What are the effects of kids hearing their parents having sex?

Question

My mother just got remarried about 2 months ago, after having been divorced for 8 months and knowing this new guy for about 6 months. She has had 3 husbands before this and the last one was physically and emotionally abusive towards me (I'm 16). Needless to say, I'm pretty resentful. As if having a stranger in my house wasn't bad enough, I constantly hear my mother and her new husband having sex. She's 53 and he's 55. My room is on the top floor, literally right next to theirs. And its not just squeaking beds, it's screaming. It makes me really sick to my stomach! I've had nights where I haven't been able to sleep because I can hear them. I've tried everything: walking around the upstairs slamming doors, playing my music ridiculously loud.. nothing works. I was wondering if there were any potentially long term emotional effects that I might have to deal with later because of having to hear them go at it at least twice a week?

Answer 1

Hi. I really feel for you! Yes an ipod will certainly drown any noise. Some good answers so far, but I just want to add that in my experience it's not purely just having to hear it that's awful! You feel a bit kind of violated and constantly on edge - are they going to do it now, here, there? I should think that deep down you might feel very angry and hurt that your mum jumped straight into yet another relationship and focused on him, instead of giving YOU the attention you deserve. Why should only YOU go out of your way to come to terms with whatever SHE inflicts on your life, and make all the effort to not hear them, when SHE should be making an effort to give you a nice life. Maybe when everything went wrong and it was just you two for a bit, she came to you for love, comfort and sympathy. If it was me I would be livid, and you have a right to feel that way. Maybe, this man offers little or nothing to you as you refer to him as 'a stranger'. Your mum and him should have paved the way for you to bond, and your mum should always put you first.

HOWEVER in all honesty I don't think this will happen, except in a perfect rose tinted view of perfect family life. Your mum loves you very very much but she probably has secretly very low self esteem and therefore she is 'a clinger'. This was probably due to erratic parenting by HER parents. Try reading the book 'They'll F *** You Up' which is a look at the psycology of how we are parented and the effect on our personalities. Interesting stuff.

PLAN 1; Tell your mum how you feel and ask them to be quieter when you are there and save the noisy stuff for when you are not - even the noisiest woman can be quiet out of respect for her children. Tell her to put buffers on - washing machine, tumble dryer, tv or whatever, to disguise the act because you don't want to know it's happening. Does she want to hear YOU doing it when the time comes?

PLAN 2; Get a porn dvd and play it really loud at embarrassing moments for your mum, to teach her a lesson.

PLAN 3; Move out IF and WHEN it is reasonable and desirable to do so (I left at aged 17 and I've had a fantastic and successful life). Maybe that might mean leaving to go and live at university or college accomodation. Your relationship with your mum has got a long way to go yet, and it won't be plain sailing, but it will be easier for you when you are more in control of your environment and life. I'm sure things aren't all bad between you, but sorry to hear about all this.



So, no long term affects from the noise, but possible affects from deeper issues that you have to deal with. It happens to many of us and you'll be a better person for it, but it's a pile of crap at the time.

Be your own best friend - you've got a good head on you, so you'll be a good friend to have lol

Hope the chat works! Good luck!

Answer 2

There is no bad effect of hearing your parents have sex unless of course there is underlying issues with you and sex or your parents have made you feel uncomfortable about sex or that sex is dirty or something you should never do. Sex is a completely natural thing that adults do when they love each other. One day when you're an adult you'll fall in love and you will have sex. Period. What are you going to do when you are adult and you hear neighbors have sex? Nothing. Get over it and be happy that whoever your parent is sleeping with is making them happy. I've walked in on my parents and guess what, I'm fine. My parents are still together and they love each other very much and I know my parents still have sex and I'm very happy for them.

Stop being so damn selfish and put some headphones on. It's their house they pay the bills.

Answer 3

Your mom really should know that you can hear them chances are they don't realize they are being so loud. In my opinion it's really disrespectful for her to be that loud, and seriously she has to know you can hear her. I'm so worried about anyone hearing even the bed makes a squeal and I'm like move to the other end. Sex is done in private and between two people to share that moment, I guess some people want to make it known what they are doing.



Next time your at the store take a look at the ipods with your mom or head phones something of that nature, when she says why do you need that tell her because you guys are keeping me up at night! I wouldn't beat around the bush I would tell her what I've heard and let her know how uncomfortable you are.



I guess it will teach you to not have sex so loudly lol.

Answer 4

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I think that promiscuity is a dangerous, foolish thing for anybody to practice, but it is especially so when they are a parent. Being indiscreet about it is the worst way to handle it too. It hurts children. They need a more stable home life than that, they need their innocence sheltered, and they need to be raised with morals. Not to mention....when mom brings home creeps she picks up at the bar, she is putting her children at a greater risk for being molested. Statistically speaking, anyways! All around, it's a huge mistake. If only people would find someone GOOD to marry and then stay faithful and work at their relationship rather than letting it fall apart, this world would be such a better place and there would be way less broken homes. That won't happen anytime soon, though, not while people are being taught that they should do whatever feels good and whatever they "feel" is "right for them". When selfishness and unbridled lust lead the way everybody loses....especially the children.

Answer 5

Hi guys well I'm a 41 year old woman now, and when I was young I use to sleep with my parents and I would hear them and see them my bed was next to them, I would cry and they would ignore me they didn't listen to me when I told my mother I was uncomfortable I see this as abuse, I don't know if there was more sexual abuse not in the home but I'm not sure of this I'm doing a bit of recalling, I kind of embarrassed to talk about it with a psychologist or counsellor I don't trust anyone how should I handle this?

Answer 6

definitely children get affected by what they see at the home; the instability creates a sense of distrust; there is no sense of morals because these are never instilled; the mother obviously has problems (low self-esteem and values herself by the attention given by the men she has) and these are simply creating issues in the children. If there is mention of sexual abuse and you or another teacher hears this it has to be reported to the principal and once this is done the principal is liable for reporting the incident--the last person that knows has to tell--CPS or he or she will be held responsible if something happens. How wrong those in the grapevine were of you---you are okay; what your aunt does or did is not an indicator of who you grew up to be---you are your own person. And I would not feel anything or would have anything to say about you especially if you had not shared your personal story in other words you do not have to share the part of how others thought you were going to be a "ho" because of what your aunt did.

Answer 7

Nobody wants to picture their parents having sex, not to mention hear them. However it's really not that bad. You mentioned a few things that you have tried to get them to stop, have you every tried sitting them both down and saying "Mom! ______? (guy mom is having sex with) When you have sex I can hear everything you are doing. It is very loud. I can hear all the noises you make while you are both having sex. Next time you have sex can you please be quieter?". Most people do not want to have a "sex" conversation with their children and they may not even realize they are being as loud as they are. Some people can get a little carried away and get caught up in the moment. If after that they do not quiet down simply ask your mom if they can pick you up some ear plugs so that you can get some sleep while the are going crazy in the bedroom. Ear plugs will definitely kill the sound.



Fortunately for you the only bad effects that will ever come from hearing your parents having sex is the memory of them having sex loudly.

Answer 8

Well your mom certainly should not get mother of the year award. Sorry for how she is acting. Most parents try to hide this from their kids.



As for the long term effects - I think you'll try to set a better example for your kids. Hopefully, you don't categorize this behavior and think all men are pigs etc. It's not so.



When I was 14, my best friend had a mom who did the same thing. She couldn't sleep at night listening to the mom and boyfriend go at it. Moaning, screaming etc. She didn't have any long term emotional problems. Except she is nothing like her mother. Now we are 40.



Don't let your mom interfere with your school and other activities. Hang in there and get good grades and make the most of your life!!!

Answer 9

This is ridiculous. Sex is natural and there is absolutely nothing wrong with two consenting adults who care about each other having intercourse. We coddle our delicate children too much and create a taboo around natural acts like sex and intimacy and our children suffer from feeling like sex or sexual impulses are wrong or abnormal.



Have a talk, be adults, treat it respectfully. Mom has the right to have romantic relationships and to be happy, sex is an important part of having adult relationships. These children were created through the act of intercourse and now we should have sex in the closet because they can hear us and risk offending their delicate feelings, absurd.



The conversation we should be having is, what types of compromises can be reached so the kids understand what is happening is natural, we try and respect their privacy, and as adults we can have sexual relationships with children in the home without repressing our needs as adults.

Answer 10

Ewww! I can totally sympathize with you, when i could hear my parent having sex it totally grossed me out and they were both my parents not some strange guy with my mom. Honestly the only thing you can do is talk to your mom, your going to have to be real diplomatic about tho. Be honest and tell her that you can hear and that it really bothers you. Can your bedroom be moved, or if you start hearing stuff can you go down stairs and sleep on the couch, or how about earbuds can you put them in and then turn the music up a lil bit? I don't know about long term emotional effects but it could effect your relationship with your mother. Good Luck!

Answer 11

There are no long term emotional effects. My husband grew up hearing his parents every now and again depending on acoustics. It was their house and they could make what ever noise they like and their kids knew what those noises meant. It meant their parents loved (and still love) each other very much. They didn't like hearing it and usually TV or music worked to ignore it until it was over, lol, but they weren't scarred for life or anything. In fact they are the most well adjusted people I've ever met. People really should be more open about sex in general. It isn't some dirty thing. It is a beautiful way to show affection.

It has to be more uncomfortable for you because of the other things you have been through with step fathers and I am sorry. If you are really that uncomfortable you should either confront them about it or sleep elsewhere. If you are really brave you could walk in on them while they are doing it and ask them to quiet down. That should put a stop to it right quick. Your mom should respect you enough to be a little quieter if you ask. Even if you don't confront her, you will be fine. You won't be scarred for life. Good Luck!

Answer 12

First I'm going to talk to the posters here:

ARE YOU GUYS NUTS?



Her mother has had 4 husbands. The last one ABUSED this young girl. That was only 8 months ago that the last one did this. She only met her new husband 6 months ago.



You are telling this young lady that it is "ok, and normal" to hear her mother and this husband o' the month banging away at eachother????

What is the difference between that and seeing it? Nothing. If she can't sleep can hear every creek, every groan every self indulgent selfish act while they KNOW she is THERE- than OF COURSE it is WRONG. Anyone think with the track history of men that they might just be getting off on the fact that she can hear it?



__________



To 16 yr. old daughter



I am so sorry for what you have been through. It is not normal, respectful for your mother and her new husband to be having sex knowing you can hear it. I am sure from your experience with the last loser your mother chose that you feel afraid and disgusted and just sick of dealing with another man. 4 men is a lot for your mother to be married to, especially in your young lifetime, it's every 4 years.

I don't think you will be emotionally scarred for life, IF you seek help NOW. You need to talk to your school guidance councelor, or an adult relative, or anyone that will help you with this. Have them refer you to a PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST. I wouldn't bother talking to your mother about this because she has had ample time to learn what is acceptable and unacceptable with introducing a new man into her home and she hasn't understood it yet.



Maybe you can talk to a friends parent, who will allow you to stay at their house for a while. Maybe having you out of the house all together will help your mother prioritize what is important and to get her act together regarding men and your exposure to them.



I wish you the very best, believe in your future, and hope that your today is filled with purity of body mind and soul.

Answer 13

Tell your mom you want to change rooms. But be glad for her that she is in love. Sex is a great thing, and two people in love could be a great example for you.

I don't think your mom and her husband having sex will give you emotional problems. All the other crap might though.



The native americans used to share T-P's with extended families. They all had sex with everyone in the same room. It was just a normal thing. Our society is a little up tight about sex, but it is a totally natural thing.

Don't think I am telling you to go out and have sex though, wait until your 35 it will save you a lot of problems;)

Answer 14

I don't think there is any long term effects to worry about I heard my parents growing up and Im fine now.

The thing that would most likely carry into your adulthood would be the emotional and physical abuse from the boyfriend.( so I hope you have someone to talk to about that). Have you tried talking to your mom about this. You think she would learn to keep it down.

Answer 15

The fact that your mother has had four husbands and makes such a scene during sex is enough evidence to me that she's incredibly self-absorbed, selfish and does not have any sense when it comes to relationships. I think you've already learned from her mistakes and won't have to learn the hard way as she has done. As for the abuse you received from her prior partner, if you still have emotional scars from that experience you should see a counselor or trusted adult about it. Best wishes.

Answer 16

depends on their ages - - below 5 not a problem - after that age they will want answers - - school education in this subject doesnt start till they are about 10 yrs old and the general talk amongst kids themselves helps a lot so by the time school starts the program the kids have teir own idea about it all and will ask their mothers for the right and wrongs on the subject

hope their mother is not like mine lol - as i am still waitig for that book of the birds and bees that she promised me to read - at that age lol

Answer 17

no there shouldn't reall be any long term effects beacuse you are a teen. If this would have happened when you were younger it could have scarred you. I think there is something you can learn from this. when you get your own house do what my parents did and get the master bedroom soundproofed. It isn't that expensive and trust me it is worth it.

Answer 18

Hmm, I honestly don't know too much about that one. I would assume there is nothing terrible. Sure it's a little gross to think of your parents having sex, but they are human. Have you tried ear plugs yet? You could even have a talk with her mom. You don't have to say anything except, "Mom, I'm really tired. I heard you and (insert man's name here) fighting or something. Can you keep it down tonight?" She will either get the hint, or try to keep your innocence.

Answer 19

I dont know the effects but that is terrible and your mother has NO respect I am a mother of three and I can assure you my kids will NEVER hear me have sex You need to sit her down and talk to her about it If she refuses to listen tell some of your family members and I know that will embarrass her when they confront her with it

I no someone in my family who was going through that and they told one of our family members and I think that family member confronted their parents so try it and see what happens

Answer 20

Have you told them this? Go right up to them and tell them you hear them having sex on a weekly basis and it is disturbing for you. If they will not shut the hell up then tell them they need to buy you an Ipod so you have something to drown out their sounds.

Answer 21

well you already know what they're doing so it's not so scary. just gross and disrespectful. you should talk to your mom about it and remind her that it's your home too and have her decide what kind of example she's setting for you. i don;t she'd like it if you were the one being so wanton.

Answer 22

okay honey...it's not that bad. I grew up hearing my parents have sex all the time. I just learned to sleep with ear plugs after a while. It is gross yes but you got here some how...I know what you mean about sick to your stomach. I've been there. My kids hear me and my fiance going at it and they don't say anything. Try some ear plugs or do what I did. I actually told my parents it grossed me out hearing them so they compromised and they played their music loud so I couldn't hear them. I could only hear their music.

Answer 23

Is there a room downstairs you can take to be away from it. They are in love and sex is a way of expressing it but that does not mean you have to listen. Talk to your mum about it

Answer 24

Eugh gross.. tell her to keep the noise down.

Answer 25

You should talk to your mother about it.

Answer 26

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