What is a fair punishment for a teen dying her hair black?

Question

My 17 yr old daughter had beautiful blond hair.... It was a mixture of blond & strawberry & I allowed her to have a layer of black underneath. It actually looked pretty nice. She called me from her friends yesterday to ask my permission to dye her hair light brown. I said that is fine. When I got home it was all black. She tried to convince me she left the light brown on too long & it wasn't her fault. I said light brown doesnt turn black!!! It told her she lost going to a concert she wanted to go to next month.... Does this fit the crime? or should there be a different punishment.... Help????

Answer 1

Hi Mom

I am a 37 year old mom of three and a "reformed" teen punk. I am having trouble understanding what the REAL problem is here. I understand that you are a loving, concerned parent and that your daughter has done something of which you do not approve, however she is almost an adult. Her hair is her own, for now and for always, for darker or for lighter, until death do they part. Why Oh why is she not allowed to express her individuality by choosing her own colour? My natural colour is very light ( Nordic) blonde. When I was 14 I chose to dye half my head pitch black and leave the other blonde. I survived and am forever grateful that my mother chose to let me "get it out of my system" then. I have also had experience with dye jobs gone bad. I once coveted a "strawberry blonde" look to my natural ashen shade. I bought and tried a commercial dye that seemed to promise the desired effect, only to turn my hair an unflattering deep auburn. Consider the idea that she is telling the truth and that her bad dye job is indeed a mistake. Even if you find out it is not, consider my well meaning words... It is not your hair or you life. Your "little girl" is growing up. Embrace who she is and who she is going to be and adjust your needs with hers. I am not trying to be mean or disrespect you, but you cannot control her forever. Is her hair colour seriously the biggest issue you have?!?!? Better that than drugs, sex, pregnancy, crime, failing grades etc. Count your blessings instead of counting her faults.

Answer 2

Honestly, she's 17 and i wouldn't punish her. The punishment will be when she decides she doesn't like the black anymore and wants it a lighter color. It will be a chore and a half to get it lightened, if it will lighten at all. I would let it go.



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And before I get accused of being a teen jumping out of the woodwork, I'm a 33 yo mother of a 12 yo and expecting another child any moment now.



My mom, like many other responders here, let me basically do what I wanted to my hair. I had a job and paid for it all myself. One time I wanted to go from strawberry blonde to Madonna platinum blonde (remember the really short hair style she had...LoL!). Well, I had it done professionally and it still turned out wrong.....it came out YELLOW. I dug it though.



I think that she will look in the mirror and really dislike it, or she may like it a lot. I know I am a natural dark blonde yet dye my hair dark auburn, and like it better that way.



I think that maybe you are just in shock from the whole thing, mostly being deceived. But this is how teenagers learn, from their own mistakes. She will think twice before making such a dramatic change in the future.

Answer 3

I would say no punishment.



For one, like you daughter seems to have tried to tell you, those at home dye are somethimes unreliable and tempormental. I mean, I tried to bleach my hair once and it came out just being a dark shade of green. Imagine walking around like that for a few months before the dye went away.



Also, like another poster has said, the child should be given independance. I mean, the child is seventeen and in a year able to leave the home. You should let her make some of her own choices about her style and life.



You're sort of lucky that it was something small like a dye job in the case of children trying to obtain independance. It could have been much worse.



In conclusion, remember this. The dye may fade but your daughter's memory will not.

Answer 4

Personally, I don't think it's a big deal. Teenagers are curious to try out different images and looks. It's true that rebellion can lead to all sorts of problems, but what could this particular hair incident lead to? I think it's relatively harmless, and I'd see it as a "healthy rebellion".



Although . . . wanting to dye her hair tells me that there may be things about herself that she doesn't like, or that she yearns for a feeling of accomplishment as if she feels like she doesn't have control over things. Choosing a hair color and dying it herself is a quick and easy way to get the feeling of control and sense of accomplishment. Sorry for the drastic comparison, but many times teens plagued with annexoria like the feeling of accomplishment because they're able to "control" what they eat.



Instead of thinking about punishments, maybe you should talk to her, woman to woman, and find out why exactly she enjoys changing her hair. Is it simply because she finds it "cool"? Or is there something about herself that she is desperatly trying to get control over, and so changing her hair is an easy concealer of the "root" problem ? (pardon the pun)



You can reinforce to her that you think she is so beautiful without the black hair and you know that others find her beautiful too. Getting so upset at the fact she made her hair darker than "you allowed" tells me that you also want to have a hand in "control". I'm not saying that parents shouldn't control their kids--but at some point it goes a bit overboard.



You know, high school is a tough time image-wise, especially for girls. You can always encourage her that in college it's going to be a lot different. I suppose you can deny her privledges to go to that concert next month; but on that day, why don't you make it a "mom and daughter day"? Treat both of you to a nice visit to a spa and salon? Pamper yourselves, get a cool makeover! You could even let HER pick out a fun new style for you from a magazine. Treat her to a professional style cut and color. Doll both yourselves up. Reinforce positive things about her and who she is. You need to help her realize and accomplish the goals she has.



Think about how you can be creating this memorable experience for years down the road by a mom and daugher spa day as an alternative to just a crumby memory of not getting to go to a concert !

Answer 5

It's enough punishment... some years back when I was about 17 I did the same thing. Thing is, you can't dye over black, you could only strip your hair which will make it fall out from so much damage. It took me over a year to get it out, with lots of hair cuts. After a month looking at what would of been my long blond hair and saw this pitch black hair I wanted to cry, and I had to live with it. I always think twice before changing my hair color now.

Answer 6

Seems like she might of know you of freaked out. It's hair, I could understand if she lied about being some where and not being there. She is at the age of wanting to experiment her inner self. Most of it will be phases. Loosen up, if she knows you'll freak about hair dye she wont be comfortable coming to you about more serious things. I would tell her she is stuck with it. Your not paying for it to be fix nor want to hear her be upset about it. Also let her know you were disappointed in her lying and she'll get father confronting honestly. Remember mom, she is 17!!! I much rather have my child come home with green hair and some piercings then getting a phone call to identify my child body from a drug od.... pick your battles.

Answer 7

Amy,

This is just part of the phase that kids go through at this age. Self discovery is an important part of growing up. Did you not ever want to dye your hair? Was it your parents ruling that it did not happen? Or perhaps some clothes that you wanted to wear that your parents vetoed...? Almost every kid goes through this and is 100% natural. I know that it is very frustrating to see a your beautiful child do something to themselves that is not in unison with you thoughts, but once again....it's not permanant (it will grow out the natural color), its not drugs, its not a tattoo, she could be doing a lot worse things in life..... Give her a little support and let her know that you are on her side. You may find out the she is more apt to open up to you and tell you the truth about more things in life if she knows that she has somebody to turn to instead of somebody to fear. I wish you the best with your decision Amy.

Answer 8

I dont think she should be punished at all. It's her hair, why should someone else tell her how she should look. That doesn't make sense to me?..

I know, I know, she is living in your house, your rules. But really, whats wrong with letting a person have some freedom with how they look.? It's just hair, it'll grow back. It's not like she went out and got some face tattoos....

Plus if you make her feel as if her making her own decisions is wrong, you are teaching her she doesnt have controll of her own self.



After reading your additional comments I think that your child wanted to dye her hair black, she knew this when she asked. It seems as if she felt she couldnt ask you this because you would say no or judge her. So she lied to get her way. I'm not trying to be judgemental to you, just saying what it looks like from the outside looking in based on your info. It seems like she doesnt feel like she can ask you because you wont give her a fair shot. It's her hair though, I dont think she should be asking permission from anyone, including her mother, about what she should to do it. She should tell you and maybe ask your opinion.

Answer 9

Don't punish her this time round. Why? A dye is not forever. The hair will come to its normal colour and then you can insist on light brown. Please allow your little sweet daughter to enjoy her concert because to start with the hair colour was not a conditionality for her attending the concert. If it had been you can be sure your little daughter would have ensured her safe attendance with light brown hair.

Answer 10

You have to understand, in todays society, teenagers going out and doing things is not uncommon. i dont think you should punish her at all.



The fact she even asks your permission before doing anything, shows you have raised an intelligent and respectful child. it sounds to me like an honest mistake. I understand that you are very protective of your daughters behavior... but shes about to be 18. Its time she learns to think for herself, and make decisions that concern her without your permission. I think at this point, you've established that bond. In the future, you can almost guarentee she will get your opinion before doing anything (Great parenting!!). But i think you should let her play with her new brown hair.



Besides, just because you liked the blond doesnt always mean she was a fan. I think you should have a conversation with her, very calm and collected. Explain how you wish she hadnt gone such a dark shade, but you understand accidents happen. And this is a powerful lesson on the importance of reading instructions and using timers. Tell her it looks good, give her a hug, and tell her to have a good day. And silently thank her for not going pink, blue, orange, gettin her nose pierced or gettin that tattoo!



EDIT: Oooh... she lied!! well in that case... i'd say, dont kill the concert idea. Tickets arent cheap, and its kinda hypocrital to educated a teenager on the value of money, and than throw it away. But definately, establish that her lack of honesty has put suspicion of trust in your brain and she needs to earn that back. Put her behind on a short leash!! Call me when you get there, call me when you leave, tell me what you're doing, if i call you - you better answer, if you dont - you have 5 minutes to call me back with a good excuse. And make her do some housework too! thats what my dad did to me!

Answer 11

First off, relax, she's 17, is this her being "bad", if so you're lucky! If she wants black hair what's the big deal, it's dye, it comes out. Be upset that she lied, but taking a concert away is a little harsh. Does she feel bad she lied, show any remorse she let you down, that is prob. punishment enough.

Answer 12

There's some bigger reason behind all this - why would she feel it was necessary to lie about something like that? It would seem that she thought you would not allow her to dye her hair that color.



Of course, lying is wrong. In this case, the natural consequence for lying would be disappointment from you - very real, strong disappointment, that she would not respect you enough to give you the truth. And, of course, you will now not be able to trust her when she tells you things for a while, will you? She will have to earn back your trust.

Answer 13

I can't tell if you are angry about the hair color, that she may have lied to you about how it got that way, or both. You know her better than us, but someone who asks for permission seems fairly trustworthy to me, so I'd tend to believe her about the problems . . remember she had friends there who may have contributed to the results. So, I would ask her to prove to you that leaving the dye in to long caused the problem - get the name of the kit first, then ask her to prove it. If she can prove it, she's off to the concert; if not, she can't go for lying to mom. If that's too devastating (e.g., if she's spent money on the tickets already) then come up with an alternative - like making her wear black clothing for a week to match the hair, or working jobs to buy concert tickets for you.

Answer 14

Dont punish her you said she could dye her hair brown so just because she dyed it black instead and you happen not to like black why should she be punished?

Its her hair she should be able to dye it whatever she wants shes 17 not 12!

Answer 15

Not really. She didn't murder anyone. but It looks like she may have fib to you though. She probably really wanted to go black instead of brown. How does she feel about the color?? Did she like it?? Did it seem like she was into it?? If it seems like the color didn't bother her then that would ring a bell that she INTENDED to go black. I would go easy on not letting her go to her concert but instead give her a different punishment. She's 17, so I pretty sure she has a cell phone, so why don't you take that away for a few days or keep in the house for few days. Something like that. But also tell her that you didn't like what happen. Go easy though. Some things we take for granted could easily be gone from our lives. Good luck!!

Answer 16

What a suprise, you threaten to punish a wayward teen and suddenly 200 teens jump out of the woodwork an cry 'foul!'



I think you're being kind by just grounding her from the concert... If my daughter did that (also a natural blonde) she would not only not be going to the concert.. But she'd be spending the next few months with a buzz-cut.



You have to learn that there are consequences to your actions.. The best place to learn that is at home..



You also need to learn that lying can NEVER be tolerated.

Answer 17

are you a competent mother? why are you asking total strangers how to raise your child? i'll give you a bit of advise....from mother to mother.

learn to pick and choose your battles wisely...it's only hair. instead of worrying about something trivial like hair, as a mother i'd wonder...

who's driving to the concert?

are alcohol or drugs involved?

is there a contact number she can be reached at?

lay off the hair mom...she's 17 not seven!!

NO WONDER SHE HIDES THINGS FROM YOU....YOU SEEM TO BE A BIT OFF.

I'M NOT A 'TEEN JUMPING OUT OF THE WOODWORK'. I HAVE THREE GIRLS, AGES 21, 16, AND 9.

LEARN TO LET YOUR CHILDREN DEVELOP INTO HAPPY HUMAN BEINGS...YOU CAN NOT CONTROL YOUR DAUGHTER FOREVER AND SHE WILL END UP RESENTING YOU.

I HAD A MOTHER LIKE YOU AND I BASICALLY WENT COMPLETLY WILD WHEN I BECAME OF AGE AND CUT HER OUT OF MY LIFE.

I WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST.

Answer 18

i don't see a need for punishment.. its hair.. and did give her permission to dye her hair.. and who's to really know if the brown didn't change the color.. you said it was black underneath.. its hair.. im sorry i don't see the crime in it.

Answer 19

I honestly really like dirty blonde hair it looks truly pretty

Answer 20

Jet black hair. I have really dark brown hair and I consider dark hair looks better. I don't really like blonde hair.

Answer 21

I really don't think you should punish her at all. It is her hair and she is going to have to live with it until she can fix it or it will grow out. If she asks you to help her fix it (financially) you can always refuse and tell her she has to live with her decision to dye it black :)

~Don't punish her, though.



*After your added details, I still say don't punish her-really I think having to live with black hair is punishment enough. Tell her being dishonest about something so trivial is silly and it's a good way for her to lose your trust in her.

Answer 22

I don't think you should punish her at all. You gave her the idea that dying her hair was okay. You should have monitored her dying her hair or bought the dye to make sure it was the correct stuff.

Answer 23

it is extra simplistic and occasional protection. it is also very stylish and horny relying at the character :) im no longer one in all them (brown black hair right here) however i know many ladies that experience thrown away the highlights and glued with black or a few darker colour.

Answer 24

that does not fit the crime. those home kits do not always work as they should. so she could be telling the truth.



its only hair, she can either die it back or wait for it too grow out.



when i was younger i died my hair from black to strawberry blonde. it was sopposed to be a light brown color.



no punishment necessary.

Answer 25

Your a freak... Time to cut the apron strings B4 yur daughter really rebells and comes home with a baby or std...

Answer 26

Would you rather have your daughter experimenting with her hair, or with drugs? My mom let me do what I wanted with my hair, because she said she would rather me have a different hair style every week than me trying drugs.

Answer 27

Personaly I think your going overboard, at that age you should alow her to look how she chooses, its not right to force her one way or the other.