My daughter thinks I am abusing her..?

Question

She is 17 and has a 1 1/2 year old son, And I make her work and save money and I make her buy everything she needs for her self, including food and bathroom things (except toilet paper)

She thinks I am a bad mom because of this, She says I am only do it cause she has a baby and and I am trying to punish her , that she knows lots of teen agers with baby and there parents do not make them buy anything, other then what the baby needs.

Also since I have gotten tired of doing EVERY dish in the house I have given her 1 plate 1 bowl, 1 knife, fork, and spoon and 1 cup. She can have use the pots and pans that are in the kitchen but has to wash them alone with 'her' dishes. She thinks this abuse too.. I have told her is she does not wash out the pots and pans she uses then she will not be able to use them and will have to get her own and wash them or I will leave them dirty in her room.

Wait there is more..................

Answer 1

Kmennie... That is the PROBLEM with kids today.... to many folks try to be FRIENDS with their kids, when the kids need PARENTS! Guidance, discipline.... not buddies. I'm not sayin one can't be friendly with their kids... but know when to be a friend and when to be the parent!



You go, Cathy-Rose! Though you may want to consider trying to get child-support out of the creep that helped your girl into this situation!

Answer 2

In no way are you being abussive. Thing is that my 7 year old and her sister have their own dishes, they help with the laundry, and they earn money for their chores and sometimes they buy what ever they want with it - they have bought certain food items that they wanted, that I was not willing to purchase (such as oreo cookies, goldfish snacks, and other things like that). My point is that if she thinks that you are being abussive, then what the heck would she think of me?



Also by the time I was 17, I wasn't pregnant but I had a job, was buying my own clothes, doing my own laundry (purchased my own washing powders), buying some of my own groceries, paying a cell phone/pager bill, used my mom's car but paid a portion of the insurance and paid for my own gas, and so on.



Tell her to get off her high horse and take responsibility. My parents never had to MAKE me be responsible - it just came naturally. You didn't make her lay down, have sex, and get pregnant. I don't care if she is a teenager - she was responsible enough to have sex, she should have been responsible enough to use protection.



P.S. I was 18 when I got pregnant with my first child, and I moved out when I was 3 months preg with her and made a life for myself. parents didn't kick me out - I chose to move out. Maybe you should show her this and she will see that you are not abusing her, but trying to help her out.

Answer 3

Interesting way of handling this. For me I would have probably sat down with the household bills ..all of them and had them listed and totalled up to show her the figures. House payment (or rent), utilities, phone, groceries, car payment ...anything that she had use of. Then I would have said ok, your an adult now living in the house so we will do a % of your earnings to contribute to running the house to teach you when you are on your own how to manage your money.

As for washing dishes, I would make that a joint venture after the meals...saying when all is finished eating, Ok, time for us in the kitchen...that also gives you two good bonding/talk time which sounds like could be helpful there. For babysitting which I bet you do, say " I'll keep the baby but for each time I do how about lets trade my babysitting time for you making the cake for dinner (or whatever)" This way she is more involved in the household, and not separated with plates etc. and doesn't seem like punishment to me. Will give you two more time working as a team. May not work but its worth a shot. Or how about just the plain ole sitting down with her and telling her that with the her and the baby it has put an extra strain and how can you together solve working together more?

Answer 4

Heck NO is this abuse - she is a parent now and like it or not she is legally responsible for that baby not you. She volunteered to be an adult early by choosing to have a child - now she can deal w it. What does she expect you to baby her and the baby??? She is nearly legally an adult anyhow and we all know adulthood sucks too bad she didnt figure that out before she had a baby!!! She certainly can wash her own dishes and do her own laundry and buy her own things - I did that at younger than 17.

Apparently she thought having a baby would buy her another 18 years to live off you and have you coddle her - good for you for putting your foot down!

Answer 5

You are in no way abusing your daughter. I have a "friend" that got pregnant at 16, and her parents gave her every thing. She never had anything to do but sit there and play pity party cause her "life was over". Now she has 3 kids all by different fathers and has been married and divorced 3 times. She never has learned what it takes to be an adult. And she is now 34 years old. As for your grandbaby, unless that baby was concieved by rape, where is the father? Make him contribute. They were adult enough to play around, where is he now, where are the other grandparents? It is in no way your responsibility alone. I do wish you luck in getting her to see this.

Answer 6

What you are doing for her and that baby will go a long way for their future as adults. Having worked with abused kids I can honestly say she is far from being abused. If anything she is being properly parented in fast mode since she made the free choice to get pregnant so young. You are doing her a great service and yes she may hate you for it now but later on she will love you for it.



She freely chose to give up her "teenage" life when she freely chose to have a baby. You are most definitely doing the right thing. I know it is hard but you are giving her and that baby one of the best gifts they could ever get during this time.



I just hope she actually freely chooses to learn from it all.



Good job, mom.

Answer 7

You are not being abusive. You bought her a car, she lives there for free without paying utilities. She should be washing her own clothes & her babies clothes & cleaning up after herself. I moved out of my parents house when I was 17yrs old & had a baby at 18. I washed my entire families clothes, cleaned up after everyone, everyone included my now husband, my 2 stepchildren, myself, & our baby. Stuff was hard for us & nobody helped us out but we are doing great now! because we worked hard, we now live in a beautiful gated community, we are married, have another child on the way, & my husband makes decent money but nobody handed us this stuff & we had it rough for a while. I know she's your daughter & you love her but truth is is that she is a woman. I mean, really, she's going to be a legal adult in 1yr, so she's not incapable of taking care of herself & that baby, it's done by plenty of women everyday. She's not a little girl, she is basically grown & I think that you should start telling her to be a little more apprecative of the things she does have, I would make her a list of all her expenses ( a rough estimate) if you were not helping her at all & then see if she wants to complain, tell her it's time to woman up a little bit & things could be a lot worse for her. If she can't clean up after herself then you shouldn't give her anymore dishes than that. Crap, my 12yr old wouldn't wash dishes after herself & kept reusing cups like it was nobody's business & I thought about doing that same thing you're doing with your daughter with her. So no that's far from abuse. I think she needs to go spend a couple of days with her baby in a woman's shelter & listen to some real problems. When Christmas or her birthday comes around, I mean you can give her a set of pots, that's what my mom gave me on my 18th birthday, that's what I said I wanted when she asked & I loved them & used them every bit! I am 21 yrs old now & I homeschool my eldest stepdaughter & treat her for severe psoriasis, take care of our youngest, & am pregnant with a fourth kid & have been taking care of mine & my family's business since I was 17yrs old. I think you are doing the right thing, good job, she's going to have to start learning that life isn't easy.

Answer 8

You are in no way abusing her.



You are giving her the essential skills to coping alone with a baby. Afterall you won't be around for ever. You have to make this clear to her.



She is at an advantage because she lives with you... most teenagers who become pregnant aren't anywhere near as lucky as your daughter.



Why should you wash, clean up after her??? I mean if anything she should be contributing to the bills, food, and paying rent and council tax. Nothing grows on trees.



I think what you are doing is right.



After a month, you should tell her to get a place of her own. Then she will thank you for teaching her all the skills to get on in life. She may not see it that way at the moment, but she will sooner or later.

Answer 9

You are absolutely NOT being abusive, you are trying to get her to grow up and become a responsible adult. Sounds like she is a little spoiled. But I am sure that eventually things will settle down and she will learn something from all of this. Hang in there, you are doing a great job.

Answer 10

In some ways you are teaching her valuble lessons but in other ways you are being a bit petty. You are a mother and she is a mother so you should treat each other with respect. Sit her down and say that you need to talk like adults. Explain that you need to work together to make this work. Sit down together and draw up a chore rota so you share the burden.



Is she still at school? If she is then dont you think that she also has a lot of pressure with work, school and a toddler?



Show her what bills you have to pay and ask her what she thinks is a fair share of this for her to pay. Dont approach her in a nagging or patronising way as nobody would respond well to this. Just say look we are a team now this is what we both need to do in order to make this work.

Answer 11

No your not being abusisve. You are doing a good job by teaching her responsibility. More parents need to do this! From the time i was 14-15, my mom worked the evening shift and as the oldest child, it was my responsibility to do everything including take care of my 4 younger siblings. My mom was a single mother so i was her only help. I never complained!!! Keep up the good work mom.

Answer 12

I think your absolutely doin the right thing. You are totally preparing her for the real world. I cannot say enough about the favor your doing her. I had a baby at 19 and needed to move back in with my parents. They did like you. I am now 30 and am so thankful they made me work hard and do the things they did. It was a big reality check that quickly prepared me for the future. I resisted but now I can say I have the utmost respect for them and my mom is now my best friend in the world and I adore her with all my heart.

Answer 13

Tell her to get her own darn place if she doesnt like the rules at home. Wow you really raised a brat!! She hasnt grown up a bit even tho she has a 1 and 1/2 year old. She's gonna have a hard time in the real world.

Answer 14

She's lucky you let her stay at the house at all! She is being lazy, selfish... my suggestion? Boot the bum. Tell her she can come back when she understands just how good she has it... and then take her back when she does. She'll be back inside a week... if not after the first night.



BTW... I was a good, clean kid... but when I started babysitting at *9*, my folks cut me off. They put the roof over my head and the food in my belly (most of the time)... anything else I wanted/needed (including clothes) was all up to me. AND I did most of the housework!

Answer 15

HI, I think you are trying to punish her. What kind of mother give her daughter one plate, one bowl, one knife, that sound so mean. You need to give your daughter alot of love love. She is still 17 teen and that mean she is tell yours to take care of. May be if you would stop looking at what she is do so wrong. You should talk to your daughter and put some love into your talking thing would go right. Right know you should be teaching her how to be a good mom and how to bring up a good child. It seem like you are enjoying this what you are doing to your daughter. So many people are tell you to punish her. But no one is talk about love in how you should love your daughter. She did not do any thing wrong all she did is have a baby. If you really want to get in to it wear was you when she was getting (PG). You are so worried about her have one plate one bowl. Why can't you worried about her feeling and her being a first time mom and working together at it.

Answer 16

I am an advocate for victims of all kinds of crimes and what we don't yet call crimes but need to. What you are doing is ABSOLUTELY not abuse. Some of the victims I've worked with don't have their parent's support for one reason or the other, at all. And anyway, she will have to learn these things for her own survival. On the other hand, the way that she talks to you might border slightly on emotional abuse. I think you should research that.

Answer 17

Tell her you could have thrown her out on the streets and yes she is learning responsibility for having a baby.Tell her you messed up by EVER trusting her and allowing her the opportunity to get pregnant in the first place.The difference between YOU and the "other parents" is that you LEARNED from your mistake and are correcting it, they will have more grandchildren soon.

Tell her it is not abuse,get over it or get a place of her own and move out.

Answer 18

you sound like a single mom who works and is tired of cleaning up after your daughter whether she has a child or not she should be responsible to clean up her mess and take care of her baby as well. she decided to raise the child and its her responsiblity to work and support it if she were living on her own she would have to do these things anyway atleast your making her save her money instead of paying rent she wouldnt have anything if it werent for you. being a single mom isnt easy i know im one and i dont have help from anyone

Answer 19

Great job! I used to HATE that my dad would get on my case about cleaning my room, or wouldn't let me go to bed without doing chores. My dad used to make me spit out my brand new piece of gum if I ate it loudly...and I used to think he was so mean.

Now I thank him for it.

It may be very very hard right now for you, and for her. But stick to your guns and in the future hopefully your daughter will thank you too.

Good luck!

Answer 20

I think you are doing the right thing.

If she was mature enough to have sex and get pregnant, she should be mature enough to live her life like an adult. Which means taking responsibilty for her own wellbeing.

Of course there is nothing wrong with helping out every now and then, but you are right to try and raise her to be responsible.

Answer 21

well yes you should tell her you ARE doing this because she has a baby, she NEEDS to learn responsibility NOW.

not only for herself but for her infant.



you didnt tell her to get pregnant, she did it herself. and now she needs to act like an adult. she obviously thought she was old enough to tackle the responsibilities of having sex..



if i were you i would tell her, i dont care how your friends get babied by their parents, she is your daughter and you are going to do what you think is best.



if she really thinks this is abuse let her call the police, i dont think, from what you say, anyone would disagree with you.

Answer 22

Why does she think YOU OWE her something, when she is the one who got PREGNANT without having the ability to take care of a child??(money etc)

Are there other facts?/? What is her side of the story?

Answer 23

i wish i had a medal; and the authority to give it to u.



ur daughter has a baby which makes her an adult, but wants to be a little girl. she needs for u to continue with the tough love until she realizes that baby or no baby, mum is not a slave.



u have all my support

Answer 24

I think you're doing a great job, keep it up. She'll appreciate your sternness when she's able to provide for her family and her friends with kids are assed out.or being abused.

Answer 25

good for you! I had a baby at 17 and my mother handed me everything! I really wish she wouldn't have, it would have made me depend on myself more! That is the only way to teach her..... Your not abusing her! She will be ok! At least she has a place to stay! :)

Answer 26

I think you are not abusing her, i think you are trying to make her do stuff and save money then do this and do that.Believe me you are not abusing her.She doesn't know you are the best.

Answer 27

why r u paying for toilet paper???, no ur not abusing her, show her the front door if she doesent like the deal!! she wont find better

Answer 28

YOUR DAUGHTER IS TOO LAZY TO DO THIS THINGS THAT YOU SAID. B/C SHE WANTS TO ENJOY LIFE ONLY. BETTER CHASE HER OUT AND LET HER DO IT HER OWN SELF. THAN ONLY SHE WILL KNOW.

Answer 29

"She is 17

I make her buy everything she needs for her self, including food

She thinks I am a bad mom because of this, She says I am only do it cause she has a baby and and I am trying to punish her..."





Sure sounds like she's right. Do whatever you like when she turns 18, but that's a lousy way to take care of a _kid_.



(And apparently everybody else here thinks she should be 'punished,' incessantly, for the teen-age childbearing. Uh, okay, but it's still a teen-age kid whose mother isn't feeding her...



That's a weird thing to want to "teach" children -- "Life is cruel and you shouldn't think you can rely on family/loved ones for support.")



Weird. I hope none of the "She freely chose to give up her "teenage" life when she freely chose to have a baby" folk here are the same ones crapping all over themselves to say "ABORTION = MURDER!! Tell your Mom, she'll understand and help you!" in the 'Pregnancy' section, but, somehow, I don't think so...



I'm not saying this girl doesn't sound a bit pathetic with the dishes and laundry, but Mom's asking for a pat on the back because she supplies the toilet paper and that's it.



I wish the original poster well in any endeavour to be _friends_ with her daughter in the future.

Answer 30

you are doing her a BIG favor teaching her about REAL life



keep it up

Answer 31

she needs to grow up thats life she might not see it now but you are helpping her

Answer 32

I think you should AT LEAST help her out a little bit. She is 17 years old still a teenager. Your a parent. The jobs of parents is to parent their children. So, in my opinion you should help her do something and giver her maybe a little more dishes to work with :P