How do you feel about this article mothers?

Question

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article7070165.ece

I read this article and I had two opinions of it. My son is almost 3 and I feel like he has hijacked my life!! I love him beyond words but I get overwhelmed. My husband left me after I found out I was pregnant. He wanted his "freedom". (rollin eyes).

So, I have a child I solely care for no support from my ex or any family. I read the baby books, magazines and used midwives to have a natural birth. It's not like it was years ago when you had your mother, aunts and grandmothers to get advice about child-rearing. We have websites, books and blogs about how to raise our children healthier, happier, smarter and better. That usually means no vaccines, organic food, cooked meals, no BPA's, high fructose corn syrup, aluminum, plastics, organic fabrics, dye free detergent and no fast foods.

So, I did the attachment parenting, brought the smart baby toys, got the memberships for the baby gym and went organic and breastfeed. It's an over-whelming mess, not to mention expensive and if you don't follow Dr. Sears, Oprah or whoever you are looked at as if you don't care. So, you sacrifice even more to give your kids a better start in life. I do feel like I am being held hostage.

Now, I have a toddler who still nurses and all I hear is "it's better to let him stop when he is ready". 'What if he isn't ready until he is 7?" "Oh, he will be ready before then" "You said the same thing when he was 2". I know that these are my expectations and experienced but I suspect I am not the only mother who has gotten lost in the endless amounts of "build a better baby bullshit" that is in abundance now.

But, I am being held hostage by MY own expectations of myself as a mother, not my child. I really want to read her book after reading this article. She is right in some aspects. It seems like after you have children your sense of humor, sexuality, lusting, intelligence and your individuality come out with the placenta. It's horrible. People treat you like you have become a "mommy clone" and can only talk about organic diapers and gluten-free cheez its. The sad truth it, it IS the only thing you can talk about. Motherhood is the ultimate sacrifice and now we are expected to give more. Which limits our social interactions to other mommies from the same socioeconomic backgrounds as our own.

So, how do you parents fill about this article? I am going to get this book when it is printed in English. Do you think women are victims of their children? Do you think the new movement towards breastfeeding/attachment parenting is more beneficial for men than the children? What other thoughts do you have on this stimulating article?

Answer 1

I get the main idea she's trying to push, but I don't like the overall tone she takes or many of the points made.



Even as a mother, should you still be an individual human with interests, desires, etc? YES.



Should these desires, interests, etc. put your children on the backburner. NO.



Part of the job description of a mother, whether some like it or not, is to be selfless. It's not about YOU anymore. It's about your family. This woman seems to have a very selfish attitude, and I can't say I care for it much.



I can tell that woman is way too extreme in her thinking for my liking. But I also don't like the extremist ideas on the other end of the spectrum (like the groups you gave in example.)

Answer 2

I saw the cover of Time and an interview with the Mother on the Today show, The premise of this whole philosophy is bonding. They believe in always having your baby in a mommy sling close to you., Never letting an infant just cry it out and in the family bed. The woman interviewed has an older child who stated he began "self weaning: at age four and is hoping the three year old will do likewise. I was once in a public building in a crowded waiting room. A woman with a young child was acting fussy. She announced loudly enough for all 40 people to hear " What Honey? You want a tit*y?" I was shocked that she not only proclaimed this for all to hear but actually breast fed the baby in front of everyone. This was a professional environment! I would be more than a bit disconcerted if while having my taxes done, my agent was breastfeeding. I am for breast feeding. It's natural and healthy but I think discretion and privacy for both mom and child should be observed. There should be an age ( each child is different) when separation begins. The child should learn mom & I are not one. We are separate.

Answer 3

My feelings on the article are mixed as well. I do not like the parents and groups who go the extreme route and make you feel guilty for choosing to feed formula, use disposable diapers, or go to work. However, this lady seems to be going in the opposite direction, and it is also one that I do not care for. She is acting as if your lifestyle should not change in any way after having a child (smoking and drinking while pregnant?!) If you want a lifestyle in which your needs come first, then having children probably isn't a good idea. And I am talking mothers and fathers because I think the father should have just as much responsibility. And this woman also looks down on the people who do choose to breast feed, go organic, make big sacrifices for the children, etc. There is no reason to disrespect people for making that choice and doing what they think is best for their children.



*By the way, pay no attention to the previous poster. You have every right to your feelings...society puts a lot of pressure on women to be a perfect mother. Go a little easier on yourself and accept that you are human and try not to let the judgements of others make you a "hostage" to your child. If you are ready to stop breastfeeding, stop. It is good that you are trying so hard to be a good mother, but understand that parenting advice that is extremely rigid and judgemental is probably not good advice. Try not to listen so much to the people who seek to judge and attack your choices.

Answer 4

It was too long to read but I think I got the point of it after the first few paragraphs. Yea there is way to much pressure to be super mum these days. Honestly though I have never tried to be that perfect. I just do what I feel is best and sometimes when Im stuck I look up methods to get through the situation and then if I agree with it I will try it but usually I end up doing things slightly different (my way!) I do need to get out more and have more of my own life though. Its hard not to be completly consumed by motherhood. I love it but I was just saying to my partner last night that i need something else that defines me as I feel that all I am right now is a mother. being a mother has become 99 percent of who I am and I dont know if that is healthy. When your lying there awake at night thinking about the latest tantrum your toddler had and analysing if you handled it correctly then I think its a good sign i need something else to think about. That article made a good point, we raise children for about 20-25 years of our life but live for about 85 years. So we cant make that 25 years EVERYTHING. I think it is important to put our kides first but we need to remember we are sepearate beings too. And the perfect mother does not exist, just a whole bunch of good mothers

Answer 5

I agree (1) the enormous pressure to be a mother who is all about her children and have no ambitions outside the house (2) that hippies, earth mommas and everybody else are trying to pushing us into a lifestyle that will keep us at home. If that is your ideal life @ home with the kids, good on you. I respect, that. It is not the path for me and I have had it with people trying to guilt-trip me into it.



I put my kids in daycare, returned from maternity early, used formula and now I let my kid watch TV and eat whatever they want (in moderation). I realized that I didn't want motherhood to be my only accomplishment. Yes, my children are very important but not the most important thing I have done. They are not the center of life. I am the center of my life because if I am not happy and fulfilled, what kind of mother can I be? Call me selfish but that is how I choose to be. I still cook, clean, read stories and kiss boo-boos but I am also very involved in my work/hobbies. Just when I started to find the balance..BAM this whole SAHM movement took effect.



Women constantly criticize me,especially since I am married and he makes decent money. I respect their decision to stay at home but they make it seem I am less dedicated to my children then they are. I am a dedicated mother. I just don't let my dedication end at the home. I think this article is extreme but has some valid points about how motherhood is viewed. Motherhood is not oppressive, society makes motherhood oppressive.

Answer 6

Silly sh*t-stirring is what I think of it. And that's what sells, sadly.



"This worries me, because we are creating another model of motherhood where the mother is with her baby 24 hours a day for at least six months. This is a model that eats the personal part of each woman as an individual."--REALLY??? Being with a *brand new human* for six months is a bad thing? Just plain silly...and sad for the children. She can continue being mediocre and I will continue being the best mom I can be. I did not cease to be a daughter, sister, friend or employee when I became a mother. I just became a happier daughter, sister, friend and employee, to be honest. I work full-time and am still nursing my 18-month-old. The idea that you can't do both--happily--is outdated and incorrect.

Answer 7

I'm sure I am going to get hate for this but...this whole SAHM mom thing is a white woman's dilemma.

Black women have to work twice as hard (because racism still exist) to prove there are not some lazy stereotype. Then on top of that raise children who will someday be productive members of society in the middle of drugs, violence and poverty. We don't have the luxury of staying at home and letting our kids be the center of our world, unless our husbands are NBA/NFL or rap stars. Most of us don't have a choice between staying home or working. Hate me if you must but it's the truth.

Answer 8

I only read the first couple of paragraphs but the one thing I didn't care for was how the child is referred to as the "Great Oppressor". Other than that I agree, raise your child how you see fit, if you can manage to nurse until your child is "ready" to detach, good for you. If you are able to process your child's food, good for you (I did this because it was much cheaper than buying to jarred baby foods). If you can stomach washing out nasty cloth diapers, I will give you a super KUDOS. If you prefer to go other routes, as long as the child is well taken care of and loved, who the hecks business is it of anyone else. Not a one of us, even the parents who claim to be Super Moms are not Super Moms. Live it day by day and if you feel the time to stop nursing your child is now although he is still keen about it, stop. Personally, I nursed my children until they had teeth (my elder surprised the heck out of me, no teeth the night before but teeth in the morning, did that hurt like a son of a gun). So I stopped at l MY leisure when my boys were about 9 months old. Heck, my elder one I couldn't even nurse (he was in the hospital for 2 weeks when he was born and I busted my but the first week pumping but that was taking away from the time I had in the hospital w/him so we went formula). I have perfectly healthy kids although I didn't nurse until they were in kindergarten and used disposable diapers.

Answer 9

I think in general its a load of femi-nazi CRAP! This is the same BS the spewed during the 60-70s. It is a great disservice to mothers who want to be mothers. This caused a great many women who wanted to have kids to hold off on the belief that other forms of work would be as self-fulfilling. This made mothers who enjoyed motherhood feel guilty.



You know what the feminist movement really did? It down played motherhood so much, so that now mothers are NOT respected or considered special anymore. Now being a mother is so not special and not REAL work that we have to work outside the home to prove ourselves to the world. This femi-nazi view on motherhood will do nothing but give mother's who dont care about their kids an excuse to smoke, drink and let their kids cry in crappy diapers.



You know who I find OPPRESSIVE? Men who wont F***ING take care of their responsibilities! AND society in general that expects us mothers to be GREAT mothers AND work like dogs outside the home! It is society, not the child, that expects us to be the super-mom. The baby doesn't care what you look like, how fat you are, or if you wear sweats to the store, BUT SOCIETY does. This femi-nazi author obviously doesn't have or like children. She is blame shifting from shiftless FATHERS and demanding societies. Thanks to her, we now have to hear more about how we 'made a DECISION,' to have children, so if we EVER have problems or complaints it's our own fault! (Yes, I have heard that!)



PS. Nursed 2 till 2 yrs, and the last one to almost 3. You have to set some reasonable limits here. Children don't always know when to quit; just look at a couple rough-housing boys or kids who are teasing till the other kid cries. A small child also does not know HOW to quit. In fact child development studies have demonstrated how a young child doesnt understand or know how to quit pouring water in a cup that is over-flowing! (conservation). That is something visual-concrete, so imagine how much harder it is for something that isn't so concrete, makes them feel good and involves quiet snuggle time with mommy? It's hard to tell them 'No, muk. Muk all gone. Muk go bye-bye.' But at some point we have to realize that all childhood is, is a road to separation from parents towards independance and self-sufficiency. Imagine if we said 'let them do it until they are ready to quit' about other things? Eating candy till they vomit. Watching TV all night. Hitting their sister till she's bruised. Teens: Doing drugs till they die (they'll stop when they're ready!) Children with set limits, rules and well-defined boudaries actually show increased confidance, self-esteem, use of proto-logic, etc. A child's motto: I love limits!

Answer 10

Your question is too long. But basically, relax and go with the flow. Do what seems best for you and your little boy and don't listen to too many people, it's just confusing. Oh, by the way, if you want my opinion, I honestly think you can stop breastfeeding now.

Answer 11

I read half the article and had to stop before I threw up.Who ever wrote it makes me sick. Anyone including you,that agrees with her makes me sick. You are putting to much pressure on yourself as a mother. You're not even enjoying motherhood. I feel sorry for you. You're son is almost 3 and still breastfeeding is not his fault.You only have yourself to blame for that. If I let my daughter she would still be on a bottle at 2 1/2 but I took it away from her. Not because she was ready but because it was time. I don't ever feel like my daughter took any part of my life away from me. I have a better relationship with my husband.I have a great appreciation for life after having her. My husband has a great appreciation for me after seeing what I when through to have our daughter and what I do on a day to day bases. It's not your sons fault that you're husband left you a bitter woman so stop taking it out on him. I know plenty of women who have had kids and have continue to have a healthy if not better sex life, a great career and enjoys being a parent. You make me sick. I feel sorry for you're son.

Answer 12

I stopped reading after “Give the baby a bottle and have a drink and a smoke, too.”