was the sacrificial lamb. You obviously valued him more than your child. You couldn't bear to be without him so you stayed for more abuse, but you could do without your child. The problem is not a matter of what was happening before you got pregnant. It's what happened afterwards. I hope you have removed yourself from this abusive marriage. Go for counselling. One day you may have to do a lot of explaining to that child you gave away.

Answer 8

Right or Wrong is hard to say. Yes, its good that she has a better life now than the one you could have given her. But if it were me, I would have left my husband both for myself and my daughter. Some people don't believe in divorce. But if you do, maybe you should have considered getting rid of him and keeping her.



I suppose if you couldn't do that at the time (seems you have now), then giving her up was a far better choice than aborting her or keeping her. There is no solid right or wrong. There is only levels of good and bad points. As for your mother... she's going to have to come to terms with it. But what people fail to understand is that our decisions in life not only effect our own life, they effect the lives of others as well.



Your decision denied her the ability to know her grandchild. And I'm sure that stings very badly. But you're both going to have to come to terms with your decision and move on. Its already made. There isn't any taking it back. You can't rewind time and make a new decision. Both of you will need to learn to live with what is already done.



You did what you thought was right. That's all anyone can do. Look at all the varied responses you got already. What is right for one person isn't right for the next. Isn't viewed as right. All we can do is what we feel is right and live with that decision no matter the results. Talk to your mother and try to explain that. Let her know that you understand her hurt, that you hurt too, but that you did what you thought best for your baby.



I wish you the best. Take care.



And Samantha, maybe her son came after her daughter and after she left her husband.

Answer 9

If I were your mom I would be upset. You should have left the marriage and started a new life with your daughter.



I think in the case you did what was right for you rather then your daughter. The moment you found out you were pregnant you should have walked away from the marriage , adoption is for those who can not afford a child or for those who were raped and do not want to keep the baby because it will be a reminder of what happened and stuff like that not because your in an abusive relationship.



If you are in the type of relationship where the guy threatens to kill you if you leave then you should of got help from those people who relocate abused spouses and there children.



As someone else said, you chose your abusive husband who has no respect for you over a child that will always love you and never hurt you.



Do you watch TV? More then half of the spousal abuse cases result in the wife murdering the abusive husband or the abusive husband murdering the wife..I really suggest you get help before you end up dead or end up killing him.

Answer 10

i symphathize with you. i think you did the right thing. it would have been wrong to put your daughter in an abusive situation emotionally or physically. it must have been hard to make that decision. but your mother should try and look at the situation like that. how would she feel if your husband had harmed your daughter. then she would have said you should have given her up. i really do think you did the right thing though.

Answer 11

Yes you made the very best decision, do not ever let anyone tell you differently. You are very smart in taking that kind of control in your life. I am sure your Mother is upset.. but she should see it thru your eyes. What if the abusive husband would have beat her and it would only take one hard hit on a child to damage them for life or kill them. I think you are extremely brave for protecting your child in that way. I am an adopted child myself and know that my mother made the very best decision by letting me go as well. There is no way she could have ever taken care of me and she was in awful relationships with men. You did do the right thing!!!



Please do not let these judgemental answers make you think you did anything wrong.. they are not putting themselves in your shoes. If it would have been me.. I would like to believe I would have done the same thing as you. The father of the child could still abuse her to this day if you would have kept her.. and that is the part they are not understanding.. but I do.

Answer 12

So you gave up your daughter because of an abusive marriage yet you kept your son? Dont you have anything better to do then sit here and lie about horrible things?? Everyone just wasted there times answerig this and reading it, look at her other question about her mom getting on her how to raise her son

Answer 13

I agree with a couple of the other posters...if it had been ME, I would have kept my daughter and gotten rid of the abusive husband!! I have a daughter, who I love with all my heart, and I couldn't imagine choosing an abusive man over her....it just wouldn't happen. However, I don't know your situation,and , if leaving the marriage wasn't possible, then I think the ONLY other solution was to give your daughter up, although, I think I would have just given temporary custody to a family member or something until I COULD get away from the abusive husband.

Answer 14

Its not a good thing that your second guessing yourself now. One question: why didnt you leave the abusive marriage? It seems to me that you have social support (your mother) that could have gotten you though it. Right now your mother is upset but it was your decision. Only you really know if this was the right decision for you.It is only normal for you to feel this way now. Second guessing, the remourse, and guilt are normal for a lot of people who decided to adopt out. If you think your daughter is in a good home, safe and know she will be provided with everything she needs then that should be a great feeling on your behalf. I would try to make a stand point with your mother so she knows how you feel exactly from your point of view. Maybe she doesnt know all the facts or is misuderstanding your feelings. Your pregnancy ended with giving life instead of death. You gave your child a chance to live and I commend you for that...

Answer 15

I went throught a similar thing recently. Let me just say that you are so very brave and selfless to put your daughters saftey over your own wants. I think that if your mother disapproves she is the selfish and childish one. How dare her want you to put a baby in those dangerous circumstances because she has the urge to be a grandparent. If and when you reunite with your daughter and you get the oppurtunity to explain the situation surrounding the adoption, I am confident that she will understand and appriciate you for the descision you have made. I think that you need to surround yourself with people who support you through this time in your life. I think that if your mother wants to have a relationship with you or her future grandchildren she needs to stop with the verbal abuse and may need to join a support group for family members who have been involved with the adoption process. Ask your adoption agency if there are support groups you can go to, and urge her to attend one with you. You are strong!

Answer 16

I think you coulda just left him and moved in with your mom and got restraining orders for you and your daughter its obviously bothering you or you wouldnt be asking for advice I dont think it was the right thing also by your name I would say you have another child now,was it by the same man? Why did you keep this one and not your daughter i dont understand you...

Answer 17

You did what you thought at the time was right, no child deserves to be abused that's for sure. I was in a marriage like that and eventually got help and got out my daughter was with me too! It was really hard and she's 7 now it still affects her to this day and hurts. Good Luck! Hopefully you are out of that relationship and getting help for yourself. Just remember if the abuser gets away with it once it just makes it easier next time for them to do worse.

Your child will probaly thank you later in life.

best wishes for you

Answer 18

Well this is a tough one...



My gut reflex is to question your sanity for staying with an abusive a.s.s.hole of a husband....and for sending your daughter off to live with strangers...yes they love her ...but YOU are her mother....and she should have come first.



On the other hand...you made a sacrifice and gave away your flesh and blood to protect her from a mad man...And you made sure she went to a healthy happy loving home.



So I'm not sure...Instinctivly I say that a childs place is with their mother...but if their mother isn't smart enough to get the hell away from an abusive animal of a husband...then maybe she is better off with strangers.



Is he out of your life yet? Or are you still with him? And who's Hunter?

Answer 19

You absolutely did the right thing. You gave her what she needed most - a safe, happy, stable home. You knew that in your situation there was no way you could have provided that for her. I think you did the most loving and selfless thing imaginable.

Answer 20

Of course you did the right thing...you were just trying to protect your daughter and i think that's the best decision you could have made..right now she's in a loving caring home and what more would you want for her....don't listen to what anybody tells you..you're the only one that really knows what you went through and what you were protecting your child from....i wish you all the best and i hope this helped....

Answer 21

under the circumstances i think you made the right choice i think you did the right thing if your mother is so upset over your choice why didn't she step up to take custody of her. she could of . maybe shes feeling a little guilty herself.don't let it bother you .if you know in your heart you did the right thing for her then that should be some comfort to you

Answer 22

No why would you choose an abusive marriage over your daughter of course you did wrong.

Answer 23

i think u did the right thing for the both of u. your husband abused u for years do not let your mom verbal abuse u for the next few years.

Answer 24

No you did not do the right thing I agree with your mother you might have been thinking about her (at least telling yourself that) but the real fact is you were thinking about yourself. You should have dumped your husband and kept your child. It was a childish thing to do! Hopefully your daughter does not know you then she would know you stayed with and abusive jerk instead of getting out and being with her - I side with your mom! When you found out you were pregnant you should have left him then and there no wait you should have left him the first time he hurt you! Hopefully like I said she doesn't find out about you no women should be with a man who hurts her and then gives up her child to stay with him!

Answer 25

It doesn't matter what me, your mother, or what anyone else says about your situation. What matters is how you feel about it! If you feel in your heart that you did the right thing for your baby, don't let anyone else convince you otherwise. Everyone is held accountable for their actions.

Answer 26

If you removed your daughter from a situation where you were pretty darned sure that she'd get hurt, then yes, you did the right thing.

Answer 27

safer is always better. you were in the situation so you'd know what was best. if you hadn't done what you did things might've been alot worse. she's safe and you're probably in a better place too I assume? And as for your mother that's the grandma talking..I wouldn't worry too much about it. When the time and place is right you can always have another child.

Answer 28

Duty #1 of any parent is ensuring the safety and welfare of their child. You did that, and at no small cost.



I'm sure you think of her every day, and that your own mother's reaction to this only adds to your pain.



Yes, you did the right thing. I'm sorry that your mother can't see it.



Ultimately, this is all said and done anyway. I'm sorry that some of the previous answerers are being so stunningly, cruelly judgmental here.

Answer 29

I will never understand people who choose men over their children... that said, yes, if you HAD to stay with him then you did the right thing to give her a good home.

Answer 30

by the way it sounds, yes you did do the right thing. Ultimately you think that the environment that you could provide for your daughter woudln't be at all suitable. You may have been young, but making the grown up decision to allow another family to provide a better life for your daughter is a good decision.

Answer 31

You did the right thing for your baby when she was born and that's what matters. It was up to you, not your Mum and I think you made the right choice. I hope you are ok now and got out of the abusive relationship and are happy. :o)

Answer 32

You did what you felt was right for your child. You loved her enough to give her to a good home and to people who will love her and give her life that you couldn't. Adoption is the most selfless thing a mother can do.



Your mother needs to deal with her emotions and move on.



I honestly feel that you did the right thing, your put your childs needs before yours and that is what makes a good mom

Answer 33

whats done is done, if it was ok? i dont know, what do you feel? did you use the abusive husband as an excuse, i dont want to be judgemental but ive seen a lot of single mothers coming out of the same situation and they dont put their kids up for adoption, however i dont really know what happend with your husband. but like i said it is already done, and as long as she is happy then dont worry!

Answer 34

the question is - did you do the right thing for your FAMILY?? why didnt you leave your husband and go to a safe house with your daughter? certainly adoption is much better than abortion, but there are more options when dealing with an abusive spouse. you could have divorced him and pressed charges to keep him away from you and your daughter.

Answer 35

i think you did the right thing. the ultimate thing that a parent can do for their child is give them a safe and loving environment. if you didn't have that, God bless you for not being selfish enough to deprive her of one.

Answer 36

I'm sorry to tell you this, but I would have gotten rid of the abusive husband and kept my innocent child !

Answer 37

Yeah u did the right thing yo i applaud ur desicion to put her n a betta atmosphere/surrounding than at ur house or with ur husband. It takes more of a parent 2 do wat u did then ne thing else.

Answer 38

I would have left the abusive asshole and kept my child. No man should come before your child. If you were old enough to marry you were old enough to divorce and raise a baby



My husband was abusive.................. I left his worthless *** and am raising my babies, and expecting again

Answer 39

I can't believe you chose your husband over your child. How could you do that? Why didn't you go back to live with your mother? She sounds like she at least has some sense!!!

Answer 40

you put her before yourself, to make srue no harm came to her. you made an impossible choice.

You were selfless.

I hoep you got out of the marraige!

Answer 41

i would of done it. Ask mommy dearest what she would of done?

Answer 42

yep... so long as you get to at least see your daughter now and then, and she knows you. :)