Am I realistic or mean?

Jenny

2012-02-09 05:00:45 UTC

The sound makes the music... It's not what you say. It's how you say it. In real life, what you say can be softened by your body language and other gestures. Online, it's just words and not many people are eloquent enough to sound polite and caring while being honest. I know, I am not.

You say that your mother was very strict and hard on you but that you turned out to be a strong and very independent person. Now, you have realized that some people consider you to be too harsh and maybe even "mean". That's part of your upbringing. Your mother was harsh and by being that way, failed to teach you compassion. Telling the truth was more important than being considerate of other people's feelings.

TyrannosaurusBex

2012-02-09 16:30:57 UTC

No i agree. You should not try to tell others how to parent though, worry about your own kids, however I do agree with you. My family was full of problems and i will say that my parents over-did things in a lot of ways. However despite the fact I don't get on with her my mother was always a figure of authority for me. It was always she was my mother and I was to show her respect--my dad reinforced this rule as well. She was not my friend growing up and I feel that is how it should be. Just because you are not your daughter's friend and hold a position of authority over her does not mean you have to be mean and cold and distant. But there was always a sort of sense of her being a parent over me if that makes sense. And in many ways she is a strong, independent woman and I think this helped me I'm not saying I am the strongest of people out there but her being strong made me (in some ways lol) quite strong I would say.

Lars-Erik

2012-02-09 13:00:59 UTC

Being strict is okay as long as you are fair and consistent. Just don't let it get away from you. I think most people who gets "to soft" as you say, are afraid that they will start out being strict but slowly turn tyrannical.

It is also important to show the other side to If you are only strict and do not show any love you children may chose not to be around you when they grow up strict and loving is not mutually exclusive.

Now I know you didn't actually say anything about it but I will say this anyway. Personally I don't believe in physical punishments as it does more harm then good in the long run. I have worked whit aggressive kids and I have found that it is unnecessary and often used by parents under stress or who are unable to talk properly to their kids. In my country it is a also against the law and punchable whit up to 10 years in prison. But as I said in the you did not really say anything about this so I will leave it at that.

2012-02-09 12:52:16 UTC

You may believe you are strong and independent but are you nice?It seems you think it is beneficial for parents to be unkind and "hard" on their kids.It seems to me that by receiving this treatment yourself you have turned into quite a hard person yourself.I treat my children as I would like to be treated and take the time out to teach them rather than just get nasty and start laying down the law.

You see it's important to me that they grow up full of empathy,not hardened and numbed to others feelings.It's important to me they are nice and considerate and that they have self discipline and a high self esteem.I try my best to bring out those qualities in them.

To add yes,I do think you should be honest with people about their problems,that's all you can do but whether that person is willing to listen is another story.Many people can't handle the truth because the truth can be painful and they are not willing to go through that pain in order to change and help themselves.Or a solution may be difficult and they do not want to put the effort in to sort things out correctly.If someone is not ready to do that then there's not much you can do.You do have to consider maybe it's you that is wrong though as it's possible to misread a situation when on yahoo answers you only get a few paragraphs at most about someones issues.

awkwardly balanced

2012-02-09 12:46:33 UTC

‎"When words are both true and kind, they can change our world." -Buddha

I go for true at least, if I can't be kind. But remember, if you don't speak in words that the other person can hear, then you are wasting your breath. You do have a stake in at least trying to organize your words in a way that other people can hear. If you are overly harsh, they will not be able to "hear" what you are saying because the harsh overpowers and drowns out the wisdom from their perspective. If you have something of value to say, and wish to take the time to share it, you should take a moment to see if there is a way to phrase it. I don't think being nice is the #1 consideration, and if I want to show anger, I am very purposely provocative. If your words "hurt feelings" then that is all you will accomplish - so keep your actual goal in mind.

Missy

2012-02-09 13:31:53 UTC

I think you just have an idea of what is right and what is wrong and that you are not going to stray from that just because someone disagrees with your view. That is the way you should be.

There is a mental decline in this new generation. Kids today are not taught morals, values and etiquette. At least that is the way I see it. My daughter has already at 8yrs old noticed her home life is different from her friends. She has a strict bedtime, chores, lots of rules and she has consequences if she deviates. I can't count the number of times I have seen her little friends talk back to their parents and throw fits. She knows I don't tolerate that and because she doesn't act that way I rarely say no to her. But I make my aware she gets things because she is good and has earned them. I point out when she does something wrong...but you have to be tactful and loving with it. Hurting her feelings is not an option for me. We have to do the work it takes to mold our kids into decent human beings. That is our job as parents.

Don't let anyone tell you how to raise your kids. The way they behave is a reflection on you as a parent. Sounds like you will be just fine.

2012-02-09 12:46:47 UTC

This one is connected to social norms and expectations, i.e. the culture we live in. Nowdays people don't expect you to tell openly everything you have to /think of. It's expected that you wrap it up and serve with a bow. I will agree with you to certain extent, i.e. you can tell what you really think to people you are close to, and who know you and therefore know that you mean no harm and have no intent to hurt but to tell the truth as you see it, and give advice to help. For others, you can't expect to understand your best intentions-because they don't know you well enough. Any anyway,I wouldn't waste my time in explaning my best intentions to anyone whom I don't care about.

Regarding kids, that's even more difficult topic, especially when talking about discipline. Above said can also apply to this one, so won't repeat it.

Stella

2012-02-09 12:43:55 UTC

It isn't wrong to be strict about certain things, like safety and good manners. Being strict about everything, will get you a lot of headaches and frustrations. Its a balancing act, one which I think you haven't experienced yet. I'd wait until you actually have kids before you start making hard and fast rules about being strict. Parenthood is a tricky job, not one to approach with a "take no prisoners" attitude. Good luck when it happens to you !

hello

2012-02-09 12:43:56 UTC

I am the same way as you. I tell people on here the truth, and I usually am the only one while others tell them what they want to hear so I get a bunch of thumbs down and horrible comments but its fine. Like when people say "I am 2 months late with negative blood tests and pregnancy tests but I know I am pregnant" and people say "you are pregnant I was!!" and I say "Uh.. no you are not sorry" and I get slammed for being the only one to be honest. But its yahoo answers ... I am honest, I say the truth and if people choose to only hear what they want to hear thats their problem

K

2012-02-09 14:26:59 UTC

Eh, there are lots of "strict" parents. Their kids get spanked or punished in some other way -- over and over and over and over...

It doesn't work very well, and there are loads of ways to raise well-behaved children without punishment, without being harsh, without being mean, without _fighting with one's children_, which is (1) ridiculous; the adult has all the power, there is just no need, (2) a terrible example of human relations to model for young people, (3) not good for maintaining the sort of close nurturing relationship with one's offspring that's so critical to maintaining a connection in the teen years.

"What's Wrong With Strict Parenting?

Research show that most people think strict parenting produces better-behaved kids. However, research studies on discipline consistently show that strict, or authoritarian, child-raising actually produces kids with lower self esteem who behave worse than other kids -- and therefore get punished more! Strict parenting actually creates behavior problems in children."

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/strict-parenting

Good strategies:

"Something Better Than Punishment"

http://www.aces.edu/pubs/docs/H/HE-0687/

"Building a Positive Relationship with Your Child"

http://www.aces.edu/pubs/docs/H/HE-0684/

"Am I Spoiling My Child?"

http://www.aces.edu/pubs/docs/H/HE-0718/

"Helping Young Children Behave"

http://www.aces.edu/pubs/docs/H/HE-0719/

I also recommend watching "Mary Poppins" if one is completely clueless as to how to keep kids in line without being a jerk about it. You can't see her yelling or hitting or something, right? And yet... Brisk, chipper efficiency crossed with love makes one's "no" more meaningful than "no -- *spank*."

My daughter is _wholly_ unpunished; I get a constant stream of compliments on her behaviour from friends and strangers. I have recommended the monographs above to others and had "Okay, things are totally different around here now, for the better" from parents who've followed the advice.

"Maybe it's because alot of the people on here haven't grown up yet..."

I'm pushing forty. As you get older, you relax a bit, generally, and priorities shift and one is not so easily excitable. It seems from this vantage point that the younger parents are more anxious about behaviour issues and thus more inclined to punish and be harsh (and this is actually backed up by some statistics).

Rubix cube

2012-02-09 15:12:10 UTC

I WAS CRYING THATS WHY THE COP SAID IT I HAVE AN EMOTIONAL PROBLEM YOU INSENSITIVE JERK SHE HITS ME CAUSE IM NOT PERFECT MAYBE YOU SHOULD THINK BEFORE YOU SHOOT UR MOUTH OFF YOU *****

DJ 7r3kn0

2012-02-09 12:45:05 UTC

ur doing fine..

and i c that problem 2...that kids 2day are not that innocent anymore

keep it up..but don't be mean

2012-02-09 13:13:02 UTC

buy your child stuff and he will love you more.