I don't think time out works... How can they be effective?

Question

Both my husband and I came from parents who believed in spanking. My dad used to use a belt, and his parents used whatever was close.

If it were up to him alone, every time our daughter misbehaved it would be smack on the bottom or across the mouth (for lying, back talking etc).

I'm not against spanking, I just don't really like it. I fell like that kind of punishment should be saved for when a child is really acting out. My mom never laid a finger on me, except once, and it was for some serious back talk when I was a teen, and she smacked me across the face. I never did it again.

I've been trying to use time outs with our daughter. But she seems to have this "well it was worth it" attitude. Meaning, she could go stand in time out for sneaking cookies, and the next day she'll sneak the cookies again.

And we don't give in, we don't let her get out of her time out, my husband actually makes her do it in what he calls military style - her nose touches the wall, and her knees, with her hands behind her back. If she sits down, fidgets, throws a fit about it, it start overs.

I'm reading the nanny 911 boot camp, and they say time outs should be 1 min for each year of age, and the child should be allowed to fidget, cry about being in time out, but they shouldn't be allowed to leave that spot. Well if the super strict time out proves to not be enough of a consequence for her, then how would 8 min. of her playing in the corner work?

I just don't get it, and if time outs aren't working, then what are we supposed to do.

Answer 1

I don't do time outs with my daughter. We do consequences. Like, if she eats her cookie from lunch, but doesn't eat her fruits and veggies, no cookie or any other treat in her lunch for the rest of the week.



Or is she's playing in the bathroom in the morning instead of getting ready, no DS for the rest of the week, or weekend if it's coming up.



I give the consequence, I make sure she understands the consequence, and why it's being given, and I tell her that I still love her, and we hug, and it's good.



She's a remarkably well behaved kid, and I get very good reports from teachers and day care providers.

Answer 2

OK, she's not playing in the corner. No toys, nothing. She can scream and cry but she stays there. No toys, no tv, nothing. While she is there, it is as if she does not exist.



Before she is allowed out, she has to tell you why she was there in the first place AND why it was wrong. At the end of the 8 minutes, you calmly get down to her eye level and ask her why she was put there. If she cannot/will not come up with the answer, back she goes for another couple of minutes. If she hurt someone or broke something, she also has to apologize for that. She cannot come out until both of you are calm and rational.



Eight is a bit old to start this technique, but it can work. Compare it to a mini-grounding or even a jail term for an adult -- no privileges, no rights, nothing but sit there and think about what you did.

Answer 3

Here's why time outs don't 'work'. http://www.sheknows.com/articles/805746



First of all, you need to make sure she knows why it's wrong to do whatever it is she's doing. If it's the first time she commits a certain offense; you should sit down and tell her why it was wrong and why she shouldn't do it again. Then, tell her exactly what is going to happen if she does it again: The consequence should make SENSE, for example if she sneaks cookies then she won't get any snack that day or the next day. Or if she throws a ball in the house then it will be confiscated.



Then when she does it again, be consistent with the consequence you have set. Again, it should be related to the offense, so it doesn't really make sense to send her to time out because she stole cookies. Explain to her why it is wrong as many times as you have to to get through.



Good luck

Answer 4

An effective method I have found is making a tally mark on a white board or piece of paper whatever works. And at a certain time they owe me 10 minutes per tally mark. I usually do this right after school or during their favorite show. It really bothers them when it cuts into their free time. It is kind of like time out but seems to be more effective for me to pick the time instead of it being right then and there.

Also taking a favorite toy/object for one day and night and they have to behave in that time frame to get it back otherwise a day is added and I take another one.

I do not believe in letting a child whine and cry during a time out and certainly not at 8 years old. My kids time starts when they are quiet, if it takes them 15 minutes to be quiet so be it. But I really do find the tally marks the most effective method. My kids are 8 and 10.

Answer 5

Why don't you have a talk with her about what she did wrong and why you don't want her to sneak cookies, etc. Discipline is a time for learning, not punishing. I don't believe that time outs are very effective either, what is a child sitting in a corner going to do? I also don't believe in your husband's way of thinking so props to you for not taking that route, he sounds a bit controlling. Smacking on the face for lying? That is abusive.

Answer 6

I don't believe in hitting kids, time outs have always worked for me when I use them. The kid is not "playing in a corner" they have to stay there for their time and then tell me why they were in time out and what they need to do differently next time... I think the explanation part and then them acknowledging what they did wrong is the key. If you just stick a kid against a wall and don't tell them why then often they are standing there wondering what they did and getting mad because they are confused. My routine is: 1. tell them why they are in time out 2. have them stay for their time 3. have them tell me why they were there and what they need to do differently or what apologies need to be made. If the reason the kid was in trouble involves something like a toy that didn't get picked up or was thrown or whatever, then I also take away that object. I believe in having discipline make sense to what happened, if there was hitting involved then they need to apologize, if toys were left out then those toys disappear for awhile, if property was damaged then they need to fix it or replace it.

Answer 7

Take away her privileges. There must be something that she doesn't want to lose. That might be certain toys, TV, sending her to bed early, or maybe not letting her have any sweets. You need to find out what things she values, and take them away from her as her punishment.



I've never used time out either, and I've never smacked my son. I just sussed out what things will affect him, and that's what I used as his punishment.



As well as this, give them lots of praise and attention when they're being good. They'll get used to this and will miss it and it will make an impact when they don't receive any attention for their bad behaviour.

Answer 8

are you saying shes 8?

if she is then make her do chores. shes old enough. make her take out the trash, clean up the yard, dry dishes, anything that she will hate. the more she acts up the more chores she does. one thing i hated doing was writing sentences after doing something bad. my mom would make me write a whole page with the same sentence...sometimes more depending on how bad i was lol