Why do you think that having children outside of marriage has become so acceptable?

Question

Over the last 50 years it seems to have become so much more acceptable for people to have children out of wedlock, and there seems to be alot of problems that have come with it. On any given day, you can look at questions on here that ask about problems with custody, no financial support, paternity, etc. Alot of them are about children born out of wedlock.

Do you think that alot of these problems seem to be seen more in situations where the child/children were born out of wedlock?

Do you think that the state/government has contributed to this, by making it easy for people who have children out of wedlock to get on public assistance, such as Medicaid, welfare, food stamps, etc.?

Do you or do you not think that having children out of wedlock, has an direct affect on morals, values, or religeous upbringing?

Answer 1

Though most of my opinions on this issue have already been said, I'd still like to say that this is about the best question I've seen on Answers in along time. I like your honesty in admitting you've made mistakes too, but don't want to repeat them again.



For all the naysayers of committed households, I'll put it to you plain and simple. If you moved to a new area and had to make the choice to put your young child in one of these which would you choose:

School #1 (majority kids of 2 parent/married households) or School #2 (majority kids of single parent/broken households)



I had to make that decision when my child was in School #1, and recently due to a move thought we'd be open and try out School #2. Trust me, after a few months of seeing the difference in the schools, we're working our hardest to get her out of there.

Answer 2

My husband and I are not married, not in the legal sense of the word, and not in the religious sense of the word.



Marriage has become less popular because it is a religious ritual, and more people are not religious. And legally speaking there very few differences between marriage and common-law.



Also as women are more and more being paid as equals and expecting to work we don't expect a man to pay our way should a marriage dissolve. I expect that my husband (and any man) would pay a fair amount to support his children. I do not believe he should be on the hook to support me. And any potential income I have lost in the future by staying home now is also my choice, and I will live with those consequences.



Frankly it is just as easy to get divorced as it is not split up a non-marriage. The divorce rate is leading to questions of custody more than anything else. Accidental children out of wedlock tend not to have custodial issues. I know my own mother and father certainly never had any big fights over custody. They split when I was 1 and my dad got to take me every week for a day. When I was older it was changed to every other weekend. We did live in government housing where the rent was geared to income, and I think my mom got a break on daycare but she always worked, and saved. There are no food stamps in Canada and welfare isn't easy to get even for a single mom.



I grew up in a very poor section of town, were most of the kids did not have both parents. They were reasonably well adjusted, reasonably good kids. Then my mom got married and we moved to a much wealthier area. Those kids were going through divorces and it was awful. The kids were pawns in this big battle, it destroyed them mentally. It was nothing like what I was used to. I was used to custody agreements being a non-issue and the worst thing that happened was that some kids had dad's who weren't very reliable and missed visits sometime. Not this horrific psychological hurt.



We need to stop pretending that marriage is the answer, with so many marriages ending in divorce the difference between marriage and cohabitation are very small.



Having one parent, or seperated parents has no bearing on morals and values. I wouldn't have been raised religiously in any case. Neither of my parents are religious and they are both from different religions. My children never would have been raised religiously either. You may not agree with my values in that I think that there is nothing wrong with having kids out of wedlock, and that is what I will teach my children. But I do have morals and values and my children will learn them.



Also the main reason we are not married, is money. We could have spend $5,000-$10,000 on a wedding or a house. What do you think is better for our children? A piece of paper, or equity and a yard? Our house costs us less than the apartment we were living in, and that was a one bedroom. I think a bedroom, a yard, and a nice neighbourhood trump a piece of paper any day. BTW we didn't have our first child until we had lived together for 7 years and knew the relationship was working. I think that is a far cry from courtship, engagement, and then trying for kids as soon as you get married and move in together. At least I know what I am bringing a kid into.

Answer 3

I don't believe that it is actually more "accepted", I believe that it has become so prevalent that we have no choice but to adapt to it. I may not be happy about it, I may not approve of it, but it doesn't look like it's going to change any time soon.



It does make it incredibly difficult for those of us who prefer the old fashioned ways to raise our kids because, where a child with married parents used to be the norm and children of single and/or divorced parents was the exception, vice versa is the case today. My children are the "different" ones because their parents are still married and we believe in staying married and working through our problems. Not just for the childrens sake but for our sake.



If more people started out their lives with stronger morals and values, (saying no to pre-marital sex for instance, abstaining until they are married, not looking at divorce as an answer to a problem) there would be fewer cases of children born out of wedlock, divorce rates would go down, even juvenile crime rates would decrease.



Today's morals and values have become about "be independant, get a good job, make lots of money" instead of being about "respect yourself, respect others, treat others the way you want to be treated, and true self confidence". I find trying to raise my children in this new world extremely difficult and disheartening.

Answer 4

I don't know why its more acceptable now a days.. I had 2 out of wedlock. One was not choosing on my part (conceived without consent) the second I was stupid! I was on public assistance for like 3 months.. I was working 2 jobs and made to much money so check was like 15 dollars... NOT worth it. Yes i do believe that having children out of wedlock has a direct affect on kids alot of the times the men up and leave telling kids they are not worth staying for so kids suffer form low self worth. That's what happened to me. I have been married now and we are in process of adoption. My son still suffers from low self esteem and I have to run damage control daily because of my own stupid selfish behaviors. He is a good kid. but doesn't feel valued enough. Life is full of hard lessons sometime our children have to suffer becuase of parents not thinking things through. Some mistakes cant be undone!

Answer 5

I think it is because people are becoming enlightened and women are liberated. The social institute of marriage, which developed independent of spiritual feelings, was made by patriarchal societies as a way to claim women and ensure the paternity of children. Hence the custom of "Honey Moons" in which the new husband took his bride away to a remote location, not near other men, and had sex with her every night for 30 days to ensure she was pregnant and it was his child.



I don't know that the problems arising from parents not being together are any worse than the problems that existed before. However, the difference now is that the problems are talked about openly and not swept under the rug.



A stay at home mother in servitude, unhappy parents in separate beds, fathers beating their children and people afraid to speak against the institution or socialital norms was also unhealthy.



I do not think that this has an impact on morals, values or religious upbringings. I feel that the downfall of those things is a direct result of parents not knowing how, being able or willing to parent in and efficient manor or at all.



And as for religious upbringings, from the sounds of your question, I assume you mean a Christian one. I feel that is threatened by the actions of many Churches, not the least the Catholic Church. As we stop accepting our lots in life and speak out, we are finding that Christianity has many corruptions in practice.



My ability to raise my children in a Buddhist home, while instilling morals and values is not difficult.

Answer 6

Because the laws changed in the 1970's to allow more freedom to the "free love generation". It's a lot easier to get divorced now days too and you can commit adultery in most states with no negative legal consequences. It's out of control in my opinion. A marriage actually used to mean something but apparently not anymore. I guess a lot of other people feel the same so why get married in the first place. It costs money to put on a wedding and there's just some extra red tape.

Answer 7

It's not as simple as "it's religion" or the "government". I believe our society has become so externalized. Hollywood, the National Enquirer, CNN and all the media has such a tremendous influence on the family. We look outward for acceptance and rely on the "now" instead of thinking about the future. People look to others to define themselves instead of the individual defining himself or herself.



Part of it is that the country as a whole is not religious in the traditional sense anymore. The religion is "Commercialism". People think life should be easy and now to modern conveniences is easier to cook, etc than 25 years. However, you don't appreciate what you don't work for.



Yes, all financial welfare programs are based on income but the responsibility aspect of thinking about the future is gone.



Just my humble opinion as a 11 years of mother and social worker and 3 as a SAHM of two.

Answer 8

i don't think the government has made it "acceptable" I don't think children born out-of wedlock are any more prone to having issues or problems. There are PLENTY of dual-parent families who's children have a whole load of issues due to bad parenting. A single parent does not equal a bad parent.



Besides, with the rate of divorce so high, there are so many single families who didn't start out that way that go through the exact same custody, financial support problems that single parents may or may not even go through.



It is not easier for people w/children out of wedlock to get government assistance. That depends solely on income.



And no, I don't believe it has an effect or morals, values, or religious upbringing. Values and morals can be taught and instilled upon us regardless of whether when we were born our parents were married or not. That's just silly to postulate.

Answer 9

I think that this world is totally screwed up and everyone thinks differently. I have 4 children my first child was with a guy that I thought was the one I would have married but he cheated on me while I was pregnant and gave me a disease. How screwed up is that, was I suppose to stay with someone like that. The good thing is what he gave me was curable however, he put my baby at risks.

I did break up with him immediately and married a decent man. We have 3 children together and were still married today.

Answer 10

As a minister I must say I agree, society has gotten so far off base when it comes to teaching our young people moral values that we are condoning teen sex. Last year I met a 13 year old boy at Wal-Mart holding a baby and said he had a cute little brother as which replied that it was his son, I was shocked but said nothing, two weeks ago I saw this same young man again at Walmart with yet another baby and again I said is that a niece and he said not it's my daughter. I asked his mother at this time, do you allow this and her answered shocked me to the point I wanted to take her back to our church for a come to Jesus meeting. She said " if it makes him happy that is what matters" We need God back in public schools we need the bible back in schools or this world will go to hell for sure.

Answer 11

You have brought up a lot of questions and issues, so I am just going to address part of your question.



As far as raising children in this world and trying to teach them values about marriage, children, etc....

My mother was a single mom. She was engaged to be married to a man she had dated for 4 years. She got pregnant when she was 18, and he left her and married another before I was even born. My mom lived with her parents for 4 years so she could pay off my medical bills. In that time, my mom dated a lot. Before I was 10, she had married and divorced a man (he was abusive), and had a child with him. When I was 11, she married a man she had known since she was born, and they are still happily married.

My point is this: I may have grown up with what many people would consider a "bad example" of marriage, but honestly, its made me value marriage even more than the average person. I've never been with any man but my husband. We did conceive a child before our wedding, but we got married before she was born, as we had been planning anyway. I love him dearly, he is a wonderful father. Seeing my mom with an abusive man taught me a big lesson about what kind of man to stay away from, so that I could find a good one like mine. I learned that it isnt bad to make mistakes. Its only wrong to not learn from them. I consider marriage to be very sacred, and would be willing to work out any problem with my husband as long as it didnt endanger my life or my children. When we say forever, we mean it, and we beleive in making God a part of our marriage and lives. I do sometimes worry about the world we have to raise our children in. But I also think that people who use their upbringing as an excuse to be a loser are just weak-minded. I fully beleive in the power of not only learning from your own mistakes, but the mistakes of others as well, and I will work hard to instill those values in my children.

Answer 12

I have a new son "out of wedlock" though I have been common-law married to my man 4+ years. Just because we don't have that lil slip of paper doesn't mean our family is disfunctional or immoral. And honestly, just because a couple is married doesn't mean everything in their lives is peachy keen. At least if we decide to split sometime in the future, we don't have to deal with a messy divorce! And no, I don't think it makes it more difficult to teach kids about getting married.



Oh yeah btw, i would like to point out that in the "great" state of texas, married women can't get welfare nearly as easily as a single mom, and single moms are required to sue the father for support in order to qualify regardless of whether or not they want to.

Answer 13

i think the problem is not out of wed lock its that there are so many teen preg that is were most of our unwed mothers come from to young to get married to young for responsibility to irresponsible to be careful i had a daughter out of wedlock and im now married to her father but also have 11yr old son from previous marriage you dont teach your children morals and values through marital status you do by example of love you give them and other human beigns i am very strong in my beliefs and my children are to because i teach them and that they know not every decision that has been made in my life was smart but that was part of growing up my kids are good to each other and others it has nothing to do with a ring and a peice of paper

Answer 14

I don't think it's necessarily become more accepted, but that it's just become more common. I have two children out of marriage - one from when I was naive and careless within a long-term committed relationship and the 2nd from a date-rape situation - (i was married in between them) but I raise them as though I am a regular, married mother in that we have structure, rules, reliable consequences, religion, morals, values - that kind of thing. For a time after my husband left I did use state assistance (which is what it is intended for - a bridge to self-sufficiency) for a time and then went off it when it was no longer needed.



I do think there are a tremendous amount of problems with children being born out of wedlock - I think of how much easier it would be for them if I were married to their father when they were conceived, born and raised. Even if we later divorced, at least it would be more difficult to do, it'd really have to be something he and/or I wanted for it to happen, custody/visitation/support would be entailed with the decree and not the dog-and-pony show it is to establish and enforce a support order outside of marriage. At least my children would have some kind of chance at a relationship with their father, would have awareness and contact and maybe even a relationship with their half-siblings that result from subsequent marriages. I do think that my situation is an exception rather than the rule regarding the problem of children born outside of marriage. I am not a young girl, I did not ever turn to partying or having my parents raise them, I have not freeloaded or been lazy in my duties. My children are very well-behaved, well-adjusted individuals. I love them dearly and they know it. I try to be the best parent I can be - if I am unsure of how to do something or what I should do about some situation, I educate myself and go from there. too many people (young girls especially) are careless with themselves and therefore their offspring, figuring that if they get pregnant it's no big deal because they'll just get state assistance and/or mommy and daddy will help them. How sad!



I do think the government helps to perpetuate this by the free-flowing assistance with little to no criteria for resolving the situation. I know in my state there are limitations on assistance and you are required to do something approved to better your situation in order to get off of it. That doesn't stop the ones that have a baby every once in a while to stay on the assistance (like food & medicaid). I also do think that having children outside of marriage has a direct affect on morals, values and religious upbringing. Obviously those who have children outside of marriage USUALLY are not those that have an upstanding religious and moral base - that's how it was for me when I had my first daughter (when i was 22). However, being pregnant with her was my eye-opener to what I was doing wrong and what I could be doing better and how I did not want this same fate for my little girl.



Anyway - this is such a complex situation and issue. I think there are obvious correlations between the vast increase in illegitimate births and the increasing moral decline of our society. It's not simply about fatherless children - it's all that is involved with that. I cannot be a father to my children - they will miss a great deal in their upbringing by not having one in their life. They do get a lot of positive male influence in their lives with the men from my church, my father, brother and friends - but that doesn't replace what they should have from their father. Children really do benefit exponentially in having both parents in the home (IF having both together is not a toxic environment) when this is at all possible. Otherwise, if that's not possible, do all you can as a single parent to raise happy, healthy, responsible people. My older daughter is 8 and we have had several conversations about marriage, sex outside of marriage, her own story in how she came to be, why me and her dad aren't married, why he doesn't see her - and she has expressed how she does not want this for her children. I think she sees (especially after I had my 2nd daughter when older one was 6 1/2) how difficult it is to have and care for a baby, especially alone!



Being married first does not guarantee a father in the home forever - many things happen like death or divorce - but at least you did all you could to ensure the best environment for raising a family and they have that to look up to and model themselves. My children do not have a horrible model for family - they see many many great examples in addition I do not party and take my responsibility as their mother and sole provider lightly. I think they see this and it will help them to define what they want for themselves in their adulthood and help them hold onto that.

Answer 15

Too many people are pushing that "It's just a piece of paper" and "weddings are expensive" CRAP, and parents aren't teaching their kids that sex has unwanted consequences.

Marriage is NOT "just a piece of paper". And anyone who thinks it's expensive to get married is just an idiot. A marriage license is less than 30 bucks and you don't have to have a wedding, just a judge.

Answer 16

I think it certainly is more common... But being more acceptable I don't think so. We tend to look down on people like that. The only TV show that I know of that shows single mothers with muliple "baby's daddys" is Jerry Springer and the like. Those shows do not embrace these people, they exploit them.

Answer 17

Its been accepted because there isnt anything any body can do to stop it. I was married when I had both my kids personaly I believe in tradition and values.

Answer 18

because morals are becoming non-exsistant.