Just a question about working vs. staying home?

Question

I am fully aware that in most cases, staying home with your children when they are young is best. I have two children, one is 21 months and the other is turning 4 on Wednesday. In all honesty, I am not working totally for the money. I would love to stay home with my girls, or better yet, work part-time. But I have a good government job, good benefits, lots of vacation, etc. If I quit, then I'm screwed. When my girls are older and I want to return to work, it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to find a job.

I have seen SOOOO many women who stayed home full-time with their kids and then fell apart when they left home. No job, no income, no hobbies, nothing.

So what's the answer? I love my job and would really love to work 2-3 days a week. But in my current job that's not an option. But I cannot give up what I worked so hard to get.

SAHMS - do you ever worry about what you are going to do in 5-10 years?

Answer 1

This a personal choice and your children will not be completely screwed up if you decide to work. As long as they have love and consistency, they will be fine. I'm a SAHM mom and I love it. Aeryn will be 3 in May and Athan is 6 months. I'm going to get my degree online so I can get a good job when all my kids are in school. That's my choice and what works best for me.

Answer 2

Not really. Until they move out entirely to go to college, then I don't have to deal with empty nest syndrome, and I want another so that's at least 20 years down the road, not 5-10. In the meantime, just because I'm staying home with them doesn't mean I don't do hobbies, sewing, etc. I had a life before I had kids, and I'll have a life as they get older, and I'll have a life after they leave home. A job is not required to have a life btw. But I have my degree, I have training, and once they're a bit older I'll focus more on that than I can right now (working with aggressive cats/dogs is not something that's safe to bring around a 3 year old and a 9 month old.) And I don't see my husband stopping working anytime soon, so there's my income.



Basically, I'd like to see the women who fell apart because I know a lot of women who, once their kids were older and didn't need them around home as much, became extremely active, volunteering, working, picking up hobbies again, teaching others hobbies and more. I've never known a woman to fall apart. Even the women I knew who didn't know what to do with the time found something to fill it, they didn't fall apart. No offense, but you make it sound like a stay at home mom doesn't do anything but be a mom for those years or the years beforehand, and that without the kids they are nothing, which is far from the truth.



Add: But you did make it sound like without the kids they do nothing. That the kids are the focus of their existence, and maybe it's true for the first couple of years, but there's other things that a stay at home mom can do besides that. It's like my SIL telling my mom that her raising 8 kids meant she just 'stayed at home and popped them out' and didn't have any life. My mom volunteered, was a seamstress for years, did crafts, and other things that if you had taken the kids out of her life then she still would have had a life. To my SIL, job = life, and your question has the same idea. That job=kids, so once the kids are removed then what? No life.



Call me oversensitive if you want, but saying once the kids are gone so many had nothing does strike me as basically saying that for a SAHM there is nothing but the kids for those years.

Answer 3

Daycare for a walking age toddler - probably not SO bad....depends on the child. If I dropped my 3 yr old at daycare anytime after the one year mark she would have been fine. My other daughter is over 2 and would still not be able to go to daycare IMO - she demands a lot of attention - she needs to feel safe and secure - and I don't think a daycare or even an in home provider could give her the attention she needs.



Am I worried about 5 - 10 years down the road? Not really, my husband can provide the kind of lifestyle we want - we both came from money and have no desire to work ourselves to death to have expensive things. If he for some reason would die I would have his life insurance to cover me for a couple of years and then I would work something out - I have a degree in Elementary Ed and am a certified teacher



The fact is most SAHM's make sacrafices. If I was working right now we had out house finished - instead we live in a 3 bd 1 ba finished basement - and we have for over 2 yrs now - next summer we will be in a financial situation where we can finish it. I'd have a nice vehicle too - but instead I have a 10 yr old mini van. I bargain shop for the kids at yard sales and end of season sales, and I rarely shop for myself - but none of that bothers me. I like my stay at home - take care of the kids - cook - clean stress free lifestyle.

Answer 4

I really think it's better for the kids to have a full time mom, at least until they start school. But, I have teenagers and they need supervision almost as much as toddlers, if you know what I mean.



No one can replace you, it doesn't matter how great your child service is.

This is a fact, not opinion.



Kids are only this small once. Some of my best years were with my babies. The toddler years are just as great since they are still discovering how the world works.



I don't worry about my future, but then again I have a husband who provides well for me.



You can always replace a job, but never the time spent away from your kids.



You seem like a good mom who's really putting a lot of thought into the welfare of your kids. I'm sure you will make the best decision for your family. Good luck.

Answer 5

Everyone who answers will probably have advice that worked for their situation, and it will all be good advice for the most part. In the end, you'll have to make a decision that works best for you. My advice would be to go part time for awhile. The rewards of staying home with your children while they are young would far outweigh the rewards of a career for me. I have a sister who would say the exact opposite -- continue working and celebrate moments with your children when your career allows you the time.



When we decided to have children, I had a job that I loved. However, not only did we live in a high cost area, my husband's career would be transferring him by the time our daughter was four months old. The decision to stay home was an easy one. I figured it would last until our daughter and potential siblings were in school. We are now at fifth and seventh grade and I'm still home. My husband enjoys having a housewife and not having to split chores.



I do worry about what will happen when my children move on. As I waited until I was in my 30s to have children, I will be in my 50s when they are out on their own. Who wants to hire a 50 year old woman who is twenty years out of the work force. I keep skills up by taking classes and I volunteer on a regular basis, but I'll still be 50. I can only hope that my husband, my hobbies and my volunteering will keep me happy.

Answer 6

My daughter is 16 months and I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with #2. I stay at home full time, and I did since my daughter was home. My personal choice is to stay home until all my kids (however many I will have) are in school. I would like to raise my kids myself without sending them to a babysitter. I have NOTHING against working moms, I admire them. This is just a personal preference. I have a university and college diploma and certificate for teaching + few years experience, so I am not worried for the future. If I was left without a job, then I would do volunteer work, take up hobbies or sports, workout even more then I used to, and maybe even be a president or something of one of my kids' clubs or dance/sports teams.

Answer 7

Keep your good job. The girls are not infants, so if that was the case i would say, stay home with them, but they would much rather be playing with other children and doing things, then staying at home all day..and they will see you in the evenings, right? and you get holidays, and vacation time, and you will have the extra money to be able to take them places, you wouldn't be able to if you quit your job. Changing times with the economy and gas and food prices, not to mention the expense of raising children, because they don't get any cheaper as they grow, and neither does school, and any extra activities they may want to join..and the list goes on! So, with all this said, you won't have the added stress of trying to afford all of the that..not to mention, who would get bored the most, you or the children, and sometimes it's almost a vacation to go to work, and for someone to talk to over the age of 18! I have done both, raised children, being a stay at home mother, and working, so raising 4 boys i am giving you a heads up! I did stay at home with them, while they were infants, as much as I could, and wouldn't have traded that experience, however, when they were your youngest daughter's age, I would go back to the workforce..and you can't hardly give up the benefits from your job now, because most places don't offer that, or are cutting back, or cutting out those benefits as we speak..just some advice, best of luck to you, and yours, no matter what decision you make..peace

Answer 8

I don't sit around the house and only think about my children, I mean, of course a majority of my day is dedicated to them, but I do other things. I lead a children's Bible study at my church, I have other outside hobbies & friends. When the time comes that I'm no longer a SAHM, I'll have plenty to do! Life changes, there's a season for everything & when my season of being a SAHM is over I will readjust and start another chapter.



I would give up a job to be a SAHM, to my husband and I this was very important. Do I think you're going to hurt your children? As long as the time you get with them is quality time and they know they're loved....then of course not. We do what is best for our children, and for my family, this means we make sacrifices so I can be at home.

Answer 9

tell your mother in law that u enjoy your job and u choose this life. ya, some sahm's go crazy and get lonely, but not all do just like how some daycare babies don't thrive. some families find a way to keep their kids at home with a parent while both parents maintain jobs (sometimes not the job a person would prefer). its all about choices and the simple fact that we r all different. Don't get down :)



To answer your second q: no I don't worry about 5-10 yrs, I embrace it! My kids won't need me all day everyday bc they will be in school and i will be back at work full time which sounds like a break to me.

Answer 10

how are your kids doing? how's the quality of their daycare or wherever they spend your time while you're working? in your particular field, how hard would it really be to jump back in assuming you come back with good references from your current bosses? when you imagine yourself saying "fine, i'll keep working" or "fine, i'll quit," which one makes you feel more loss? those are the questions i'd ask to decide what to do.



i'm a sahm approaching the end of a lot of stay at home years, since i had four kids. of course i worry about what i'm going to do. but i have skills, i have experience, i have references, i'm rebuilding a resume with volunteer work, and i'm not on some urgent timeline financially -- so i can afford to wait until i find the right job opening. i'm very glad i stayed home. it was absolutely the right decision for me. (and i do, btw, have hobbies and volunteer work and absolutely do plan to work for pay again at some point).



that's not to say one way or the other which is the best decision for you. i actually disagree with your premise that in most cases staying home with young children is best. in some it is, in some it isn't. it's a very personal decision, and in most cases it's not choosing between two evils but between two perfectly reasonable options that will both allow the kids to thrive.

Answer 11

My children will be home-educated unless they decide otherwise. When all of my children leave the house, I'll go back to doing what I did pre-kids...I'll travel around...but instead of holding down a job and traveling when I can, I'll make traveling the absolute main focus and take up more time-consuming volunteer positions. Or maybe I'll stay put and put more focus into my art...or into knitting...or into whatever. I'm not worried about having nothing to do when my children are grown. I don't wish to go back to my job, and if money ever becomes an issue, I'll do something more gratifying to bring in an income, even if it's a lesser income than I had before. Again, not worried.

Answer 12

Don't be afraid to keep working. Being with children full-time would drive you nuts; you need time interacting only with adults, for your own sanity.



I recommend that you hire a foreign-born nanny.



Require the new nanny to always speak her native language to the children, even when your daughter/son insists on replying using English. You could go further and ask her to refuse to respond when the children fail to use her language.



This might seem like it would confuse your kids, but young children are well known to learn new languages much more readily than older kids or adults. Like music, languages are things that young children learn much better than older kids or adults. Start your kids now!



Hopefully the nanny also can use children's books to teach your children to read that language.



You can ask your nanny to repeat her statements to you in English when it is important for you to understand what she just said to your kids.



This guarantees that your kid will be bilingual. This has many benefits (see website links below).



After you look at the website link, and hire that nanny, hopefully you will feel really good about the many benefits you are giving your kids by doing this while continuing to work. You'll be glad your children are spending time with the new nanny!



If I were you, I would seek a nanny speaking a language that's very widely spoken worldwide, but is seldom taught in your country. That way, the language skill will be rarer and more valuable. Arabic? Mandarin Chinese? If you have trouble finding such a nanny, hopefully you can at least hire a Spanish or French speaking one; I assume they're more plentiful.



If you cannot get a good referral from somebody you trust, then search using Google for "au pair" or "nanny". You should see several websites devoted to connecting nannies looking for work with parents. And putting an ad in craigslist.org or monster.com could work well also.



Of course you would want to spend the first day with the nanny while she takes care of your children. And you should install a hidden camera in your home (if the nanny will remain there); every once in a while, you can fast forward through a day's worth of recording to look for misbehavior.



A related recommendation: It's valuable to find a daycare/preschool that offers foreign language immersion, if any of them offer that in your area.



Also, some areas have schools that immerse the students in a foreign language, starting in kindergarten or the first grade. Check the website of your local district, or call them, and see what language immersion schools they offer. Although you would not be enrolling your children for several years, you can plan ahead to do that.



Play dates with other children could really help. Ideally, the new nanny could help you find children who speak her language, and set up play dates with them. That gives your child extra reason to try to learn the language.



After a while, your children would easily speak the school's language, the nanny's language, your language (if you choose to speak a foreign language to the children), and the language of the geographic region where your kids grow up.

Answer 13

I stay at home now 9 years now. Very, very difficult to find a job now my daughter is 10. But I'm a graphic artist so I work for home.

I work for a government office before but you know what. If you plan your retirement and set money aside. You probably are better of quitting. What your kids will needs you and you will be right there for them.

The trick is find something they can be involve with you and you make a profit with it. My doughter draw and I cover it in posters, postcards, books, calendars and we have a blast. What you can do from your house? Pets Grooming, Photos, Gardening and sell it in the market, crafts, bake cookies. You will teach them fist hand how to make it, the best education they can have.

Answer 14

Really? No. I was happy to quit. I did enjoy my job and worked hard to get it, and I will keep my license up to date. But I Love being home and plan on staying home to homeschool. And that future where I have nothing to do cause my kids are grown will never happen. Even if I dont ever return to my old job. I have a million things I can do. And want to do. Volunteer for something I enjoy, maybe an organic farm. Take some college classes, maybe in art. Make soap from scratch. Learn how to crochet. Learn to swing dance. Garden....I could go on forever. Geez take some interest in SOMETHING!

Answer 15

Did my question prompt this?



Yes that worries me. I worry that I'll never be able to find a job as I have very little education, hence me asking a question about work. :)

Answer 16

I don't know what sort of government job you hold, but is it possible for a transfer to a department that would allow you part time hours? That would be nicely convenient.

Answer 17

"I have seen SOOOO many women who stayed home full-time with their kids and then fell apart when they left home. No job, no income, no hobbies, nothing."



The extent of screwed-upness required for that to happen is... Yeah, that's not an at-home mothering problem but a problem unique to those particular "SOOOO many" women.



Some parents misinterpret "at home" to mean not leaving the house; that's not good for anybody, at-home parent or the child(ren) being parented. It is not too hard to keep oneself in the world by way of volunteer work and the like.

Answer 18

I work full time. For me I had to come back to work. I was used to getting up getting dressed and going to make that $$$$. I went back to work with in 4 weeks. First part time and now back to full time. For me working is best for the whole family I would go nuts staying home

Answer 19

Pray.Sit down and write out all the pro's and con's and search yourself.Is it more important for you to be with your kids,or to help secure their future?No other person can answer this one for you.take as long as you need to make the decision.Are there responsible people that are going to watch and teach your children according to your values,etc?Is it going to cost you alot for daycare,etc.?Don't be afraid if you decide to stay home.Love your children alot, but do not make them the center of your life, because that will mess them up later and it will mess you up.What are your priorities?you have to have balance either way you go.If you are married time for you and your spouse,time to interact with your children,time to relax,etc...Here are my own priorities:1God and time with Him.2My spouse,finding fun things to do together,date night.3My children,being there when they need you,and living out life in front of them,time,care, and fun.4Work,has to be done whether in the home or outside the home.5Others,i cannot help or be there for others if I or my own household is neglected.I hope this helps.Getting it all on paper can really help sort through the decision.

Answer 20

No, not really. I have a lot of hobbies and a lot of other things I'd like to do with free time when it isn't spent with the kiddo. When she starts school my days are getting filled with classes that I want to take (nude artistry, pottery, cooking, etc, blah blah blah).

Answer 21

In 5-10 years, Im going to still be a mother, regardless. I have hobbies and personal time, but my son will always come first in my life.