so who is the decision maker in your house, when it comes to kids n other important issues?

Question

just wondering because i'm currently pregnant and my husband keeps saying that after the baby is born, he'll be making all the decisions about the baby. he says i can give my opinion but final decision will be his. its been like that with almost everything in our marriage for the past 6 yrs but no experience with kids yet. i'm wondering if most people make the decisions together as a couple. is it possible to make joint decisions, specially when our views are very different about everything. my husband says its always one person making the decision and the whole 'working as a team' thing never works out.
In your household, do you make the decisions, or does your husband make the decisions, or both of you make the decisions together?? specially regarding kid's lives. thanks

Answer 1

With us, my husband is gone so much that I make a lot of the decisions. But I usually run them by him first. Sometimes he doesn't agree with me--like right now our 7-year-old has been having on and off weird health issues, and I decided last week that he needed to see a doctor again (3rd time in 3 weeks) so I scheduled an appointment for tomorrow. My husband doesn't think he does, but I can't figure out what is wrong and my child is still complaining about the same problems, so I think we need another opinion.



It is possible to make joint decisions. You do that by talking it out. One person gives their opinion, then the other shares theirs on the subject and you either come to a compromise if your views are very different or if they are similar, you decide based on that. When it comes to the kids, though, my husband and I agree on most everything with how we're raising them, so it's not hard to make decisions and most of the time, even though I make the decision, it's something he probably would have done as well.

Answer 2

Its a bit late to be having this conversation now... you all (and other couples) should have these kinds of conversations before marriage so that there is not any conflict later on or misunderstanding or hard feelings.



The fact that you are questioning the notion that you arent able to have a firm pull in he decision making process for your household suggests that you dont like the idea. So, you should ask, whats right for 'MY' house? Whats right for your house might not be right for someone elses, etc.



My husband and I are joint decision makers. Most of the decisions are left to me because my husband is not savvy when it comes to researching things we want to buy to get the best deal or, similar. When we disagree we compromise or, one or the other of us backs down.



In the bible, if you are Christian, the head of the house is suppose to be the man. When it comes to decisions where we disagree and my husband is animate in his decision, which doesnt happen often, I give in. I do so because he compromises more than not and when he doesnt its because he feels very serious about something and as his wife, I respect that ultimately he is the head of the house. Being head doesnt mean being walked on though. God also said that a man should love his wife as much as he loves himself and as much as God loves her. Its like team building and totem poles in the workforce, the top of the totem pole might symbolize the king of the tribe but without the others holding up the king there would be no totem. Basically, you all need to make key decisions about the children TOGETHER.



You might want to sit down w/ your husband and discuss his idea of raising your future child and see if you all are even on the same page. Discipline, bedtime, etc. are all factors you should consider. Goals for the child and programming/structure should also be discussed. If you all arent seeing eye to eye, now is the time to negotiate, not once the baby is born and, if you find that he is set in his way and controlling regarding what he expects of you as a mom and your role thereof, you should seek counceling. Again, a little late, as I would advise conversations like these to happen before marriage as they could be deal breakers with some couples, but now that you are here, at least talk about this stuff before the baby arrives so the environment for the child isnt disrupted and so you can better prepare yourself and your reaction.

Answer 3

Um, wow. No.



No offense, but I would divorce my husband yesterday if he EVER tried to pull that on me. I don't play that game. We are a TEAM. I did not marry a dictator or another father to lord over me. I am an adult, and I can make decisions too. You are also an adult, and your decisions are JUST AS VALID as his. Please don't let your husband take so much control from you.



I make decisions. He makes decisions. We both make decisions together. We are complete opposites; we don't always agree, so we compromise. But we find solutions that work for BOTH of us. He NEVER forces a decision on me or the children just because he can. The final decision is the one that works - not the one HE demands. That isn't right. It's controlling, and honestly, borderline abusive, IMO.

Answer 4

Now is the time for you to get a backbone, dear. A marriage is a partnership, especially when children are involved. The two of you need to learn to discuss matters together and, if necessary, make compromises. Your husband sounds far too controlling, and that needs to end now. If he keeps insisting on acting like the king, boot him right out of the castle and change the locks. You are not merely breeding stock; you are your husband's wife and the mother of your unborn child. You deserve to be heard and treated with respect.

In my household, my husband and I make decisions together. He is not the "boss," nor am I. There are obviously times when we don't see eye to eye, but that's when having the ability to have a discussion like mature adults really comes in handy.

Answer 5

We make decisions together. Sometimes I make the final decision, sometimes he does. We have different sets of knowledge so to speak and whoever is better in said area gets the final word. If it's a major financial decision, he gets it. If it's anything with our son or the house, it's all mine. We do discuss it all. If your views are extremely different you talk and talk and talk until you find a compromise you can both work with.

Answer 6

congratulations on the baby...now, RUN. you cannot raise a baby together when youre not allowed to make any decisions regarding his upbringing. i do end up making most of the decisions for our kids, but on the big stuff i make sure to run it past my husband first and get his opinion,BUT im a sahm, and he works away form home a lot. .. there is no "im making the decisions here" crap.if he tried to tell me that, the only thing id have to say to him would be to tell him MY final decision, then i go file divorce papers. no one has the right to control every decision in a family.

Answer 7

Most people don't get married if they have totally different views on EVERYTHING.

It should never be one person making the decision. Husband and wife should make the decisions together.

I don't see your marriage lasting too long unless you are a submissive person and do whatever your hubby tells you to.

Answer 8

I don't have the energy to get into how messed up that is on his part. As parents you are to be respectful and show your child how a relationship is supposed to work, and in a relationship both parties work together to make a unified decision that works for them. Not what the man/woman says goes. I hope that you won't let him get away with that, for your childs sake. A lot of women don't tollerate that and it could be difficult for them to find a life partner with a "what I say goes" attitude.

Good luck sweetie.

Answer 9

You are BOTH the parents of the child. Neither of you should be making the "Final Desision" alone. Your BOTH supposted to talk it over and decide. He may be the man in the house, but hes definatley not the rule maker or anything. Marrige should be 50-50 espicially when raising the children. And he has got to let you be part of it. Soo i really advise you to talk about this with him, and rember it really should be BOTH of you!! CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BABY!! You're going to be a great mother :)

Answer 10

I spend the most time with the kids so it is probably me who makes most of the decisions. I have to decide the pediatrician, doctors, when to schedule appts, if I can have them participate in an activity based upon my availability to drive them, if they work on homework etc.



Yea, I'd say you'd have to work on it together but you should have similiar ideas to start with.

Answer 11

Both my husband and I make decisions but he has the final say so. There have been times when we haven't agreed and he makes the final decision. He takes my opinion into serious account. I trust him with my life, kids, home. That's why I married him (that and I loved him of course). In marriage you have to sacrifice. Sometimes that sacrifice is your time, money, or your way. Congratulations on the baby! Good luck!

Answer 12

We both make the decision but when we can't come to an agreement we write it down and talk about once we cool down

Answer 13

me and my bf make the decisions together with our baby.. ur husband is not GOD and is NOT PERFECT so he shouldnt b able 2 make all the decisions.. u have a say to. after all ur the babys mother and ur the 1 giving birth!! dont let any1 control u.. u only have 1 life to live, and u werent born to b told wat to do. ur husband needs to get a wake up call!!!! i wouldnt put up with it

Answer 14

im sorry but ur husband sounds like a ***, its both ur babu so all the decissions are both of urs to make together ,not one person forcing it on the other that would really piss me off ..sorry.

Answer 15

I don't have a dad living with me and my family hates exept my brother he takes care of me like a parent otherwise I make my decisions alone like clothes, food ( like what's in the fridge or cupboard ) and my rules do not have a family like this I wish mine was happy.

Answer 16

both together always, anything else and sooner or later its over

Answer 17

good luck.