What should a child call their step mother?

Question

I have a 4 year old daughter who is in my care 50% of the time(e.g wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday - goes back to her mothers saturday night).

My fiance and i are getting married soon and she has been in mine and my daughters lives since my daughter just turned three. Prior to that i was doing the single father thing.

My daughter has started calling her mum which we both think is nice. She knows the difference as she will say I have a real mum and a step mum when questioned about it.

Her real mother has just found out and is not impressed at all. I have told her not to feel threatened as we are not wanting to take my daughter away from her but my ex just doesn't understand.

Is it alright for a young child to call their step mother mummy or should they be called by their real name?

Answer 1

I can kinda see where her real mother is coming from, having her child call someone else mom could hurt.



From someone who has a step-dad and a step-mom, I've always called them by their first names. Neither of them mind, and it's really because I don't feel comfortable calling them mom and dad because, to me, it feels like I'm betraying my biological parents.



Really, what a child calls their step-parent should be what makes the child comfortable and nothing should be forced on them.

Answer 2

I'm a step mother as well, My step daughter is 9 and her mother died a few years ago, and she never had a relationship with her mother. I married her father last year and she calls me Mrs My name!! which i hate so much. I think a child should call there step parent mommy then there name. I don't see a problem with that. If the child is comfortable with mom then that should be it.



I can see where the birth mother would feel some how, but it's about the child..

Answer 3

Well, as long as she knows the difference, I dont see anything wrong. But I totally can see how the real mom would be offended. The name mom has such emotional connotation, that some women are not able to bear their child calling someone else mom.



Your child demonstrate she knows the diff, but the real mom will take this as the child loving the step mom more, wanting to be with the step mom more. TO an adult, 'mom' constitutes someone you love, someone who raised you, the one person who fought for you. To a mom, calling someone mom represents love and trust.



Your 4 year old child doesnt get the connotation of love and trust. Just that the new person is now your wife, and takes care of her sometimes, so she is a mom.



I think if for no other reason than to keep the real mom from feeling resentful, you should teach your child to call the step mom either her name, or some nick name other than mom.

Answer 4

I think it is marvelous. I have 3 of my own, and 3 step kids. They are grown now and were not allowed by their mother to call me anything that resembled mother. That upset them and made them see her as self-centered and selfish. They also felt that she cared more about making sure they didn't care for me (didn't work!) then about how they felt about their relationship with me. They had several anger issues with her that were all her own doing--example: she threw away anything they brought home that she thought or knew came from me--even if daddy had actually given it to them--including much needed clothing and shoes! You know the kind of actions I am speaking of. Everyone almost has heard about these behaviors.

You might copy paste this and show it to your wife--this is NOT an isolated incident. I know several other people who have been on both sides that went through this. Tell your ex that it will hurt her in the long run because children are very perceptive and they do grow up and remember everything. Besides hurting your daughter!

Answer 5

personally, i wouldn't want my daughter calling anyone else "mum." the term "mum" is very special, and i can see how your ex would not appreciate it. if your ex was no longer in the picture, and her stepmother was the only mum she had, then i think it would be different/ however, since this isn't the case, i think your daughter should come up with a different name to call her step-mother. it doesn't have to be her real name, it could be a different term-- but let your ex keep the title of "mum."



just out of curiosity, would you be okay with your daughter calling another man "daddy"? i'm not being a smart ***; i'd really like to know...

Answer 6

I suggest that your fiance should be reffered to as maybe



MAMA then her name



The birth mother is still in the picture so the birth mother should be MOMMY, I mean kids will call people what they feel. I think its important that the step mother have her name after the Mama title.



I am a step-mom and have been in my son's life since he was 6 months old. he is now almost 8. he calls me MOM and his birth mother is no longer in the picture. We tried to have my name put on after that, but my step-son won't have anything to do with that, he feels that he truly was put in the wrong belly.



You can't reject the child wanting to call her mom, but you have to respect the birth mother, having her name after it is a compromise. My friends step-son calls her S'MOM its weird but everyone is happy!!



As long and the New step mom knows shes not replacing the birth mother, things should be okay.

Answer 7

Let the child call her whatever she wants. I have a 10 year old step daughter. And she has called me Mom. Her Mom tells her its wong to call me Mom. Which I can see her point, BUT shes gotta think about her daughter. Step families are always hard, but if the child looks at you as their parent let them. Dont deny them of that, they are confused as it is. If thats what they feel comfortable with, then so be it. It should be left up to the child and how the child feels.Im having that problem with my Step Daughter. She wants to cll me Mom, but her Mom wont allow it. So Whatever she wants to call me is fine bt me.

Answer 8

I can't really say which is okay & which is not...

I mean I never called my Moms 2nd husband

Dad,but thats only because I always thought

that my Mom & Dad should've stayed together

forever.Now that I'm older,I believe it might've

changed things between them differently (for

the better)I don't know?Depending on how your

daughter feels about it is what makes the diff.

If she's comfortable with calling her Mum,then

I honestly believe that thats her option!Let her

(your daughter)make the call...

Answer 9

You should have gotten your own life under control before you took on a new family. Don't have stuff to hide, but if you want something to stay private, get a safe deposit box. And, if the children are just like their father, you should love them all the more. After all, didn't you marry him because you loved him? I usually do not believe in divorce, but you are headed there anyway, so if it were me, I'd try to talk it (calmly) over with the dad. But people don't often change much because you want them to. They change because they see they need to. So unless he sees a need to change, and unless you see a need to change, change won't happen. You are both in need of changing. Perhaps family counseling would help.

Answer 10

I think it's wonderful when a child can become so close to his/her step-parent.

It's normal for the real mother to feel upset about her daughter calling someone else 'mum' but she will have to deal with it.

It's about your daughter, and your daughter's happiness. And if she's happy getting love and attention from two mothers then that should be a good thing.

Answer 11

My step-children call me Mom and their real Mom...Mom as well. In the beginning, she did feel threatened, however, I explained to her that in no way was I trying to replace her. Our children didn't feel comfortable calling me by my first name because they felt it was disrespectful. Also, I didn't want them to call me Ma'am or Miss ______. So, after their Dad and I were married, they called me Mom.



Kids know who their "birth" parents are vs. "step" parents. You cannot change who a "birth" parent is. If the child wants to call the step-mother Mummy....I don't see why anyone should make a fuss over it.

Answer 12

i think it would be more appropriate for the child to call her step mother "step mum" or by her first name.



some mothers go BALLISTIC if their child calls the step mother by "mum" or "mummy" etc... it's all about jealousy and worry that the step mother is going to take the mom's place... which is normally not true at all. Children know who their mom is.

Answer 13

it is best to be called mother because that is the (female person) that is closer to them. you just can't explain to a 3 or four year old that one mother is the real one. The kid will grow up confused. Let the child call whom ever she or him desires to be mommy. A step mother needs to be called mother because it sounds more respectful

Answer 14

It's up to you what she is referrred to. If the child is comfortable calling her mom and knows the difference between her bio mom and her step mom, then I don;t see anything wrong. I called my step mom "mom" and my step father "dad" I was never confused as to who my real parents were and I had no adverse effects from it. I think it's just a little hurtful the first few times a mother hears her child call another woman mom. I would never ask my step daughters to call me mom. But the few times they did, I never corrected them. I don't want them to feel like their feeling are wrong. Whatever they decide to call me is okay with me. We both know who their real mother is and I am not trying to replace her in any way but I treat them as my own daughters.

Answer 15

I am the main carer for my 13yr old step daughter, she's lived with us from aged 7 but i've been with her father since she was 2yr old......She calls me by my name and that's how it should be as she has her mother and see's her.. Sometimes if talking to people she will refer to me as her "step mother" cos that makes it easier for her..She's called me "mam"a couple of times but it's been by mistake, (usually just after she's seen her mam"

If your ex is upset by it then you need to encorage your daughter to call your wife by her name,, how would you feel if your little girl was calling another man Daddy???????

Answer 16

I got my step daughter when she was 4 also and the first question she asked is if I was her "new" mom. i gave her the choice of Mom or my first name. she choose Mom and she is 27 now. She said she always felt lucky to have 2 moms

Answer 17

My stepson called me by my first name. Have your daughter come up with something else to call your fiancee, something special she thought of just for her.



Understand where your ex is coming from. You probably wouldn't want your daughter calling anyone but you daddy, papa,or whatever it is she calls you. Many people say that your ex just needs to live with your daughter calling someone else Mummy, but I'm thinking they themselves don't have their kids calling anyone else Mummy(or Mommy as we say here).

Answer 18

I guess it depends if the childs real mother/father is still in the picture. If so, then i think a step parent should be called by their first name.But each to their own.

Answer 19

It's totally fine for the child to call her "mummy". She apparently realizes she has two though, so the real mom should not be upset. If she is, she can ask the child to call the step mom by her name in her presence, but when she is around the step mom, call her mummy. The child is what is important. Not what either mom thinks.

Answer 20

I have been a step mom for 10 years, my step son was 5 when my husband and I got together. My step son has never called me mom, at times I wish that he would have and maybe we would be closer now. I think that if your little girl wants to call her step mom mommy and still knows the difference between the two, you should let her. It's important for your little girl to have a relationship with both of her moms. Maybe someday your ex-wife will understand that it's in the best interest of your little girl and nobody else. Good Luck

Answer 21

My best friend's ex wife remarried and what his daughter calls the other dad is daddy ryan and this is real dad he calls daddy duke because they are both are daddy I think their is nothing wrong in her calling them both mum she knows one is a step mother and one is real mother and that is all that matters its what is comfortable really with the child and you

Answer 22

Mom...I have three kids and They have a step mom...If they want too ..its up to them..You are suppose to want your child to have people in their lives that love them and that they love as well..not encourage the taking away of love.



I support my kids calling their step mom mom...its important for them to bond with her.

Answer 23

When I was younger I used to call my step mom/dad by their frist name.

Answer 24

Well I'm only 14...and if I had a step parent I would call them by their first name and if ever became a step parent I would want the child to call me mom or by my first name....

Answer 25

Nothing wrong with mummy. Just don't make her call you mommy dearest!

Answer 26

When my ex-wife remarried she tried to get our daughter to call her new husband Daddy. I was totally against it. Just my opinion though.

Answer 27

yes,its ok,and it shows that she is comfortable and loves her,,just make sure she does no that she has 2 moms,because,she does,and always let her know who her first mommy is.