Could stay at home mothers help me on this one please?

Question

My wife and I are having many marriage troubles of late, and one of our big issues is with the housekeeping. I work long hours (7am-8pm some nights), and I always make sure I help out with laundry, dinner dishes and cleaning/yard work on weekends. But she says this is not enough? I feel that as a stay home mother (our only child at home is 3years) she should be able to do the basic cleaning and cooking. But our home is always a pigsty, there is never food in the house so I have to do a grocery run at midnight some nights, and I take care of the laundry and the days dishes.
She says I'm being unreasonable expecting her to be able to do the housework by herself, is this so? Because we have a modest sized house and it only takes me a couple hours at weekends. Am I being unfair or do I have a point?

Answer 1

It definitely sounds like she's being unreasonable, you are doing more than your fair share of the work. The only thing you can really do is talk to her about how it's affecting you. Try putting it from the point of view that you feel the housework you do is taking too much time away from the children, you'd rather be playing with them, etc.

Also ask her if there are other ways that you can help her. Eg, can you work out a shopping schedule so that you take turns to bring home some food? At least that way you'll be gently leading her into doing some of it. Also, what about helping her to schedule other things into her day?

Personally I think it's fair to help out on the weekends, but obviously you don't have an issue with that. I don't think you should be doing a weeks worth of cleaning though. She sounds like she could be doing a lot more than she is, does she have any health problems, or suffering from depression, anything like that? If not, it really sounds like it's time to get her act together, all day with just one 3 year old is easy enough to get things done. Good luck, I hope that helps.

Answer 2

The house can't be so bad that it only takes a couple of hours on the weekend to clean.

I don't think that your being unreasonable thinking she should be doing the shopping and cooking.

I have to ask you was she like this before the kid?

If you are messy before you have a kid it's not going to get better after. I have twins and sometimes it's all I can do to vacuum the living room some days. I've come to live in a little mess and worry about the important things. I think you should tell your wife what you expect from her. In a nice way.



"Honey when I get home from work I'd like a warm meal I know it's not going to happen every night but a couple of nights a week please. Sometimes I feel like the house is a mess and I have to come home to another job of cleaning it. You don't have to be Donna Reed but some order would be nice."



You also have to understand that you two were raised differently and the mess might not bother her.

If I were you I would cut the grocery shopping down to once a week you know that it's become your responsibility so make life easier on your self just do it on the weekend for the whole week. Also find some recipes that are simple for you or your wife to make she might not be a good cook.

As a stay at home mom I know it's hard sometimes but your not being unfair in your request. I think you two just really need to talk and work out who does what so it's fair to everyone.

Answer 3

I know you already have a lot of answers but I wanted to respond to this. I am a stay home mom and my husband works outside the home. We have 4 boys. I do ALL the housework. The only thing my husband does is get the garbage ready for the garbage men or sometimes he'll take it to the dump. I do everything else. I cook, do dishes, laundry, all cleaning and my house is always clean.



It sounds to me like your wife is being lazy and she knows you will pick up the slack. I would be having a long talk with her. You work outside the home, and yes raising a child is a big responsibility but part of being a stay home mom is keeping a clean house. I can't imagine expecting my husband to do all that you do after working all day. Yikes, how does she not feel guilty?



When my husband is home I would rather he spend time with the kids, which he does, than clean house.

Answer 4

Wow, you work all those hours and then come home and do chores too!! I am a stay at home Mom with 3 kids and I do absolutely everything when it comes to the housework. I think its wonderful that you help out your wife but she should be able to keep the house clean and have dinner for you when you get home. Grocery runs at midnight after working all those hours is just insane.You are a too good and are being taken advantage of. My husband doesn't know where the laundry room is!!

Answer 5

I'm a stay at home mom of a very active little boy who is turning 1 soon. Housework and caring for the needs of my husband and family is a reflection on how other people see us when we go out. I clean the house, do the laundry, prepare the meals and do the grocery shopping. I always take the time to ask my husband if there is anything special he wants from the store or that he needs with getting ready for any business trips etc.. so he has what he needs. I spend about 1-2 hours a day cleaning my house, which I do when my son is napping. When my son is up I am involved with him in playing games, reading stories, etc...

My husbands only domestic household duties that I have ever asked of him is to put laundry in the proper hamper (we have a 3 section one so lights, darks, bedding & towels all get separated BEFORE laundry day which is a big help), take the trash out for me and occassionally lift something heavy for me. He's always called when he's stopping at the store to ask if I need anything or if he should pick up something I need for dinner fixing etc... When he's home he takes over with "daddy duty" by spending time with our son and doing the things he needs to be cared for- including feeding him dinner, changing diapers and even helping with getting him ready for bedtime.



It works for us. Your wife doesn't want a husband she want's a maid. It's called L A Z Y and S E L F I S H. She needs to start a cleaning routine so that the house can have major things done each day. It does help. Tell her to pick one day a week for the laundry. One day for mopping/vaccuuming. One day for dusting, one for bathroom cleaning etc... Every day stuff is unavoidable like dirty dishes, cooking meals, caring for kids, etc.. It is her responsibility to be the home maker if she is staying home while you are the role of the breadwinner by working outside your home. Stay at home mom does not translate into sitting on your backside eating bon-bons all day long while you flip TV channels. Real stay at home moms that actually get it will tell you that the hours are long, there are no holidays or breaks and the position is voluntary. The pay out though is having children that will look back and say "my mom made it a home" or "my mom made birthdays and holidays great at our house" etc.. No one wants to have their child look back and say "mom was a lazy slob that did nothing."

Answer 6

If she is healthy she should be able to do a majority of the housework. Being that your child is 3 it doesn't need constant care to the extent of an exhausting newborn. Technically I'm supposed to be on bed rest, but I do as much as I can,[daily vacuuming, picking up trash, and putting dishes in the sink, I think its the nesting thing but last night I went insane and we now have spotless bathrooms x_x], because I feel my husband will think like you do. He says he understands, as the more I do the sicker me and baby get, but I understand where you or even my husband would be coming from.

You work all day, we're home. I can not wait till I have this baby and can be healthy again, so I can do my share without harming me or baby! I would try and talk to your wife, ask what she does do all day maybe?

Answer 7

No youre not being unfair and you do ahve a point. But have you thought (and I am not excusing in anyway), that she might be depressed and finding it hard to cope? It is possible. I admire you for doing all that you are doing, because a lot of men wouldnt do that. But there might be a reason for being this way. I would talk to her. If she is depressed then she will find it hard. I have been there and just to get out of bed was a huge effort. It is hard work looking after a child at home and keeping up with the housework, when you are well. But throw depression in the mix and it makes it soooo much harder.

Answer 8

No I don't want to be rude as I am sure you love her despite this but I think she sounds very lazy.

I am a stay at home mother with 5 children aged 15, 12, 9, 7 & 2 and the oldest 4 are at school.

My husband runs his own business and works long hours also.

He always has dinner cooked, I do washing and ironing daily, the groceries myself (he sometimes picks up bread/milk on way home). His lunch is made for him to take to work.

I do this because I appreciate that he is willing to work so hard for the benefit of our children and try to make his life at home as easy as it can be so that he can spend his time at home playing with the kids instead of doing more work!

I believe that a stay at home mothers job is to take care of the house and children while the father is at work.

My husband is wonderful and will always offer to help at night and he has the daily job of bathing the kids after dinner.

I think you are just wonderful to do all that you do and that she is taking advantage of your good nature.

You are being more than fair. But I really have no idea on how you can resolve the issue. Maybe you should get back to basics as a couple and write out a list of each of your repsonsibilities and expectations and negotiate a way for you to both feel appreciated and supported.

Answer 9

Hello, I am a stay at home mother and wife, we have 4 kids age 7,4,2 and 1!!!, I do mostly all the cleaning, laundry,food shopping and cooking , etc.

My husband works full time and I always make sure the house is clean and a hot dinner on the table the time he comes in (old fashioned i know).

Try and have a talk with her if your working full time then she should respect that and try and keep up with the cleaning, cooking, etc.

My husband bought me a dishwasher 3 years ago and that cut the cleaning down alot.

Try and compromise with tell her that if she does the most of it then you will help with the dishes and that, my husband helps me if he don't feel tired.

Is she depressed or something? you have to have a chat with and tell her in a nice way.

good luck.

Answer 10

OK, so I was a stay at home housewife for 12 years with 3 kids born within a 4 year period. I think you are being taken advantage of... It is very busy having a toddler, but even I managed to shop, do the washing and a bit of vacuuming and mopping floors and clean the bathroom. Yes my house was not always the tidiest, but it cant be with 3 toddlers, BUT she sounds quite lazy. My hubby always helped when he could, bringing in the washing some evenings, cleaning up the dishes after dinner, helping me with the kids, but I still did a fair bit of work. The only thing I hated doing and still hate doing is ironing. My hubby does his own, (thankfully) Now I work part time and I still do plenty of housework and he helps. I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife.

Answer 11

Looking after kids is a full time job. She stays home to look after the kid, if she happens to cook a meal or do the laundry and clean the room in the middle of it all, bonus for her. While you work long hours, she never stops, she can't even pee without needing to answer to someone, bet you can.



I believe there needs to be a compromise in there with you guys, while I don't think you should be doing it all which you're making out it's like, you should be helping out when you can. As far as dishes, my spouse has done them happily every night b/c I cook all the meals, it's the least he can do. Laundry, occassionally once a week he might have to fold--whoo hoo big deal. Family is to be a partnership, not an either/or.

Answer 12

if your wife is home all day with only a 3 yr old, the house should be spotless with food on the table ready for when you come home, there is no excuse, it would be different if she were working, you work enough hours and shouldnt have to do shopping and laundey when you get home, she has to get into some kind of routine and stick to it. Are you sure she is not suffering from some kind of depression? maybe a night out at weekend with the help of a babysitter will give her something to look forward to. hope it works out, good luck.

Answer 13

This is crazy. If she wants to be a stay at home mum she has to pull her weight otherwise she should get a job and hire a cleaner and have your child in day care. As for the grocery shopping why not get her to do it on line. She is at home sitting on her but all day anywhere so she will be there when it is delivered. Why don't you get her to sit down and outline what she does all day and then discuss what you do all day. Tell her that for her to expect you to work a 13 hour day and then do all the house keeping is a joke. She should be able to Handel it ALL on her own for crying out loud

Answer 14

I do all the housework in our marriage but it doesnt bother me. We have a 3 and 5 year old and I am a stay at home mom. You definitely shouldnt have to do all the things you say you do. The only thing I get my husband to do is the yard work every other Saturday and sometimes take out the trash on his way to work.

Answer 15

Your wife is isolated, nobody to talk to except her 3 year old baby. She is probably feeling worthless because you or others are making her feel that being a stay at home mom is pretty much being like a freeloader. I've been both and you cannot begin to imagine how hard it is and how it can be depressing. You're starved for adult company and wanting to prove your worth. This is why I now work and have been working for most of my children's lives. My husband had the same attitude as you do, I told him that he can stay at home with the kids while I work. He thought it would be the easy life, guess what? He stopped being a stay at home dad after 4 months and has a newfound respect for all stay at home parents. Why don't you encourage your wife to get a job so that you can stay at home with your child?

Answer 16

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If she wanted to be a stay at home mom, she should be able to keep up with the daily chores like most of us do.

You do too much considering how many hours you put in at work. Maybe you can do your own laundry on the weekend, and if you're home help chip in with other chores, but for her to have a filthy house, there is no excuse for that.

Answer 17

I would be happy if my husband would take out the trash every day, make dinner or wash dishes maybe once a week, and just play with the kids and give them baths at night while I clean up after dinner.

Answer 18

i really feel upset for you i am a stay at home mum i have a large house and a lot of kids thekids and my hubby (who also works hard) comes home goes on the computer (solataire) to wind down we then eat tea he packs some stuff away then he watches tv I do not except him to do much at all during the week .On the weekend he sometimes helps me hang the clothes on the line he cleans the pool and our kids usually mow the lawns .

I love being a stay at home mum .

we have 4 tv so i may have them on all together (if a good show is on) so i can still watch the tv whilst im vacuming etc.

you need to talk to your wife (or TRy) she only has 1 child that can not be hard at all .

goodluck

Answer 19

she just sounds lazy, i work part time from home not on the computer i have a large 2 story house and 6 bedrooms 3 kids 2 5 & 10 my two youngest children have adhd and i get all my house work done and sometimes my work fall behind but my family comes first! my hubby works long hours too mainly 5-6am till around 7 sometimes later and i dont expect him to do any of those things! i do really feel sorry for you cause it sounds like your being taken advantage of and its not right

Answer 20

i think you have a point, especially considering you have only one child who's no longer an infant. (i do think couples ought to share some of the housework, since you've both been "working" at different jobs, but certainly she ought to be able to do much of it during the day, even if not all of it. and while i think i'm justified in avoiding taking four kids under 9 with me to the grocery store on a regular basis, i certainly don't mind bringing just 1, or even 2).



maybe she's depressed? particularly if you're having other issues with your marriage? it's hard to motivate yourself if you're suffering from depression. does she get out of the house/ see friends (with kids, at least), pursue interests? perhaps instead of getting mad, you might see if she needs some help.

Answer 21

Her "job" as a stay at home mom is to take care of the house and the children.



To do the marketing, errands you can't get to because of your hours, and everything else that needs doing.



Maybe you could have a maid service come in once a week or so? They could do the "big things" like washing floors and scrubbing toilets.

Or, hire a landscape service to take care of the yard.

Answer 22

Sounds like you are doing more than your fair share of the work.

Basic household cleaning and cooking is not an unrealistic expectation. Your wife could involve your 3 year old with jobs, my 3 year old loves to "help out"

Answer 23

i dont think she is being very fair to you if what u say is true. if she is home all day there are things she should do seeing as being at home is the job she chose. i beleive both husband and wife she helped each other out but it seems to me she is expecting to much from you and you need to sit her down and have a nice long talk with her if that dont work well i wish you the best of luck

Answer 24

Maybe she's not lazy and just depressed. House cleaning can be overwhelming even if you don't have a kid if you feel fatigued and sad all day. Maybe your missing signs of depression due to all of your marriage problems and long hours. You ought to sit down and talk to her in a calm, caring manner and ask if she has been feeling unusually sad or overwhelmed lately.

Answer 25

She sounds depressed. Be kind and find out. Being at home with one child destroys a womans self esteem and sense of worth. Its much worse when it's only one child. She needs to get out in the world.

Answer 26

well my husband works very long hours but he still makes an effort to make dinner as his way of spending his 'special' time with the kids. I do most of the laundry not his cause he works in the poop field and i can't be bothered to touch his poopy clothes. Most of our housework is split 50/50 cause even though he works night and works long hours so do i. I don't get breaks during the day and when the kids are sick he doesn't have to get up to them and he doesn't have to tend to them, i do. When the kids are seen off to school he is in bed, when they need lunches i make them. His job may seem long but so is mine so its not unreasonable for ME to ask my husband to split the housework 50/50.

why don't you just buy the basic groceries for your family and leave the housework, only do your laundry and wash your dishes and leave the rest. After awhile she may get sick of looking at it and do some work, perhaps she isn't doing anything because she knows you will if she doesn't.

split the housework 50/50 with her and see what happens.

Answer 27

You have a very valid point. She needs the Flylady. As hard as being a SAHM is, it's not rocket science.

Get her to check out this site: www.flylady.net.

It's nice to see a hubby helping out but she really needs to get off her duff. Good luck.

Answer 28

I am a SAHM.

If YOU are the one bothered by the state of the house, YOU clean it.

She's not a SAHM to just be a maid, it's to be a MOM. C'mon, you want her happy, don't you - nice and relaxed after a tough day so the two of you can fall into bed together and have some couple time? So, just help out. You'll be glad you did.

Answer 29

not to me isn't normal i think she should do most of the stuff and you should help out, it just seems like you are doing everything



talk to her and explain how you feel



i think she is just being lazy



there are mothers who work and still do everything

Answer 30

She is a lazy spoiled brat and she needs a kick up the butt.

Answer 31

I'm a stay at home mom for the most part. I do work part time but only 1 day a week. I take care of our 1 yr old as well as all the cooking, household cleaning, etc.



You are not being unfair in your expectations at all. Unfortunately your actions at home just reinforce your wife's mindset. The amount that you are contributing to your households cleaning is much more than most men in your same situation. This is not meant as a negative comment in any way. It's just that most men who are gone for 13 hrs a day at work are usually exhausted by the time they get home at night (and rightfully so).



My husband has a similar schedule to the one you have. He leaves home around 6am and doesn't return in the evening til about 7pm. My husband has never done a single dish or load of laundry or cooked a meal since I married him. If I want him to take out the trash I make sure to pull the bag out of the trash can and set it by the front door and he'll take it out in the morning on his way out the door. He also deals with the joys of changing out the kitty boxes. This is only because he had to while I was pregnant and I just haven't "reinherited" the duty yet.



Somedays things do get hectic and I feel very overwhelmed. The job of "wife & mommy" never ends. Sometimes after a long day of fussy baby with yet another ear infection the last thing I want to hear is my husband complain about how long his day is as soon as he walks in the door. At least at that point, his day has ended unlike mine. My day starts when his does, yet doesn't end until my daughter falls asleep at 8pm AND I finish up dinner dishes, etc which usually pushes out my "day" to 9pm or so.



On particularly rough days (when either daughter or I don't feel well, etc), I do ask for a little bit of help. But, when I ask for "help" it's asking my husband to stop and pick up something for dinner on his way home from work so that I can avoid dinner dishes that night. I have also asked him to stop at the store on his way home to pick up some groceries. I do this only if I think of something I really need and he happens to be driving home at the time. I've never asked him to do any actual cooking or cleaning.



In my opinion, even though there's still a lot for me to do once hubby is home, I do not ask or pressure my husband to help me very much. This is because he gets home around 7pm and my daughter goes to bed at 8-8:30pm. I believe it's very important that he get to spend that time with her. My daughter loves it too. She eats dinner at 6 or 6:30 and is usually still in her high chair when my husband gets home. You should see the huge smile she gets on her face and the way she tries to break out of the chair when she sees him. She knows it's "daddy time" and she LOVES playing with him before she has to settle down for the night. If I were to pressure my husband into cooking dinner when he got home, I would be taking this precious daddy/daughter time away from my daughter, which isn't right. So, I let them have their time while I make dinner for hubby and I.



For me, I think that it's all about perception and choosing your battles wisely. I could easily start asking for help as soon as my husband walks in the door by claiming that I too was busy all day and that there is still more to do. But, I recognize the value in that time being spent as quality daddy / daughter time.



I also think carefully about choosing what areas to ask for help. It makes all the difference in the world. My husband seems more than happy to stop at the store on his way home. For me, it would be a hassle to load up the diaper bag, get kid ready, get out the door, get to the store, shop, etc. So if I can avoid a hassle and at the same time not inconvenience my husband too much, that's an optimal situation. Same goes for the trash. For whatever reason, hubby will not take the damn bag out of the trash can, and then take out the bag. I could either argue this point endlessly or just pull the bag out at night and set it by the front door. This takes me 5 seconds and he takes the bag out first thing in the morning on his way out the door. Instead of complaining about this, I just appreciate the fact that spending 5 seconds tying up the bag means I don't have to drag the stinky bag out myself.



I manage to care for my 12 month old, do all the cooking, clean the house, and even work a little bit. There's no reason your home should ever be a pigsty.



Good luck to you!

Answer 32

i think you do more than enough,tell her stop been so lazy