How do I ask my husband to help out more with our 2 year old w/o offending him?

Question

I had this question up before and I guess people got the wrong impression and started telling me I shouldn't get a break because I decided to have kids so I figured I would try in another spot. Now, my husband is a hard working guy. I love him dearly for being 20 and supporting me and our son, however, there is a lack of support when it comes to taking care of our son. I am home with him all day long, barely get a second to myself and when my husband comes home it's like he thinks I should still be doing everything..bathtime, playtime, bedtime. By the time I am done dealing with our son I am too tired to do anything, like relax so I go to bed and start all over again the next day. I don't want him to get upset..how do I explain to him I need help around here when he gets home and I understand he works all day but I deserve a break too? Don't I?? Shouldn't I be able to sit on the computer for a little while without him on my lap like he gets to every night? Or take a shower alone???

Answer 1

Hi - I normally don't answer questions on Yahoo, but I came accross your question and it caught my attention.



I can completely relate to this issue ....



So, let me give you a realistic answer, rather than all of these childish answers that you have received from people that obviously haven't " walked in your shoes."



My situation is a little different than yours I'm sure, but it's very similar.



I'm a 27 yr old stay at home mom. My husband works 14 hour days and 6 days per week.



I am home all day with my little boy who has a heart condition. He is 19 months old and is a bit delayed physically ( but not mentally ) due to his heart condition. He had open heart surgery 10 months ago, and is advancing quickly. He does not walk, but he crawls very fast and is getting into everything in our home, just as any toddler would at this age. I also have a 9 yr old son that needs love and attention as well. He has chores, homework, etc ... that I need to be firm about and I need to make sure he is on task. Sometimes, while I'm doing something with my older son .. the lil' one is gettin' into stuff or whining at my leg. This is overwhelming!!



So ... here's my point! I completely undertstand that you are probably tired at the end of your day from everything you've done throughout the course of your day with your son.

I know how exhausting it can be .... meal time, bath time, bed time, playtime, demanding this and that ... you're running here and there ... !!



Believe me! I know how this feels!



My personal opinion is that society kind of expects the women (especially a stay at home mom) to do all of these things with the children and not be tired at the end of the day! Our husband comes home and is allowed to relax and go to bed early. The women are still cleaning, doing laundry ... bathing the kids, and putting them to bed. Our days seem to never end!! After all ... Hey! We don't work! We just stay at home and play with the kids all day and watch TV! Right?? >>> NOT ME!! <<<



With my husband working so many hours every day and being at the office 6 days per week, I don't even get out much, let alone have time to myself as you mentioned. However, I would suggest that you take a relaxing shower or get on the computer if that's what you enjoy - while your son takes a nap during the day (if he takes naps). If not, then you need to start being firm and in a loving but serious way. Put your foot down and take control of the situation. You should be able to put a movie on for your son for atleast 30 minutes during the day so that you can do the things that you want to do by yourself.



A good example to use when talking about this issue with your husband is to mention the following ...



Your husband gets a lunch break during the day, right? So, he gets a minute to collect his thoughts even if he's driving to McDonald's to get lunch. He gets a few minutes every day to relax. You need to bring this to his attention.



If you two normally communicate well, You can tell your husband gently that you need a break once in a while. Explain to him that you would like him to assist you in getting more of a "routine" for the household. This way, he is not thinking that you are expecting him to work all day and then come home and work some more. Or ask him if he'd like to "relax" with his son while you take care of a few things. Then, go get on the computer or do something for a few minutes that you want to do.



Another suggestion is to try to give your son his baths during the day and feed him dinner before your husband gets home if possible. Maybe you can begin a routine this way, and when your hubby gets home it would be more relaxing for the both of you.



When it gets to be around 8pm or so in the evening, I say "OK! It's QUIET time now." My kids know what that means. It means - Dim the lights or turn them off and watch a movie, read, or just relax until bed time.

Answer 2

You DEFINATELY deserve a break. He SHOULD help out more often, parenting is a two person deal (when 2 people are available). I don't even think you should worry about offending him, because it actually IS his responsibility as well. Yes, the actual job market can be tough, but being a stay at home parent can be JUST AS TOUGH sometimes TOUGHER! This is a LIFE in your hands... someone that you are molding to become a good person. That can be stressful. Also, jeez, chasing after a two year old all day? Wow. I think houseparents should be given MAJOR props. My sister is a mother of FOUR, all under 5. Wow. Her husband helps out sometimes, but she still does the majority of the work. I guess if he BELIEVES he doesn't need to help you because it's not your job, it'll be tough for you to actually convince him... is there any way you can have him maybe watch your son one weekend, while you go care for a 'sick aunt' or something like that? Maybe then he'd get a taste of what you experience. I wish you good luck trying to convince him. Hmmm... have you ever asked him for help? If not... well... you may be surprised. Don't let yourself bottle this all up inside though. You'll have to talk about it or risk losing your sanity...

Answer 3

Wow. He was obviously too upset with him at the time and should have just walked away til he cooled off - he could have done major damage to a 2 year old! Maybe he meant to smack his butt, but got his back instead but even so he obviously hit too hard either way. I'd tell him he is NEVER allowed to strike the child again - ESPECIALLY when he is angry - that's how kids wind up in the emergency room! All I can say is thank God your friend was there - I can't imagine what might have happened if she weren't! Your husband NEEDS to apologize to your son for losing his cool and he NEEDS to promise him that he will be the adult from now on and won't strike him out of anger again. If he refuses to do the above, you've got a serious problem on your hands.

Answer 4

Dear Friend--It's a touchy subject, as it looks to me like your hubby is the breadwinner. You might want to find a quiet moment, and preface your discussion with Dad that you would like to talk about a solution to a problem you're having. Say that you know he is earning all the money, but that you both have jobs...After all, if you didn't stay home with the baby you'd have to pay for daycare, right? So explain that your job is 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, while his paid job is only 40-50 hours a week, and does he think that perhaps he might be able to relieve you of your job for a few hours a day? Tell him that of course you appreciate all he does for the family, and that if there's another way that maybe you could help him out, you'd be willing to do that as well (for example, get his drycleaning or cook him his favorite meal/dessert). I bet that he would understand that your job is very draining if he was forced to take care of baby on a Saturday morning or something. You could always make a "doctor's appointment" or something for yourself on Sat. AM so that he could see that your job is sooooo taxing, and a thankless job at that! If you don't attack him, but try to maturely discuss this with him, in a loving (don't forget a few tears streaming down your face!) manner, I think he would be willing to work something out. Then draw up a schedule to show when he's on duty and when you're on duty, things should go really well. I had to do this with my husband, too! I think we all do! In my opinion, men are selfish, and these things need to be brought to their attention. Best of luck and I hope I helped you.

Answer 5

Sounds like you've gotten yourself into a routine.



And that's not a bad thing to do if it works. I agree with you, though, that you should have your breaks, too.



I understand that your husband is a good man and works hard. You're a good woman and work just as hard. Talk with him and let him know how you feel. If you're afraid of getting him mad at you, then try to phrase your conversation in a way that will not be intimidating or aggressive.



Let him know that spending time with your son will be a good thing for him, too. Let him know that if he gives your son a bath or taking him out to get a pizza or ice cream, it's helping you and the child.



Now, sometimes, it takes a good swift kick in the pants for a man to wake up to what's happening. He might be so used to you taking care of things at home that he's sort of gotten spoiled. When he comes home, hand him Lil Junior and keep going on with what you're doing. Let him know that you need an hour or two to yourself and you need him to take care of your son for a while.



Try not to feel guilty (or let him make you feel guilty) about taking some time for yourself. You need it and your son belongs to both of you.

Answer 6

I completly understand where your coming from. I have a 19 month old and a two month old. until recently my husband and i fought endlessly about getting things done. He thought that I should have the house spotless as well as dinner cooked and the kids should be no problems for me to handle alone. I understood where he was coming from as his mom did this, but i just informed him I wasnt his mother. After lots of talking it over we made a schedule out. When he comes home he will start a load of laundry. then he picks up our oldest and plays with him until bedtime. they help me fix dinner( and sometimes fix it together for me if its been that crazy a day) My son loves baths and has a ball when his daddy gives him a bath. My husband and I are 22 and 23, He works all day and comes home tired, but by letting him take the boys most of the day on his days off( i was still at home but refused to help except the times he would be able to on a normal day)he learned that childcare is a full time job. Its easy for them to fall into a routine of thought that we do nothing but play all day and sit around doing nothing when the kids asleep, but taking them out of thier comfort zone helps break that cycle. Now thats not to say that my husband is perfect at this yet, he still grumbles about changing diapers and sometimes gets frustrated and wants to send the boy to bed ( or nap)early because hes not acting right. It just takes time. Mothers tend to fall into the role easier than men hence the term mothering, but once they figure out how much fun it is to splash during a bath or have a tickle fight the instinct will kick in and life will go on great.



Make sure you dont put him down about not helping, help him to understand what you are feeling by saying I feel that the bonding experince between you two is not happening yet, and dont accuse. if he thinks you see his side of the story ( which its obvious you do, he just dosent see yours yet)then he will be more willing to help. Also dont tell him I appreciate what you are doing but. Buts belong nowhere in this conversation. tell him you appreciate his good things and tell him how much you wish he could experience more of his childs growing up. Good Luck, this is a hard one

Answer 7

i understand your position. He works all day, and comes home and does nothing. Now understand his- he works all day and thats his way of taking care of the children and you.



Dont be forceful or tell him he is not pulling his weight as far as taking care of the child. Ask nicely. It might just be that he doenst know you feel this way. Maybe agree on a day during the week that he comes home to take care of the baby so you can take a shower and shave in PEACE!



The nice approach should work. Sugar coat it, and if you dont get the answers you want, plop the baby on his lap and go out. he will be forced to sit up striaght and think about how you are feeling.



I wish you luck.

Answer 8

You can ask for help but don't do it the moment he walks in the door. What I mean is, give your husband a chance to get settled in the house first. I know that you probably are worn out all day from your son, but he's had a tiring day also. You have to ask for help in a way that isn't demanding or sounding like he is totally lazy. Set up some rituals or traditions that are fun that your husband can participate in. Ask for a certain about of time each night to do something for yourself while your husband bathes the child or spends sometime with his son. Or, try putting your son to bed early. Routine works with children. Good luck.

Answer 9

you need to have him on a schedule if you want time to yourself, it's fair maybe to have a break on one of your husbands days off or have him take over one duty like bath time if he comes home before babies bed time, but learning to manage time is the best thing you can do, and no it doesn't always work, another good thing to do is get a group of moms together and everyday one of the moms watches all the kids! works great, especially if you know parents who only have one child like you it makes it allot easier!but you should consider the times he is sitting on your lap being good or in his swing cooing as break time, having a break doesn't always mean being away from your children, I'm sure if you wanted to get things done around the house you could say , I really need to cook dinner can you watch him Or I need to take a shower so I don't smell like baby puke and would feel better cuddling with you could you watch our son , I have a feeling he would without feel offended.

Answer 10

Don't worry about offending him. As long as you are silent and do everything, he'll let you. But give him a half hour when he gets home to relax, in fact try to make him welcome and appreciated when he first gets home from work, let him watch the news or read the sports page before you ask anything of him. Then he'll be more receptive to giving you the break you obviously need. He won't immediately protest-"Hey - I just worked 10hrs". After all, he's a father too.

Answer 11

Be specific when you ask your husband to help you. Don't ask for help in general. Men and women generally have a huge communication gap and a different definition of what "help" means in cases like this.



If you want him to watch your child for a couple of hours so you can regain your sanity, simply say, "Honey, I need for you to watch the kids tonight for a couple of hours." That may be all it takes. If he needs further explanation, then just explain that you're tired, and feeling like you're going to lose your mind if you don't get time away from the kids. DO NOT say anything about his not doing enough or anything like that. Just state the facts about yourself without insinuating that any of it is his fault (even if it is). Men really like to help their wives so long as they know exactly what they can do to help and are appreciated for it.



Once you get your husband to help in the specific way(s) you have asked, praise him for his help. Tell him how much better you feel now that he has done whatever he did. This will go a long way in getting him to help the next time.



Don't expect your husband to know when you need help the next time, either. Again, men and women think much differently. Simply ask him to do what you need. And explain why you need him to do it, only if he asks.



I recommend reading the book entitled "Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti" for more info on why we think and communicate so differently.

Answer 12

Ok look when it come to men it is hard to talk to them ok they always seem to take it out of context or try to put words in your mouth so this is what you do sit down with andask look honey I need your help I know you work and when you come home you are tired but I really need you help I know you do enough but can you please help me can you watch the baby so I can have at least an hour to myself. See what he says ten do this on another day be like baby I know you get tired of coming home and to work and back and forth. So I think maybe that one day you should have to your self and I should have one day to my self so when we can go with our friends or whatever it is you want to do and relax. Just try it and see how it goes. You never know how to talk to guys Good Luck.

Answer 13

You poor thing. I would just be honest with him and start asking for help with the good old "If you wouldn't mind, could you please...". If he takes offense to being asked I would be more worried about your future with they guy than having a rest. I mean he is the kids father. You should not really have to ask him to do anything - its his job too. Parenting does not become the mothers responsibility just because Daddy has to go to work. Tell the man to get off his behind and pull his weight. Go get him.

Answer 14

Moms need a break! Being the head of the household doesn't always mean just making money, hes a father as well that means spending time with him, playing, giving baths, putting him to bed. And if he does those things giving him something in return ;-) (if you know what i mean) thats always good.

Answer 15

Sometimes it's really hard for an answer like this without knowing everything. But I think sometimes if you say someting right then it gets a better response. Try saying smothing like " I know your tired from working haday, but I'd really like to (example) make you a great dinner, and (baby) has really missed you, would you mind playing with him for a half our while I get ready for dinner?

Answer 16

Ask him to take care of the baby for an entire day. Go somewhere. When you get back, praise him for his hard work, and discuss with him what issues he encountered. Then tell him that every day for you is like that, and you'd like him to help out with something specific, like bedtime.

Answer 17

You have 2 choices. 1) ask for help around the house and explain to him that you are doing a "Job" just as much as he is. or (2) walk in one evening when he gets home plop the child in his lap and state I'm going out for a break...

Neither one is perfect... Im a father myself of 2 boys and I have Say I helped with my children, Just ask my wife LOL... He helped "make the baby" he sould be required to help with the baby...Good luck!

Answer 18

You know what?I tell my husband to get off his butt and help...we have a 15 month old, he works and I stay home as well all day with our daughter...and guess what? When he gets home hes on duty..and I get to take a shower and he makes dinner for us I trained him well lol

Answer 19

you have to help your husband see that his son needs a father, how will his son feel when he grows up and has no memories of playing with his daddy when he was a kid?



Also help him to understand how much hard work taking care of a child is, when he understands that he will be more willing to help out unless he is a selfish man.



Good luck.



Oh and don't concern yourself with offending him, if he is offended that shows he knows deep down he is in the wrong and should be helping out more.

Answer 20

Truth is that once you have a kid everything goes for a toss. Don't have a time for oneself. All things one used to do is gone forever (atleast until kid is young enough to take care of himself/herself). By that time you are old and can't do things that were possible during young age.



If you knew that you are not going to get any support from him about the kid, why have it? Now that you have it, deal with it.



Talk to him. Tell him kid need a father too.

Answer 21

If that person interprets a request for help as "offensive", then that person is not well balanced. Todays world calls for both parents to be equally involved in the running of the household.

Answer 22

tell him. He's young bribe him with sex. Explain the situation....and tell him that you need to work out it. Use sex as an insentive. He's 20 he'll love that. The less stressed you are the more you'll enjoy sex and/or just being with him. Let him know.



If he doesnt listen you need to tell him again and again and make it clear to him. Then you need to consider dumping him.....



I'm sure he loves you...so just tell him...sit him down..and explain....

Answer 23

Tell him u need help with the kid he helped make and that that kid is his also and he cant be any tireder than you.





dont worry about affendin him if he is that easilly affended than he must be very soft hearted.

Answer 24

He's your husband. If you can talk to him, it seems like there's a bigger problems then just helping with the kids.

Answer 25

when you say that, he gets the impression that he is not helping at all

Answer 26

tell him to get his lazy bun out or help

Answer 27

need to feel welcome is hard to work all day to come home and see people mad

Answer 28

IT SHOULD NOT OFFEND HIM, HE'S PART OF THE PICTURE ,TOO.