What do you think about my mother’s excuse for not wanting grandchildren?

Question

My mother has 4 children ages: 27, 24 (me), 13 and 9.

My mother is 46 years old and has no grandchildren.

I have been married for two years (together for 5) and my husband and I are trying for our first baby.

I mentioned to my mother recently that we wanted to have a baby soon.

She said I should wait until I am 30 until I have my first child.

She said if I waited then my little brothers would be 19 and 15 and she could focus more on being a grandma.

How selfish is her excuse?!

Why should I wait to have children when she decided to have more kids in her mid-late 30’s?

She can still be a grandma and be a mother to teen boys!

My step-dad (raised me) said he would be happy to be a grandpa, and he is only 43!

What do you think about my mother’s excuse for not wanting grandchildren now?

P.S.
We have college educations, great careers, a home that is nearly paid off, and plenty of money. We are happily married and no parents have helped us with it all.

Answer 1

Ahh... she'll change her mind once the baby is born...what is she going to do? make you put it back?? Babies have a way of soothing ruffled feathers, healing wounds, and bringing people together. Your "little" brothers aren't so little and they will get involved as well! Your mother will find her house full of happy people.... and won't remember telling you to wait.

Answer 2

Your mother is probably just going through some kind of Grandma anxiety. The thought of a little person running around calling them Grandma or Grandpa can scare a parent. Not only that, she knows how difficult pregnancy and delivery can be and might have an issue watching her own go through that. Also she may not want to feel like she's neglecting your child by stating that she rather wait till the boys are older. There could be a million things going through her mind. I would sympathize with her to an extent, but if you're at that point in your life where you're ready (and it sounds like you are) then i would just do it. I'm sure all her thoughts and expressions are all meant for the best. She'll get over whatever fear she has.

Answer 3

Your mom may have other fears that she is unwilling or unable to share with you. If you have a child, she will get over it. A friend of mine, who was not trying to have a baby, had her last daughter 2 months after her first daughter had her first child. She is a wonderful mother and grandmother. It can be hectic, but your mom can be a mom and a grandma at the same time. You are young and have a great life, it is a great time to add to your family! If this is what you and your husband want don't let anyone get in your way. You are not asking your moms permission to have a child, you are informing her of your decision to have a child. At your age I already had two kids and one on the way, your mom is lucky you and your older sibling haven't had any kids before this. When the time comes for her to be a grandparent I'm sure she will come around, especially when grandpa will be loving on the new addition to the family. Good luck!!

Answer 4

it is hard to admit one is getting older and GRANDchildren are something that marks a transition in our lives...just as turning 21 makes you an official adult becoming a grandparent is a milestone that means you can't pretend you are barely 30 anymore....Gbabys are wonderful and your mom will probably change her tune a year from now (i'm assuming you get what you are aiming for by then) 13 and 9 or 14 and 10 are PERFECT ages to become uncles or aunts and they are nore likely to want to babysit than they would be in their later teens as that is when the dating and socialization with friends and away from family is most important... so your timing is perfect for everyone else. by the time your youngest sibs are busy with friends and going off to college your children will be entering kindergarden and preschool

their seperation ansiety from you if they have it can be compared to your brother/sis going to univ...



It sounds like you have a good sized family to visit and share good times with.... reassure your mom that you will tell people she was very young when she had you... and she is not the only fortysomething grandma....you can be a grammum at under 40 if you had yours at 15-17 and they did the same...so tell her it only means she is 30-35, maybe she will allow that thought to console her....or let her read this answer. I am just 50 and a grandparent twice over. ages 3 1/2+ and 6months.that means I was 47 at the birth and 46 when told of preg.

try this::::

If you had your children as two pairs...27+24 and 13+9 then it is time for baby to come back into your life.::::::

hey you never know if any of these suggestions will work unless you try them. use the ones that sound good to you.

and may you have a trouble free pregnancy and smooth delivery every time.

Answer 5

I think your mom needs to realize that the world does not revolve around her. I am 26, and am pregnant with our third child.

My mom is 46 and can't wait. And she still has children at home. I have three younger sisters, 18, 16, and 13. the 18 year old just moved out, but the other two live at home. My oldest will be 4 next month, So with my first child my sisters were pretty much the same age as your brothers are, and everything was fine. Does your mother not think that she has enough love for everyone?

If you are ready for a child then have one. You shouldn't wait to have kids when its convenient for some one else.

When you become pregnant your mother will probably change her mind, babies usually have that effect on people!

Good Luck!!

Answer 6

I was 19 when I had our first baby. My mother was 39. She was happy to be a grandma. My husband was 18 and his mother was only 34. She was also excited to be a grandma. My little brother was only 9 years old also. Another one of my younger brothers was 13 also. Her children's age did not affect her grand parenting. Just do what is best for you. I am pregnant again and some people in my family are not very happy with it. I do not care either way. I know that being pregnant is what we wanted and we are happy. Do not let what anyone says change your mind about having children. She is probably just nervous because she doesn't want to be considered "old " yet.

Answer 7

If you were 18, living at home, and barely scraping by on minimum wage your mothers excuse would be lame.



The way she dictated and planned her life should not reflect on your own personal dicisions.



It makes no sense to me, and never has, to wait until later in life to have children. You'll never have enough money, or a big enough house, or the best jobs to raising kids. It just doesnt work that way. NO matter how much money you make, or dont make, you'll spend the vast majority of it on your kids.



Ive had all these bag-eyed harried older moms tell me all the time "you should live your life a little and wait to have kids until you're older". Why? So i can start into raising kids when iam tired and jaded? No.



Offer your children the best you can, theres plent of time for living when theyre older, and as they grow.



Just because your mom wants you to wait shouldnt have any bearing on your decision.



We're expecting the first grandchild on both sides, my youngest brother is only just 13. My parents are quite capible of balancing grandparenting with parenting, and estactic to do so.



wait until your 30's. psssshhh. what a load of crap. lol.

Answer 8

I'm sure your mom will change her mind when the baby arrives. My mom didn't want me to have any kids neither. I'm 23 and now have 2 kids and she loves them very much. At first she said no not to have any until I was married 5 years, but when I told her I was pregnant and really starting to show she was very excited. Then when I told her about the second one she hope I was kidding but she ok with everything now. I think mothers would like their daughters to wait a while a make sure the marriage would last before having kids because once they are here married or divorce you would have to take care of them. So Yes I would definitely have a child. Your more will adapt.

Answer 9

I think it is very selfish and I think you should have a baby when YOU are ready. You will never regret having a baby, but if you wait for her, you will probably regret it and have a lot of resentment toward your mom. I'm sure that if you have a baby, that your mom will love it just like she would in a few years. It doesn't matter if she has younger kids or not. I am also 24 and have 2 kids and my mom has an 11 year old. My 11 yr old sister helps my mom out a lot with the kids when they go stay with her! She loves it!

Answer 10

It is your life and you can make up your own mind when, where and how. If your mom has an opinion thank her and let her know that you love her.. Maybe she is feeling old if she has grandbabies now. But surely it is the choice of you and your husband not hers. I know both my parents had me young and so when I had children... they were still pretty young even though I waited to have children two years after marriage. I think the idea of having grandchildren made them feel old....they didn't want to be called Grandma or Grandpa... made them think about their age more or something .. so instead it is Nana and Papa...

Answer 11

Maybe, she thinks you should enjoy some of life first. However, that is not her decision. It's yours and your husband's.



On a personal note, I had my first and second child in my early twenties. Now, I am 34 and have a 2 year old. Raising a baby in my 30s seems much more difficult than when I was younger.



You have to consider how old you will be at critical moments of their lives. Will you be able to do all the things you want to do with them?

Answer 12

I think a baby is the greatest gift in the world and there is never a "pefrect" time to have a baby. If you wait for the perfect time you may never have a baby. There will always be some reason to wait... bills, jobs, etc. If you and your husband are ready- then go for it. I wish you all the best of luck and love with your new addition.



Your mother will either learn how to be a mother and grandmother at the same time or she will miss out on one of the most precious things that life has to offer.

Answer 13

That's bogus. She sounds very selfish. She's entitled to her opinion though - and you're entitled to COMPLETELY disregard it.



My mother has a 10 year old and a 13 year old at home, and was delighted to hear she was going to become a grandmother this year.



If your mother has that attitude, just don't plan to ask for her help. Sounds like you can manage perfectly fine without it!



Chances are that her attitude will change once whe meets your child. Very few people can resist cuddling a newborn baby. But if your mother really is cold-hearted enough to reject her newborn grandchild, you're better off leaving her out of your new family. Good luck!

Answer 14

That's just it, an excuse...she may feel she's to young to be called grandma, especially with a 9 year old still at home.



But the choice is not hers to make. Since you are married and living in your own home, not financially obligated to her in any way, she'll just have to adapt, because this is a decision for you and your husband and no one else.



If I'm right (and I'll wager I am) suggest that the toddler can call her something other than "Grandma"...how about: Mimi? Honey? Nanny?

Answer 15

Well, she has her opinion and she is entitled to it but I don't think it is a fair one. It is your life and they will be your children. If she thinks that you will be relying on her for help, reassure her that you won't be.

If she is worried about being a young grandmother, remind her that it is normal. Many people marry young and young grandmothers are a product of that - remind her that she'll still be young enough to se her great or maybe great-great grandchildren. My grandmother is so proud that since she married at 20 and her oldest son, granddaughter, and great-granddaughter all married young she will still be around to see her first great-great grandchild (she is now 86).

And as far as your brothers go - my sister in law was an aunt at 9 years old and she was like a really cool big sister to her nephews.

In short - do what works for you. It is your life, your family, and you will be the ones raising your kids.

Answer 16

What it comes down to, is you are ready to have a baby. Then that's all there is to it. Unfortunately, if your mom is not ready to be a grandmother or doesn't think she'll have time to then it is her loss. It sounds like your babies will have plenty of grandparenting from your step dad.



My in-laws were similar. They didn't want grandchildren yet because they were too young to be called grandma and grandpa. They live 2 hours away and rarely see their grandchildren(their choice). But that's okay, in the end, because they have a set of grandparents who were more than ready to step up to the plate.

Answer 17

It's your mothers fault for having a 9 year old & a 15 year old with a 27 year old and a 24 year old. DO NOT wait until you are 30 to have a baby. Your fertility goes down, and it is better to be a young mother (MPO). You mother can not choose how she wants to be a grandma.

You can only choose how you want to be a mom.

Answer 18

Don't put your life on hold for your mother. Seems like she started her family at a young age. You are 24 years old. Don't let your mother make decisions for you. If you want a baby, then have one. This is between you and your husband. Don't live your life pleasing others. Make yourself happy first. It was selfish of her to say that.

Answer 19

i have a similar situation, i have 2 younger brothers 16 and 10, i'm 23. I have a 1yr old son and have been married for 2 years. My mother is 46 and had similar issues, but when i became pregnant and had my son all her reservations went into the garbage and she fell in love with her grandson. She's saying all this now but continue on with your plans and things will change once you have a baby. good luck!!

Answer 20

24 is a good age to be trying to have a baby since your husband and yourself are happy and obviously ready. I am sure it would be better for you if she was more supportive but don't let that stand in your way of doing what you know is right for you and your husband. Try and include her though, once you are pregnant see if she wants to shop with you or just simple things like ask her opinion on colours for the nursery. The both of you will regret it later if you let it divide you. Maybe you can ask your step-dad to talk to her too. But don't worry I am sure she will come round to the idea once it sinks in.

Answer 21

i was 6 yrs old when my niece was born and my mom was scared that she couldn't be a good grandma while she was still raising me. she said that she still had to put all her energy and love into me because of how young i was at the time. that she didn't think she could put everything she had into being a grandma. she was mad that my sister had a baby so early but it all worked out in the end. when my niece came my mom was still upset but when she held her granddaughter for the first time i think all her fears and worries left cause she was and still is a good grandmother to all her grandkids.



in time i think your mom will get over it. and if this is the best time for you to start a family then go for it. your mother will come around. i swear.

Answer 22

First of all it is nice to get her opinion but that is all it is!!



If u and your husband are ready then go for it bc when the baby comes believe me she will not even be thinking about how young the other two are and since she still has two other ones at home she wont be hassling you about bringing her grandbaby over all the time bc she is lonly!!



So go ahead she will be so much different after the baby is here!!

Answer 23

She might act this way now, but once you get pregnant and she can't make excuses anymore, she'll get used to the idea of a grand child. Moms have a way of trying to influence their kids (I hope I'm not doomed to be that way.) My mom begged for grandkids starting the day I got married, even though she already had 4. Now that I'm pregnant with my second she's trying to make my decisions concerning the birth and the name. Forget what your mom says, you sound very ready for a baby and that's what really matters.

Answer 24

Why need ye be so hostile. What? Are we not allowed to have fears, anxieties, worries, apprehnsions? I don't think your mother is being selfish at all. It is the thing that you will one day face and that is the reality of your mortality. Being a grandparent says that you are getting older. She will most assuredly change her mind once you have your first child.



Since you all have college educations, great careers, a home that 's nearly paid off, and plenty of money and no parents helped you, maybe that is why you are so arrogant.



You don't have common sense. You have a college education but not the sense to hear the pain in your mother's voice. Reassure her. If you have all that you have said, your parents have helped you. Have they not been a support to guide you?



It's not about you. Your mother is looking in the mirror and is just trying to keep it together.

Answer 25

The decision of having children is solely up to you and your husband. There may be many reasons why your mom said this, but it need not affect your life. The reasons for having children are not so your parents can be grandparents ... it is b/c you and your husband love one another and want to bring a child into the world to share that love. I am sure your mom will be just fine when she sees that little bundle of joy!

Answer 26

It's not your mothers choice. The choice that she will have to make is to either be a grandma or a mother...she can do both...it's not like your brothers need babysitters 24/7. I wouldn't think twice about it and live you life with your husband. Good luck...children are such a gift.

Answer 27

Her excuse is lame, but I think you already know that. If you are ready to have children then go ahead. You seem to have already taken charge of your life in all other aspects (and it sounds like you have done a fabulous job, by the way-congrats) so WHY would you worry about this so much.



Maybe it will make her feel "older" to be called grandma. Maybe she just isn't ready for that.

Answer 28

I say go have your children. LOL You might want to tell her your not going to wait a while then she'll complain that she is too old. Young Grandma is better!! And I think your brothers will get a kick out of being Uncles!!! Good Luck

Answer 29

It's not her decision to make. Have kids when you and your hubby decide. Tomorrow is not promised. She'll love her grandkids once they arrive, and might even appreciate that she is able to really interact and play with them. Also your younger brothers can help her out. You and hubby seem to have your life planned out pretty well, so do what is best for you two, not mom. Remember you are an adult now.

Answer 30

Well personally this is what i would tell her if I was in your position...I'm not wanting a child with you, its between me and my husband in when we think/feel that we are ready to start a family..and if I want to have a child when i'm 24 I can and dont have to wait for her persmission to do so. (I had my daughter at 21 and I wouldnt want to wait untill i'm 30 to have a baby) And tell her that if she doesnt like you and your husbands decision then she doesnt have to be apart of that babies life untill she realizes that she is wrong for saying that

Answer 31

Don't worry so much about it. The ultimate decision is yours. You keep trying if that's what you want she'll get over it. Sounds like the reason for her excuse is because she wants her kids to be out the house so she can just focus on your kids. But, that is not her decision to make.

Answer 32

It's hard for me to believe that you have a house that's fully paid off or almost! I've seen alot of lies on here and this sounds like one! So do you think you are better than your mother for having a house that's almost paid? Think about your mother for a change? Why are you being selfish? I know you probably have the mother bug but still! I know it's up to you so ultimately it's your choice but I would consider your mom's feelings.

Answer 33

Considering she was 19 when she had your oldest sibling, I would wonder if her response is a bit of her own regret for not waiting longer. I think you should do what you want to, but remember that she will be a part of your life forever, so at least let her know that you have considered her opinion and that you value it, even though it's not what you're going to do.

Answer 34

your mom justing saying that because she has kid that are young them self but it your life you are on your own with your hubby & leavin a happy life so do your thing girl... make your self that baby because it dont matter if your mother dont want what more important is that your husband want the baby and it the best thing for you to give him what he want before he change his mind about thing about it do you want to grow old and still have kid to take care of or do you want to have them now so that you can have the rest of your life to you & your husband before to hit mid 50'???Next time dont say nothing you're planning to do to your mother cause she not support you in it just share it with your husband and he will support you

Answer 35

I just think your Mother thinks she is too young to be a grandma. Not true at all though. She should be happy for you and your hubby, and for herself. Grandchildren are the best things in the world.

Answer 36

Oh well, tell her your Major life decisions do not revolve around what she thinks is most convenient for her! How could some one say something like that to their own daughter! it's not like your 19! Most women cannot wait til their daughters get married and bring them beautiful grand babies! My hubby's father use to call us all the time saying,,"did you make me a grand baby yet"??? LOL

Answer 37

I say - do what you want to do. You will be the one raising the child. It is not your mother's decision whether or not you have kids. I can't believe she would say that anyway. My mom was sooo excited when I told her we were pregnant! Most future grandparents would feel that way. Just do what you want to do. Congrats and good luck on TTC; it's half the fun!!!

Answer 38

have your baby.i Love being a grandma and i'm 47.i'd be surprised if after see seen her first grandbaby she doesn't go nuts.i also wathced my first grandson be born.it was THE MOST AWESOME experience of my life.it's time to focus on what you and your husband want not what your mom wants

Answer 39

This is your choice. You don't have kids when your parents want you to but when you want to just like she decided to have kids in her mid thirties. It's not a convenience for her it's a joy for you. The timing is for your life not hers. Go for it! She'll come around once that sweet grandbaby is around.

Answer 40

Well, based on how much her opinion seems to be influencing your life, I would guess that you are expecting her to pick up your slack on not only this, on lots of things, including childcare, babysitting. She is just getting out of it and is tired of the whole endeavor.



If you can arrange the whole thing, and not ask her even once for help of any kind for the first year, you might be surprised at her reaction.

Answer 41

Just tell her that whenever she is ready to focus on being a grandmother thats fine she can but you arent going to put yoour life on hold to suit her needs.

Answer 42

I agree. I think that is selfish. Tell her that if she dosen't want to be a grandma, then fine, she dosen't have to be a part of the babie's life at all. See how she likes that!

Answer 43

You and your husband are to make that decision. The only obligation you have to your mom is to inform her of your due date. We need more good parents in this country.Good for you and good for us.Thanks!!!!

Answer 44

Either you caught her at a really bad moment or she is really self centered....



Either way ignore her... The decision to have a child is your husband and yours... No one else.....

Answer 45

Don't wait. You'll only resent it. She will love her grandbaby so much, she'll probably think she was silly to have told you to wait!

Answer 46

go for it...you are a grown woman and she'll change her mind when the new bundle of joy arrives. I hope you get your angel soon.

Answer 47

Who is having the baby you or your Mom

Answer 48

Your mother sounds very selfish, and its not her decision.

Answer 49

She probably just regrets having her kids so young and doesn't want you to make the same mistake.

Answer 50

Well forget your mom! Have kids when you want to you its your life not your mothers. She will be okay!

Answer 51

depends on if you're gonna let your mother control your life or not

Answer 52

don't listen to her! she has no say in it whatsoever! that decision is totally up to you and your husband! tell her "fine, if you don't want grandchildren, we won't ever bring them to visit"

Answer 53

Have your kids when you want to...

Answer 54

i think its not up to your mother - it is up to you!