SAHM's do you ever struggle with self esteem issues or depression?

Question

I've been a stay at home Mom for a little less than 2 years now. I don't regret it. I love my daughter more than anything in the world and I'm very grateful that I can be home to raise her myself, I also believe that it is what's best for her; but I feel like the non-mom, personal self side of me has really taken a hit. I feel guilty saying that but I think that staying home is a sacrifice as well as a blessing.

I think that the following things have effected me the most:

I don't always feel like I am recognized for the work that I do and I don't get a paycheck reinforcing that my work has value. Therefore I feel a sense of unimportance and dependency. Both self esteem killers.

I spend my day performing tasks that require no intelligence to perform. Washing dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, chasing a toddler around. There is nothing mentally stimulating about my day and sometimes I feel like a scullery maid.

I miss the social aspect of working. Since I can't have a mentally stimulating conversation with my 16 month old, I feel lonely most of my day, and most of my friends are out of state. Lets just say that a FB addiction has developed.

I feel unattractive. I used to dress in cute clothes and leave the house feeling confident and good. Even if I only went to work that day I felt like I at least looked nice. Now that I'm home I usually don't go anywhere and I don't have much time to get myself ready, at least until she naps in the afternoon. I usually spend my day in sweats or worn out jeans getting food thrown at me, milk spilled on me, crayons drawn all over me and when the day is over I feel like the personal part of me is gone and I'm just a disheveled Mommy in messy clothes.

I feel disrespected for being a SAHM, mostly by the comments of people that I don't know well or strangers that I don't know at all. I know that their opinions shouldn't bother me, but they do. It seems like so many people think that stay at home moms just sit and eat bon bons all day. You hear it all of the time online and sometimes on the radio or tv. I feel like even though I'm on call 24/7. Taking care of the house, cooking, laundry, chasing my kid all over the place cleaning up poo and throw up, there are people who think that I just stay home and do nothing. Like I have no purpose, no ambition or that I'm lacking the intelligence to do a 'real' job. It sucks, and sometimes I fantasize about smacking them in the face.

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling. Can any of you relate? How do you cope when you're feeling down, or what do you do to prevent it? Thanks!

Answer 1

I know the feeling!! I have 3 kids, of whom I have only been able to stay at home with the last, who is 5 now.



When I get to where you are feeling I try to make it a point to get up and dressed nicely before the kids wake up. Hair, makeup, the whole bit. It is amazing how much of a difference that can make.



Also you can try to see if there is a local mommy group that you can hook up with. Take your little one to the park and meet other mommies. Getting out of the house can help alot. I always get really bad by spring because I have been cooped up inside for so long.



Find a babysitter and enjoy a night out with hubby! Get all dressed up and go to the movies and dinner (or something you enjoy doing together). If a babysitter is not an option, put the little one to bed a little early and get all dressed up for a candle lit dinner at home. Spend the evening talking about what your typical days are like and just basically catching up/reconnecting. I know that when hubby and I get some time together I feel better about everything.



Skip FB for a week ( I know, easier said than done). Make a resolution to stay off the computer for non essential things for a whole week. You will find that you will try to find something else to keep you busy. Call an old friend that you have not spoken to in a while.



Join a gym. Exercise releases endorphins, helping to block the chemicals that cause depression. Most gyms have daycares right inside. Your little one will be just fine for an hour while you work out. Even if you do not have any more baby weight to lose, it will feel good to get/keep in shape. You may meet other moms there too.



Take a class. Either at a local community college.



Being at home is definitely a sacrifice and a blessing. I love being at home with my kids (#4 is due in June), but I miss ME! There is nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you make time to keep in touch with you. Talk to your husband and let him know how you feel.

Answer 2

I'm a SAHD, and I'd say that, yes, those things are risks of the lifestyle that we are very very lucky to enjoy. Except for the disrespect part, even as a SAHD, as opposed to a SAHM, I think we tend to get far stronger respect than any minor disrespect we get. It may be that the admiration has made you sensitive to slights. Most slights I receive are due to my being male, but have in rare instances been told that I should get more respect of I was a single parents (not a widower just single). Perhaps the workload would be more, but do we really think that it is in societies best interest to go out of our way to pay with respect single parents? We should not offend their dignity to be sure.



You spouse cannot cause you to value yourself single handedly, and it is doubtful that in our culture you'll be able to all the support you need if you are thin skinned, but, just remind yourself that all is well, and you have a very highly respected position in society.



Oh, it will help you feel valuable if you read news, so that you can talk about stuff. If you maybe watch some sports or something. If you write politicians and become some kind of an activist. Volunteer for other stuff if you actually have the time, but, I know that places rarely have child care for their volunteers. Make sure you work out and have our spouse do so as well...



If all else fails, tell your doctor, you should be in excellent spirits, because by and large you have things very very good by almost every relative indicator. You being upset, like this question might be insulting to some people, and potentially to your spouse as well.



Also, make sure that you call your spouse out whenever they verbally abuse you for not having the dinner on the table or whatever, if that happens. I think that is one reason for feeling like you do. Also, you might just need to get some sleep. Don't blame the job if you aren't getting AT LEAST 7 hours a night.

Answer 3

I think EVERY SAHM in the world can relate to some, if not all, of this. And it is not a weakness to feel this way. I often feel this way, especially the part about it not being recognized as valuable and important. It is hard to spend days dealing with a difficult baby only to have it be "overlooked" and devalued when the "what do you do" questions appear. It is important, but seems like our world today is even more likely to put it down as a legitimate career alternative.



Look for a mom's group. I am serious. Me and friend started one where I live because there was not one. And now there are 31 moms involved, all of whom have some of these feelings! It is hard to stay at home and have no one to talk adult talk to, no one who helps watch the child while you get a shower, and no one who really thinks your job requires mental challenges (it really does though, what better problem solving skills are there then when your child needs a nap and you have to find the quickest route home so they don't fall asleep in the car?!) And keep talking about it. I find I HATE mothers who act like this whole motherhood thing is just "awesome and great and nothing but fun" and that staying home with the kids is "rewarding and delightful and perfect." I want to kill them because I know from experience that it is sometimes just the opposite. You will find a mommy-friend who has these same feelings and feel ten times less alone.

Answer 4

I think most of stay at home moms can relate to that, you by no means are alone.. I have been home now for almost 8 y, with some short part time jobs that lasted a couple of months between my kids ( 7, 4, 3, y olds) I'm going to school online and planning to get a full time job by the end of the year.

Some years have been harder than others. There have been times when I've had many friends that I would see daily and spend time with them and their kids and then there have been times when I have no one living any where close to me that I know and I have spent most of my days alone with my kids ( we live in the states in a city thats mostly occupied by military families and these families move around a lot, so I need to make new friends all the time.. its frustraiting to say the least)

I've found that I have the hardest time when I have no one ( an adult) to spend my time with. I love my kids and have never regretted staying home with them but it can take a hit on your own personal 'me' life.. If you understand.. and I guess you do.

My advice is to just find as many mommy friends with kids around your kids age as you can, play groups, church groups, that one woman you see at the park all the time, just talk to her. I'm sure she wont mind at all of getting a new friend. I found some of my best friends while pushing my kid on a swing. These women know what you are going thru, they can relate to theissues you face everyday and then can give you encouragement that many other people cant. And I by no means am an outgoing person who finds it easy to talk up total strangers but what Ive come to find out is that its very easy to start up a conversation about your kids and then go from there.

The housework can be mundane, theres not much to do about that other than to put a smile on your face and sing a song while you do it lol

As for feeling unattractive just slap some makeup on every once in a while and do your hair. After having kids your clothes may fit differently but if it wasnt for your body your child wouldnt be here, so if I can never wear a bikin again, its ok..

Many working moms are jealous of the fact that you get to stay at home and therefore just like bullies at school will pick on the ones they envy. Its sad and all moms should pull together but it happens. Theres nothing much you can do about it, just know your worth and the fact that you are making a difference in your daughters life is all that matters. Not what some snooty person you barely know thinks..

Answer 5

definitely, some years in the past once I fell right into a ridiculously deep melancholy, faith became the clarification for it. yet that became in straightforward terms by way of fact i became ingesting heavily on the time and fully at conflict with God over what became occurring contained in the worldwide of guy and His likely and maddeningly incomprehensible tactic of ultimate so aloof from all of it. How did I ever recover from this? I hit all-time low with the alcohol, went by 5 interventions, 2 suicides, and a lot of anti-depressants/anti-psychotics and dissimilar guy hours of severe counseling. Then I basically walked faraway from the alcohol and prescription soreness-killer addictions and regained my recommendations as quickly as lower back. presently, God and me have annoying discussions wherein I tell Him he's gonna could do greater in terms of transforming into issues take place that i actually basically can not do, and that if He needs my soul ultimately, then it won't have the capacity to all be His way completely- in any different case, all bets are off. it relatively is basically the way it must be. whilst i desire some likely impossible concern further to a exact in my desire, or whilst i desire somebody taken out of ways for any of a myriad of motives- it basically greater suitable take place. so some distance, I even have attended the funerals of two people I explicitly asked God to eliminate from the earth. If I had to liken myself to any OT prophet it would Habbukuk by way of fact whilst it is composed of me and God, i'm an incessant complainer.

Answer 6

I can completely relate to everything you said except the feeling disrespected...I usually get "oh that's so great" when I tell people I am staying home for now.



I also feel socially awkward when I am out...like I no longer have anything interesting to contribute to the conversation.



My addiction involves Y/A versus your FB...