I need some advice about a teen boy?

Question

My husband has a teenage son from a previous marriage. I have been in this boy's life (literally) since birth. I see him as a son and never make the distinction in my mind between him and my daughter.

His mother has had custody of him in another state for years, and we have him all summer and during holidays. As such, all we've ever seen is a well-mannered, helpful, respectful kid. He doesn't do drugs, drink, have sex or any other extremely alarming thing.

However, this year, his mom was between jobs and asked us if he could come to school here. This thrilled us, as he's always been a poor student, and because his mom was single and going to school and working, we attributed it to her not having the time to spend with him.

The problem is, this kid just WILL NOT get with the program. His dad wanted to go easy on him the first couple of weeks, because he was in a new school, and we didn't want to be seen as ogres of parents, since next year, he will be allowed to choose with whom he lives. We were really hoping that school would go well, and he'd just love it here, and want to stay.

In the past two weeks, he has begun lying to us about small things (whether he laid his clothes out for school, whether his homework was done, when assignments were assigned and due, whether he'd played on the computer before the homework was completed, etc). He's also dropping the ball on studying for tests (he got a78 on a geometry test and was allowed a retest. He scored a 72 on the retest). This was two days AFTER he'd told me that, while his dad and I were at work on a Saturday, he'd spent ALL DAY looking at fight videos online, because he had nothing else to do. He takes over an hour in the shower every morning (and claims he's not doing THAT, if you know what I mean), then nearly half an hour to dress. Again, when I look in on him, he's walking in circles talking to himself.

Every night, he spends HOURS in his room doing homework that should take maybe 1-2 hours. Every time I open his door, he's walking around with a foam sword or talking to himself or playing with a toy gun. This kid is 15. It bothers me a little that he's so immature sometimes. I know he should be doing homework at the kitchen table or out in the open, but his 2 year old sister is constantly distracting him when he does that.

I feel that there should be consequences for the lying, the screwing around instead of homework, and the refusal to study. But I'm also afraid that he may have some undiagnosed learning disability that is causing some of it. I've always maintained that I thought he was mildly autistic. He's obsessive, he must rock to get to sleep, and he makes strange noises out of nowhere sometimes as if he can't help himself. He's very picky about what textures of food he'll eat and is skittish around loud noises.

I maintain that, even if there's a disability, he should be accountable for certain things, and if he doesn't do them, he should see consequences. Like, if he doesn't get to the breakfast table on time, he has to eat cereal instead of the cooked breakfast I make most mornings. No computer before homework, and if he defies that, then no computer for the rest of that evening or the next. If he didn't lay out his clothes, he doesn't get to take a soda to school (his dad lets him take one every morning).

I know a lot of this is our fault for letting him get away with so much, but how do I convince my husband that it's time to crack down and REALLY get this boy doing what he should? My husband wants to be the nice guy with him, but he's just so frustrated with the shenanigans that he's about ready to explode.

Please let me know if you've had a similar experience and what worked for you to get the child back on track

Answer 1

I think firstly that if your step son has been identified as a poor student previously than it isn't realistic for you to expect that he is just going to get it. He could have a learning disability, he could not but if he is years behind his peers than it would be hard for him to just catch up. First thing to do is to set up a case conference with the school, have his teachers, the deputy principal and the school psychologist. Raise your concerns about his learning. The school psychologist should be able to arrange an assessment with your step son. From the results of the assessment the psychologist will be able to make recommendations about adjustments which can be made to maximize your  stepsons learning. 

What I would raise with his teachers is your concerns with his learning and ask that he be put on an Individualised Education Plan - if he does not know the basics of maths, English, science, social studies ect then he is going to struggle with the more complex stuff that they are tackling in his classes. Ask the teachers to find the level that he is at and then work on mastering any concepts he has not grasped yet before moving onto the work that they are doing in class.

My son is 15, and I learnt long ago that if you put him in his room to study or do homework, he will get distracted by his computer, the TV, mobile, you name it he would get distracted. He probably would make his bed just to procrastinate. I set up a desk in the family office for him. This room is free from all the distractions and gives him a quiet place for him to focus on his work. He works a lot better in this room. 

Regardless of whether your son has a learning disability or not, inthink 1-2 hours of homework is a lot for a 15 year old to do in one hit. Give your stepson plenty of breaks, this will help him to keep focused and stay on track. I find that restructuring some things in the household can result in better outcomes then more intrusive interventions. 

When we want to stop repetitive behaviors from occurring (e.g. Lying) the most important thing to do is to analyze the function of that behaviour. Why is your stepson lying about doing those things? It is likely that your son is lying to avoid doing those things (e.g. Studying, chores ect ect). By introducing consequences such as removing privileges it MIGHT stop the behaviour from occurring but at the same time it might not. If he lies about not having an assignment and you ground him for the weekend, he still got out of doing the assignment

Answer 2

IMO, there is more to what is going on with him than the standard teenage angst.



He may not want to go to school because he gets teased for his odd habits. You should have a conversation with his teacher(s) and ask them what they are seeing from him in school. You can also set up some kind of communication system with them, so you know what he has for homework and tests.



Set up a place that is easily supervised for him to do his homework....he obviously is too easily distracted to be alone with it. At this point I would provide more structure and support, rather than punishment for not doing the work. I would also have him shower at night and lay out his clothes, so he does not need to do it in the morning.



I would also take a look at his diet, and see if there might not be some contributing factor there:



http://www.feingold.org/overview.php



Some of what you are seeing could also be the result of his doing drugs. Have you had him in for a physical? You could have the doctor check for drugs. I did not have to deal with drugs with my own children, but I had a boyfriend whose 15 year old son took meth, and his behavior was very odd, to say the least.

Answer 3

Hopeful California drivers can take the test as soon as they are 15 years and 6 months old, and you must score at least 85% on the 46-question battery. If you’re looking for a California DMV manual check here.

Answer 4

Truthfully guys just suck at giving back the affection that we give for them.



In many instances I find myself amongst a game between my my heart and common sense.