Why do parents accept mediocrity in their children?

Question

My daughters report card comes home today and I am so excited. This is not her first report card but it is the first one with the A,B,C,D,F system. She is in the 3rd grade.

I was talking with my girlfriend yesterday and her son is in my daughters class. We were talking about the grades we expect to see on the report card and she told me if he got C's she would be happy. I was floored!

Then I told her my thoughts on grades:

A's are EXPECTED
B's are ACCEPTED
C''s mean nothing more than my foot will see your @ss.

And I will not even discuss D's or F's in my home because (and this is exactly how I tell my daughter) it will be the end of the world as she knows it.

Then she said I was putting too much pressure on my daughter to get good grades. I continued to explain to her that if my daughter knows what is expected of her from a young age she will do it. I don't believe in waiting until some one is in the 9th grade and then telling them "Okay little so and so up until now you have gotten C's and D's and a few F's but now that you are in high school you must get A's and B's" that will never work!

I am not one of those parents who has my daughter over scheduled. She does do a few after school activities. The rule is for every two she picks I get to pick one. Right now she is in Drama Club and Girl Scouts and the one I picked for her is Homework Club.

My husband even says I am too tough on grades and he is afraid she will be a neurotic mess but I always respond with "Yea but she will be a neurotic brain surgeon!"

Do you feel that the younger grades are not only teaching the fundamentals but laying the ground work for the rest of their education and that we should as parents expect nothing less than what we know they can do, which in my daughters case is A's and B's, or as parents do you think we should accept mediocrity?

Thanks!!!

Answer 1

Just keep doing what you're doing now. If other people have low expectations of their kids, then that's their problem, not yours.

Answer 2

I think that it depends on the child.

If the child has honestly been trying to do well in a course but failed anyway, then you would have to discuss why it is so difficult. Some people are just naturally good at some things, and horrible at others.



So if my child were to come home with excellent marks in one class, say english, but was failing math, but I saw that she was doing her math homework every night, and was asking for help, I wouldn't be upset about a low mark.



If every night it was "I have no homework"... then it'd be a problem.



I think I would look at it this way.



A's are expected,

B's are accepted, with a question of "what can you do to improve this?"

C's would result in a tutor.

D's and lower would result in some sort of intervention, like a lack of social life.



I think it also depends on the course, I wouldn't really care all that much if my kid brought home a "C" in drama, I mean if it's really not her thing, at least she's still showing up to class.



Always listen to your child though. Don't just assume they are not trying.

Answer 3

I understand that you want your children to know that you expect them to do THEIR BEST in school.



I do not agree with telling you children that if they get a "C" that you will put a foot up their a**.



Teachers are different and use different methods when it comes to grading.



What your child considers to be "their best" may be far from the teachers expectations.



I will never tell my children that they MUST get "A's" and that "B's" are ACCEPTED. I will tell them that I want them to do their best and to try hard to exceed at everything they do. I feel that I will be able to tell (at that time in their lives..when they are in school) if my children are working hard or not. I will know whether or not they are studying and doing their homework and I will be fully involved in helping them out.



While I was in school...not too long ago...my teachers would throw in a lot of miscellaneous questions on a test...they pertained to what we were learning....but they were rarely mentioned and no matter how hard everyone studied...a lot of people got them wrong.



I worked my butt off in school to get good grades.. I always studied and I always did my homework and put in 110%...and STILL I got B's and C's at some point. I even got a D once! That did not mean that I didn't try.



I think that you should use a different choice of words with your children when it comes to school. Let them know that you expect them to try their hardest, raise their hand when they have questions, ask for help, take notes, study, do their homework..etc...



I don't think that you should make them feel like they HAVE to get an "A" or ELSE! They are children and I know from experience....it was FRIGHTENING to go home when I got a grade lower than I was "suppose" to. Do you really want to make your children afraid of you and afraid to talk to you about things?

Answer 4

Why not encourage your daughter to be the best she can be instead of pushing her to achieve grades you deem acceptable? And 3 extracurricular activities for a child in grade three is actually quite a lot

When she is in high school spending hours studying and completing assignments with you standing overhead demanding that she not be "mediocre" and achieve all a's (although a B is acceptable but discouraged) with the many extracurricular activities that you have lined up for her, she is certain to have a nervous breakdown. Or rebel and drop out of school. I'd hate to think your reaction (sure to be a foot up her %ss) if she didn't want to pursue an academic career but instead wanted to pursue something musical or artistic in nature.

And what will happen when she finds out how poorly you did in school? Isn't it likely she'd view you as somewhat hypocritical?

Answer 5

I will help my child in her education.



I will be happy with good grades.



I will be happy with ok grades as long as I know she tried her hardest.



The only thing that will be unacceptable, is not making an effort, not under achieving.



Some kids arent overly academic and have other wonderful talents - and thats ok. its not mediocrity. Its that child being an individual and as a parent recognising your childs talents and struggles.



I think classing bad grades as mediocrity is arrogant parenting and those parents should focus more on the child and why they are not achieving those grades.

Answer 6

Yup, your friend has the better method than you on this one.



Listen, you will not make a brain surgeon out of your child. She will be academic if it's in her gene pool, pure and simple, not because of your pressure tactics.



When your child leaves for school in the morning wish her a good day and ask her to do her best. Take your husbands advice and let her be a happy kid. Support her with her school work and be proud of her accomplishments and failures too.



And one final note, how can you call your friends son 'just bad'? Really, I find that a rude comment to make about an 8 yo.



You seem very opinionated, I hope your friendship is strong enough for your competitiveness and I hope your daughter has nerves of steel.

Answer 7

Because not all parents are controlling @ssholes.



Do you really think the philosophy that "As are expected" is a good one? Maybe you're too old to remember, but in school, kids have about a hundred things to worry about other than school work - and most of them seem more important than school at the time.



Getting on As is pretty easy if all you ever think about is school, and you don't worry about friends, or social status, or acne, or clothes, etc. But, it's not healthy to only think about school.



Maybe you should tell your kid to do the best they can, and not stick your foot up there @ss if they don't always do perfectly.







"My husband even says I am too tough on grades and he is afraid she will be a neurotic mess but I always respond with "Yea but she will be a neurotic brain surgeon!""



This sentence is the epitome of your foolishness. You just admitted that it's okay for your daughter to become mentally/emotionally unstable as long as she makes good money. You may not realize this, but money does not equal happiness. Sure, money is great, but it's not worth the expense of giving up happiness. She's a kid (only in third grade now!), let her be a kid.

Answer 8

You'd beat her for C's, C's are quite good, should your husband smack you in the mouth every time your cooking isn't up to Jamie Oliver standards? It's not "mediocrity" it's reality.



As for "neurotic brain surgeon" you actually wouldn't care if grows up to have a personality disorder? You'd rather she grew up a suicidal mess just so you can show off by saying, "f*ck yeah my daughter's a surgeon.



Not over scheduled? You expect her to go a homework club (which she doesn't want to do), two other activities as well as 7 hours of school, which she will be beaten if she doesn't get all A's, yeah that's not too strict.

Answer 9

Have you actually listened to yourself? "C''s mean nothing more than my foot will see your @ss. And I will not even discuss D's or F's in my home because (and this is exactly how I tell my daughter) it will be the end of the world as she knows it."



So what exactly are you going to do other than put your "foot up her @ss" if she brings home a D? Beat her?....great parenting calm & controlled I must say.



I to expect the best from my daughter, but fear is definitely not the way you make sure she tries her best at school. I've read other answers from you & You seem very angry & immature.. I honestly think you just had your daughter because you wanted someone to bully and control. I feel sorry for her and you.. who will end with a daughter that is bitter toward her.

Answer 10

I can see the reaction if it is from college courses by not from elementary thru high schools. There was a stat done on the avg students across the county to the overall country. I was appalled when I couldn't believe that the math and writing scores for high school students were below 50%! I am assuming that the kids were bored and lost the desire to learn as their parents lost the enthusiasm in their kids' academic achievement. Very sad, indeed!



That is great your daughter is doing great. I see nothing wrong with being strict on the grades as long as you don't pressure her on things that are beyond her abilities. Like my parents, they couldn't deal with the fact that the elementary school I was in years ago was not teaching advanced math. So they forced me to learn the material at home. I learned Algebra at 8 years old and was expected to know Calculus by ten. Maybe that could be the reason why I wanted to leave for college at 15.

Answer 11

All children are different. We need to have high expectations, but this does not mean that you have to be upset if your children don't get A's or B's. A's and B's vary from school to school anyway and in some cases can be quite subjective. I am a teacher and we cross check each others marking. In some cases, marks may vary by up to 2 grades. Not all schools have cross checking and schools don't usually cross check against each other.



Some children are really good at one or two subjects, but struggle in others. Some struggle in all subjects. If they think that they will be in trouble for not getting top grades in everything, they can lose confidence and do badly because of this.



Yes, expect what you know they can do and maybe your daughters can get A's and B's; maybe your friend's son can't do as well as your daughters. If he plays up it may be his immaturity and pressuring him will not change this, only time. This is not the end of the world for him. He may catch up later or maybe his talents lie in non-academic directions. One student I taught was very good at art and now earns a very good living as an artist. She always struggled with academic work, but she is now extremely happy. Another student who got D's and E's is a motor mechanic with his own business. His business has four branches and he earns far more than I could dream about earning. Another student always got straight A's. She was pushed hard by her parents. She started at University doing medicine, but dropped out. She had always loved music and played the piano and violin. She changed to a music degree and now plays in an orchestra, but not a top one. She earns enough to get by. She has very little to do with her parents. Another student always played around and did not do as well as he could. When he reached year twelve he settled down, studied hard and did well enough to get into law. He is doing first year and has probably topped his year this year.



Encourage your daughters to do their best. Let them follow their interests. Don't panic if they don't do as well as you expect. Make sure that they have enough time for friends. I am more worried about students who have social difficulties than students who have academic difficulties.

Answer 12

Personally I believe that pushing a 3rd grader the way your child is being pushed takes away from enjoying their education. All they worry about is getting good grades. As she gets older and school gets more difficult, because let's be real who doesn't get good grades in 3rd grade, she is going to feel more pressure to live up to your unreal expectations. Learning should be fun and exciting to a child, rather than being a burden. There are ways to stress the importance of an education without putting a foot up her behind.



I hope for your sake, and your daughter's, that you're able to relax a little as she gets older and let her learn at her pace. Otherwise you're going to be spending a lot of money to tell a stranger why your daughter is nuerotic and obsessive compulsive.

Answer 13

Okay, I'm going to say this and try to sound as humble as possible. I was always a straight A student without any prodding of my my mother at all. In fact, she always asked me "Where did I get you?" School just always came easily to me, even in the most advanced classes. Of course, being in the honors and AP classes, I was surrounded by others who were also at the top of their class. Unfortunately, they weren't as lucky as me to have parents who let them find their own paths.



Some of my peers were so anxiety stricken about bringing home A's that they sought illegal ways to get Xanax, had numerous emotional break downs, smoked pot like crazy, and one was a closet-functioning alcoholic who couldn't make it through school without a drink. I always felt so bad for them, but didn't know how to help. Guess what? Most of them barely talk to their parents anymore. They all had falling outs, and some didn't even make it through college because they were so burnt out by the end of high school.



It's one thing to encourage your children to try, help them see how great an education can be. But, grades are not the end all-be all of the world. Out here in the real world, no one cares that I graduated with a 5.2 GPA and got a 1540 on my SATS. It never even came up during any job interview. So, raising a basket case isn't going to help her in the long run. It's only going to make her resent you and rebel later on. You should take it easy on her. You don't want her to be an 8 year old with an ulcer.

Answer 14

I have the same views as you, so did my Parents.



I was a straight A student, and in Year 12 I received a B (ironically for spelling & Handwriting). I was floored, and I was so upset over the fact I had to tell my Foster Parents.



However both told me, how proud they were of me, and that they knew I would have tried my hardest. Which is true, I gave everything into my school work.



I don't think your tough, but I think within reason, just be proud of your child for doing their best. As long as they do their best, I cannot and will not complain.

Answer 15

Ever hear of the word overbearing? Because it's describing you very well. My parents were just like you and I resented the hell out of them for it. You need to lighten up or you're going to have a very resentful, strung out child on your hands. You should expect your child to do her best, not to do what you think should be her best.

This is not parenting, this is dictating, and we all know how much everyone loves a dictator. Why don't you stop trying to create a super genius and be happy with the child that you have!

Answer 16

"And I will not even discuss D's or F's in my home because (and this is exactly how I tell my daughter) it will be the end of the world as she knows it."



So, what exactly are you going to do to your child when she brings home a D? I don't think I wanna know....



I am raising HAPPY kids, grades really aren't that important to me. I got A's and B's and it didn't get me anywhere special....



Hoping for a 'neurotic brain surgeon' so you can retire and your kid can support you?



I would rather my kid be a happy homeless person than a neurotic brain surgeon.

Answer 17

I think you are pushing too hard. Consult with her

teacher to see if she is under performing. If so, and only

then, get on her case about working harder. Her teacher

probably has a more objective judgment about her abilities

than you do.

With my two children, I used "pull" rather than "push".

I am educated and always made it clear to them that

education was essential to their futures. I offered help

anytime it was needed but never pushed.

My son is the founder and operator of a successful

business. My daughter has two Master's degrees from

major US universities and holds a responsible position

as an intelligence analyst in the Dept. of Homeland

Security.

It worked for them and would work for your

daughter too.

Answer 18

By having realistic expectations of your child, you arn't accepting mediocrity, you are being REALISTIC. You say that your daughter isn't overscheduled, but if she is doing three activities a week, that is a little overscheduled, especially since drama clubs and girl scouts are rarely just a once a week thing, and can spill over onto weekends, not to mention the fact that you insist on forcing her into activities that she may have no interest in (home work club? I mean, c'mon). I think you are nto only setting yourself up for disappointment in the years to come, you are setting your daughter up for disappointment in herself when she is unable to live up to your expectations of being a "neurotic brain surgeon" later in life.

Answer 19

Good grades are important to me but effort and understanding are more important. If my son gets a bad grade because he didn't understand it o.k, but if he gets a bad grade due to laziness that's not ok. Even w/the understanding bit, I expect him to get help if he's not completely getting it. There will always be get out of jail free cards when it comes to a subject he's just downright struggling with. I know that firsthand. I might have actually wanted to go to school if it hadn't been for math.

Answer 20

While it's wonderful that you want the best for your children, putting the fear of failure (only measured in your eyes in regards to grades) is very damaging.



You are putting your ideals into your child and accepting nothing but which you deem fit....a little unfair don't you think?



Growing up, my parents were tuff as nails on me, and I'd of given anything for them to accept that what I did was my best effort and I was sorry I couldn't live upto their expectations--that is what you will create in your child, never feeling like they measure up to your expectations.



You know the funny thing is tho, my dad thought if he called me stupid and threatened that I'd end up working in a donut store punching donutes was the best way to get through to me--you know what --it stopped one day when I finally had enough and said, ''so like what do you mean like mom?'' My mom had just accepted a job working in a donut store!



Was worth the clip upside my head for that one and it stopped their own stupidity on how I was in my schooling--

Answer 21

Woah. You are way too harsh on your little girl.

You can make her so anxious about not getting it perfect that she doesn't get the lesson at all.



The important thing is the effort. If she is working her toochie off and trying her best to grasp material, and still gets a C or (gulp) a D, than you would actually punish her for it?



It's one thing to encourage and expect "A"'s. I do for mine. But it's another thing to be so extreme in your views about it. Be careful that she doesn't get the message that her grades are all she is worth.



Being able to make mistakes and learn from them-- is a lot more important than someday being a "brain surgeon".



Best wishes to you and your family. :)

Answer 22

*sigh* You have it all wrong. I was a kid with a genius IQ (tested in the first grade). My parents never pressured me to get good grades, they simply congratulated me and supported me. So, I got good grades. True, they slipped in high school as I became bored with the meager public school system, but I had the highest ACT in my graduating class.



Don't pressure your child. Also, intelligence is more nature than nurture. You can't expect an average child to become a neurosurgeon (not brain surgeon). Love your child for what he/she is.

Answer 23

I expect my children to do their best.



I don't care what the letter grade is, though.



It's the effort that's important. Are they trying? Are they being respectful to their teachers & classmates? Are they making the most of the opportunities to learn?



Additionally, I want them to have lives that they enjoy. Everyone needs time to be happy and content. That's what's really important in the long run.

Answer 24

i have raised 3 sons...

they participated in activities outside of school..

i NEVER said a certain grade letter is expected...

i ALWAYS told them i expect them to do their BEST..

if i felt they were not doing their best... then they would loose one of "their" favorite activities until the grade came up....



i always felt that if i PLACED too much pressure on them then they may resent it and not live up to their full potential..... (kids do this.. you know... it is like... ill show them) luckily my kids did not do this....



if a c was their best and i KNEW they really tried then that was accepted with the condition that we would all work together on that subject to help him understand it better and to bring the grade up..



as of today...

my oldest son has his own company, married with 4 gorgeous children.....

my second son is retiring from the army and is opening his own business and he is married......

my 3rd son is in 10th grade.. in all pre AP courses (which was his decision)... and is looking at colleges because he wants to have a career in phsycology.. to be a child phsycologist.....

i am proud of all my children...... they had to live up to their expectations..... not my expectations of them..... they knew i was always there to support them.. and i always told them that the sky is the limit.... nothing is out of their reach if they want it and focus.....

they always knew..... school came first....

please remember.... not to placed too much pressure on your child.... it could backfire on you.....



Good Luck......... = )



ADDITIONAL....

I READ YOUR PROFILE and it states....

this ia a copy of your profile.............



About me: I like to think I am pretty level headed,

while I don't have all the answers I will give you the best ones I got.



OK.... so you think your pretty level headed..... it really does not sound like it with the expectations you PUSH your child into................

and what...... you don't have all the answers but you will give the BEST ones you have........

what if YOUR BEST is not good enough..... what if someone wanted to put their foot up your *** because you did your BEST..... maybe that is not what someone else believes your capable of... maybe they expect more from you.. that your BEST is not good enough...... how would this make you feel..... maybe like...... why even try.... i'll give up because no matter how hard i try i can only get a C.... why can't my mother accept the best of me... that is "my best" not "what she thinks my best is"

Answer 25

I expect my child's individual best. If that is straight A's then that is what I expect to see. If the child is capable of C's then that is what I expect.

My children were not made with cookie cutters and I can't expect to see the same abilities in each.

My 14 year old is capable of A's in almost every subject and that is what her father and I expect to see each term. We are aware of her weaker subjects and can only ask her personal best in those.

Answer 26

It seems as though you are using threats as a parent..your foot up the child's ***? I hope you don't say that to your daughter..and the end of her world? Nice way to scare her..I'd be terrified if you were my mother and really, in turn I would hide things from you. Do you want your daughter to come to you for help or do you want her to have to hide stuff from you because she is afraid of what will happen?

Answer 27

I think children need to uphold their grades to the best of their ability. If C's are the best they can do, great. If they are capable of A's, a C would disappoint me.



EDIT: If your friend's boy is a bad kid, they have more important things on their plate than grades. A happy child is most important, and a bad kid is not happy.

Answer 28

It is good to expect the best from your kids but you sound like you're headed to Momzilla mode.

The boy who sat behind me in class never got grades worth talking about. Now, 30 years later, he OWNS a bank.

Balance is key.

Answer 29

A= excellent

B=very good

C=good

D=needs a bit of improvement

F=needs a lot of improvement



c's are not that bad, they are what you should be getting, d's aren't that bad either, if you only have a few

Answer 30

my parent's pressured me to get A's and B's when i was young and it was too much to handle. In high school i just gave up and my grades dropped very low( i mean like F's). Please dont do this to your daghter. I dont think you should really care what grades she gets, as long as she's giving 100% into her work even if that means she gets C's

Answer 31

If they try their hardest and all they can get is C's then that is fine.



I told my step-daughter that brought home C's. "Did you try your hardest?" She said no. I asked her, "Do you think you can try harder and get a better grade?" She said yes. If her grade didn't improve, then you discipline. Everyone messes up. They need second chances.



BTW, "discipline" means "to teach." Not "to put foot up @ss."

Answer 32

I disagree.



I expect my kids' best effort and their best behavior. Whatever grade that best effort results in is fine by me.



Did you never take a class that was challenging for you? I was a straight-A student through high school. I went to an Ivy League university and did quite well. There was one class I took in college that I worked my butt off in and got a C. Now, I could have taken an easier class and gotten an A. Or I could have cheated and gotten an A. What would the point have been in that? I don't want my kids focusing on what they can't control (grades). I do want them focusing on what they can (effort).

Answer 33

Because if they put the pressure on their child that you are, their child will have major issues.

Answer 34

Good for you! I agree with your thinking. I wouldn't overstress her by freaking out if she does poorly on a report card. But I would sternly explain that if it becomes a consistent occurence there will be consequences. Good grades are very important. My parents were not too hard on me when it came to grades and it definitely showed through school. If I got D's or F's I would get introuble but no real punishment ever came of it. At that, when I got A's or B's they didn't really make a big deal of it either.



Starting young is a good thing. Don't make it overkill though. You can get a little tougher on her the older she gets. But now is the time to lay a good foundation for good habits.



Good luck!