Why does my husband want to sacrifice time with our daughter to advance his career?

Question

My husband and I are both students, and we have a one year old daughter. At the beginning of the semester we decided that I would drop a class so we could both spend the same amount of time with our daughter for equality's sake, and we do. Now, however, he has taken a job and wants to get more child care. We already have our child care provider watch her for 26 hours per week, and his mom watches her eight hours.

I feel like that's enough. I wouldn't want to spend any less time with our girl than I do, but then again, I want my husband and I to be equal. I guess I'm just kind of resentful that he didn't let me take 17 credits, but now he wants to do the equivalent.

He's going to get a better job than me, isn't he? Will I at least maybe have a better relationship with our daughter? Isn't this unfair?

Should we even both try to spend the same amount of time with her? I wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom except that I have career goals that really mean a lot to me. He has told me that he would never consider spending a semester taking care of our daughter and not working. How should I feel about that?

Answer 1

I have a slightly different perspective on this.



I know men and women are programmed differently by society's expectations and by our hormones/genetics/brain development.



But I feel very strongly that 1. you cannot replace a daddy's conscious decision to be with his baby while she is little-- by being away all the time he is sending her a message that she is not important. You may know he wants to provide, and you may know that he wants to provide, but all the baby understands is seeing daddy walking away each day. Nothing replaces time with the baby, nothing.



And



2. I believe everything should be as 50-50 as possible. I know in real life sometimes a spouse has to put things on hold to support the family, resulting in not 50-50 at times. But nurturing the baby should not be one of the things either of you put on hold! Child care, work hours, education opportunities, the responsibility for building the relationship and sacrificing for each other are both of your responsibility.



It's a tough call. Nobody should have to give up more than the other spouse-- you should each spend equal time with the baby. You should each have equal free time to take care of yourselves and pursue your favorite hobbies. You should each have equal opportunity for finishing your education and pursuing a degree and a good career.



A true partnership means that BOTH partners are looking out for the wellbeing of the other and of the kids.



My favorite book on marriage-- The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real-- has the rule that if both partners don't say yes, then it's a no. We're here to lift each other up and help each other fulfill our potential-- as parents, as students, as employees with good careers. You need to be in his corner and he needs to be in yours.



You have to decide what you want-- holding your husband back may not be best for your family. But him holding you back or spending less time with the baby may not be best for your family either.



Decide what you think would be best for your child and see how you can fit education and career for both of you into that. Think if it as a 'here's what we CAN' do to enhance our baby's childhood, our educations and our careers in a manner that works well for the baby and for both adults in a fair manner rather than as a power struggle.



You just have to choose what's most important to you. Then ask for that. You never know. If you butter him up with a wonderful home cooked meal and lots of appreciation for him as a provider and husband and father, and then either ask him for the kind of family roles and time in with the baby you believe is best for you and for your family-- he may just understand. Say it would mean a lot to me if we as a family could sort this out before we make a decision-- what's most important? Who is better at what? Could we try x y and z just until a b and c are done?We have plenty of time to work but we both need to finish our education and the baby is only going to be little for such a short time. He may really understand and work with you on it.



I also warn you against giving up on your degree and your career. Letting the husband provide while you are not able to finish school or get a good job- I hope you will have many years together but a woman deserves and always should work toward a good career (if she wants it) just because.



So if being successful as a parent is most important, be successful as a parent. If being successful as a business person is most important, be that too, and ask for the fair division of opportunity, time with the little one, and time to do your own thing.



I warn you to go ahead and finish that degree and get into the work force as soon as you feel ready to leave the baby. Heck, maybe being home with the baby might give you more time to study!



Being home with the baby more while he works more may be a good solution right now. But in the long run, you MUST finish that education and have the opportunity for good jobs. And you MUST nurture your little one. He must support you in that and help you with it. You child is only little once and you both need to be so careful about the messages you send her about how to treat women/the baby's mommy/children. Maybe you could just question him about some of this-- why is work so important to your husband? How does he see things working out if he works-- when will he spend time with the baby? When do you get to finish school, then?



Good luck! Take care!

Answer 2

I understand perfectly why you ask all these questions. My husband and I are both full time students & my husband is Active Duty Navy. He is constantly going underway and for the 2 months my son has been born, he has been away more than a month of it. Its hard when he has to split the small amount of time we do have to spend together between school and family.



I think that the reason your husband is striving to achieve all these great ambitions is because he feels the need to support his family completely. Whether or not we live in times where only a man supports his family is your opinion. I for one want to be just as successful but the amount of time it takes me as opposed to that which it takes my husband will more than likely be longer.



I don't know much about yalls relationship except from what I have read so I cant really help out too much but my biggest suggestion would be to make sure to be equal in caring for your child. Remember that outside of being a student you have a job of being a mother that is 24-7. Make sure to split the work right down the middle and don't wear your self out. Have you guys considered online schooling? We both do it and it works out great for us.



Best of Luck!

Answer 3

Parenting is not always an exactly equal position. I can not imagine keeping track of my hours with our kids and then telling my husband that I am ahead by a few hours at the end of the week. This isn't like a job where you get overtime if you stay late. Parenting is about spending QUALITY time with your daughter not necessarily the QUANTITY of time. Christmas is around the corner, maybe your husband is trying to plan ahead - get the job now so we can afford Christmas and we can still afford to live after Christmas. Maybe he is concerned because you never know when a child will need something (clothes, shoes, medicine) and he is trying to be prepared.



Most men are not the primary caregiver to their children - isn't this something you discussed before you became parents? It looks like you and your husband need to have a serious discussion because there is very little about parenting that is "fair".

Answer 4

honestly, I think it sounds like you are more mad about the fact that he is going to take more classes than you, than you are that he wants to sacrifice time with your daughter. If you turn your marriage into a competition (ie "I have a better job" "I make more money" "Im closer with the baby than you" etc etc) your marriage will become a total disaster. You are a team, not opponents. Always keep that in mind. It can be very hard and stressful on a marriage with little ones, but dont let that tear your marriage apart.

Also realize that men are programmed (socially) to be the provider. This is NOT to say that they should always be the bread winner, but most men feel insecure if they arent. If he does get a better job than you, rather than seeing it as "he has a better job than me" see it as, "wow, he is really great at what he does" it also means more money in your pockets, more money for the baby. It is good for both of you, not only him. You should want for him to get done with school and get a good job, dont despise him for it.

As for your career goals, is taking online classes an option? I have been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born (shes 3 now) and have taken my classes online, that way I get the best of both worlds, Im still getting my education, but Im not sacrificing any time with my daughter. Please dont get me wrong though, I am not saying that you should throw all your dreams/goals down the drain. I think it is very important for you to have goals and work towards them, just work toward your goals as a team, not opponents.

Answer 5

It might be that he wants to do the job now so he can provide more and give you both a better quality of life. It may be that he sees your family doing without certain things and feels guilty about it. A lot of schools offer their classes online. You both might look into that and you can both spend more time at home.

Answer 6

Spending the exact same amount of time is good in theory but not possible. He is trying to make sure you guys don't have to go on welfare or are strapped for cash

Answer 7

Everything cannot be equal. He is not trying to spend less time with her, he is trying to support his family. I can see nothing wrong with that. I do not find it unfair.

Answer 8

my feeling is maybe old fashioned but the MAN is supposed to support the family. he is probably feeling he wants to step up and be able to provide the best he can, not that you dont matter, but most men are raised to provide for the family. and he would feel like a failure if he doesnt. i would respect him for that (i am sure you do for his hard work) but im guessing he wants the best for you and your child.