Working mother, do you feel that someone else is raising your kids for you?

Question

Yesterday I posted a question asking about people's day cares and this "Holy then thou Perfect" Mother states how her kids will NEVER go to day care because she didn't have them to have someone else raise them. So in response I told her not everyone is as lucky as she is to be able to stay home with their children and maybe she shouldn't judge people so quickly.
Then she said how she would downsize her home (I guess she thinks the market is fantastic and you can sell your home rather quickly these days *eye roll*).

I have been very fortunate to be able to stay home for the first 15 months of my LO life. But I do have to return to work. My hubby's job is cutting hours big time and I have to do to help pay for food and stuff. I am not just doing this so I can buy more things, I am doing this to survive. Lucky I only need to go back 3 days a week and I have an awesome job where I can make good money in a 6 hour shift or so.

Working Mom's do you feel that someone else is raising your child for you? How do you deal those "Perfect" people when they make nasty comments, Like we don't care about our children, when in fact it is the reason we do work?

Answer 1

Oh don't worry about whoever that was. There's always one insensitive jackass on here who can't wait to put other people down, especially when it comes to working and daycare. How is being away 18 hours a week the same as you not raising your child? It's not.



When I'm at work my daughter is with her father so I really can't complain...but someone on here has put me down for that as well.



I ignore them and feel sorry for their children that they're being raised (24/7 no less) by such a jerk.

Answer 2

Awww hun, don't let that person get you down! You are doing what is best for your family by going back to work, you are making a huge sacrifice so that your child will be fed and in a heated house ANY mother would make that same sacrifice if it came down to it (and if they didn't make that choice and chose to starve and be cold instead CPS would be after them).



The person who answered like that is wrong. We all know there is only SO much scrimping and saving and coupon cutting a person can do, at some point its just not enough to help the family survive like having a job would be.



And like you said, you've been with your LO for 15 months! That is awesome! You got her entirely through babyhood without being in daycare, many many kids only get 6 weeks at home with mom and then they are one of the masses in daycare.



She is a toddler now, I think itll probably be good for her to get some socialization even (not saying you don't socialize her, but in a different setting). And you are only going back part-time which is WONDERFUL.



So, in your case NO the daycare will NOT be raising your child. Before having my son, I nannied for a few years in Seattle. And I can honestly say that there are people out there who pay someone else to raise their kids, but you aren't one of them. I worked for a family that had two nannies, they worked us such long hours (because they didn't want to spend time alone with their twins ever) that they needed two. If the dad has a business function at night, mom would have the nanny come watch the kids instead of just holding down the fort herself. Those kids never saw their parents. You aren't like that though, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. That person is a bully and has no room to judge.

Answer 3

Hey there! Don't you give a second thought to what anyone has to say. I have been a working mom for 23 yrs so I know how difficult it is to make that initial decision to go back. This is survival. Especially these days, it is just not an option. You are not doing this because you just want to get out of the house, You are doing this to feed, clothe and house your child. I have always made a point of spending quality time with my children. It is not about the quantity. The other upside to think of is you are instilling a wonderful work ethic and life lessons in your child. As your child gets older, he/she will see what mommy does and will understand why (they don't miss a trick and are much smarter than we give them credit for). This is a wonderful gift to give your child and will help to better prepare He/she for life. You simply have to do what you have to do. Don't get me wrong, there have been many times throughout the years where the pangs on mommy guilt came into play. I just had to remind myself that I am doing the right thing and the best that I can.You can simply not expect more from yourself. You go back to work and know that this has no bearing on what kind of mother you are. You are sacrificing being at home with your child to do the right thing. You hang in there and realize the strength it takes to do this. You're a good mommy and anyone who has an opinion otherwise is just ignorant. I wish you the best of luck and every child should have the parenting that you clearly exhibit. I hope that this has helped you in some small way.

Answer 4

No I don't feel that someone else is "raising my child" for me.



If it's between "downsizing" my family out of medical insurance and a roof over our heads...or sucking it up and getting off my asss to earn a living...then guess what? I'm working.



As far as the "Perfect" people that make nasty comments...they're clearly ignorant to the privilege they've been given and too stupid to see that we all do what we can for our kids and just because we have different methods...doesn't make either one of us more correct than the other...



Frankly...with the limited time I have between raising my son, being pregnant with another and working full time...it's not worth my time worrying about people too ignorant and self involved to see past their own situations to at least see the worth in how others live theirs.



Whatever our situations, in home or out...we all do what we can and what we have to...



To hell with the wingnuts that just don't get it.

Answer 5

Working moms do you feel that someone else is raising your child for you?

Its a necesity these days, yep they sure are. Thats why it pays to drop in occassionally and see what really goes on. Thats why a childs fear after being somewhere over a month or two should be taken seriously.

Thats why a happy child, whose being nurtured, loved and well taken care of, the caregiver should be thanked and thanked for their loving and devoted care. AND, people should not take advantage of their caregivers by showing up late all the time, respect their caregivers time to be OFF work too!

Those who you mention, dont know what their talking about, and they are not mainstream USA. The only moms who intentionally put their kids in day care, are those that are career driven people.

The rest do it as they must eat, so they must work.

Its been that way throughout time, either u strap the child to your back, and plow the field, or you bring your elders to live with you or close to you, or you hope u find good honest loving people to watch your kids. REmember too, they are not you and will not be perfect, thats ok, diversity in life is a good thing, being adaptable, is a good trait.

Answer 6

I think there is a difference between moms who work out of necessity and those who choose to work so they can keep up with the Jones. I was a single mom with my son, my husband walked out on us when he was 2; so I had no choice but to work. Yes I did feel someone else was raising my child. Thankfully it was my sis so I knew he was being raised how I wanted him to be. I also think the moms who choose to work even though they don't have to are doing both themselves and their children a disservice and pushing their parenting off on others. I have made many sacrifices to stay home with my daughter and even though things are very tight and will probably get worse before they get better I will not go back to work a minute earlier than I have to. I am her mom, I gave birth to her, and it is my privilege to raise her. I know the day will come all too soon when I have to go back to work and it will be one of the saddest day of my life.

Answer 7

I never felt that way. And no one has ever made me feel that way. Although I'm sure it happens. the difference between YA and real life is in real life they wait until you're out of the room. It's easy to be tough from behind a computer screen where there's a Power switch and a Block button.



Take about 35% of what you hear on here at face value anyway. I quite doubt most people would live in a box if their SAHM situation flipped, just to die on their sword. To best accommodate your situation doesn't make you a hypocrite. I firmly believe in back-sleeping as infants but when my screaming baby refused to sleep like that, guess what? I flipped him over. I removed the bumper, stuffed animals and any other potential dangers and "best accommodated" my situation when it changed. Never felt for a minute that I was weak in my belief.

Answer 8

no matter the circumstance, there's always someone to critique some choice you made. that just means they would do it differently. maybe she was trying to say there might be another way and she was giving her experience as example.



when this happens to me, i listen, nod, and move on. if it's valuable advice, i use it. if not, i say thanks anyway, but what i'm doing is working pretty well.



no, i absolutely do not think working moms deserve any less praise for working out of the home. the child is being cared for, healthy and happy, and that is all that matters. YOU are still the Mama. no one can ever replace you. don't let people get to you.



though i think maybe this woman might have been well-meaning??? idk. i didn't see the q or her response.

Answer 9

It feels like a burn, like I don't love my child.



I am a single mom, who receives zero support from my child's father. The child was a miracle, because I wasn't supposed to be able to have children, but she was also unplanned. So people would be up in arms if I had an abortion (and I could never do that), and I couldn't give her up, that's just not me.



Nobody wants me sitting around collecting welfare, right? So I'm a working mom, it's just that simple. What choice do I have?



If people believe that sending your child to day care is letting someone else raise them, then I would assume they are also homeschooling. After all, isn't sending them to school for eight hours also letting the school raise them? How about all those self righteous SAHM (not all of them, just the self righteous ones) keep their children home and homeschool. That might take some of the burden off of the public school system.



I love my daughter, she knows it, and I have raised her with my values, and she is happy. I don't care what anyone else thinks.

Answer 10

I don't feel like someone else is raising my children. I pay someone to do a job while I am at work. When my children and I are at home together - after work - we have quality time and make the best of every moment we have.



Do the best you can/ be the best mother you can be - that is all you can do - never base your feelings on what someone else says - especially when you know what kind of mom you are....

Answer 11

I don't feel like someone else is raising my daughter. I feel like she is helping me out by watching my daughter for a couple of hours while I work to put food on the table and pay the bills. Even if I had the opportunity to be a SAHM I don't think I would. Being a SAHM isn't for everyone. Some people have the luxury and that is great. I work to be able to give my daughter the things she needs. For people who make nasty comments about my life and me not being a SAHM I just blow it off. Everyone has their opinion on something and something ugly to say about someone whether it be bottle feeding, circumcision, ear piercing or not being a SAHM. Don't let those people get to you. You are doing what you need to do to make a good life for your daughter. Nothing is wrong with that!

Answer 12

I was fortunate to be a stay at home mom, but my daughter is not. I stay home and take care of her second, her first went to daycare most of the time. Millions of parents have to work, and by some miracle, (not), their children always know them and still love them above anyone....So, it's nice to be able to stay home and raise them, but unpractical for most, and the children are not suffering...

Answer 13

Q1: No, I feel that someone else is babysitting my children during the day while I work. They are also educating and socializing my children in a pre-school environment and feeding them healthy food. My kids spend approximately 36 hours a week in day care. I'd hardly call that raising.



Q2: I ignore them.

Answer 14

I didn't see this particular answer and I know that some people can be ridiculously insensitive. But as a former working mom who quit her job to stay home, it's hard for me to talk about why I made that decision without appearing to slag on people who made a different choice. Even in real life - I have a close friend who must go back to work after 12 weeks. And it's difficult to answer when she asks me about my decision. Because the truth is I hated not being with my son, I didn't want to put him in day care because I thought that was the wrong place for him and I was stressed out and tired being the working mother of an infant. It felt worth it to go without a lot of things in order to be able to stay home. That's not a criticism of her choice or your choice or anything like that. But they are my reasons, does that make sense?



It's like when breastfeeding moms describe the lengths they would go to in order to avoid giving their baby even one sip of formula - it feels like criticism, but really it's just a totally different paradigm. They aren't talking about me, or to me, but if it's something I'm sensitive about (and I am sensitive about that) it's difficult not to read it as a criticism. But they are really (unless they are deliberately being an asshole) just talking about THEMSELVES.

Answer 15

Nope. I am very involved in the things my son does at daycare. I am the one who says he cant have his paci not them. I am the one who says what foods he can and cant eat, not them. To be honest i think my son would be miserable at home if i was a SAHM.He loves socialzing and playing with other kids. I have had my finace's aunts make snide comments about her kids never going to daycare and blah blah. We also have a niece who is 4 months older than my son and not in daycare but she has been so sick since she was born. Thank God my son has only had rotovirus when he was 4 months and just colds. She was hospitalized a few times.I wish i could work part time but I am unable to right now. My fiance has a good job but he still needs my help.

Answer 16

Sometimes people have such low self esteem that they feel the need to degrade others so they can raise themselves above someone. She probably gets ordered around by her husband and now she is taking it out on working moms.



Give me a break, if you are able to be a SAHM and make it ~ kudos to you! But so many families have the need for both parents to work to make ends meet. I am a single mother and I suppose I could stay home and "raise my own child" ~ that is if you are willing to pay for my welfare.



I love my son just as much as any sahm, circumstances are different for everyone and it does not make one situation right and the other wrong. It is what it is.

Answer 17

No, I don't feel someone else is raising my kids for me. And I don't go to work because I have to not to starve. I go to work because I like using my brain and I'm good at it, and because I get on far better with my kids when I spend some of the time fighting with complex maths and recalcitrant computer programs. Yes, I'm the worst mother of all time :)



But at least my daughter can see a potential future for herself other than keeping house and looking after kids, or never getting married and having children. I do wonder how some of these "perfect" mothers whose lives revolve 100% around their kids, homes and husbands keep a straight face while telling their daughters that education is important.



Mums are allowed to have a life too. Just because my kids are the most important thing in my life doesn't mean they have to be the only thing in it.

Answer 18

No.



And im confident enough in my family and choices that the other adults who influence their lives and their childhoods are enriching it.



The one thing I am more than happy to argue for is flexible work schedules, work at home, elimination of horrible commutes (both for time and the waste of energy) for anyone, not just parents.



I also find that a lot of the "agression" isnt always between moms and their choices. Where Ill be more bother'ed is by co-worker's comments (who's spouse stays home) than the stay-at-home parent. Similarily when I was at home, it would bug me more that my husband could go out to lunch at work, (a working parent) then other moms that work.

Answer 19

my 21 month old has been in daycare since 12 weeks old.. sad face... when he was that young i did feel like that .. now that he knows his mama and dada , i don't... i personally have never come across anyone downing me for my decision to daycare.. of coarse i would LOVE to be able to afford to stay home, but i can't and i would simply ignore anyone that tries to belittle me for my choices.. don't stoop to ignorant peoples levels..

Answer 20

I worked in a daycare, and the people like you were not the ones that bothered me. I worked on a military base and in order for kids to attend there, you had to have a double income home, and parents would bring their kids 12 hours a day, then ask for babysitters on the weekends so they could go out, and the mom only volunteered. What you are doing is understandable, and i PLAN to put my kid in part time daycare so they can make friends and learn how to interact with people. the mom who was talking about never putting her children in there will probably have a child who bites, or has no friends because he or she doesnt know how to act around other children and adults.

Answer 21

No because i swore i would always work graveyard. My kids are asleep and im home to get them ready for school and then i sleep and im there when they get out of school. Its like i was never even gone. You get used to the hours and everybody wins!

Answer 22

I don't fault a person for thinking that staying home with their child is important. But I also don't fault people for having to work, you gotta do what you gotta do.



Neither is wrong, but I don't think SAHMs who feel it is important to stay home with their child are "frustrated at the choices they made" as another person suggested - the SAHM was expressing their opinion about it, that is what is important to them.



If you feel insulted simply ignore their comment, I could choose to be insulted at a million things I read on here but I just ignore....no reason to get upset about it. Just do whatever you have to do.

Answer 23

in defense of those of us who are sahms ... most of us think that's utterly stupid. we know you're raising your kids and doing your best for them, same as us. it's not stay-at-home-mom v. working mom .... it's arrogant obnoxious people v. normal people.

Answer 24

first off..ignore those crazy comments....people on here come up with some crazy stuff....i work but i work evenings..so i am home all day with my son...then he goes across the street to my in-laws for a few hours until my husband comes home....



you know you are doing best for you child(ren). the members of the PPP (perfect parenting patrol) you will be able to spot them quickly..just ignore them

Answer 25

Nope, never felt like that and usually I ignore them safe in the knowledge that I am an independent person who charts my own life.



I think the SAHMs who feel like this are seriously frustrated with their choices and are looking to vent on others for not making the choices they have. They are martyrs and are mad that they aren't being revered.